


was nick carraway gay for gatsby?

by moonjuicewiththepresident



Series: wncgfg collection [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders are Siblings, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Little Shit, But aren't we all, Chaotic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Are Twins, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Being an Idiot, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Has ADHD, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Good Friend, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Has ADHD, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Little Shit, Deceit Sanders is a Little Shit, Edgar Allan Poe References, Everyone Is Gay, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), If you only read one work by me, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Like, Logic | Logan Sanders Has ADHD, Misgendering, Morality | Patton Sanders & Deceit Sanders Are Twins, Oops, Queerplatonic Intruality, Queerplatonic Relationships, References to ABBA, Study Group, Swearing, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Teenage Sides (Sanders Sides), Texting, The Great Gatsby References, Trans Logic | Logan Sanders, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, Weird Plot Shit, among other things, as in there's a ridiculous amount of plot holes and things that will never be revisited, because fuck you that's why, but accurate4, duh - Freeform, for like two seconds, gratuitous use of the word fuck, he's lowkey chaotic, honestly idk what i'm doing, honestly patton's a little ooc, i can do what i want, i mean i guess, i'm just listening to abba and crying, i'm losing my MIND, idk what that means, it's predominately logince, it's used a lot, just kind of a shitpost, just to put that out there for future reference, like kind of a lot, logan's a little ooc, obviously, plot holes bc im dumb, redux fucked me up so here we are, remus has a potty mouth, that needs to be an actual tag i stg, that's rad dude, wow two sets of twins?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 100
Words: 68,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23536459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonjuicewiththepresident/pseuds/moonjuicewiththepresident
Summary: english project group chats that never talk about the project
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Background Thomas Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Queerplatonic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders - Relationship
Series: wncgfg collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937476
Comments: 1230
Kudos: 872
Collections: Awesome Sanders Sides Fic





	1. the beginning of nothing

**Author's Note:**

> skye masterson- deceit  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> h duke- remus  
> h chandler- roman

**virgy virge** has created a group chat!

**virgy virge** has named the group chat  **was edgar allen poe murdered?**

**virgy virge** has added  **logan** ,  **h duke** , and  **skye masterson** to  **was edgar allen poe murdered?**

**virgy virge** : so

**virgy virge** : english projects, am i right?

**logan** : i can confirm that he may, in fact have been murdered.

**logan** : but what does this have to do with our project about the great gatsby?

**virgy virge** : oh my bad

**virgy virge** has named the group chat  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**logan** : thank you.

**h duke** : record scratch?

**h duke** : logan doesn’t use proper capitalization?

**h duke** : more shocking news at eight

**logan** : roman changed it and i don’t care enough to change it back.

**h duke** : ew why were you hanging out with roman

**logan** : because we’re all friends.

**logan** : and other obvious reasons.

**h duke** : ????

**h duke** : what obvious reasons??

**logan** : oh.

**logan** : so you don’t know.

**h duke** : ????

**logan:** don’t worry about it.

**h duke:** well now you have to tell me?

**logan** : Don’t Worry About It.

**h duke** has added **h chandler** to the chat!

**h duke:** Roman What Are You And Logan Doing Together????

**h chandler** : did i not tell you???

**h chandler** : whoops

**virgy virge** : oh i gotta see this convo

**logan** : remus, i swear to god, don’t worry about it.

**h chandler** : awww you didn’t change the settings

**h chandler** : <3333333

**virgy virge** : that’s some gay shit

**h chandler** : yeah no shit virge

**h duke** : ro, focus

**h chandler** : right

**h chandler** : anyways

**h chandler** : all i can say is that

**h chandler** has changed  **logan** ’s name to  **bottom** !

**bottom** : ROMAN

**h duke** : WHAT THE FUCK

**h chandler** : bye bye!

**h chandler** has left the chat!

**bottom** : virgil, change the setting that allows people to change other people’s nicknames, please.

**virgy virge** : that was wild

**virgy virge** : also no

**virgy virge** : lo, don’t come to the usual spot for lunch, remus is losing his shit

**h duke** : BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING MY BROTHER

**virgy virge** : no, pay attention to logan’s name

**h duke** : HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

**skye masterson** : what on earth is going on here

**virgy virge** : why is your name that

**skye masterson** : infamous liar

**skye masterson** : duh

**virgy virge** : 

**virgy virge** : sure

**h duke** : HOW ARE YOU GUYS SO CALM ABOUT THIS

**virgy virge** : because we all knew dumbass

**skye masterson** : they aren’t exactly subtle

**bottom** : honestly.

**bottom** : wait, hold on.

**bottom** has changed their name to  **space gay** !

**space gay** : that’s better.

**h duke** : no no no

**h duke** has changed  **space gay** ’s name to  **FUCKING LIAR** !

**FUCKING LIAR** : you are a child.

**h duke** : is there anyone else in our friend group that is sleeping together????

**skye masterson** : uh

**skye masterson** : are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

**h duke** : who????

**virgy virge** : hey

**h duke** : MOTHER FUCKER

**FUCKING LIAR** : can we please talk about how gatsby’s ‘american dream’ was doomed from the start?

**FUCKING LIAR** : because i have a lot of feelings on the matter.

**h duke** : i think we all knew that this group chat was never about the project

  
**FUCKING LIAR** : fair enough.


	2. go to bed, losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spaced out- logan

**h duke:** hey lo when people count bones do they include teeth?

**spaced out:** first of all, go to sleep, we have school in two hours

**h duke:** dude, you’re literally up, don’t do this to me

**spaced out:** second, no, because they are technically not bones

**spaced out:** also i have my reasons to be up at this time

**h duke:** hmmmm

**virgy virge:** wait hold up why are they not bones

**h duke:** wait hold up

**h duke** has added  **pattycakes** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**h duke:** pattooooon, virgil is up at four in the morninggggg

**virgy virge** : YOU FUCKIN NARC

**h duke:** EAT SHIT LOSER

**pattoncake:** virgil

**virgy virge:** oh god

**pattoncake:** don’t worry

**pattoncake:** i’m not mad, just disappointed

**virgy virge:** that’s somehow even worse that i’d hoped

**h duke:** hi pat!!!!!

**pattoncake:** hi ree!!!!!

**spaced out:** teeth are not bones because they don’t develop bone marrow and they cannot repair themselves when broken

**pattoncake:** LOGAN BISHOP

**pattoncake:** I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU

**pattoncake:** also why do you know that

**spaced out:** i have my reasons

**virgy virge:** wait pat why are you up at this time

**pattoncake:**

**pattoncake:** i-

**pattoncake** has left the chat!

**h duke:** oh dang

**h duke:** also thank you lo

**spaced out:** no problem

**h duke:** but fr lo

**h duke:** why are you up so late

**spaced out:** i don’t know

**spaced out:** just not feeling super

**spaced out:** manly

**h duke:** oh dude

**h duke:** i’m sorry

**spaced out:** it’s okay

**virgy virge:** just try and get some sleep

**h duke:** you’ll feel better

**spaced out:** thanks guys

**spaced out:** also ethan don’t think i don't see you lurking

**skye masterson:** damn it

**virgy virge:** lmao loser

**skye masterson:** don’t think i won’t break up with you

**virgy virge:** wait hold on

**skye masterson:** jkjk love you

**virgy virge:** ilyt

**spaced out:** affection?

**spaced out:** ew. disgusting. get out.

**h duke:** don’t even with that shit

**h duke:** you and my brother are so gross

**h duke:** all mushy and shit

**h duke:** and you ain’t slick with that concealer on your neck either

**spaced out:**

**spaced out:** i-

**spaced out** has left the chat!

**virgy virge:** oh damn

**skye masterson:** just all of you

**skye masterson:** g o t o b e d

**virgy virge:** lol okay dad

**h duke:** more like daddy haha amiright

**skye masterson** has kicked  **h duke** out of the chat!

**virgy virge:** lmao nice


	3. *in noel miller's voice when he says lesbian gang* hoco gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h chandler- roman  
> pattoncake- patton

**h duke** has created a group chat!

**h duke** has named the group chat  **hoco gang**

**h duke** has added  **spaced out** ,  **skye masterson** ,  **virgy virge** ,  **pattoncake** , and  **h chandler** to  **hoco gang**

**h duke:** what are y’all wearing to hoco bc i’m clueless

**virgy virge:** honestly idk

**skye masterson:** yeah we should probably coordinate on that

**h duke:** roman you’re a fashion god help me

**h chandler:** i mean i can take you out shopping

**h chandler:** _for a price_

**h duke:** goddamn it

**h duke:** what do you want?

**h chandler:** all of my clothes back

**h duke:** hmmm

**h duke:** i’ll just follow you around when you go shopping

**h chandler:** oh i’m not going

**h duke:** wait hold up

**h duke:** why not?

**h chandler:** logan’s mom would make him wear a dress and makeup and i don’t want to do that to him

**spaced out:** ro, i told you that you should just go without me

**spaced out:** you love these types of events

**h chandler:** and i told you that you’re coming over to my house and we’re going to have a movie night

**spaced out:** you’re insufferable

**h chandler:** love you too, starlight

**virgy virge:** ewwwwww

**virgy virge:** stop being gross nerds

**h chandler:** shut up, raccoon

**h duke:** if anyone here is a raccoon, it’s gonna be me

**h duke:** actually hold on i’m tired of this name

**h duke** has changed their name to  **raccoon**

**h chandler:** awww

**h chandler:** but we matched!

**spaced out:** you two match in literally everything else

**h chandler:** not in everything ;)

**spaced out** has kicked  **h chandler** out of the chat!

**spaced out:** god i hate the twins

**raccoon:** oh damn

**raccoon:** it really do be like that

**raccoon:** wait where’s patton?

**pattoncake:** i be ghostin

**virgy virge:** he do be vibin tho

**spaced out:** i have never been more clueless in my life

**pattoncake:** also

**pattoncake:** i can help you go shopping, ree!

**raccoon:** awwwwww

**raccoon:** <3333333

**pattoncake:** <3333333333

  
**virgy virge:** ewwwww gross

**spaced out:** do your classes, kids.


	4. sibling solidarity

**skye masterson** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**skye masterson:** so i’ve been thinking

**virgy virge:** wow that’s rare

**skye masterson:** shut up

**skye masterson:** anyways

**skye masterson:** daisy buchanan is a grade-a bitch, right?

**raccoon:** oh bitch we been knew

**skye masterson:** she basically symbolizes purity and innocence

**skye masterson:** her character is literally a great example of how purity and innocence can be toxic and shouldn’t be strived for

**raccoon:** oh damn

**skye masterson:** yeah, logan and i just finished the book and i couldn’t stop thinking about it.

**virgy virge:** wait i thought logan had already read it

**spaced out:** oh i’ve read it multiple times

**virgy virge:** cool cool cool

**virgy virge:** no doubt no doubt no doubt

**virgy virge:** so what movies are you and ro watching and can we suggest things

**spaced out:** it’s undecided

**spaced out:** and i feel that i’ll regret it if i let you suggest anything

**virgy virge:** you can just leave remus out of the suggestions

**spaced out:** fair enough

**raccoon:** HEY

**raccoon:** BE NICE TO ME

**skye masterson:** no and you can’t make me

**skye masterson:** you should watch guys and dolls

**spaced out:** actually, i’m not opposed to that

**skye masterson:** oh shit really?

**spaced out:** i know almost all of the dialogue for the stage production because of last year’s musical

**skye masterson:** oh yeah i forgot you were in the pit

**spaced out:** we literally sat next to each other

**skye masterson:** whoops

**skye masterson:** i loved how when they broke the bottle everyone in the audience screamed

**virgy virge:** didn’t roman say fuck on stage in the last performance?

**spaced out:** yeah, it was hilarious

**raccoon:** hold up

**raccoon:** he did  _ what _

**spaced out:** after the hot box performance, when he goes “that lousy joey biltmore, i’m gonna snap his neck.” he said “gonna snap his fucking neck” and it was hilarious

**raccoon:** ofc i’m in hair and makeup when the fun stuff goes on

**spaced out:** i miss that show

**raccoon:** not to pull you out of your nostalgic moment

**raccoon:** but you should watch princess and the frog

**raccoon:** patton made me watch it last week and it was sooooo good

**virgy virge:** god that movie makes me cry

**skye masterson:** lmao loser

**virgy virge:** you cannot tell me that you didn’t cry at that movie

**skye masterson:** dude i was six when that movie came out i might have cried at dr. facilier and his shadow demons

**raccoon:** honestly he’s the reason i love that movie so much

**skye masterson:** also logan and roman are tiana and naveen

**virgy virge:** roman  _ is _ a dumbass

**raccoon:** i’m gonna tell him you said that

**virgy virge:** do it, i ain’t no bitch

**spaced out:** any other suggestions?

**virgy virge:** knives out is always my first choice

**skye masterson:** ooooooohhhh murder mystery my favorite

**spaced out:** i’ve actually been meaning to watch it

**raccoon:** political statements about immigration and social class with murder?

**raccoon:** one of my favorites

**spaced out:** oh that actually sounds pretty cool

**virgy virge:** yeah it’s pretty rad

**spaced out:** i know that roman’s going to want to watch some of his, but i’ll definitely suggest them

**spaced out:** i know that we’re going to stay up pretty late, so

**raccoon:** oh am i going to need headphones?

**spaced out:** ???

**raccoon** : cause it sounds like y’all gonna fuck

**spaced out:** i have my thumb over the kick option right now

**raccoon:** wait i’m sorry nononono

**spaced out:** don’t test me bitch

**virgy virge:** lo, i feel like you’re always bitter towards the world

**spaced out:** oh you are absolutely right, sir

**virgy virge:** when have i ever been wrong?

**spaced out:** the time you thought buchanan was pronounced buckanan

**raccoon:** or the time you said utah is in the middle east

**skye masterson:** or the time you thought the word lament was laminate

**spaced out:** or the time you thought remus and patton were dating (ahem)

**raccoon:** wait what

**virgy virge** : okay WOW

**virgy virge:** how do you remember that?

**spaced out** : i have a list of all the stupid things people have said for future reference

  
  


* * *

  
  


**spaced out** has created a group chat!

**spaced out** has named the group chat **project patton and remus**

**spaced out** has added  **h chandler** ,  **skye masterson** , and  **virgy virge** to  **project patton and remus**

**spaced out:** okay this is driving me insande, we have to do something about this

**h chandler:** i know, remus keeps talking about it in his diary and it’s annoying

**virgy virge:** why do you read remus’ diary?

**h chandler:** he reads mine, so i’m valid

**h chandler:** sibling solidarity *peace sign*

**virgy virge:** jesus christ just use the emoji

**skye masterson:** you don’t have to read his diary to know that they’re long gone for each other

**skye masterson:** remus is over at our house practically every weekend to hang out

**skye masterson:** all the giggles and shit are annoying

**virgy virge:** dude try sitting next to them in band

**virgy virge:** i’m surprised mr. winn hasn’t murdered them yet

**virgy virge:** anyways

**virgy virge:** how do we get them together

**h chandler:** ethan and i have direct contact with them, so we can talk to them more

**h chandler:** however, lo’s best friends with remus and virge’s best friends with pat, so you two need to give them more of a push

**spaced out:** wow you have this all planned out

**h chandler:** oh, honey, when it comes to love, i never half-ass anything

**skye masterson:** lol okay

**skye masterson:** dramatic bitch

**h chandler:** oh says you


	5. oboe

**pattoncake** to  **hoco gang**

**pattoncake:** hey, is logan okay?

**pattoncake:** he’s not at lunch rn

**virgy virge:** we had a sub today in english

**pattoncake:** okay?

**virgy virge:** patton, we had a rollcall today

**pattoncake:** ????

**virgy virge:** as in the sub called out our  _ legal names _

**pattoncake:** ohhhhhhhh

**raccoon:** yeah, the teacher forgot to leave a note

**h chandler:** where is he?

**raccoon:** he practices whenever he gets stressed or upset, so he might be in the band hall

**h chandler:** thanks

* * *

“Logan?” Roman knocked on the practice room door. “You okay in there?”

He could hear rustling inside before the door opened. Roman never thought he would say this, but Logan looked like a mess. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, and his hair was disheveled.

“I think so,” He sighed.

“Can I hug you?” Roman asked tentatively. At his small nod, he pulled Logan into his arms, holding him close. “I’m sorry, starlight.”

“It’s fine,” Logan buried his face into his chest. “The sub didn’t know.”

“Still, I know it doesn’t feel great.”

“How did you know I’d be here?” 

“The trash panda himself,” Logan snorted at that, and Roman could swear he felt the ground go out from underneath him. “You should eat something.”

“I know, I just really don’t want to talk to anyone right now.”

“Are you going to drive home?”

“Yeah,” Logan pulled back. “I can just tell my mom I’m having another migraine. I think my appearance will definitely sell it.”

“You don’t look that bad,” Roman tried.

“Ah, yes, just what every insecure teenager wants to hear,” Logan said dryly. Roman stammered over his words for a minute, trying to save himself before Logan collapsed in a fit of giggles. “I’m kidding, don’t worry. You should probably go back to lunch.”

“Nah,” He shook his head. “I’ll come home with you, pamper the hell out of you.”

“Ro, you don’t have to-” Logan tried before Roman cut him off.

“But I want to,” He smiled softly. “Now, let’s go! Pack up your oboe and grab your stuff.” He ruffled Logan’s hair, earning him a playful glare.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**h chandler** to  **hoco gang**

**h chandler:** hey, we’re not coming to lunch

**h chandler:** also, remus, i’ll bring you my car keys

**h chandler:** don’t you dare crash it or i’m telling dad

**raccoon:** about what

**h chandler:** i think you know

**raccoon:** oh shit okay

**virgy virge:** where are y’all going

**h chandler:** “y’all”

**h chandler:** lo doesn’t really want to talk to anyone, so we’re going to his house and chill

**virgy virge:** cool cool cool

**pattoncake:** send him my love!!!!!!

**h chandler:** will do, pops


	6. let's fuck with virgil

**princey** to  **hoco gang**

**princey:** oh my god i’m so bored

**skye masterson:** dude put your phone away

**princey:** nah, winn’s working with the low brass rn, i’ll be fine

**nerd:** i hate this nickname

**nerd:** but roman’s right

**princey:** wait i am?

**nerd:** he’s going to do what he always does during after school rehearsals

**nerd:** he hears one euphonium play a wrong note and then he realizes that none of the trombones can play their parts and spends the rest of the time working with them

**nerd:** besides, ethan, you and your section plays wordscapes the entire rehearsal, don’t get on roman

**skye masterson:** i didn’t ask for this

**skye masterson:** sometimes we play word stacks

**nerd:** my point exactly

**princey:** well, logan, why are you on your phone?

**nerd:** i sit next to ethan, i’m going to be fine

**princey:** wait you two sit next to each other?

**nerd:** do you just not pay attention to anything?

**princey:** how are you just now realizing this about me?

**nerd:** that’s fair.

**virgy virge:** jesus christ stop blowing up my phone

**virgy virge:** you guys are literally talking about nothing

**princey:** i mean what do you want us to talk about?

**princey:** our music?

**princey:** like, hey, i think danzon no. 2 is a cool ass song

**princey:** no one wants to read that in a fanfiction

**virgy virge:** what?

**princey:** nothing

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **pattoncake**

**raccoon:** are logan and virgil acting weird around you?

**pattoncake:** yeah, i think they might be onto us

**raccoon:** how do we want to let this play out?

**pattoncake:** i know it’s kind of mean, but it’s a little fun watching them run around

**raccoon:** holy shit

**raccoon:** i’m rubbing off on you

**raccoon:** i love it

**pattoncake:** let’s lead them on

**raccoon:** oh  _ hell  _ yes

**raccoon:** can we do virgil first?

**raccoon:** i have a vendetta

**pattoncake:** let's fuck with him

* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**raccoon:** so virgil

**raccoon:** you’re patton’s best friend, right?

**virgy virge:** yeah?

**virgy virge:** why?

**raccoon:** does he like sunflowers?

**virgy virge:** they’re like his favorite type of flower

**raccoon:** cool cool cool

**virgy virge:** why are you asking?

**raccoon:**

**raccoon:** just wondering

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**pattoncake:** hey virge, does remus sit with you at lunch?

**virgy virge:** yeah why

**pattoncake:** do you think i could maybe sit with you today?

**virgy virge:** oh sure

**virgy virge:** are you mad at roman or something?

**pattoncake:** something like that

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **project patton and remus**

**virgy virge:** I FUCKING CAN’T WITH THESE TWO

**virgy virge:** I SWEAR TO GOD THEY’RE FUCKING WITH ME

**nerd:** what seems to be the problem?

**virgy virge:** they keep asking me different questions about each other like where do they sit during lunch and what their favorite kind of flower is and it’s driving me INSANE

**princey:** god, they’re hopelessly gay for each other

**skye masterson:** can’t we just tell them that they like each other?

**princey:** no, it needs a more dramatic touch

**virgy virge:** ten bucks says roman messes it up

**princey:** HEY

**nerd:** oh, one hundred percent

**princey:** WHAT THE FUCK

**skye masterson:** you know what, i’ll take you up on that

**virgy virge:** oh, honey, you’re going to lose

  
**skye masterson:** b e t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay hydrated, kids


	7. a mobster, a socialite, a flapper, and a cop walk into a bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> filler chapter filler chapter

**skye masterson** to  **is nick gay for gatsby?**

**skye masterson:** so do we actually have to present this project?

**nerd:** god, i hope not.

**virgy virge:** dude i’m so lucky my mom talked to mrs. dilworth at the beginning of the year

**virgy virge:** i never have to talk during presentations ever again

**raccoon:** i love presentations

**raccoon:** i get to terrorize people for a grade

**nerd:** that’s

**nerd:** that’s not the point of group presentations

**skye masterson:** can i wear my 1920’s attire for it?

**raccoon:** can i dress like a mobster?

**nerd:** i guess costumes could put us ahead of everyone else

**skye masterson:** petition to put virgil in a flapper dress

**virgy virge:** oh hell yeah

**raccoon:** so i can be a mobster, ethan’s going to be a rich dude, virgil’s going to be a flapper

**virgy virge:** lo, do you want to dress up as anything?

**nerd:** i guess i could be a cop

**raccoon:** mmmmmm love me a man in a uniform

**virgy virge:** careful, patton’s gonna get jealous

**raccoon:** nah

**virgy virge:** oh my fucking god

**raccoon:** ?????

**skye masterson** has kicked  **virgy virge** out of the chat!

**skye masterson:** i’ll be right back

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**virgy virge:** what the hell?

**skye masterson:** don’t mess this up dude

**skye masterson:** i know about our bet but i want to see this blow up in roman’s face

**virgy virge:** you’re evil

**skye masterson:** it’s what you love about me

**virgy virge:** oh, of course

  
  


* * *

  
  


**skye masterson** to **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**skye masterson:** what’d i miss?

**nerd:** remus is domesticating a raccoon

**raccoon:** there is literally nothing you can do to stop you

**nerd:** i’ll tell your dad

**raccoon:** he won’t care

**nerd:** no, i don’t mean about that

**raccoon:** _roman told you?_

**nerd:** yes, and what were you thinking and why did you think it would work?

**raccoon:** oh that little bitch

**raccoon:** i’m going to knock his teeth out

**nerd:** please don’t

**raccoon:** yeah, you may not want to kiss him for a while

**raccoon:** also you know that i’m not capable of thinking through my actions

**virgy virge:** wait what did he do?

**raccoon:** it’s

**raccoon:** it’s best not to talk about it

**skye masterson:** oh god, remus actually keeps secrets

**raccoon:** yeah, you don’t want to know what i actually keep my trap shut about

**nerd:** i know you’re essentially harmless, but sometimes you scare me

**raccoon:** yes, please keep thinking that i’m harmless

**virgy virge:** um?????

**raccoon:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do your online classes


	8. multi bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughgg i hate this chapter so much

**snek** to  **hoco gang**

**snek:** god i hate mums

**snek:** specifically the cowbells

**virgy virge:** the cowbells are quite possibly the worst thing in the world

**nerd:** homecoming season is the WORST

**princey:** kids, if you don’t know what we’re talking about, look up texas mums

**raccoon:** why do you always get to break the fourth wall?

**princey:** older sibling rights

**raccoon:** oh my god it’s only fourteen minutes

**princey:** fourteen minutes of bliss

**nerd:** god i hate the twins

**princey:** awww

**nerd:**

**princey:** :(

**nerd:** that’s not going to work

**princey:** :(((((   
  


**nerd:**

**nerd:** okay fine

**princey:** :)

**princey:** <3

**nerd:**

**nerd:** <3 i guess

**virgy virge:** I N T R I C A T E R I T U A L S

**princey:** virgil shuT UP I’M TR _ YING TO HAVE A MO _ **_MENT_ **

**virgy virge:** O KAY JEEZ

* * *

  
  


**snek** to  **is nick gay for gatsby?**

**snek:** virgillllll your nickname is so boringggggg

**virgy virge:** ????

**nerd:** it’s true, you’re the only one with your original nickname

**virgy virge:** ughhhhhh finnnnne

**virgy virge** has changed their name to  **multi bear**

**snek:** oh my GOD GRAVITY FALLS IS MY AESTHETIC

**snek:** CAN WE DO GF NICKNAMES

**multi bear:** i mean i guess

**snek** has changed their name to  **bill cipher**

**bill cipher:** god i love this

**multi bear:** that’s like weirdly accurate

**raccoon:** uwu can i join

**multi bear:** as long as you never say uwu ever again

**raccoon:** deal

**raccoon** has changed their name to  **grunkle stan** !

**grunkle stan:** logan logan logan

**nerd:** yes?

**grunkle stan:** c h a n g e y o u r n a m e

**nerd:** i’ve never watched gravity falls

**grunkle stan:**

**grunkle stan:** you WHAT

**grunkle stan:** you’re coming over immediately and we’re bingeing it

**bill cipher:** i’m forcibly including myself into this

**multi bear:** i just follow ethan around, so i’m coming too

**grunkle stan:** oh hell yeah watch party

**grunkle stan:** i’ll get roman out of the house so he won’t bother us

**nerd:** why?

**multi bear:** you need to pay attention to the show

**multi bear:** if he’s there you’ll just make out the entire time

**nerd:** okay WOW

**bill cipher:** they hated jesus because he told the truth

**nerd:** can i bargain for it?

**grunkle stan:** hmmm

**grunkle stan:** i get to borrow your jean jacket

**nerd:** for how long and which one

**grunkle stan:** only for a couple of days

**grunkle stan:** and the sherpa lined one

**grunkle stan:** the one that makes you look like simon spier

**nerd:**

**nerd:** fine

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**grunkle stan** to  **princey**

**grunkle stan:** heyyyy big bro

**princey:** what do you need

**grunkle stan:** what makes you think that i need something from you?

**princey:** you always call me big bro when you want something from me

**princey:** it’s called pandering

**princey:** and you’ve just got them vibes

**grunkle stan:** i do be vibin

**grunkle stan:** anyways

**grunkle stan:** i’m having some friends over

**grunkle stan:** and i need to use the tv in your room

**princey:** dude just use the one in yours

**grunkle stan:** have you  _ seen  _ my room?

**princey:** that’s fair

**princey:** what friends?

**grunkle stan:** virgil, ethan, and logan

**grunkle stan:** we’re gonna binge gravity falls

**princey:** but you’ve seen that so many times?

**grunkle stan:** apparently logan’s never seen it before

**princey:** he WHAT

**grunkle stan:** THAT’S WHAT I SAID!!

**princey:** can patton and i join uwu

**grunkle stan:** yeah

**grunkle stan:** however i have one condition

**princey:** ???

**grunkle stan:** you’re not allowed to distract logan at all

**princey:** okay?

**grunkle stan:** hmmm

**grunkle stan:** if you pull something i’ll kick you out

**princey:** okay, jeez

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Ugh, that’s really creepy,” Logan wrinkled his nose. “Why is he so obsessed with her?”

“Dipper’s thirteen years old, I know I was enamored with someone at that age,” Roman smirked and leaned over to Logan.

“That’s cringy,” Logan snorted. “But I’ll allow it.”

Remus cleared his throat. “Logan, this is important. Roman, I will throw you out.”

“Fine,” Roman huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“If you kick him out can I have my jacket back??” Logan asked.

“No, I still get to have it.”

Logan groaned but leaned back into his chair.

“Thank you,” Remus grinned smugly. “Now pay attention, this is a good episode.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**nerd** to  **hoco gang**

**nerd:** okay so i may be watching gravity falls in my own time

**princey:** oh my god i’m so proud

**nerd:** and i’ll admit, i like the mystery and weirdness

**multi bear:** it’s like welcome to night vale but for kids

**nerd:** i’m more of a magnus archives guy myself

**grunkle stan:** oh my GOD i love tma

**nerd:** elias’ voice is just hmmmm

**grunkle stan:** if you’re not horny for elias bouchard then you’re just void of human life

**nerd:** honestly

**grunkle stan:** ro, i’m stealing your boyfriend

**princey:** >:(

**grunkle stan:** >:)

**princey:** i’ll take away your vape pen

**grunkle stan:** i’ll steal your letterman

**princey:** i’ll steal your blackwatch flannel

**grunkle stan:** i’ll steal your trumpet

**princey:** you wouldn’t  _ dare _

**grunkle stan:** bet

**princey:** god i hate you

**grunkle stan:** yeah i hate myself too

**multi bear:** honestly me too

**pattoncake:** >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go to bed at a reasonable time


	9. three raccoons, two gallons of hydrogen peroxide, and blowtorch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> multi bear- virgil  
> grunkle stan- remus  
> bill cipher- deceit 
> 
> the incident is slightly more revealed
> 
> *chanting* FILLER CHAPTER FILLER CHAPTER

**nerd** to **hoco gang**

**nerd:** what are y’all dressing up as for celebrity day?

**multi bear:** i feel like your texting gets more and more like a regular teenager with every interaction with this stupid chat

**nerd:** yeah, my parents will not stop making fun of me for it.

**multi bear:** next step in the equation: make him lose the correct punctuation

**nerd:** i’ll never go that far.

**multi bear:** anyways

**multi bear:** ethan and i are going as ryan and shane from buzzfeed unsolved

**multi bear:** specifically from the 69th episode celebration

**bill cipher:** i’m wearing a hawaiian shirt that i took from patton’s room

**pattoncake:** wait hold on

**bill cipher:** moving on

**pattoncake:** e, you could’ve just asked

**bill cipher:** but what if you had said no

**pattoncake:** virgil’s rubbing off on you

**grunkle stan:** hell yeah he is

**pattoncake:** ree, play nice

**grunkle stan:** okie my bad

**princey:** i still don’t understand how you can control him

**grunkle stan:** bc he’s nice unlike you

**princey:** okay RUDE

**grunkle stan:** also i’m going as jojo siwa

**bill cipher:** OH MY GOD

**pattoncake:** so

**pattoncake:** guess who also had that idea

**princey:** WE HAVE TWO JOJO SIWAS

**princey:** OH MY GOD I’M LOSING MY MIND

**princey:** also,,,, for once,,, i’m lost on ideas

**nerd:** me too.

**grunkle stan:** okay staying on theme with this week

**grunkle stan:** you two should be the pines twins

**princey:** REMUS YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN

**princey:** YOU’RE A GODDAMN GENIUS

**grunkle stan:** i’ve only been called that twice in my life before

**grunkle stan:** the first when i was called an artistic genius

**grunkle stan:** the second is when i looked in the mirror and told myself that right before i set the raccoons loose

**multi bear:** what does that mean

**grunkle stan:** lmao

**multi bear:** I’M SHAKING WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN????

**grunkle stan:** lets just say that it involves three raccoons, two gallons of hydrogen peroxide (thanks logan), and a blowtorch

**princey:** LOGAN THAT WAS YOU????

**princey:** YOU’RE THE REASON MY HAIR WAS BLEACHED??

**nerd:** in my defense, i didn’t know what it was for at the time.

**nerd:** if i’d known, lord knows i would never had agreed.

**nerd:** besides, you’re already blonde

**princey:** well yeah, but not bleached blonde

**multi bear:** yeah, bleached blonde is not your color

**princey:**

**princey:** well now i want to do it just to spite you

**nerd:** ro, i think that was his intentions.

**bill cipher:** hold up why does logan have access to that much hydrogen peroxide

**nerd:** i have my ways.

**grunkle stan:** he’s the reason i know not to use chloroform for the uses of kidnapping

**bill cipher:** why can’t you use chloroform?

**nerd:** first of all, it takes five minutes to work and only thirty minutes to wear off, which is less than ideal in a kidnapping scenario. second, it has side effects of memory loss and overall brain damage. it also causes the collapse of airways with fluids without the proper use of breathing tubes when you use it for the intention of making someone unconscious. no one uses it anymore for the more medical functions.

**nerd:** that being said, i do own chloroform.

**bill cipher:** well what are some better versions since now you’ve made me curious

**nerd:** sevoflurane and desflurane are both commonly used in the medical field when working with anesthesiology. i also have both.

**bill cipher:** oh damn

**princey:** that’s hot but,,,,, concerning,,,,,

**multi bear:** i feel like one day lo’s just gonna turn into a full mad scientist

**grunkle remus:** dr. doofensmirtz scientist or dr. jekyll scientist?

**multi bear:** oh definitely dr. jekyll

**multi bear:** honestly, you would be more of a doofensmirtz

**bill cipher:** i see a chance

**bill cipher** has changed **nerd** ’s name to **dr. jekyll**!

**bill cipher** has changed their name to **mr. hyde**!

**mr. hyde:** i take it

**grunkle stan:** instead of gravity falls, logan could be a mad scientist and roman could be his sexy lab assistant

**princey:** oh my god i wish i could do that

**grunkle stan:** why couldn’t you

**princey:** with what i’m imagining, the heels wouldn’t be a problem, but i would be dress coded

**grunkle stan:** wimp

**grunkle stan:** i’ve been dress coded for way more than that

**princey:** yeah but the ap’s hate you

**princey:** they’ll write you up for anything

**grunkle stan:** they hate me cause they ain’t me

**multi bear:** i really doubt that

**grunkle stan:** it’s okay, you’re one of the haters

  
  


* * *

  
  


**pattoncake** to **hoco gang**

**pattoncake:** siwa^2.jpg [attatched is a mirror selfie in the bathroom of remus and patton in their jojo siwa costumes]

**pattoncake:** he do be lookin like a cutie tho

**grunkle stan:** nah i think you’re the real cutie

**pattoncake:** awwww

**pattoncake:** <3333

**grunkle stan:** !!!!!!!

**grunkle stan:** <333333

**dr. jekyll:** hm

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**dr. jekyll** to **grunkle stan**

**dr. jekyll:** so, you and patton?

**grunkle stan:** huh?

**dr. jekyll:** i saw you two at the coffee shop.

**dr. jekyll:** are you two romantically involved?

**grunkle stan:** kinda?

**grunkle stan:** we're qpps

**dr.** **jekyll:** alright

**dr. jekyll:** i have a proposition for you.

**grunkle stan:** which is?

**dr. jekyll:** we have a group chat dedicated to getting you two together, and roman is coming up with a ridiculously dramatic and theatrical way to get you two to “confess your undying love” for each other

**dr. jekyll:** and there’s a bet going that he’ll mess it up

**grunkle stan:** a plan to embarrass roman?

**grunkle stan:** i’m in

**dr. jekyll:** perfect

  
  


* * *

  
  


**multi bear** to **was nick gay for gatsby**

**multi bear:** remus just told me that i look like robbie but act like wendy from gravity falls and i can’t stop thinking about it

**grunkle stan:** listen, i’m valid in my points

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eat actual meals, not just cheezits and doritos


	10. they be clownin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughhhhhh i hate this so much but i feel obligated to update this more often
> 
> dr. jekyll- logan  
> princey- roman  
> mr. hyde- deceit  
> multi bear- virgil  
> pattoncake- patton  
> grunkle stan- remus

**dr. jekyll** to **hoco gang**

**dr. jekyll:** Are you all Olivia’s friends?

**grunkle stan:** um

**dr. jekyll:** She is no longer going to be able to talk here and do not try to contact her further.

**mr. hyde:** wait why?

**dr. jekyll:** Her father and I have decided that it’s inappropriate for her to be texting so many boys, so we’re confiscating her phone for the time being.

**mr. hyde:** wait, what about our project chat?

**dr. jekyll:** You can contact her through E-Mail if you need to.

**dr. jekyll:** Do not try and contact her any further through her phone.

**dr. jekyll** has left the chat!

**grunkle stan:** what just happened?

**princey:** i think logan just got grounded

**multi bear:** but logan never does anything wrong????

**pattoncake:** he forgot to turn one of his assignments in medical microbiology

**grunkle stan:** _that’s all???_

**grunkle stan:** i’ve set our curtains on fire and didn’t even get grounded

**pattoncake:** his parents are terrifying

**princey:** dude when i started dating him, his parents gave me the most terrifying interrogation in the world

**princey:** they looked up remus’ criminal record and asked if i was anything like him

**princey:** they asked how we met and i hate to make up some bullshit story about how we met in summer band

**princey:** because obviously i couldn’t tell them that i met him when remus came up to me at lunch and said that he’d found a cute twink in the bathroom that was my type

**grunkle stan:** what’s wrong with that story?

**princey:** _so many things_

**multi bear:** so what do we do?

**multi bear:** i absolutely REFUSE to talk to anyone through email

**grunkle stan:** i could always break into their house and steal his phone back

**princey:** honestly i’m not opposed

**princey:** you could set loose the raccoon that you hide in your room into their house

**grunkle stan:** i would NEVER do that to beans

**multi bear:** you named a raccoon beans?

**grunkle stan:** you named your tarantula sandy

**multi bear:** your point?

**pattoncake:** i’m sorry, you have a spider?

**multi bear:** uhh

**mr. hyde:** son you done fucked up

**multi bear:** no?

**pattoncake:** suddenly my mom said i can’t hang out at your house

**pattoncake:** like ever again

**multi bear:** sowwy

**princey:** oh god that’s cursed

**princey:** also not to be that person

**princey:** but i miss lo

**grunkle stan:** me too :(((

**grunkle stan:** wait

**princey:** ????

**grunkle stan:** what if i just gave him my burner phone

**princey:** why do you have a burner phone

**princey:** wait never mind please don’t answer that

**multi bear:** please do that though

**grunkle stan:** aight bet

**grunkle stan:** i’ll give it to him tomorrow before school

**multi bear:** nice

  
  


* * *

  
  


**grunkle stan** to **was nick gay for gatsby**

**grunkle stan:** hold on one sec

**grunkle stan** has kicked **dr. jekyll** from the chat!

**grunkle stan** has added **bad boy riri** to the chat!

**bad boy riri** has changed their name to **logan**!

**logan:** what did i miss?

**mr. hyde:** honestly nothing interesting

**multi bear:** remus threatened to release his raccoon, beans, into your house to steal your phone back

**logan:** ah, so the usual?

**mr. hyde:** patton said fuck in front of our parents

**logan:** really?

**mr. hyde:** yeah, they got mad at me, telling me i corrupted him somehow

**mr. hyde:** little do they know that i actually have nothing to do with the corruption

**grunkle stan:** yeah that’s pretty much all me

**grunkle stan:** also roman would not shut up about how much he misses you

**logan:** he said that?

**grunkle stan:** yeah it was kind of annoying

**multi bear:** yeah he kept talking to me during theater

**logan:** oh

**logan:** i really am sorry about my parents

**mr. hyde:** eh it’s fine

**logan:** i’m just pissed off that they took away my phone

**logan:** like it’s so fucking dumb

**logan:** how else am i supposed to contact them and ask them to pick me up from practice

**grunkle stan:** it’s okay dude

**grunkle stan:** they just be clownin

**multi bear:** not to kill the moment but ree i’m totally stealing that phrase

**grunkle stan:** oh go ahead

**multi bear:** good because i was going to take it no matter what

**mr. hyde:** oh damn

  
  


* * *

  
  


**princey** to **hoco gang**

**princey:** i’m so fucking bored

**logan:** pay attention

**princey:** but ms. harrington is so boringggggg

**mr. hyde:** careful, she’s walking your way

**princey:** damn it

**princey:** Logan, Ethan, please pay attention to my lecture.

**logan:** yes, ma’am

**mr. hyde:** sorry

**grunkle stan:** lmao nerds

**princey:** Remus, I will call your AP.

**grunkle stan:** :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently i have to follow my own advice because i'm now failing latin


	11. at&t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these titles are getting stranger and stranger
> 
> also this chapter is about literally nothing and i hate it
> 
> bad boy riri- remus  
> lolo- logan  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> liar liar- deceit  
> princey- roman  
> strudel-cutie4427- patton (yeah i know)

**bad boy riri** to **hoco gang**

**bad boy riri:** hey did you know that at&t has been around since 1917

**liar liar:** first of all, love the name

**bad boy riri:** uwu thanks

**liar liar:** second and most importantly, it’s 3 AM why are you searching up internet service facts

**bad boy riri:** cause i’m bored

**lolo:** jesus christ, stop blowing up my phone.

**lolo:** i just want to sleep

**bad boy riri:** just put your phone on do not disturb

**lolo:** no.

**liar liar:** then suffer with the rest of us

**lolo:** fine

**lolo:** what are we talking about?

**bad boy riri:** nonesense

**bad boy riri:** do you have any fun facts

**lolo:** we’ve had eleven us presidents that are exactly six foot

**lolo:** james madison was the shortest president, his height was 5’4”

**lolo:** there’s a tie for the tallest president between lyndon b johnson and abraham lincoln

**lolo:** donald trump is the third tallest president

**lolo:** bo burnham is taller than john mulaney by about 5 inches

**lolo:** lucky luciano, bugsy siegel, and al capone were all 5’10”

**liar liar:** why do you know that?

**virgy virge:** do you know any that aren’t height-related?

**lolo:** mr. t was an extra in the blues brothers

**lolo:** i learned that one from psych

**princey:** lmao nerd

**lolo:** be nice to me

**princey:** sowwy

**lolo:** oh god, don’t do that ever again

**princey:** do you nyot wove me ???

**lolo:** i’m breaking up with you

**princey:** don’t bweak up with me uwu

**lolo:** oh my god no

**princey:** wait wait wait hold on don’t break up with me please

**lolo:** don’t worry, i’m not getting rid of you any time soon

**bad boy riri:** did you know that with enough work, you can shove a raccoon up your ass?

**princey:** shut uP I’M TRYIN _G TO HAVE A M_ **_OMENT_ **

**bad boy riri:** wow is that the only thing you can say

**lolo:** he isn’t exactly a man of many words

**lolo:** as in he doesn’t know a lot of words

**princey:** okay WOW

**princey:** i did not come here to be attacked

**lolo:** sorry

**princey:** nah it’s fine

**liar liar:** go to bed you fucking heathens

  
  


* * *

  
  


**strudel-cutie4427** to **hoco gang**

**strudel-cutie4427:** hmmm i simultaneously hate and love tiger king

**virgy virge:** that’s a goddamn mood

**strudel-cutie4427:** physically, i am fine

**strudel-cutie4427:** emotionally, i am carole baskin’s husband covered in sardine oil

**bad boy riri:** someone cover me in fish juice and throw me to the cats

**princey:** oh my god never say fish juice ever again

**bad boy riri:** fish juice

**strudel-cutie4427:** fish juice

**princey:** oh god i’ve made a mistake

**liar liar:** fish juice

**virgy virge:** fish juice

**princey:** are we all finished here?

**lolo:**

**lolo:** fish juice

**princey:** god i want a divorce

**lolo:** fine, but i’m taking the kids.

**virgy virge:** hell yeah i get to go with dad

**liar liar:** nice

**princey:** you’re all traitors and i hate you

**lolo:** don’t lie, ro

**liar liar:** yeah, it isn’t healthy to lie to your children

**princey:** oh my god

**lolo:** off topic but i cannot BELIEVE that darcy didn’t realize that jane only seemed indifferent bc she was shy when he was such an antisocial tower of awkwardness that lizzie straight up thought he hated her until he _proposed_

**strudel-cutie4427:** are you watching pride and prejudice _again?_

**lolo:**

**strudel-cutie4427:**

**strudel-cutie4427:** i’ll be over in ten

**bad boy riri:** lmao nerds

**virgy virge:** shut up or i’ll eat your ass

**bad boy riri:** ooookay nevermind then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take your meds at the appropriate time


	12. i'm gay as fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was told i can't say i hate my chapters but i think it's fair to say with this chapter
> 
> strudel-cutie4427- patton  
> liar liar- deceit/ ethan  
> lolo- logan  
> bad boy riri- remus  
> princey- roman  
> virgy virge- virgil

**virgy virge** has changed the group chat’s name to **sad clown hours**!

**virgy virge:** god i’m so fucking dumb

**liar liar:** you okay bud?

**virgy virge:** dude you’re my boyfriend don’t call me bud

**virgy virge:** but i may,,, have accidentally came out to my parents????

**virgy virge:** i think????

**princey:** dude you either did or you didn’t there’s literally no in-between

**virgy virge:** well i can’t really tell if it worked?

**strudel-cutie4427:** worked??

**virgy virge:** well i accidentally said “i’m gay as fuck”

**virgy virge:** and i know my mom heard me because she said “language”

**virgy virge:** but the other part wasn’t addressed

**virgy virge:** so i ran upstairs

**virgy virge:** and i’m stressed as fuck

**liar liar:** i hate to say it, but that’s fucking hilarious

**lolo:** how did you accidentally say “i’m gay as fuck”?

**virgy virge:** i was texting remy and i said out loud what i meant to type

**virgy virge:** and then he started dying next to me

**lolo:** why were you texting if you were next to each other

**virgy virge:** cause we were talking about how we’re gay as fuck

**princey:** dude that’s amazing

**virgy virge:** oh god it actually worked

**virgy virge:** my mom just told me to meet them downstairs

**liar liar:** rip virgil belmonte 2003-2020

**liar liar:** gone but never forgotten

**virgy virge:** literally go die

  
  


* * *

  
  


“So, Virgil,” His mom started as he sat down. “We’ve given a lot of thought to what you said earlier.”

_Oh god, oh god, they found out, they’re gonna kick me out, what if I have to live on the street, what if I have to drop out of school, what if_ \- Virgil’s internal monologue was cut off by his dad.

“We just want you to know that we’ll always support you. And to be honest,” His dad chuckled. “We kind of already knew.”

Virgil’s head shot up. “What?”

“Yeah, that boy Ethan? The way you two looked at each other was not in just a friendly way.”

Virgil’s face was burning as he sunk further into the couch. “Yeah, he may be my boyfriend.”

“Do we need to give him the talk?” His mom asked.

“Oh my god, please don’t do that, I’ll literally die.”

“So is that a yes?” 

“Oh my god, I’m leaving,” Virgil ran up the stairs, his parents laughing at him in the background.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** ethan, they’re going to give you the talk the next time you come over

**liar liar:** oh god

**bad boy riri:** do you think i can pay remy to livestream that

**virgy virge:** knowing my brother he’ll probably do it for free

**princey:** oh i can’t wait

**virgy virge:** god i hate everything

**strudle-cutie4427:** sorry bud

**liar liar:** oh so he can call you bud?

**virgy virge:** yeah because he’s like my second dad

**strudel-cutie4427:** awwwww!

**strudel-cutie4427:** you’re like my son!!!

**princey:** hey don’t steal my kid

**strudel-cutie4427:** fuck you i do what i want

**princey:** oh shit

**lolo:** i sometimes forget that there’s a total personality switch between you being around normal people and you being around us

**strudel-cutie4427:** the innocent persona is all a facade

**strudel-cutie4427:** fr tho it annoys me so much when people say i’m all uwu and innocent and puppies and stuff

**strudel-cutie4427:** like yes, i love dogs, but that’s completely unrelated to my personality

**strudel-cutie4427:** it makes me so mad when people will be like “oh you won’t get this, you’re too pure” like dude i ain’t no bitch

**strudel-cutie4427:** tis all a facade

**virgy virge:** oh damn

**strudel-cutie4427:** this is a psa to stop making my character two-dimensional

**bad boy riri:** ???

**strudel-cutie4427:** never mind

**strudel-cutie4427:** sorry for getting heated

**lolo:** it’s okay, we all have the right to be angry sometimes

**liar liar:** yeah god knows virgil’s bitter all the time

**virgy virge:** it’s true

**virgy virge:** i’m a little angry a lot of the time

**bad boy riri:** it’s not that i’m mad, i just come off as chaotic and angry

**princey:** yeah i’ve only really seen you angry once and it was terrifying

**bad boy riri:** to be fair, he deserved it

**bad boy riri:** it’s easy, just don’t be homophobic and transphobic and i won’t break your nose

**virgy virge:** what a g

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take breaks and go outside every once and a while


	13. the family disappointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being so negative at the beginning of most of these; i have trouble not seeing my work as sub-par most of the time
> 
> roro- roman  
> lolo- logan  
> bad boy riri- roman  
> strudel-cutie4427- patton  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> liar liar- ethan/deceit

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** it’s truly sad clown hours

**virgy virge:** noooo, don’t cry, you’re so thicc

**roro:** oh my god why do i even talk to you about my problems

**liar liar:** yeah you should really know better by now

**virgy virge:** fr tho what’s wrong

**roro:** literally everything

**roro:** i just kind of hate my parents right now

**bad boy riri:** honestly

**roro:** they came home for the first time in months

**roro:** and then immediately started criticizing remus and i

**bad boy riri:** yeah i think that they just see us as things they have to pay taxes on

**virgy virge:** why did they come back?

**roro:** they wanted to “congratulate” remus on winning the award for artist of the year in texas

**roro:** and then proceeded to start berating his art style

**bad boy riri:** and THEN

**bad boy riri:** our mom found roman’s pride pin on his jacket

**bad boy riri:** oh man holy shit they were mad

**roro:** dude i thought dad was going to kill us

**bad boy riri:** and then they packed up their things and left

**roro:** apparently i’m now the family disappointment?

**bad boy riri:** thanks for taking my place

**roro:** yeah no problem

**liar liar:** oh dude that sucks

**bad boy riri:** nah don’t worry about it

**bad boy riri:** they’re old rich people

**roro:** at least they’ll visit even less now

**strudel-cutie4427:** that,,, can’t be where the bar is

**bad boy riri:** well that sucks because that’s where it is

**virgy virge:** oh damn

**liar liar:** if y’all ever need to hang out, i do basically nothing all the time

**strudel-cutie4427:** yeah he stays in his room all day

**liar liar:** okay WOW

**liar liar:** listen, man, i did not come here to be attacked

**roro:** then why are you here?

**liar liar:** honestly i was forced into this friend group

**strudel-cutie4427:** i just wanted you to have friends :(

**liar liar:** i went downstairs during one of your sleepovers to steal pizza and forced me to play scrabble

**lolo:** no, if anyone here was forced in here it would be me

**bad boy riri:** how

**lolo:** remus you literally dragged me out of the bathroom and shoved me towards roman

**bad boy riri:** your point?

**roro:** i’d never thought i’d say it but remus did something right with that one

**lolo:** every once and a while, remus will do something good

**bad boy riri:** oh it’s very rare

**bad boy riri:** but whenever i do something good, it’s very good

**roro:** yeah like when you jumped in the middle of traffic to save those raccoons that you later set loose on that poor kid

**bad boy riri:** honestly he deserved it though

**bad boy riri:** plus i got raccoons out of it

**roro:** yeah but you got arrested for assault

**bad boy riri:** your point?

**roro:** that’s fair

  
  


* * *

  
  


**strudel-cutie4427** to  **sad clown hours**

**strudel-cutie4427:** have you ever heard of night funerals

**strudel-cutie4427:** because i sure as hell haven’t

**lolo:** why do all of our conversations in this chat happen at two in the morning

**lolo:** you’re so lucky this is the weekend

**strudel-cutie4427:** but like think about it

**strudel-cutie4427:** no one ever has funerals at night

**roro:** have you and virgil switched places or something

**strudel-cutie4427:** nah remus was talking about it earlier and i can’t stop thinking about it

**lolo:** so i looked it up and night funerals really only happen if it’s an accidental death and needs a funeral right away in the case that the person has no family or the family wants it done right away. people tend to have funerals in the day time because it’s within normal business hours.

**strudel-cutie4427:** oh

**strudel-cutie4427:** i honestly thought it was going to be more interesting

**roro:** one thing i’ve learned from asking lo about random facts is that something might seem susp but it’s actually kind of boring

**lolo:** one thing i’ve learned from me talking about a lot of things is that some things i might find interesting aren’t necessarily fun facts

**virgy virgy:** i felt that

**virgy virge:** like the fact that more people speak klingon than people speak cherokee is not interesting, it’s depressing

**virgy virge:** lmao that fact’s me because i’m depressing to most people

**strudel-cutie4427:** oh my god i’m going to lose it

**strudel-cutie4427:** i hate to be a walking stereotype but stop being mean to yourself or else i’ll sic remus on you at three am

**virgy virge:** oh god that’s my worst nightmare fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm running out of positive reminders but if you have a pet, make sure to give them lots of love


	14. dunkin and doritos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lolo- logan  
> strudel-cutie4427- patton  
> roro- roman  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> bad boy riri- remus

**bad boy riri** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**bad boy riri:** hey lo

**lolo:** what?

**bad boy riri:** you have late arrival right

**lolo:** what do you want me to pick up

**bad boy riri:** dunkin and doritos?

**lolo:** oh my god that’s disgusting

**bad boy riri:** don’t worry, they aren’t going to be mixed

**bad boy riri:** although it doesn’t sound to bad

**lolo:** NO

**bad boy riri:** ugh fine

**lolo:** what do you want from dunkin

**bad boy riri:** iced vanilla latte?

**lolo:** i’m getting you decaf

**bad boy riri:** >:(

**bad boy riri:** i hate you

**lolo:** i’m getting you food, shut up

**bad boy riri:** wow okay

**lolo:** what type of doritos

**bad boy riri:** the only valid kind

**lolo:** that doesn’t help me

**bad boy riri:** cool ranch

**liar liar:** OKAY i’m stepping in

**liar liar:** cool ranch isn’t that good

**bad boy riri:** BITCH

**lolo:** oh god

**bad boy riri:** that’s such fucking cap

**liar liar:** clearly the best flavor is salsa verde

**bad boy riri:** oh my god no

**liar liar:** hey at least i’m not like roman who likes the organic white cheddar flavor

**bad boy riri:** HE WHAT

**virgy virge:** uh remus just got up and left

**liar liar:** yeah he just came in here and started yelling at roman

**lolo:** to be fair, organic doritos are not good

**liar liar:** dude our teacher tried to step in but remus started yelling at her too

**lolo:** jesus christ, they don’t pay teachers enough

**virgy virge:** if they paid them to get in arguments with remus, every teacher would get a million dollars a year

**liar liar:** they should pay us for getting in arguments with remus

**virgy virge:** unrelated note but we’re writing in class right now and grammarly keeps autocorrecting my name to virgin and patton keeps laughing at me

**liar liar:** you’ve got to admit that’s kind of funny

**virgy virge:** oh no, it’s hilarious, it’s just annoying

**virgy virge:** but my headers keep putting my name as virgin belmonte and it’s so annoying

**virgy virge:** thanks mom for naming me that

**virgy virge:** totally not bitter at all

**liar liar:** honey, passive aggression is not a good look on you

**virgy virge:** fine it fucking sucks

**liar liar:** there’s my virgil

**virgy virge:** shut up

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** who siced remus on me?

**liar liar:** it was virgil

**virgy virge:** HEY

**virgy virge:** ethan’s lying it was him

**bad boy riri:** i was probably going to go bug you anyway so at least i had an excuse

**roro:** honestly i’ll just be in class and he just decides to come and bug me

**roro:** the teachers always call the aps on you so i don’t know why you do it

**bad boy riri:** the aps have stopped caring after i got sent to annex

**bad boy riri:** now it’s just a fun hang out

**roro:** you’re honestly the reason i’m failing dcush

**bad boy riri:** sucks to suck

**lolo:** i can always help you with it

**roro:** i know i just don’t want to bug you

**lolo:** i literally come to you with all of my problems

**lolo:** you won’t bother me

**lolo:** plus, i genuinely enjoy dcush

**virgy virge:** lo you might be the only one who’s ever said that in the history of ever

**lolo:** oops

**strudel-cutie4427:** you guys should probably be paying attention to your classes

**bad boy riri:** i think we all know that i’ve never done that once in my life

**strudel-cutie4427:** that’s fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take a break from your screen every once and a while


	15. vandalism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i watch big time rush while watching this so most of it is incoherent oops
> 
> patpat- patton  
> raccoon- remus  
> roro- roman  
> lolo- logan  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> liar liar- deceit/ethan

**patpat** to **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** hey lo can i borrow your jean jacket

**lolo:** why does everyone want to borrow my jackets?

**patpat:** everyone looks good in jean jackets

**patpat:** plus they’re comfy

**lolo:** you’re lucky you’re about the same size as me

**patpat:** yeah i remember when ree borrowed your jacket

**lolo:** yeah he’s much taller than me

**raccoon:** i didn’t ask for this

**raccoon:** in my defense, your honor, i really am the dumbest bitch alive

**roro:** get shit on nerd

**raccoon:** dude shut up

**roro:** no and you can’t make me

**raccoon:** hmm

**raccoon:** you sure about that?

**roro:** actually i’ve changed my mind please don’t make me

**raccoon:** you sure?

**roro:** oh my god i have never been more sure in my life

**roro:** i’m still mad at you from my hair and my curtains

**raccoon:** oops

**virgy virge:** yes, mr. morales, i know i’m missing my physics homework but these people that i mistakenly call my friends won’t shut up about how much they hate each other

**raccoon:** lmao sorry

**virgy virge:** no you’re not

**raccoon:** yeah you’re right

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lolo** to **sad clown hours**

**lolo:** god i hate remus

**raccoon:** okay WOW

**roro:** why?

**lolo:** for some reason he called me to bail him out

**raccoon:** yeah for some reason i thought you wouldn’t yell at me

**raccoon:** why didn’t you yell at virgil?

**lolo:** because i knew it was your fault

**roro:** wait how did i miss this?

**raccoon:** cause i crawled through the window so you didn’t find out

**raccoon:** but nooooo

**raccoon:** logan had to complain

**raccoon:** (jkjk i don’t care lo)

**lolo:** good, because i was about to kill you

**patpat:** what did you do?

**virgy virge:** just some mild vandalization on a thursday night

**roro:** jesus christ y’all’re dumb

**liar liar:** i’m just glad i wasn’t involved this time

**virgy virge:** yeah, why didn’t you come?

**liar liar:** family game night

**patpat:** we played mario kart and i beat him

**liar liar:** yeah but you cheated, so

**patpat:** how did i cheat?

**liar liar:** you literally pushed me off the couch just before i crossed the finish line

**patpat:** well still

**virgy virge:** wow a lot of sibling hatred today

**roro:** nah i don’t hate remus

**roro:** at least i don’t think so

**patpat:** and e’s like one of my best friend

**virgy virge:** wow just get rid of me like that jeez

**patpat:** sorry virge :(

**virgy virge:** wait no i’m sorry please don’t be sad :(

**liar liar:** don’t worry, he’s right next to me, he’s not actually sad

**patpat:** snitch

**liar liar:** oh you know it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm completely out of motivational messages but just take care of yourself please


	16. koalafications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what if i just pulled a remus and domesticated a raccoon 
> 
> i shouldn't 
> 
> but i really want to
> 
> this quarantine is messing with my head
> 
> lolo- logan   
> patpat- patton  
> roro- roman   
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** i’m watching big time rush and honestly lucy’s really annoying

**roro:** she’s like virgil but virgil’s not a complete asshole to everyone he meets

**virgy virge:** i’d disagree with that

**liar liar:** not that i’m judging or anything

**liar liar:** like not at all

**liar liar:** but why are you watching big time rush?

**roro:** ree slipped into one of his feral moods and big time rush is literally the only thing he’ll watch

**patpat:** why that show?

**roro:** idk but last time i tried to watch something else with him the Raccoon Incident™ happened and i’m not looking to relive it

**virgy virge:** what’s the raccoon incident?

**roro:** the Raccoon Incident™ was the last time i made him mad during one of these fits

**roro:** #neverforget

**lolo:** don’t be so dramatic

**roro:** it’s literally all i'm capable of doing 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** hey wake up you sexy losers, it’s time to sin

**virgy virge:** it’s noon, dumbass

**raccoon:** the point gets across

**patpat:** dang we really are all losers

**raccoon:** nah you’re chill, you’re not a loser

**patpat:** well then, you’re not a loser either

**raccoon:** awwww

**patpat:** <####

**patpat:** oh whoops

**patpat:** <333333

**raccoon:** fuck it

**raccoon:** <####

**liar liar:** jesus christ you two are disasters

**virgy virge:** oh, like you’re any better

**virgy virge:** you literally broke down crying after watching gilmore girls last weekend

**liar liar:** dude don’t expose me like this

**virgy virge:** eat shit loser

**roro:** oh my god you’re like an old married couple

**virgy virge:** i don’t need this from you

**roro:** it’s what keeps you humble

**virgy virge:** no, that’s my anxiety and depression

**roro:** oh damn

**roro:** i be feelin them vibes

**liar liar:** i feel like as soon as you say vibes you immediately either turn more douchey or gayer

**roro:** which was the case with me?

**liar liar:** we’ll see

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** hey hey hey guess what

**lolo:** what?

**patpat:** why aren’t koalas considers bears?

**lolo:** because they’re marsupials

**patpat:**

**patpat:** “BeCAusE tHeY’rE MaRSupIALs” no iT’S BECAUSE THEY DON _ ’T HAVE THE KOALA-FICATIONS I STG LO _ **_GAN_ **

**lolo:** oh god, i’ve angered one of the hoes


	17. might fuck around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this contains content that relates to current events going on right now, especially in reference to the school issues that we're having due to this coronacation of sorts. just a warning if you would like to skip this chapter.
> 
> patpat- patton  
> lolo- logan  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> roro- roman  
> raccoon- remus

**roro** to **sad clown hours**

**roro:** hey, logan, you like bad boys, right?

**lolo:** ???

**roro:** tell him, virge

**virgy virge:** yeah, roman’s the fucking worst

**lolo:** roman

**lolo:** we’re literally dating, you don’t have to do pick up lines on me

**roro:** well, yeah, but it’s fun!

**roro:** hey, lo

**lolo:** oh my god, what?

**roro:** are you a parking ticket?

**lolo:** how would i be a parking ticket

**roro:** cause you’ve got _fine_ written all over you

**lolo:** i’m going to lose it, i swear to god

**roro:** man, lo, i guess your middle name is gillette

**lolo:** roman, we both know it’s matthew

**roro:** because you’re really the best a man can get

**lolo:**

**lolo:** okay that one was actually kind of sweet

**virgy virge:** god y’all are nerds

**roro:** i can’t help but feel like virgil just actually hates us

**virgy virge:** no, it’s just you

**roro:** okay WOW

**virgy virge:** jkjk you’re great, man

**roro:** hmmm

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** might fuck around and drop out of school

**patpat:** jkjk

**patpat:** unless?

**raccoon:** honestly same

**lolo:** maybe don’t do that???

**patpat:** i just feel extremely unmotivated to do my work rn and i just want to quit

**virgy virge:** god what a mood

**patpat:** like i can still get a job as a drop out so why not?

**lolo:** let me stop you right there.

**lolo:** i, myself, have felt this myself. however, based on my own aspirations to have a career in the medical field, that isn’t possible. yes, plenty of high school drop-outs can have stable jobs, but you have made yourself clear in not wanting that. while dropping out can be tempting right now, your future will unfortunately suffer. most drop-outs have a stable job that they can maintain without school or become care-givers to their family members. because of your want to become a pediatrician, you will have to get through high school to get into medical school. it indeed is not ideal, but you do have to make sacrifices for what you want in life.

**lolo:** that being said, if your course path to your future career is threatening to your mental health in an extreme way, maybe consider changing it or come up with a more optimal study plan. 

**lolo:** if the problem is motivation, you don’t have to stress about it. everybody has their downfalls and pits of not being motivated, and, eventually, they move past it. everything will eventually be okay, but right now, just take a break and let your teacher know that you need an extension on your work. take a step back, especially if you’re going through a rough patch.

**lolo:** if you do think dropping out is the best course of action for you then you should. ultimately only you know what's best for you, and don't let anyone else dictate that.

**lolo:** especially in this day and age, fear is going to be inevitable. we’re going through a big point in history, and it’s okay to be scared. there’s nothing wrong with needing a break from school. if the zoom meetings and conference calls are a big point of panic for you, ask a friend to take notes or record it for you. again, if you need an extension on your course work, just let your teacher know and they’ll understand. people show their fear in different ways, and that’s completely fine. everything’s eventually going to even out, and we’ll be okay.

**patpat:** wow

**patpat:** thank you, logan

**patpat:** that actually helps a lot

**patpat:** didn’t really understand the last paragraph, but it’s okay

**lolo:** just a psa for everyone out there

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** i’m getting a haircut, any suggestions?

**raccoon:** shave it

**roro:** bleach it

**virgy virge:** maybe this was a bad idea

**patpat:** i think a nice undercut would give that “don’t fuck with me” vibe, you know?

**virgy virge:** i usually use my face for that, but noted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me projecting onto patton? i had a virtual conference with my therapist and this is basically what she said to me and it helped me a lot.
> 
> remember, it's completely okay to be scared, don't let anyone tell you different.


	18. destroy that bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally flipped a coin to see what story line i wanted to go down today so we're doing great
> 
> i'm losing my mind; i've watched the big time rush movie nine times this week and i need a haircut 
> 
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> lolo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> raccoon- remus

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** god, i’m gonna beat that kid’s ass

**lolo:** what’s going on?

**patpat:** remus was having a very bad day and this kid decided to fuck with him, calling him a freak and such but instead of remus jumping him like he usually would, he just stormed off, crying

**patpat:** now roman’s stalking the halls for that kid while remus is just silently eating cheezit grooves on my lap

**lolo:** wow

**lolo:** do we know who it was?

**patpat:** it was some junior named addie

**virgy virge:** oh i know that bitch

**virgy virge:** she’s so annoying

**lolo:** i’ll be right back

**roro:** how’s remus holding up?

**patpat:** he’s not responding to anything

**patpat:** i’m worried cause he’s getting near the bottom of the box

**roro:** oh god

**roro:** just keep him occupied for now

**patpat:** got it

**lolo:** her full name is addison rose taylor, her counselor is mr. heyes, her library card number is 64523, her student id is 563277, her current period is in room 406 with mr. phose. she was kicked out of theater and suspended recently due to being caught having sex in the costume closet in the drama wing with clay northern. she’s supposed to be sleeping with her chemistry teacher, though it hasn’t been investigated because her parents are big beneficiaries to the athletics department because of her brother, daniel, who is currently holding his place as captain of the baseball team through the use of steroids.

**lolo:** normally, i would say never exploit someone’s information, but she’s notorious for bullying kids and getting away with it.

**lolo:** most of the kids in robotics club have had a run-in with her

**roro:** oh shit

**virgy virge:** how did you find out about all of that?

**lolo:** the people in the attendance office love me and gave me her schedule, and remy is my source of gossip for everyone.

**patpat:** hey, roman?

**roro:** yo

**patpat:** can you find her and slap the shit out of her?

**roro:** oh, of course

**roro:** only i’m allowed to fuck with my brother

**lolo:** i’m not sure that’s how that works?

**roro:** if you had siblings, you would understand

**lolo:** i’m not sure i want to

* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown gang**

**raccoon:** hey, lo, why was that so terrifying?

**raccoon:** like, remind me to never make you mad at me

**raccoon:** i think you just destroyed all of her confidence

**lolo:** never get in an argument with the debate club president.

**liar liar:** honestly that was better than any physical fight i’ve ever seen

**liar liar:** and i saw the one where the kid got a hernia

**raccoon:** aww, lucky

**raccoon:** ofc i was out with the flu when that happened

**virgy virge:** you two are so weird

**raccoon:** dude, you literally wear the same hoodie every day, don’t be a hypocrite

**virgy virge:** actually, i have three variations of the same jacket

**roro:** i’m sorry, w h a t

**virgy virgy:** yeah, they’re all slightly different

**virgy virge:** my parents told me i couldn’t wear the same thing every day, so i made three of the same jackets, just with a few tweaks

**virgy virge:** one of them has a stormcloud zipper pull, one of them has slightly more red-toned purple patches, and one of them is waterproof and has a detachable hood

**roro:** but that’s so extra?????

**roro:** why would you go through all that trouble???

**virgy virge:** you’re the most extra person in the world

**virgy virge:** you don’t know how to do laundry so you just get everything dry cleaned

**roro:** that’s not being extra, that’s being a dumbass

**lolo:** oh my god, you’re an actual child

**roro:** listen, my parents are rich assholes, why not waste their money?

**lolo:** that’s actually a good point

**roro:** we would get a dog, but remus has lost pet privileges after the Incident™

**raccoon:** are we trademarking that now?

**roro:** why not?

**patpat:** i still don’t know what the raccoon incident is

**roro:** it’s best that you don’t

**raccoon:** honestly it wasn’t even that bad

**roro:** bitch, you almost burned our house to the ground

**raccoon:** and?

**roro:** you locked me in my room!

**raccoon:** but you’ve got to admit it, it was kind of funny

**roro:**

**roro:** well, now it is, but at the time, it absolutely was not

**raccoon:** my point exactly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got nothing for you, it's been a rough day


	19. he is baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's really weird to me that people actually like this fever dream of a fic
> 
> patpat- patton  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> lolo- logan  
> roro- roman  
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> raccoon- remus

**raccoon** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**raccoon:** i feel like i’m losing my mind in here

**lolo:** maybe next time, don’t get appendicitis

**raccoon:** dude i literally had no control over it

**liar** **liar:** do you have to have surgery?

**raccoon:** yeah it's about to go boom boom

**virgy virge:** do me a favor and never say that again

**raccoon:** >:(

**raccoon:** can someone please come and keep me entertained?

**raccoon:** roman’s just talking about the stars and stuff and i’m bored

**lolo:** the fictional astrology, or constellations?

**raccoon:** astrology and shit

**lolo:** goddamn it, i’ve told him so many goddamn times that that’s not real

**lolo:** i’m on my way, i’m in the mood to argue with someone

**liar liar:** oooh, fighting, my favorite!

**virgy virge:** why are you like this?

**liar liar:** who knows, dude

**  
  
**

* * *

**  
  
**

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** poll time- do you believe in ghosts

**lolo:** no.

**patpat:** yes

**virgy virge:** no

**liar liar:** yes

**raccoon:** god i want them to

**virgy virge:** what about you, ro?

**roro:** i think i do

**lolo:** i’ve taught you better than that

**roro:** just personal experiences that makes it too hard to ignore for me

**raccoon:** oh i forgot about that

**patpat:** ???

**roro:** when remus was away at last summer at that art camp thingy, i was trying to sleep and i heard heavy footsteps outside my room

**roro:** at first i thought it was just remus, but then i remembered that he straight up wasn’t there and i started freaking out

**lolo:** hm

**lolo:** after realizing this, did you hear any other footsteps?

**roro:** no, i don’t think so

**lolo:** was remus away at camp the year before?

**raccoon:** nah, this was the first year

**lolo:** it’s entirely possible that since you’ve never really been left alone in your house before, your brain was trying to fill in those gaps, trying to make it seem like you weren’t alone.

**lolo:** i seem to remember that during this time, you went on and on about how much you missed remus and couldn’t wait for him to return

**lolo:** you were probably so used to hearing remus walking around at night that you hearing those sounds was an automatic fill in the blanks

**roro:** huh

**raccoon:** first of all, get out of here with all that sciency shit

**raccoon:** second of all, awww, you missed me?

**roro:** of course i was, for the first time in years, i was left alone in a big empty house with no one to cause chaos in

**roro:** plus, you’re my baby bro, of course i missed you

**raccoon:** dude we’re the same age

**roro:** i’m older by fourteen minutes, so

**raccoon:** ugh

**liar liar:** damn

**roro:** wait how far apart in age are you and pat?

**liar liar:** i’m an hour older

**patpat:** i’m baby

**virgy virge:** he is confirmed to be baby

**  
**patpat:** :) **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please take care of yourselves, y'all. you matter immensely.
> 
> also, if you have any suggestions for what you think should happen/what you want to see, let me know, cause i am burning out creatively


	20. we be vibin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't stop watching big time rush 
> 
> virgy virge- virgil   
> patpat- patton   
> roro- roman   
> raccoon god- remus  
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> lolo- logan

**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** is it weird to say that i hate rain?

**liar liar:** i mean to be fair, we live in houston and are on constant flood watch any time it rains hard

**virgy virge:** well yeah, but it’s supposed to go with my emo aesthetic

**virgy virge:** yknow the whole “uwu i only enjoy the rain and dark skies”

**roro:** i don’t necessarily think that emo people say uwu

**virgy virge:** well now i do

**raccoon god:** we can be uwu brothers!

**virgy virge:** i suddenly repeal my last statement, i no longer want to ever say uwu ever again

**raccoon god:** do you not want to be related to me? :(

**virgy virge:** no, you rat

**raccoon god:** that’s fair ig

**raccoon god:** i feel bad for anyone who’s related to me

**roro:** honestly, though, you’re a fucking nightmare

**raccoon god:** why thank you!

**roro:** yeah, np

**lolo:** i’m very glad i don’t have any siblings

**liar liar:** it honestly depends on what kind of sibling you have

**liar liar:** like pat and i are fine, remy and virgy want to slap each other in a loving way, and remus and roman go feral around each other

**virgy virge:** honestly accurate

**virgy virge:** like remy and i don’t necessarily get along, but he’s my little brother, i would die for him

**patpat:** why don’t we ever see him?

**virgy virge:** cause he’s a freshman and we don’t associate with freshman

**patpat:** really?

**virgy virge:** no, he said he would never be caught dead anywhere near my angst and wardrobe 

**roro:** honestly same, but you’re like my best friend, so i’m stuck

**virgy virge:** sucks to suck, loser

**roro:** >:(

**roro:** be nice to me!

**virgy virge:** lmao no

**roro:** god, you’re the worst

**virgy virge:** hell yeah i am

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon god** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon god:** we be vibin down the street, we be vibin to the beat

**lolo:** why are you like this?

**raccoon god:** only a select few can decipher the nonsense that is my thought process

**lolo:** what even prompted that?

**raccoon god:** oh i thought of it in the shower and i needed to write it down so i put it in here

**liar liar:** just use the notes app in your phone?????

**raccoon god:** yeah but baffling y’all is a lot more fun

**liar liar:** honestly i feel like you’re more dramatic than roman sometimes

**roro:** um excuse me

**roro:** how fucking dare

**raccoon god:** lmao sucks to suck

**roro:** you’re such a bitch

**raccoon god:** no, you’re a bitch

**roro:** no, you’re a bitch

**raccoon god:** no you

**roro:** no you

**raccoon god:** no you, dumbass

**roro:** FUCK YOU

**virgy virge:** OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP

**lolo:** you know how i said i hate the twins

**lolo:** just putting that out there again

**raccoon god:** honestly, we  _ are  _ the worst

**roro:** hell yeah we are

**roro:** i stg if we don’t win best siblings this year at the band banquet i’m going to lose it

**raccoon god:** honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t win

**raccoon god:** the band directors don’t exactly like us

**lolo:** yeah, more than half of marching rehearsals, you’ve been sent to the director’s tower

**roro:** listen, if remus says i can’t do something, i will immediately do it

**roro:** if someone issues me a challenge, i will find any sort of way to complete it

**roro:** one time there was this guy at a restaurant when i was ordering and he was like “are you sure you can eat all of that?” and i wasn’t even that hungry, but i ate all of it just to spite that asshole

**liar liar:** lmao what a dork

**patpat:** be nice, e.

**liar liar:** ugh fine

**virgy virge:** lmao loser

**liar liar:** why doesn’t he get yelled at?

**patpat:** there’s no controlling virgil

**virgy virge:** i’m like a wild card

**virgy virge:** not even i know what i’ll do at this exact moment

**raccoon god:** honestly mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i know you know by big time rush is super underrated and that's all i have to say rn
> 
> if you have any suggestions for this/any requests for what you want to see, lemme know cause i'm burning out


	21. utter nonsense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's throw away chapter time, boys
> 
> patpat- patton   
> roro/breakfast taco- roman   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> lolo- logan   
> liar liar- deceit/ethan  
> raccoon god/breakfast tacos- remus

**lolo:** patton, do you have our medical microbiology homework?

**patpat:** yeah, page 234-43 of the textbook

**lolo:** goddamn it

**lolo:** i hate everything

**virgy virge:** wow, lo hates school?

**lolo:** oh, i despise it, but i never say it

**lolo:** however, i’m slightly delirious on flu medication

**liar liar:** but you’re good at school and constantly motivating people to do well in it?

**lolo:** you can be good at something at hate it

**lolo:** case in point: me in basketball

**raccoon god:** you were in basketball?

**lolo:** yeah, in middle school

**lolo:** i swear, i don’t think i’ve ever cried so much from an activity

**raccoon god:** why’d you stop?

**lolo:** i broke my leg and took that as a sign from god

**virgy virge:** lo, you don’t believe in god?

**lolo:** i definitely did in that moment

**patpat:** god, what a mood

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon god** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon god** changed their name to  **breakfast tacos** !

**breakfast tacos:** hey lo?

**lolo:** oh my god i hate you

**roro** has changed their name to  **breakfast taco** !

**breakfast taco:** hey lo?

**lolo:** you do know i'm sick, right?

**breakfast tacos:** hey pat?

**patpat:** sure!

**breakfast tacos:** i’ll venmo you

**patpat:** okie!

**breakfast tacos:** <3

**patpat:** <3

**breakfast taco:** hey lo?

**lolo:** fine.

**lolo:** i hate you.

**breakfast taco:** no you don’t!

**lolo:** no i fucking don’t but i’m reconsidering it.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** hey, lo, are you getting plenty of fluids and food?

**lolo:** fluids, yes, food, no

**patpat:** make sure to eat something!

**lolo:** pat, i literally can’t keep anything down, i don’t want to keep eating

**lolo:** plus, i’m half-awake right now, i’m not going to get food right now

**raccoon god:** honestly, me too

**lolo:** remus, it’s 9 AM and you’re at school, stay awake

**patpat:** lo, don’t think i’ll skip school to come take care of you

**lolo:** no, thank you

**roro:** a piece of advice, logan won’t let anyone outside of his family see him sick

**roro:** one time i tried to come over and he locked his door and refused to come out

**lolo:** i always look disgusting when i’m sick

**lolo:** i’m all sweaty and i’m in my pajamas

**lolo:** besides, why even eat if we’re all going to die in the end?

**virgy virge:** he’s got a point

**patpat:** >:(

**patpat:** i know how to pick locks, i won’t hesitate to come take care of you

**raccoon god:** why do you know how to pick locks?

**patpat:** um

**liar liar:** he thought it would be a cool skill to learn if a hot guy ever saw him do it

**patpat:** i didn’t ask to be called out like this

**liar liar:** too bad, bitch

  
  


* * *

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** tfw you spray deodorant in your eye

**lolo:** why’d you do that?

**roro:** oh, yknow, i like to make my eyes smell like dark temptation in the morning WHY DO YOU THINK IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

**lolo:** sorry ig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep a clean room to keep stress levels down
> 
> give me suggestions pls i'm uncreative


	22. chick-fil-a vs whataburger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka the great texas fast food debate
> 
> patpat- patton   
> angst- virgil  
> prince charming- roman   
> snake face- deceit/ethan  
> lo- logan  
> hot dog water- remus (my friend requested i make this his name at some point in the series)

**hot dog water** to  **sad clown hours**

**hot dog water:** so how are we going to do this?

**prince charming:** god i hate your name

**hot dog water:** thanks dude!

**prince charming:** i vote we go to chick-fil-a

**patpat:** don’t they hate the gays?

**prince charming:** well yeah, but nug nugs

**angst:** he’s got a point

**snake face:** i’m probably just going to be asleep the entire time, so i don’t really care

**lo:** me too

**lo:** football games always makes me want to pass out

**prince charming:** well, yeah, you’re on the podium standing up the entire time

**lo:** yeah, i should have never become a drum major

**hot dog water:** so are we going to chick-fil-a?

**prince charming:** i need my fix of sweet tea

**patpat:** counter-point: whataburger

**hot dog water:** yknow he drives a hard bargain

**lo:** i’d actually prefer whataburger

**prince charming:** gasp!

**prince charming:** traitor!

**lo:** i thrive off of honey butter chicken biscuits

**angst:** sorry ro, i’m with patton on this one

**prince charming:** bitch ass

**prince charming:** what about you, e?

**angst:** he’s asleep rn

**prince charming:** ugh wake that bitch up

**snake face:** dude why are you like this

**snake face:** just let me shleep

**prince charming:** idk man

**snake face:** also we can go to different places and meet up at one of the places

**hot dog water:** oh yeah

**hot dog water:** i lowkey forgot that you can take food different places

**snake face:** i diagnose you all with dumbass

**lo:** we truly deserve it

**hot dog water:** i still think we should go to kroger and fuck shit up

**lo:** this is why all employees at school hate you

**hot dog water:** nah, the janitors are pretty great

**angst:** as tempting as the kroger shit sounds, i don’t want to get kicked out of band

**hot dog water:** wimp

**angst:** hell yeah i am

**patpat:** ro, when you’re at chick-fil-a, can you get me lemonade?

**prince charming:** ugh fine

**patpat:** thanks ro!

**prince charming:** it’s so hard to be mad at you when you’re that polite

**patpat:** it’s my superpower

**snake face:** it’s somehow cute and endearing when he does it but whenever i’m nice and polite everyone thinks i’m either an evil villain or i’m being sarcastic

**snake face:** i mean sometimes i am but that’s not the point

**prince charming:** i mean i think that’s why

**snake face:** i know, but i just like to complain

**angst:** oh don’t we all

  
  


* * *

  
  


**prince charming** to  **sad clown hours**

**prince charming:** can someone tell me why remus stole my trench coat and fedora and then jumped out of the window?

**snake face:** first of all- why do you have a fedora?

**prince charming:** i stole it from the costume closet when we did guys and dolls

**snake face:** cool

**snake face:** second- we need it for a costume

**snake face:** also i don’t know why he jumps out of windows, he just does that sometimes

**prince charming:** wait hold on i want to do costumes

**snake face:** too bad, princey

**prince charming:** awww

**prince charming:** why not?

**lo:** it’s a project for english on the 1920s

**angst:** i get to wear a flapper dress

**prince charming:** you guys are so chaotic

**hot dog water:** why thank you

**prince charming:** wait what are y’all dressing up as?

**hot dog water:** i’m a mobster, ethan’s a socialite, virgil’s a flapper, and logan’s a cop

**lo:** i don’t know why i agreed to this

**snake face:** you don’t have to dress up, lo

**lo:** no, i’m going to

  
  


* * *

  
  


**snake face** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**snake face:** what if microwaves came in cans?

**hot dog water:** well that would kind of suck cause you can’t microwave metal

**angst:** good morning to everyone except these two

**lo:** the collective braincell between you three moved from ethan to virgil in that moment

**hot dog water:** why aren’t you included?

**lo:** when am i not the rational one?

**hot dog water:** you drive a hard bargain, sir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fill up those hydroflasks, kids and keep hydrated


	23. The Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short y'all. i had a different story line i was writing but i've had people theorizing and requesting to see it (lookin at you, ARandomThing) so here you go
> 
> hot dog water- remus  
> snek- ethan/deceit  
> lo- logan  
> patpat- patton  
> angst- virgil   
> princey- roman

**angst** to  **sad clown hours**

**angst:** okay i can’t stop thinking about it

**angst:** you have to tell me about the incident

**princey:** which incident?

**angst:** bitch i stg you know which one

**princey:** o kay jeez

**princey:** there’s really not that much to it honestly

**princey:** like, yes, there was kind of a lot of damage done, but it’s really not that much of a story

**princey:** it was just going to be a little thing that wasn’t really going to be a big thing, but for some reason, people were interested in it

**hot dog water:** wait you’re gonna tell it wrong

**princey:** how would i tell it wrong? 

**princey:** i was there, bitch

**hot dog water:** well, yeah, but still

**princey:** do you want to tell it?

**hot dog water:** hell yeah

**angst:** fucking finally

**hot dog water:** don’t sass me

**hot dog water:** anyways

**hot dog water:** so i was kind of having a bad day, right?

**hot dog water:** roman was kind of being a pompous jerk

**lo:** as per usual

**princey:** HEY

**patpat:** play nice, guys

**hot dog water:** so i formulated a plan to let my anger out on him, and, i’ll admit, it was kind of a dumb plan but most of mine are anyways

**hot dog water:** i went to our trashcan to originally grab a bunch of garbage but spotted a family of raccoons and my plan switched to something else

**hot dog water:** i grabbed one of our reusable grocery bags that logan made us get and got three of the raccoons and headed inside and put them in our bathroom and waited till roman was asleep in his room

**hot dog water:** i then called logan to get hydrogen peroxide because he gives me copious amounts of dangerous chemicals without asking any questions 

**lo:** in my defense, it started because i was scared of him but now it’s just a mutual agreement to not ask questions about either of our situations

**hot dog water:** and that’s why you’re my favorite person

**snek:** wait why does logan have copious amounts of dangerous chemicals?

**lo:** none of your damn business

**snek:** oh damn

**angst:** shhh

**hot dog water:** so i waited till roman fell asleep and then snuck in, did the whole bleaching process with his hair and did all the tinfoil shit

**hot dog water:** about two hours later, i went back in, moved his curtains to surround his bed, building somewhat of a nest and soaked them in hydrogen peroxide

**hot dog water:** i then wrestled the raccoons out of the bathroom and dropped them in roman’s nest/bed situation and lit the curtains on fire, ran out of his room, and locked the door

**hot dog water:** i just kind of sat outside with a fire extinguisher and waited for the screams to start

**princey:** k so imagine with me for a second

**princey:** you’ve had a very long day and wanted to apologize to your brother for being a dick but can’t find him anywhere. you go to bed, slightly worried about him but he can take care of himself, right? you wake up to feeling sharp things running all over you, trying to duck underneath the covers. in confusion, you open your eyes and look into the eyes of a raccoon at three in the morning, scream, and look around to see a wall of a fucking inferno surrounding you. your first thought is, oh, i’m in hell! cool! but then remember your asshole brother that you have decided to disown in about two seconds flat. 

**princey:** stay with me here

**princey:** you jump over the ring of fire around you and run to the door, eager to breath clean air that doesn’t smell sharp and acidic. you try to fling the door open and escape, but for some reason, it’s locked. for some reason, the dumbass architect or door guy decided to have doors that lock from the outside. you bang on the door, trying desperately to open it, but only hear soft snickers on the other side. at this point, the raccoons are trying to find any means of escape, but, unfortunately, they can’t escape. you jump back in, grab the raccoons and decide that since the door wasn’t opening, jumping out of a second-story window was your only means of escape. 

**princey:** fortunately, you had read the percy jackson books and learned that to absorb the impact, you do a barrel roll as you hit the ground. the raccoons quickly scamper off of you and into the night, never to be seen again. you hear the sound of a fire extinguisher inside your room and you remember that there’s someone else inside the house. your brother comes downstairs and unlocks the door. you don’t do anything in the moment, just flop on the couch and pass out. the next day, you end up skipping school.

**princey:** you promptly burn the birthday present you had bought for your brother.

**angst:** oh my god

**princey:** it’s really not as interesting as you’d think it was

**patpat:** jesus christ what was that

  
**hot dog water:** there’s a reason it’s capitalized and trademarked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep safe, y'all!


	24. logangst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had someone request bigoted asshole, so here you go but it's kind of half-assed so sorry bout that borther
> 
> princey- roman   
> hot dog water- remus   
> snek- ethan/deceit   
> patpat- patton   
> angst- virgil 
> 
> a new player has entered the game!
> 
> gossip girl- remy

**hot dog water** to  **sad clown hours**

**hot dog water** has changed the chat name to  **angry clown hours** !

**hot dog water:** oooh, a bitch is gonna get it

**princey:** honestly tho

**patpat:** wait i missed something here

**patpat:** what’s going on?

**hot dog water:** this guy came up to us and started talking shit to logan

**hot dog water:** apparently that bitch addison squealed to her brother and he was pissed off

**princey:** honestly i don’t even think lo even knew how to respond

**princey:** he just kinda sat there and took it

**patpat:** is he okay?

**princey:** idk man

**princey:** after the guy went away, logan just stood up and went to the parking lot

**princey:** he’s not returning any of my calls or texting me back

**patpat:** so what do we do?

**hot dog water:** we find him and beat him up

**angst** has added  **gossip girl** to the chat!

**gossip girl:** BAD IDEA

**gossip girl:** the bitch is constantly paranoid and gets the roid rage anytime someone makes him mad

**gossip girl:** one of the football guys snuck up behind him and the kid almost crushed his windpipe

**hot dog water:** oh shit

**gossip girl:** do not approach at all costs

**gossip girl:** that bitch is on steroids

**gossip girl:** no matter how much you think you can beat him, your skinny ass can’t (lookin at you remus)

**hot dog water:** damn it

**gossip girl:** peace out bitches

**gossip girl:** also virgil you better help me with thomas

**gossip girl** has left the chat!

**princey:** why’d you bring remy in here?

**angst:** cause i knew you guys weren’t going to listen to me

**angst:** but y’all for some reason are afraid of him

**princey:** cause at any point, he could release all of my secrets and i don’t want that shit out there

**angst:** also, be grateful you bitches, i called in my favor

**angst:** now i have to help him woo the new kid thomas

**patpat:** oh damn

**patpat:** i have early release, i’ll go find lo

**princey:** i’ll try and come as soon as i can

**hot dog water:** it’s truly logangst hours

  
  


* * *

  
  


**hot dog water** to **angry** **clown hours**

**hot dog water:** hey did you know that you can poison people with mothballs

**princey:** have you been watching psych again?

**hot dog water:**

**hot dog water:** maybe.

**princey:** stop watching it, it keeps giving you obscure murder knowledge

**hot dog water:** maybe that’s exactly why i need to keep watching it

**princey:** god you’re the worst

**hot dog water:** hell yeah i am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i be vibin hard to big time rush ngl


	25. losing my mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am losing my mind during this whole coronacation so have this ig
> 
> lo- logan   
> snek- ethan   
> hot topic- virgil  
> hot dog water- remus   
> princey- roman

**lo** to  **angry clown gang**

**lo:** so guess who’s losing their mind

**hot dog water:** you?

**lo:** winter break makes me want to die ngl

**princey:** i think that might be the most non-teenager thing you’ve ever said

**lo:** i think it’s just because i hate being misgendered

**lo:** but i also hate my grandparents

**hot dog water:** i’ll cheers to that

**lo:** might fuck around and come out to spice things up

**snek:** um

**snek:** hey dude?

**lo:** yeah?

**snek:** maybe don’t do that???

**lo:** i know, i’m just bored

**hot dog water:** just come over and we can watch doctor who

**princey:** stop stealing my boyfriend

**lo:** actually that sounds great

**hot topic:** can i come over too?

**hot dog water:** sure dude

**lo:** have you ever watched doctor who?

**hot topic:** nah but remy’s driving me insane

**princey:** how?

**hot topic:** he keeps talking about that new kid

**father figure:** you mean thomas!

**hot topic:** how do you know him?

**father figure:** i’m a part of the student council’s adopt a freshman program and i got him

**father figure:** he’s like the sweetest kid in the world

**hot topic:** oh god, remy’s going to corrupt him

**father figure:** nah, they’ll be fine

**hot topic:** i’ve just never seen him like this

**hot dog water:** even worse than with ethan?

**hot topic:** oh yeah

**snek:** ???

**hot topic:** dude, did you never notice?

**snek:** what??

**hot topic:** when we were kids, remy had the biggest crush on you

**snek:** uh

**snek:** yikes

**hot topic:** yeah it was really weird

**hot topic:** oh god he’s going to kill me for telling you about that

**lo:** hey, remus, what time should i come over?

**hot dog water:** honestly any time is fine

**hot topic:** can i come early so remus can explain the plot to me?

**lo:** no, he’s going to mess it up somehow

**hot dog water:** okay WOW

**hot dog water:** do you have any faith in me?

**lo:** no

**hot dog water:** actually, that’s pretty valid

**lo:** actually, i’m coming over right now

**lo:** i literally can’t take this anymore

**hot dog water:** coolio

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **angry clown hours**

**lo:** okay, never mind, remus is driving me nuts

**princey:** what’s he doing?

**lo:** every time the doctor and jack are on screen together, he keeps saying that they should fuck

**lo:** he’s right, but i’m just trying to watch it

**princey:** this is why you should never watch anything with him

**princey:** he’ll just say that all of the characters are fucking

**princey:** according to him, all the members of big time rush are gay

**hot dog water:** i still stand by my words

**hot dog water:** you cannot tell me that logan mitchell is straight

**princey:** okay, i’ll give you that one

**hot topic:** ngl i don’t know what’s going on in this show

**hot topic:** logan please explain it to me

**lo:** oh my god, fine, we’ll just start at the beginning of christopher eccleston’s doctor

**hot topic:** thank god

**hot topic:** this is so confusing

**lo:** it’s really not that bad

**princey:** honestly it’s confusing even for me

**hot dog water:** dude literally everything confuses you

**hot dog water:** you can’t follow multiple-step assignments in class

**princey:** okay but that’s just my adhd

**hot dog water:** that’s fair, actually

**snek:** wait don’t you have adhd too?

**hot dog water:** yeah but roman’s the more inattentive and distractible type and i’m the hyperactive and impulsive type

**lo:** adhd gang

**princey:** oh worm?

**princey:** what’s your type?

**lo:** over-focused and it’s so irritating

**hot topic:** lmao nerds

**hot dog water:** dude i stg shut up

**hot topic:** don’t sass me

**hot dog water:** dude that’s not sass, that’s being disrespectful right to your fucking face

**hot topic:** chill out for like two seconds

**hot dog water:** i think we both know that i’m not capable of doing that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wake up before noon you heathens


	26. chaotic cuties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i really need to do my school work, but, honestly, i'd rather die
> 
> hot dog water- remus   
> roro- roman   
> snek- ethan   
> hot topic- virgil  
> lo- logan   
> patpat- patton

**hot dog water** to  **sad clown hours**

**hot dog water:** so i have good news and bad news

**hot dog water:** which would you like to hear first?

**patpat:** good news?

**hot dog water:** you can now draw on my leg and have it stay there indefinitely 

**patpat:**

**patpat:** what’s the bad news

**hot dog water:** my leg is now broken

**patpat:** oh my god you’re a colossal dumbass

**hot dog water:** honestly i kind of deserve

**lo:** how come you’ve been in the hospital so many times this year?

**hot dog water:** it’s only been like three times

**hot topic:** that’s still kind of a lot

**hot dog water:** nah

**hot dog water:** it’s fine

**lo:** so what’d you do?

**snek:** it was honestly kinda funny

**hot dog water:** i fell out of a tree while ethan laughed at me the entire time

**snek:** i tried to stop you from climbing it but you kept saying that there was literally no way that you were going to fall

**snek:** and then you proceeded to fall

**hot dog water:** the only reason i fell was because roman decided to scare me

**roro:** k but how did you not notice that i was in the tree already?

**snek:** he makes a good point

**hot dog water:** i hate you

**snek:** nah, cause then you wouldn’t have any friends

**hot dog water:** no, i have logan

**lo:** well would you look at the time

**hot dog water:** okay WOW

**lo:** just kidding, just kidding, don’t worry

**hot dog water:** okay that’s chill

**patpat:** i’m offended that you think i’m not your friend

**hot dog water:** of course you’re my friend!

**hot dog water:** you’re my favorite person!!!

**patpat:** !!!!!

**hot topic:** chaotic cuties

**patpat:** oh my god i love it

**patpat:** i’m coming over and writing that on your leg

**hot dog water:** p l e a s e

**hot dog water:** roman’s boring

**roro:** i’ll dump your ass in the street without your crutches

**patpat:** WAIT I’M BUYING MINI PILLOW PETS TO PUT ON YOUR CRUTCHES

**hot dog water:** OH MY GOD YOU’RE LITERALLY THE BEST

**lo:** god you two are the worst

**lo:** i regret being you guys’ friends

**hot topic:** it’s too late to back out now

**lo:** unfortunately

**roro:** i stg ree pay attention, you were the one who wanted to watch this

**hot dog water:** well i’m sorry if raoul is fucking boring

**roro:** who would you rather stan???? the phantom who tried to kidnap her????

**snek:** listen, as someone who has been called hideously deformed, i can say that i’ve done some really shitty things in the name of love

**roro:** yeah but you never kidnapped a potential love interest

**snek:**

**snek:** define kidnap

**hot topic:** k but that did not count as kidnapping

**roro:** sorry you kidnapped him?

**snek:** it was more of a “put a blindfold on, virgil, and get in my car” type situation

**roro:**

**roro:** so you mean kidnapping?

**hot topic:** nah it’s fine

**hot topic:** it was a super rad date idea ngl

**roro:** you two are so strange

**hot topic:** we’re the depressed theatre kids

**roro:** no y’all just fucking weird and have death wished

**snek:** yeah i mean i guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk man, i got nothing


	27. BEANS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm listening to adele and crying
> 
> patpat- patton   
> jekyll- logan  
> hyde- ethan  
> roro- roman   
> hot dog water- remus   
> hot topic- virgil

**hot dog water** to  **sad clown gang**

**hot dog water: ẁ̷̢̪͈͓̟̪͈̮̫̐́͒̕͜ͅh̸̛̯̞̣̿̋͂̅͗͗̈̎̑͌̆́͛͆͝i̵̡̛͓̱̣̲̳̪̬̥̼͖͊̈́̈̽̎͗̒̒̄͗͒̍̀̈́̿̕̚͜c̸̭̖̹͕̱̗̜̝͇̩̖̘͐̌̿͒͜ḧ̷̢͕̖̣̼͍̩̻̱͇͎͍͈́͌̽͒̒͌͂̎̿́̎͜ͅ ̶̩̲͒̂̄͛͂͆͌̑̊̆̋̊͠o̵̭̦̭̣̝͕̲̝̞͚̺̥̦̥͔̞̘̊͋̊̉͂̋͒͌͠n̶̳͔̖̯̄̈́͝͝ͅe̶̳̤̥͉̺͉͉̞̮̺͙̖̣̓̓͒̈͌̅̈́͗̈̍̅̐̌̿͘͜͠ ̸̦̝̩̗̪̫̤̮̮̱͚̂̿͂̋̏̒̌̒̇̾͐͐̄͑́͒̕̚o̷̢͚̲̝̱̎͂́f̸̛̛̜̏͗̑̾ ̸̬̖̳͈̪͕̬͇̂̇͜y̵̡̡̱̝͉͍̫̜̣̫̓̐͜o̷͓̭̦͖̯͉̼̘͔̞̔̑̐̾̃̂͘͠ͅų̵̛͚̟̩̝̪̝͚̖̻͔͉͎̓̓̐̈́͋̑͗̌̌̅́̏͌́̽̾̊̚ ̵̨̰̬̖̻͠s̴̢̛͚͉̮̞̗̞̰̗̭͂̍͐͛̎̾̊̊͐̓̐̂̎̕n̷̢̢̰̟̙̮̟̬̞̻̋̍̐̑͗̋͑̉͌̇̍͝͠ͅi̸̛̱̝̯̥̭̖̖̞͙̞̙͐͒̂͗͆̀̿͊͋̌͘͘͜͝t̵̩̆̓̑̒́͐̐͊͐̌̎͑͝͠͝͠ḉ̷̢̫̖͈̰̬̺̮̯͓̻͍̿͊̋̔̎̈́͑̋̈́͌̀̈́h̵̺̘̳͍̒̋̆̇̎͛̾͗̈́͌̃̂̽̋̀̊̕̕͜͝ͅe̵̢̳̖̥͎̫̬͎̰͓̟͈͕̭̒̍̒͑͒̓͆̆͌̅̓̎͜d̸̡̦͚͎̪̩̝̙̦̼̲͔̯͈̀͛̎̏͠͠ ̸͚̩̰͍̜̪̳͗̌̎͑̓̂̒̏̏͌̀̈̀̚̚͘͠ö̷̩͖̤̟̦̺̘͇̲̲̜̪̥̺̿́̀̽͂̃͑͐̋̎̀͘͘̕͝͝n̸̬͒ ̷̺͛͑̾̇̒̎̈́̿͑̀̾̍̓̀m̵̮̬̻͎̲̥̰̤̊̑̈́͛̚ͅe̷̦̝̝̲̼͗̈́͋̋̈́̈̈́͗̽̋͒́̄̈̽̐͘͠͠?̴̧̺̯̦̪̞̙̪̾͌̅**

**hot topic:** what the fuck whatthefuckwhatthefuck

**jekyll:** are you okay?

**hot dog water:** **Y̵̡̨̧̧̛̗̫̙̻͎̭̯̳̤̠͓̲̙̺̘̞̭̮̞̬͙̖̜͕̟̠̟͎͍͖̼̮͍͇̣̫͍͈̝͐͐̄̈͆̓̔̊͂͘͠ͅͅƠ̶̧͔̈͛̊̾́̊̏̐̿̾̄̾̄͘̕Ư̷͖̳̥̫̮̗̺̜̯͎͓̲̳̣͇̥̻͈̎̂̂͐̉̑͒̈́̇̈̋̑̇́͐̏̌̌̓͒̅̉̽͆̂́̀̀̉̍͛̔́̉̋̽͌́̈̃̈̄̀́̀͌̍̾̈́̈́͘̚͘̕̕̚͝͠͝͠͠͝͝͠ ̸̨̡̧̡̨̡̰̙͙̳̬̪̖̖͙̣͖͕̗̠͈͔̙̳̫͈̩̤̮̙̱͙̫̜̘͚̞͔̇͆̀̓̒̊́̄̌̃̂͛̾̐̇̿̎͑̅́͒̌̑͜͝Ą̴̡̨̨̡̢̡̗̖͉̲̪̮͖̼̥͍̲͕̬̱͙̱͓̖͚͎͕̦͔͎͔͖̖͙͓̝̭̬͉̭̠̪̺͙̓̏̈Ļ̴̨̡̡̛̥͔͇͇͕̗̲̳̮̗̬̪̥̣͕͙̟̘̬̗͙̻̹̥̟͉͔̺̠́͆̀̽̅͂͒̂̎̑̂͗̅̑͌͒̊̂̇̀̿́̍͌̈́̈͒̀̐̌́̿̆̀̔͆́̀̚͘͜͝ͅͅM̷̡̧̛̛̛͍̠̣͔̼̤͖͔͓̲͍̳̪̜̖̭͎̺͇͉͎̬͉͈̱̯̖͈̭̖̭̯̖͔̗͗͂͌̀̓́͐̇̊̾͆̑̏̂̐̔̀̇̌̽̊̈́̍̽̃͊̚̕̚͜͝͝͝ͅŎ̶̢̢̧̡̧̘̫̮̮͖̼̟͚̥͍͔̹͎͋͑S̸̡̨̧̡̡̡̼͎͎̖̠̩͖̠͉̘͕̖͕͎̙̠̱̯̟͖̱͉̱̹͇̱̜͚̜͎̜͇̘̼̦̼̤̘̮̥̰̰̯̘̙̒͗͋̉̏͒́̍̂̕͜ͅT̷̢̧̡̢̨̧̧̙͔̭̫̮̣̭̥͚̟̯̱͙̲͇̞̤̟͕̪̟̤̫̫̙͎̭̺͚͉̣̲̲̻̬̠̯̪̲̗͈̦̉̾̃̎̾̏̽͐̊̓̈̈́͒̍̋̊̈́̏̄͑̀͆͌̂̃̂̏̑̓̽͊̉͊͂̋́̃̈̓̊̈́́̓͋̎̌͊̏̕̕͠͝͝ͅ ̴̨̢̨̧̛̛̮̱͚̗̩̮̲̬̪͉͔͍̠̮̝̟̞͚͕̠̳̳̤̠̮̗̟̥͙͙̼̥̼̰̹̯̮̹͎̻̠̦͖̭́͐̽̈́͊̌͋̈́͂̍̄̃͆̓̇͋̎͑̍̀̉̾̏͐̍͋̏̈́̅̏́̎͂̿̓̅̓͌̏̎̌͑͋͐̈́̏̈́̈́́́͘͘͜͜͜͝͠͝͝͠͠͠͝͝͝ͅC̵̢̭̠̖̙̪͚͓̭̻̞̙̻̭̿̋̄̈͒̌̍͗̍̽̌̿̂͐͆̌̈͑̈́̈̆̉͐͋̆Ơ̵̢̢̗̼̭̠̝̰̺̭͙͈̤̞͓̬̺͐̈́̋̉̆͌̇̿̇̅̍͊̐͑̌͂͗̔̂͌́̎̈̑͒͌͒͛̋̇́̔̎̉̊́̾̂͋̾̑̔̔̇́̈́̀̍̓͗̉͘̚͘̕̕̕͝͝͝Ş̴̢̨̧̢̨̡̛̛͎̦͔̩̖̘̗̖͔̼̭̣͕̼͉̖̫̫̰̥̱͎̦͙̫̺͈͖̟̜̠̲̮̭̝̠̖̻̬͓̟̱͎̰̤̗̲͓̳̫͔̬̣̦̘̝̲͋͊̄̇̓̾̔̓́̈̃̅͌̍̓̊̉̈́͌͑̌̓́̍̉̔́̀͂̅̽̉̇͑̈́̔͒̉͂͋̅̐̈́̄̆̚͜͜͜͝ͅͅͅT̷̨̥̖̹͖̯͈̯̯̙̰͇̄̎̂̓̈́̎̐̌͊̓̓͂͆͑͗͛̏͋̎̔̕͝ ̸̦̗̯͓̯̤͉͈͛̒̓̋́͛̀̽̉̍͐͋̾̋͑͒͆̇̌̎͋͂͋̽̔̂̀͐̽̿̌͂̀̓̒͋͛͑̀̈̀͆̀̓̏̋͗̂̈́̆̕͜͝͝ͅM̷̢̨̨̡̪̬̲̱̫̲̙̞̯̺̱̬̱̫̳̱̫̖̲̼̪̠̱̬̣̭̣̣̥͇̫̬͚̳̼̣̯̬̹͉͍̞͍͔̭̱̑̊̄͐̅̄̍̐̏̎̑̔̅̀͋͌̈̚̕͘͜͠͠ͅͅͅͅͅĘ̴̛̛̺̙̪͕̻̩̱͍̼͕̟̝̤̙̘̯̫̣̜̘̗͛̋̿̓̃̈́̃́̿͊̈́͌̉̈̈́̎̆̍̀̆͂̈̉̊́̂̂̉͆̊̽̂̈́̈́̈͌̅͘̚̕͜͝͠ͅ ̵̨̨̢̛̛̤̼͍͚͇̣̰̹͍̰̻͍̻͎̮̲̟̝͚͍͈̺͔̥̯͎͔̮͍̖̦̼̜̙̭̯̘̗̜̬͚̼͕͙̦̗̘̟̩̭̱͂͆̄̀̇̽̄̋̍̐̊͋̾͂̽̏̅̽͑̅̾̓̀́̒͊̾͑̏́̈́̾̃̆̈́̉̈́̌̽͛͛̕͘̕͜͠͠͠ͅͅË̴̢̧̡̧̝̥͚̺̦̳͎͚̱̼͈̪̺͍͈̻̲̞̩̼̙͔̹̯̖̭͖̣̤̻̩͚͔͈̯̳͓͔͚͔̣̲̤͙̹̺̮̩̤̘͚̘̥͔͓́͌̒̓̊͑̒͑̀̄̐̽̍͑̆́̓̈̾̔̽̅͆̆̈́̆͊͛̈́͘̕͜͝͝͠͝͝ͅV̷̡̡̡̝̠̞̺̻͓̙̳̘̯̰̝̮̳̫̲̞̰͎͓̯́̈̓̒̇͛͊́͂̔̄̇͒̋̄̅̿̀̓͊̃̉͐̆̆͆̊̓͆͑̈́̃̄͒̐̅̈́̏̀̔̋̑́͛̋̈́̊̅͑̽̌̏͆̈͊̃͘͘͘̕̚̚͜͝͝͝͠ͅͅḘ̶̡̧̡̛̛̥͚̱͎̲̯̻̰̲̻̲͕͖̩̦͔̫̮̫͙̖̰̰̱͔̑͐͛̀̏̽͋͊̂̿͋̊̆͆̀͂̒͒́̾̒́̓̍̀̾̽̐̆̊͑̅̿̅̇̍̎̊̈́̃͛̈́̈̅̀̕̕͘͘͝͝R̶̢̺̖͖̪̜̖͙̩͈̜̯̖̾̿̽̒̌͜͝Y̷̢͙̰̳̘͈͕͕̾͆͐̂͑͜Ț̶̡̢̨̢̛͕̞̲̣̖͔̦̘̫͇̖͓͇̣̼̞͚̞̳̯̝͔̳̭̲̗̫̭͈̱̗̹̹͉̰͙͎̠̥͚̺̂̆̊̇̔́͆̅̍͆̀͌͗͂̉̍͘̕͝H̷̲̑͂̾̾̎̾̍̃͌͊̊̂̌͌̍͆̚̕͠͠Ỉ̷͔̟̳̮̝̜̹̗̈́̀̒̅̃͆̈́̇̄̂̃́͐̈̽̽̆́͌̔̍̍̔͛͐͐̋͋̈̽͆̊͛̅̅͑̌͛̍̓̈͘͜͠͝͝Ņ̴̦̼̗̃̒̓̇̊̏̌̋͒͑̅̎̋̎̏͛͐̈́̿̒̃̅̈́͌́́̃̄̐́̇͋̽́̂͂̈́̾̄͂̔̐̈́̇͛̅̀̎͋̄̈͊̊͝͝͝͝G̷̢̡̨̧̢̢̛͓͉̖̘̯̭̥̙̞̖̠̜̮̰̬̲͙̟̗̘̩̟̖̣̟͙̭̖̳̝͉̱̠͎͖̭͕̰̠̮̪̰͈͍̞̜̖̰̭̹̹͎̓̇́̽̅̿̏͋́̂̋̿́̍̏̓͑̑̄̎̚͜͜͝**

**jekyll:** ???

**roro:** yeah apparently someone told the police that remus was illegally housing a raccoon

**roro:** they didn’t find him, but remus is super fucking mad

**hyde:** jesus this hurts to read

**hyde:** this is not reader-friendly

**hot dog water:** i literally am so goddamn mad rn

**jekyll:** to be fair, you know having a raccoon as a pet is illegal in texas is illegal, right?

**hot dog water:** dude, i literally almost never follow the law

**hot dog water:** it’s like that one danny gonzalez song, it would take a month to read my criminal record

**jekyll:** you’re dating this content

**hot dog water:** yeah, that’s a little bit stale, that’s my bad

**jekyll:** mhm

**hyde:** man those were the simpler days

**jekyll:** e, that was last year

**hot topic:** dumbass

**hot topic:** side note, i can’t stop thinking about that short story we read a while ago in english

**jekyll:** which one?

**hot topic:** a rose for emily

**hyde:** oh that mess of a story

**roro:** ???

**hyde:** yknow the one where she straight up kills him for being gay and keeps his body in her house until she dies

**roro:** oh my god what????

**hyde:** yeah, it’s not as nuts as the yellow wallpaper or chickamagua, but it’s up there in being fucking nuts

**hot dog water:** bro i straight up don’t remember this

**jekyll:** yeah, you have a habit of sleeping during english

**hot dog water:** it’s not my fault the teacher’s boring as fuck

**hyde:** yeah, i think i have logan’s hydro flask stickers memorized now cause i refuse to pay attention to anything except the gothic literature unit

**jekyll:** that’s actually fair

**hot topic:** dude when we watched the corpse bride,,,,, just,,,,,, chef’s kiss

**roro:** ugh i should’ve taken dual credit

**jekyll:** oh, no, everything else about it sucks

**hot topic:** there’s a reason we have a group chat exclusively for english

**roro:** maybe you should pay attention???

**hot dog water:** no offense, but i’d rather die than pay attention to tara

**patpat:** tara?

**hot dog water:** if i hate the teacher, i call them by their first name

**hot dog water:** it’s why i call the band directors chris and kyle

**hot dog water:** because i hate their guts and hope they die

**roro:** dude chill

**hot dog water:** no and u can’t make me

  
  


* * *

  
  


**jekyll** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**jekyll:** man i’m very tired

**jekyll:** serb fresdnt

**jekyll:** i don’t even know what i was trying to say there

**roro:** when was the last time you got sleep?

**jekyll:** what day is it?

**roro:** um

**roro:** thursday?

**jekyll:** oh it was only monday

**roro:** what the fuck do you mean only?

**hyde:** dude go to bed

**hyde:** why are you even staying up?

**jekyll:** we have an ap bio test tomorrow and i have to study

**hyde:** dude you’re going to pass, you know that, right?

**jekyll:** i don’t need to just pass, i need to bring my grade up in that class

**patpat:** lo, you have a 94

**jekyll:** yeah, but my parents are on my ass

**jekyll:** they won’t settle for anything less than a 98 and it makes me want to die

**hot dog water:** damn i felt that

**jekyll:** i just want to shlep

**jekyll:** *sleep

**jekyll:** fuck

**jekyll:** i’m losing my mind

**hyde:** honestly same

**patpat:** word of advice: don’t stay up five days in a row, you start seeing things in the shadows

**hot topic:** yo that sounds pretty rad actually

**patpat:** oh my god, no, it’s fucking terrifying

**hot dog water:** i’m going to see how long i can last without sleep, thank you logan for funding my research

**jekyll:** actually, that sounds very interesting

**hot dog water:** see, i can have good ideas

**roro:** oh my god don’t do that

**roro:** i’m pretty sure that’s bad for your health

**patpat:** i know for a fact that that’s bad for your health

**jekyll:** please know that i don’t endorse this, i just think it would be interesting

**jekyll:** don’t do that, remus

**hot dog water:** >:(

**hot dog water:** i just want to “for science” it

**jekyll:** “for science”ing things is not a good idea

**hot dog water:** yeah ik but at this point, i don’t really care about my health, so

**hot dog water:** like my leg is already broken, might as well go all the way

**hyde:** i don’t think those two things connect

**hot dog water:** too bad, bitch

**hot dog water:** i make the laws of this land

**hot topic:** somehow i don’t think that’s right

**hot dog water:** idk man

**hot dog water:** i’m always right

**jekyll:** oh, that’s a falsehood

**hot dog water:** yeah i’m kind of a dumbass

**roro:** i’ll cheers to that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm burning out creatively so give me ideas pls


	28. i'm sorry, your middle name is what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *SPOILERS FOR NEW EPISODE*
> 
> i refuse to go back and change janus' name so we're doing it this way
> 
> hyde- janus  
> patpat- patton  
> jekyll- logan  
> roro- roman  
> hot dog water- remus  
> hot topic- virgil

**hyde** to  **sad clown hours**

**hyde:** i fucked up

**hyde:** like real bad

**patpat:** what’d you do?

**hyde:** i may or may not have broke roman’s headphones

**hot topic:** oh dude you’re dead

**patpat:** rip ethan janus moore 2002-2020 gone but never forgotten

**hot topic:** i’m sorry, your middle name is janus?

**hyde:** yeah lol

**hot topic:** pardon me while i only call you that now

**hyde:** oh my fucking god

**hot dog water:** let’s sign a petition to only call him that now?

**roro:** i’m down

**hyde:** why?

**roro:** as punishment

**roro:** also the author doesn’t want to go back and change your name so we’re doing it this way

**hyde:** ah, that’s chill

**roro:** also i’m fucking pissed at you

**hyde:** i told you to never trust me with anything important

**roro:** yeah ik but i forgot so

**patpat:** be nice

**roro:** i literally refuse

**patpat:** okay WOW

**patpat:** rude

**roro:** sowwy

**patpat:** i feel like you’re not

**roro:** oopsie

**hot dog water:** in the end, we’re all bitter bitches

**lo:** honestly though

**lo:** my favorite part of the day is sitting next to remy and talking shit about others (roman)

**roro:** i’ve been betrayed????

**hot topic:** ew why would you hang out with him?

**lo:** because i have to???

**lo:** virgil, he sits next to me in band, what do you expect me to do?

**hot topic:** it’s truly dumbass hours

**hot topic:** i deadass didn’t know that

**hot topic:** i pulled a roman

**roro:** wow, we’re really shitting on me today, huh

**hot dog water:** get shit on, nerd

**roro:** fuck you too

**hyde:** sibling love at it’s finest

**hot dog water:** shut up janus

**  
**hot dog water:** wow that’s weird to type out **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, confession time:
> 
> there are some things in this that i probably won't revisit again either because it would be very hard to write or i just don't know how to do it. this was made to jump around throughout their school year and isn't really made to have a straight-forward plot. again, i'm the goddamn king of plot holes and sometimes, those holes won't be filled. 
> 
> this doesn't mean that everything is going to be left hanging, it's just some things aren't going to be elaborated on.
> 
> alright.


	29. intruality pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, this is kinda the part one type thing
> 
> ALSO I CAN'T GET OVER THE NEW VIDEO LIKE HOLY SHIT
> 
> patpat- patton  
> lo- logan  
> sure jan- janus (screeches)  
> rat bastard- remus  
> roro- roman  
> virge- virgil

**virge** to **sad clown hours**

**virge:** note to self- when remus threatens to kick you, don’t think ‘oh, he has a broken leg, he’s not that dumb as to hurt himself even further’ because he will roundhouse kick you in the face

**rat bastard:** get fucked nerd

**roro:** why’d you do that?

**rat bastard:** he’s a bitch, that’s why

**sure jan:** he’s got a point

**virge:** >:(

**virge:** i hate you

**sure jan:** :) 

**sure jan:** love you too

**virge:** ugh

**roro:** wait but actually why did you kick him in the face

**rat bastard:** cause he said i couldn’t

**virge:** no, i knew you could, but i didn’t think you actually would

**rat bastard:** well i did

**virge:** yeah i can tell by the throbbing in my nose

**lo:** did he break it?

**rat bastard:** nah, he’s just being a baby bitch about it

**virge:** DUDE YOU LITERALLY KICKED ME IN THE FACE WITH YOUR CAST

**virge:** OF COURSE I’M GOING TO BE MAD

**rat bastard:** oopsies

**rat bastard:** sorry ig

**virge:** no you’re not

**rat bastard:** damn right i’m not

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**roro** to **rat bastard**

**roro:** heeyyyyyyyyy

**rat bastard:** that’s not a good sign

**roro:** what do you mean?

**rat bastard:** you never talk to me unless you’re about to do something bad

**roro:** um i’ve never done anything bad in my entire life, actually

**rat bastard:** do i need to get logan’s list of people’s failures?

**roro:** wait no my self-esteem can’t take that rn

**roro:** anyways

**roro:** so you know how you have that giant crush on patton?

**rat bastard:** what?

**roro:** i’m not completely blind, ree

**roro:** i really want to set you two up bc you two would be so freaking cute together

**rat bastard:** ro

**rat bastard:** no offense

**rat bastard:** but you’re the worst at playing matchmaker

**roro:** how?

**rat bastard:** you almost ruined virgil and janus’ friendship in one fell swoop

**roro:** in my defense, janus was very uncooperative with how i thought he was going to act in the situation

**rat bastard:** jesus christ, you’re the worst

**rat bastard:** but what’s your “amazing plan”?

**roro:** so you know how patton loves cookies and basically all baked goods, right?

**rat bastard:** yeah no shit

**roro:** what if you brought him one of those cookie cakes and wrote a message declaring your love for him on it and brought it to him during lunch?

**rat bastard:** dude you literally have no chill whatsoever

**roro:** uh, yeah, it’s my brand

**rat bastard:** plus that’s a terrible idea

**roro:** okay wow just shut my ideas down like that

**rat bastard:** no, i mean that doing it in a public place would be a bad idea

**roro:** ugh you’ve been hanging out with virgil too much

**rat bastard:** ew no

**rat bastard:** it’s just that i don’t think pat would be super comfortable with that

**rat bastard:** plus, if he rejects me, that would be the most embarrassing thing in my life

**roro:** damn it

**roro:** you always hang out after school in the band hall, right?

**rat bastard:** yeah

**roro:** just give it to him there and i can watch from afar

**rat bastard:** why are you so interested in my love life?

**roro:** i want to see you happy!!!

**rat bastard:** dude i’m happy right now???

**roro:** i know, but i want to see you and patton happy together!!!

**rat bastard:** mhm

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**rat bastard** to **patpat**

**rat bastard:** so apparently i’m going to confess my undying love for you written on a cookie cake after school on tuesday

**patpat:** sorry, what?

**rat bastard:** yeah roman really wants us to get together

**patpat:** does he know that we’re qpp’s?

**rat bastard:** no lol

**rat bastard:** i’m pretty sure only logan knows cause he confronted me about it

**patpat:** i also think janus knows, he just doesn’t say anything

**rat bastard:** that sneaky bitch

**patpat:** so how should i react?

**rat bastard:** well, everyone else has a bet going that this romantic gesture that roman has planned isn’t going to work and he’s going to throw a hissy fit about it

**patpat:** that doesn’t give me a clear response?

**rat bastard:** i want to straight up sabotage the bet and make roman lose

**patpat:** you know he’s going to be mad at you, right?

**rat bastard:** nothing i’m not used to

**patpat:** so what’s my role in this?

**rat bastard:** if you flat out rejected me, i think i would cry, so i’ll just make it super vague and you can act like you take it in a friend way

**rat bastard:** like “oh, you’re my best friend, of course i like you!”

**patpat:** oh, i can do that!

**patpat:** that way i technically won’t be lying cause i really do like you!

  
 **rat bastard:** oh my god, what a coincidence!!!! i like you too!!!!!

**patpat:** love you!!!!

**rat bastard:** love you too!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually have stuff lined up for the next couple of days cause i have places to go and things to do. ya boi is a busy bitch. that being said, i still have to add some details and things in to make it make sense, so it won't be ready right away, so don't be mad at me if i don't actually update tomorrow. i'm bad at writing and time management. 
> 
> oopsie


	30. did you lick my petri dish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this chapter is utter nonsense 
> 
> i was watching markiplier makes while doing this so most of it probably won't make sense
> 
> also i feel like this dialogue is super stiff so sorry bout that
> 
> patpat- patton  
> rat bastard  
> roro- roman   
> virge- virgil   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus   
> gossip girl- remy

“Aw, of course I like you too! You’re my best friend!” Patton grinned. Remus shot Roman a look, silently saying ‘I told you so’ before turning back to Patton. “Was that okay?” Patton leaned in and whispered.

“Yeah,” He glanced over to where Roman was stood glaring. “I think he’s sufficiently foiled.”

Patton just laughed and took a piece of the cake.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Roman stared in disbelief at the pair from across the locker room. 

Janus was snickering next to him, despite Virgil’s best efforts to shush him. “To be fair, it was pretty vague,” Logan pointed out.

Roman grumbled but nodded. All Remus had really written was “I LIKE YOU” in large letters across the cake. It was simple enough to where Roman thought it would complicate things or misinterpret the message, but, somehow, it managed to do the latter.

“Hate to say it, but I think that was the least effective attempt you’ve ever made,” Virgil patted his back. “Good job.”

“Don’t patronize me,” Roman huffed. “Plus, how could I have known that was how he was going to take it in a friendly way?”

“Patton takes everything in a friendly way. Remember when that guy at Chick-Fil-A asked for his number and he replied with ‘Oh, no, I already have my food.’? He’s clueless when it comes to romantic advances.”

Logan snorted and Roman snapped towards him. “Did you have something to do with this?”

“I didn’t do anything!” He held up his hands in surrender. 

“Virge, c’mon,” Remy groaned. “Your friends are boring, let’s go.”

“You know you can take the bus home, right?” 

“Wait, Remy,” Roman butted in. “You know everything, right?”

“An overstatement, but yes.”

“Those two like each other, right?” Roman gestured towards Patton and Remus.

Remy glanced towards Logan who shook his head. “Sorry, babe, I don’t do relationships.”

He frowned. “Dude, that’s literally all you do.”

“Not with people I actually know, that would lead to information that I’m not interested in knowing. I learned that lesson the hard way,” He shuddered and Virgil snickered.

Roman just groaned. “You’re all useless.”

“Dude.” Janus frowned. 

He waved him off. “Yeah, I know, whatever.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**rat bastard** has created a new chat!

**rat bastard** has named the chat  **hold the roman lettuce** !

**rat bastard** has added **sure jan,** **gossip girl, patpat, virge,** and **lo** to **hold the roman lettuce**!

**rat bastard:** so pat and i are qpps right

**virge:** um

**virge:** what?

**rat bastard:** k so virgil’s the only one in here that doesn’t know?

**patpat:** wait, j doesn’t know

**sure jan:** nah, i’ve known for a while

**patpat:** wait hold on

**sure jan:** whenever i’m in the mood for a soap opera, i just read your diary

**sure jan:** it’s surprisingly dramatic

**patpat:** okay we’re going to ignore that for a sec

**patpat:** but, yes, virgil, remus and i are in a non-romantic relationship

**virge:** okay

**patpat:** are you okay?

**virge:** my brain is processing real quick

**virge:** cool

**virge:** anyways

**virge:** you were saying?

**rat bastard:** so since roman has suddenly become enamored with my love life, pat and i have decided not to tell him

**lo:** why?

**rat bastard:** i like to see him squirm

**virge:** do me a favor and don’t say squirm again

**rat bastard:** oopsie

**gossip girl:** why am i a part of this?

**rat bastard:** bc i know for a fact roman won’t stop bugging you about it and you should probably know

**gossip girl:** i wasn’t lying when i said i don’t like to look into relationships of people i know

**gossip girl:** you end up finding out things you don’t want to know

**virge:** lmao sorry

**gossip girl:** i didn’t need to know those things about you and janus

**virge:** that’s my bad dude

**gossip girl:** mhm

**rat bastard:** so tldr; don’t tell roman bc i hate him

**virge:** that’s a little harsh

**rat bastard:** exactly.

**virge:** yikes

**virge:** lots of sibling hatred today

**patpat:** aw, i don’t hate janus!

**gossip girl:** honestly yeah, i hate you

**virge:** you know i said that as a joke, but fuck you too ig

**sure jan:** wow, it’s so nice to see a healthy sibling relationship

**gossip girl:** fuck off

**virge:** go die

**sure jan:** okay yikes

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown gang**

**roro:** hey so quick question

**roro:** why is my brother in the kitchen welding a knife to a zhu zhu pet?

**lo:** why do you even bother questioning what remus does anymore?

**roro:** that’s fair

**roro:** counterpoint- what the fuck is happening

**rat bastard:** it’s for a class

**roro:** for what godforsaken class is that for???

**roro:** intro to being the most chaotic person in the world????

**rat bastard:** nah, i’m in advanced placement for that course

**roro:** _dude_

**rat bastard:** it was for environmental systems

**rat bastard:** we had to make genetic modifications to an animal so i stole patton’s zhu zhu pets from his donate pile

**patpat:** i didn’t put them in the donate pile?????

**patpat:** how did they get in there????

**sure jan:** um

**patpat:** TRAITOR

**patpat:** HOW COULD YOU?????

**sure jan:** they’ve been sitting in my closet for years and every once and a while, they’ll activate and make their little noises and i cAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE

**sure jan:** they always turn on around two in the morning and it freaks me out

**patpat:** i’m going to sell all of your textbooks

**sure jan:** yeah, try telling mom that i’m failing physics as revenge for selling zhu zhu pets

**rat bastard:** hey lo, is the petri dish labeled number three safe to eat?

**lo:** excuse me?

**rat bastard:** yeah, the one from the incubator in your basement

**rat bastard:** this is kind of a time-sensitive question

**lo:** did you eat my salmonella sample?????

**rat bastard:**

**rat bastard:** maybe

**lo:** okay, quick question

**lo:** do you have any open wounds or cold sores on your tongue or throat?

**rat bastard:** not to my knowledge

**lo:** okay

**lo:** cool cool cool cool

**lo:** so most likely, your stomach acid will kill the bacteria

**lo:** if you end up experiencing a fever, vomiting, diarrhea and abdominal cramps, go to the doctor and tell them that you ingested salmonella

**patpat:** logan’s going to snap one day and create a disease that kills us all

**lo:** oh, you have no idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told myself that i was going to make remy a one time character a couple chapters ago but here we are


	31. drunk toddlers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka a sentence that should never be said
> 
> hey there's underaged drinking in this one so watch out
> 
> sure jan- janus  
> lo- logan  
> sunglasses/virgy virge- remy  
> virgy virge- virgil   
> hot dog water- remus   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton

**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** heyyyehy thomas

**roro:** um

**roro:** hate to say this, but i’m not thomas

**virgy virge:** oh

**virgy virge:** wait this isn’t my phone

**virgy virge:** wait why do i knwo the password

**virgy virge:** ew is this virgil’s phone??/

**lo:** is this remy?

**virgy virge:** maybe

**lo:** where’s virgil?

**bad boy riri:** i found him

**lo:** where are y’all???

**virgy virge:** yknow that bitch lauren

**roro:** that is literally one of the most common names in the world

**virgy virge:** nah, the one who got arrested last year for shoplifting

**virgy virge:** she’s having a party and oh man

**sure jan:** apparently i’m the only sensible one here

**sure jan:** everyone here is shit-faced and it’s wild

**sure jan:** i think someone mixed everclear with hawaiian punch and it made my throat burn

**sure jan:** apparently no one else had the same idea

**sure jan:** everyone is unloading their emotions on me and it’s uncomfortable

**sure jan:** remy will not shut up about this kid thomas

**virgy virge:** but he’s so mcfreaking cute!!!!

**lo:** are you letting a fifteen-year-old get drunk with you?

**hot dog water:** nah, he was already here

**virgy virge:** i do what i want

**virgy virge:** also

**virgy virge** has changed their name to  **sunglasses** !

**sunglasses:** god that name was boring

**sunglasses:** you know who’s boring?

**sunglasses:** fucking virgil

**sunglasses:** did you know that purp man stil lhas a nightlight

**sunglasses:** he doesn’t trust the dark

**sunglasses:** he has all the normal emo angst aesthetic but he’s just patton if patton was more sad than he actually is

**sunglasses:** holy shit, patton is a trainwreck in birkenstocks

**sunglasses:** sometimes patton will show up to our house late at night and goes to virgil’s room to cry

**sunglasses:** i know for a fact he acts like a father-figure to fill the gaping hole in his heart and helps others to avoid fixing his own problems

**patpat:** um rude but true

**sunglasses:** speaking of suppressing emotions

**sunglasses:** man, roman is the most emotionally suppressed person in the world

**sunglasses:** i remember seeing him in the bathroom crying a couple of weeks ago and i straight up walked out and idk if he saw me or nah

**sunglasses:** he apparently writes fanfiction

**roro:** someone kick him i stg

**sunglasses:** honestly, all of this chat is emotionally unstable

**lo:** are you just telling us about everyone?

**sunglasses:** oh logannnnnnnn

**lo:** oh god

**sunglasses:** nah i won’t snitch on you

**sunglasses:** you have so much shit on me, it would be dumb for me to make you mad

**lo:** oh thank god.

**lo:** do you all have a ride home?

**hot dog water:** jan was going to get an uber but i think i lost him and virgil

**lo:** remy?

**sunglasses:** i was gonna take the bus cause i’m trash

**lo:** okay, i’m picking you all up and taking you home

**hot dog water:** aw hell yeah

**sunglasses:** wait, no, if purp and i went home like this, we would actually die

**hot dog water:** i have a big ole empty house with a royal idiot that you can come to

**roro:** um excuse you

**hot dog water:** i was actually talking about me but it works for you too

**roro:** shit

  
  


**Break**

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** so today my mom told me that 95% of all sea critters are undiscovered

**lo:** oh, i love ocean facts

**patpat:** i was intrigued, but ultimately decided to let the ocean keep it’s sea crits

**virgy virge:** holy shit that was amazing

**roro:** 10/10 would read again

**patpat:** you okay, lo?

**lo:**

**lo:** no

**lo:** never turn one of my interests into puns ever again

**patpat:** honestly, lo, i think you’re  _ overreacting _

**lo:** oh my fucking god

**patpat:** hey, logan, how do you organize a space party?

**lo:** i refuse to condone this line of jokes

**patpat:** you planet

**lo:** this is infuriating

**roro:** god, don’t be so NaClY

**lo:** i’m so fucking mad

**lo:** do you ever have a burning passion in your heart for something that you can’t explain?

**sure jan:** what do you call an acid with an attitude?

**lo:** i’m not entertaining this

**sure jan:** a-mean-oh acid

**lo:**

**lo:** that one was actually okay

**sure jan:** !!!!!!

**sure jan:** i live for validation

**virgy virge:** honestly same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm idk if i like this one, but here we go


	32. crusty ceilings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this one's weird
> 
> disclaimer- holy SHIT i made logan super ooc but whatever 
> 
> feel free to poke holes in my plot cause holy shit, it's like swiss cheese up in this bitch
> 
> hot dog water- remus  
> roro- roman  
> lo- logan  
> patpat- patton  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> sure jan- janus

**hot dog water** to  **sad clown hours**

**hot dog water:** man these ceilings are crusty

**roro:** what?

**hot dog water:** yeah, they need to clean the ceilings

**roro:** where are you right now?

**hot dog water:** context clues dumbass

**roro:** okay, but why????

**hot dog water:** oh i’m hiding

**patpat:** oh god, what did you do??

**hot dog water:** so remember that guy who like verbally abused lo a couple of weeks ago?

**lo:** yeah, it’s a little hard to forget

**hot dog water:** so i may have made him mad

**hot dog water:** and now i’m in the ceiling above the practice rooms in the band hall

**lo:** what did you do???

**hot dog water:** i stole a bunch of stuff from his athletics locker 

**hot dog water:** it was unlocked and i had no choice

**hot dog water:** and now i am in possession of all of that boy’s steroids

**roro:** i think your raccoon instincts took over for a moment

**hot dog water:** i can’t help but feel like i’m in danger

**hot dog water:** i think i should just stay in here forever

**hot dog water:** the band directors have already chased him away but he’s waiting outside

**sure jan:** wait i’ve been up there before

**sure jan:** you can go to the choir room from in there and leave through the back entrance to the student parking lot

**hot dog water:** ah that’s gas

**virgy virge:** wait why were you up there?

**sure jan:** cause i didn’t want to go to rehearsal one day so i spent two hours up in the ceiling

**virgy virge:** god, you’re such a disaster

**sure jan:** why thank you

**hot dog water:** hey, ro, bring the car to the student parking lot

**hot dog water:** i’m gonna try and make a run for it

**hot dog water:** WAIT SHIT

**patpat:** ??????

**virgy virge:** oh god oh god

**sure jan:** he fucking deaded

**hot dog water:** i don’t think i’ve ever run that fast before

**patpat:** are you okay????

**hot dog water:** yeah lol

**hot dog water:** he tried to grab me but i bit him

**sure jan:** god, you’re like an actual feral raccoon

**hot dog water:** he did rip my shirt, but it adds to the look of rat bastard

**lo:** god, you’re so reckless

**lo:** wait

**lo:** do you still have his stuff?

**hot dog water:** yeah lol

**lo:** you always wear those gloves, right?

**hot dog water:** so i don’t get my identity stolen through my fingerprints, yeah

**lo:** that’s ridiculous, but good

**lo:** and they don’t have any cameras in the locker room

**lo:** did you go through the ceiling through the locker room?

**hot dog water:** yeah?

**lo:** so theoretically

**lo:** if you were to put it back in his locker and then tell that program crime-stoppers that there was an athlete with steroids in his locker, you could potentially get money for that

**virgy virge:** okay, lo, i mean this in the best way possible

**virgy virge:** but you’re insanely sketchy

**lo:** yeah, i’ve been told it’s a problem

**roro:** remus, i was an accomplice in this crime, can i get a cut?

**hot dog water:** yeah lol

**lo:** just make sure not to get caught

**hot dog water:** how do i get back into the locker room?

**virgy virge:** honestly idk man

**hot dog water:** wait i have a twin

**virgy virge:** oh yeah, lol

**roro:** nononono

**roro:** i want no part in this, like at all

**roro:** i refuse to have anything on my school records

**hot dog water:** all i have to do is shave my mustache and dye back my streak and we look like each other again!

**roro:** nah, you walk wayyyy differently

**hot dog water:** i am absolutely not taking walking lessons from a guy who walks like a chicken

**roro:** I DO NOT WALK LIKE A CHICKEN

**hot dog water:** YES YOU FUCKING DO

**lo:** jesus, you two

**lo:** if there are two roman’s then it could possibly work

**lo:** remus already knows his way through the ceilings

**hot dog water:** yeah, but he’ll see that it’s me

**lo:** no, he’ll see that it’s  _ roman _

**lo:** but if the actual roman is in view of security cameras, he won’t be able to prove that it was roman who put the stuff in his locker

**hot dog water:** oh damn

**roro:** oh damn

**roro:** but then remus will have no mustache and grey streak in his hair

**roro:** won’t that kind of give away the whole scheme?

**lo:** 1\. cvs has hair bleach

**lo:** 2\. i have literally seen remus’ mustache in those fake mustache packets, and i know for a fact that patton has one

**patpat:** yeah, they have them at walmart

**hot dog water:** it’s the saloon style, right?

**patpat:** lmao yeah

**virgy virge:** this is like a way lamer version of mission impossible

**sure jan:** i mean i was going to say ocean’s eight, but yeah

**patpat:** don’t you mean ocean’s eleven?

**sure jan:** nah, i love rhianna

**roro:** god, what a mood

**hot dog water:** who wants to help me dye my hair back?

**patpat:** ooohhhhhh, can i dye mine with you?????

**hot dog water:** oh my god yes!!!!!!!!

**patpat:** !!!!!!!

**patpat:** wait, isn’t this kind of morally corrupt?

**sure jan:** i was literally just about to point that out

**patpat:** ayyyyyyyyy

**sure jan:** ayyyyyyy

**hot dog water:** lmao nerds

**patpat:** >:(

* * *

**roro** to  **sad clown gang**

**roro:** gay.jpg [attached is a picture of Virgil and Janus holding hands, walking down the hallway.]

**roro:** DISGUSTING

**roro:** INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT, NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN

**sure jan:** oh my god

**patpat:** INTRICATERITUALS

**virgy virge:** are you fucking kidding me

**hot dog water:** god, what’s next, pre-marital sex?

**patpat:** honestly

**patpat:** if we come to school one day and virgil’s pregnant, i’m going to be very disappointed in you

**virgy virge:** it’s honestly hilarious that you think i’m a bottom

**sure jan:** DUDE

**sure jan:** SHUT UP

**hot dog water:** LMAOOO

**hot dog water:** GET SHIT ON NERD

**patpat:** oh god i did not want to know that

**roro:** wow imagine exposing your significant other as a bottom

**lo:** _dude_

**roro:** oh yeah lol

**lo:** i would honestly love to see what goes on inside your head

**roro:** dude me too

**lo:** honestly, words can’t describe how you are

**roro:** awwww

**lo:** but numbers can

**roro:** wait what

**lo:** 3/10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so many aus in my head rn and i have the urge to write all of them
> 
> someone stop me


	33. pollination station (among other things)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at me, finishing this a couple hours earlier than i usually do. it's probably the crying and sleep deprivation, but it's also probably the crippling anxiety of wanting this to turn out good
> 
> anyways
> 
> hot dog water- remus   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> patpat- patton   
> sure jan- janus

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** i am having a very bad day

**roro:** you good?

**lo:** there’s a species of hornets that kill honeybees and it ruined my day

**lo:** they’re called murder hornets and i am so mad at them

**lo:** the bees are already suffering but now they have hornets that will rip their heads off

**sure jan:** h o n e s t l y

**sure jan:** bees are literally my aesthetic

**sure jan:** save the fucking bees

**virgy virge:** i thought snakes were your aesthetic?

**sure jan:** nah snakes are lowkey scary

**virgy virge:** dude

**virgy virge:** didn’t you want to have a pet snake a while back?

**sure jan:** that was during one of my edgy phases

**sure jan:** also pat would never let me get a pet snake

**patpat:** if you brought a snake in the house, i would immediately move out

**patpat:** i think mamá would be the same

**sure jan:** yeah lol

**sure jan:** mom would have my back though

**roro:** (i’m very uneducated in bee lore)

**roro:** how are bees important to the environment?

**lo:** so bees are pollinators, right?

**roro:** yeah

**lo:** they pollinate one third of the food we eat and eighty percent of flowering plants. pollenation is crucial  because many of our vegetables, fruits and the crops that feed our livestock rely on it to be fertilised, so without it, we could go hungry.

**roro:** oh dang

**lo:** bees are so fucking important and they are disappearing and i am pissed off

**patpat:** hey,,,,, lo,,,,,

**lo:** oh god

**patpat:** what do pollinators in texas say during the spring time?

**lo:** dude please don’t

**patpat:** beehaw

**lo:**

**lo:** this is the only pun i will ever endorse

**hot dog water:** did you know that in some cultures, bees are considered a delicacy?

**hot dog water:** like, they eat bees

**lo:** and suddenly, my day got even worse

**roro:** good job dumbass

**hot dog water:** thanks!

**hot dog water:** my job is literally to ruin people’s days

**roro:** your only job is to scoop ice cream at baskin robbins

**hot dog water:** you’ve got a point

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** i swear to god, if one more person cuts me off, i’m going to lose it

**lo:** yes, i get it, you have freedom of speech, it does protect you

**lo:** _from the government_

**lo:** it does  _ not _ protect you from me you motherfucker

**lo:** if i think you’re stupid, i’m calling you a bitch

**roro:** what’s going on?

**virgy virge:** we’re having a socratic seminar and logan looks like he’s going to lose it

**hot dog water:** yeah there’s a kid who thinks he knows it all and keeps cutting logan off in the middle of his turn

**hot dog water:** lo looks like he’s going to snap soon

**hot dog water:** it’s kinda funny 

**sure jan:** dude i’m sitting next to him and he’s literally insulting him in sign language underneath his desk

**lo:** do you ever just want to go feral?

**hot dog water:** oh you have no idea

**roro:** um

**roro:** maybe don’t?

**roro:** if you get suspended or iss, you have to take your finals at the end of the year

**lo:** that’s actually a fair point.

**patpat:** also that would be bad???

**lo:** okay, but consider this- fuck all morals

**lo:** he’s being a dick

**hot dog water:** i’ve always wanted to see lo in a fight tbh

**lo:** the closest i’ve ever gotten is chucking a textbook at someone

**sure jan:** dude that was hilarious

**hot dog water:** oh i remember that one

**hot dog water:** didn’t i take the blame for that one?

**lo:** yeah, sorry about that

**hot dog water:** no, i offered, it’s all good

**lo:** still, that was kind of a shitty move

**lo:** you already have a long list of discrepancies on your record and i added another one

**hot dog water:** nah, it’s whatever

**hot dog water:** i’m trying to break a record here

**roro:** jesus christ dude

**virgy virge:** honestly i wonder how roman and you are related

**roro:** honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if we weren’t except for the fact that we’re literally identical

**roro:** remus wasn’t born, i found him wandering outside of walmart at three in the morning on a thursday

**hot dog water:** accurate

**hot dog water:** i mean that’s where i was when i disappeared for a day back in november

**roro:** oh yeah lol

**lo:** why did you disappear?

**hot dog water:** honestly i don’t remember

**patpat:** that’s,,,,, slightly concerning

**hot dog water:** i mean i guess

**hot dog water:** i’ve done weirder shit

**roro:** it’s true, i’ve seen it all

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**lo:** okay, remus, i finished proof-reading your essay

**hot dog water:** how was it?

**lo:** you have the worst handwriting i’ve ever seen

**lo:** you actually don’t dot your i’s and cross your t’s

**lo:** it’s like looking at deranged russian cursive

**hot dog water:** okay, jeez

**hot dog water:** can i dot my i’s with hearts like a fourth grade girl?

**lo:** no

**hot dog water:** what if it’s a love confession to my crush?

**lo:** no

**hot dog water:** what if the love letter is to you?

**lo:** absolutely not.

**hot dog water:** damn it

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** someone photoshop me bald i wanna see what i look like

**hot dog water:** idk why i already have this on my laptop but here ya go 

**hot dog water:** bald.jpg 

**roro:** okay, so it’s confirmed

**roro:** never going bald

**roro:** also

**roro:** regret asking

  
**roro:** forgot about this pic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this one feels like a fever dream


	34. ferrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buzzfeed unsolved au with remus as shane and virgil as ryan bc of the beatboxing scene
> 
> virgy virge- virgil   
> patpat- patton   
> bad boy riri- remus   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus

**patpat** to **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** does anyone want to go with me to petco with me to buy a ferret?

**bad boy riri:** me!!!!!!

**roro:** can we make this a group outing?

**lo:** i hate to say it, but you have to be eighteen to buy rodents at petco and petsmart

**virgy virge:** nah, jay and i can get you a fake id

**sure jan:** just give us a couple of hours

**roro:** that’s slightly concerning

**roro:** but sure

**patpat:** as long as i get a pet ferret, i am completely on board

**bad boy riri:** ferrets are so fucking cool

**lo:** i wish i was allowed to have a pet

**patpat:** you can live vicariously through me!

**lo:**

**lo:** ᵒᵏᵃʸ

**patpat:** are you okay?

**lo:** i’m very emotionally charged right now

**roro:** god what a fucking mood

**lo:** can i come see the ferrets too?

**patpat:** yes!!!!!

**sure jan:** oh, so patton’s allowed to get a ferret, but i’m not allowed to get a snake?

**virgy virge:** no, i’m pretty sure the snake would eat pat’s ferret

**lo:** actually, a ferret is more likely to kill a snake 

**patpat:** wow

**bad boy riri:** well, yeah, the ferret defeats the bad guy in kindergarten cop so it makes sense

**virgy virge:** wow, spoilers

**bad boy riri:** dude, that movie came out in 1990, if you haven’t seen it yet, that one’s on you

**virgy virge:** that’s fair

**virgy virge:** what are you naming your ferret?

**virgy virge:** remy says to name it remy

**virgy virge:** but don’t do it

**patpat:** yeah, i don’t think i’ll do that

**patpat:** i honestly don’t know

**bad boy riri:** it depends if it’s a nice ferret or a mischievous ferret

**roro:** what??

**bad boy riri:** yeah, names really should depend on the personality

**bad boy riri:** like i know some kids named miracle or treasure but they need jesus

**bad boy riri:** what i’m saying is that you should name your ferret zesty

**virgy virge:** honestly, pat, i’ll give you twenty bucks if you name it cowboy

**patpat:** it’s too late, if it’s a boy, it’s going to be named walter, if it’s a girl, it’s going to be named louise

**sure jan:** oh that’s actually rad

**patpat:** i looked up human names for pets bc that’s my aesthetic

**patpat:** dogs and cats named like george or louise fucking kill me

**roro:** god, big orange cats named fred are amazing

**bad boy riri:** finally, something we can actually agree with

**lo:** you all are children

**roro:** nah, we’re deranged teenagers

**bad boy riri:** dude that’s like my whole aesthetic

**bad boy riri:** like i just want to give off vibes of stinky raccoon bastard

**virgy virge:** honestly, i think you’ve succeeded

**bad boy riri:** thank god

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** okay, as a “nerd”, even i can say that elon musk’s name for his child is absolutely ridiculous

**lo:** X Æ A-12 is the dumbest name i’ve ever seen

**bad boy riri:** imagine naming your child after an unknown variable

**lo:** could  _ never  _ be me

**patpat:** honestly, all celebrity children names are absolute bogus

**patpat:** like moon unit? Dweezil?

**virgy virge:** dude don’t forget apple martin

**roro:** someone ban celebrities from having children

**sure jan:** can you imagine having to call out role to a bunch of celebrity children?

**sure jan:** honestly, i think i’d quit my job

**bad boy riri:** oh, speaking of which, i’m quitting my job

**virgy virge:** why?

**bad boy riri:** apparently i “need to stop scaring customers away” and “need to stop getting mustache hairs in the ice cream”

**bad boy riri:** they gave me a chance to clean up my act but i said “fuck you” and dipped

**lo:** that’s disgusting

**patpat:** what if instead of saying you’re fired, the manager at baskin robbin’s said “you’ve been scooped”

**bad boy riri:** dude i wish they were that cool

**bad boy riri:** all they did was complain about their jobs

**bad boy riri:** they did let me play abba over the speakers, though

**roro:** wait couldn’t someone clone you from your mustache hair?

**lo:** not from the hair shaft, because that's made up of dead cells. when a cell dies, its DNA quickly breaks into pieces. that's why DNA from hair may be in good enough shape to identify a person (for example at a crime scene), but you can't clone with it.

**patpat:** welcome back to logan sounding like a psychopath

**lo:** don’t be ridiculous

**lo:** i would be more of a sociopath if anything

**patpat:** oh good

**sure jan:** can you imagine if everyone was named after an equation?

**sure jan:** like, hey y=mx+b, how you doin today?

**bad boy riri:** dude that would be hilarious

**bad boy riri:** most of our names are boring

**patpat:** dude, a third of our group is named after ancient roman figures

**bad boy riri:** oh yeah lol

**virgy virge:** dude all i am is a crusty old poet that people complain about

**virgy virge:** literally all of my friends in latin complain about having to translate vergil’s poems and glare at me like i had something to do with it

**bad boy riri:** bitch what friends

**virgy virge:** jesus okay

**sure jan:** lmao nerd

**roro:** honestly everyone’s name has cool meanings behind them

**roro:** mine means “citizen of rome” and it’s bullshit

**bad boy riri:** it’s okay, you could match me and be named romulus

**roro:** never mind, there’s a worse version

**virgy virge:** i'll give you twenty bucks if you legally change your name to romulus

**lo:** why do you keep betting twenty dollars on everything?

**virgy virge:** cause jay’s gonna come hunting me down for it soon

**sure jan:** what?

**virgy virge:** check your wallet

**sure jan:** okay????

**sure jan:** wait

**sure jan:** YOU BITCH

**lo:** why would you steal twenty dollars from him?

**virgy virge:** idk man, just wanted to see if i could

**lo:** that might be the worst reasoning for anything ever

**patpat:** remus and roman had that reasoning when they got their noses pierced

**bad boy riri:** still one of the best things i’ve ever done

**roro:** yeah, i don’t regret it

**virgy virge:** only true chaotic bisexuals have their noses pierced

**roro:** i mean i guess

**roro:** i just like the aesthetic of depressed thot

**bad boy riri:** don’t steal my look

  
**roro:** too bad bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need to follow my own advice and get more that four hours of sleep 
> 
> lowkey i feel incoherent rn
> 
> also ao3 is being lowkey glitchy for me, so sorry for any mistakes y'all


	35. george costanza in his underwear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i went to costco today. first time i've been out in at least a month. it wasn't as great as i thought it would be.
> 
> also i love coming up with titles for chapters, it's so much fun. yes it's a seinfeld reference bc apparently i'm fifty years old.
> 
> pocket protector- logan  
> raccoon- remus  
> wroammin- roman  
> pop star- patton  
> angstangstangst- virgil  
> snakey mcsnakerson- janus
> 
> i decided to change the names but i regret it deeply

**angstangstangst** to **sad clown gang**

**angstangstangst:** so remy got a tiktok

**pocket protector:** oh no

**angstangstangst:** and he’s doing one of those trends where he slowly replaces each photo in our house with a different picture

**wroammin:** what picture?

**angstangstangst:** this guy george costanza posed in his underwear

**angstangstangst:** i asked him about it, but apparently it’s called the art of seduction and it’s so weird looking

**angstangstangst:** he stares into my soul, judging me as i go downstairs to get cheezits at two in the morning

**wroammin:** oh i looked it up and what the fuck

**angstangstangst:** yeah, he replaced my framed mcr poster above my turntable and now he watches me as i sleep

**angstangstangst:** it’s like a guardian angel but so much worse

**wroammin:** rip dude

**wroammin:** honestly i’m glad remus doesn’t have the attention span to do one of those things

**raccoon:** i might just put stickers over our parents faces in the pictures in our house

**wroammin:** what kind of stickers?

**raccoon:** peppa pig

**wroammin:**

**wroammin:** you may proceed

**raccoon:** good, cause i was already doing it

**raccoon:** i have way too much time on my hands

**raccoon:** i need a hobby

**angstangstangst:** a grinder is what you need

**wroammin:** remus does NOT need drugs or any psychedelics to enhance his personality

**raccoon:** he’s got a point

**raccoon:** don’t do drugs kids

**raccoon:** or do, i don’t really have any control over it

**snakey mcsnakerson:** okay who the fuck changed my name to this

**pop star:** i just thought it was funny!

**snakey mcsnakerson:**

**snakey mcsnakerson:** okay it is actually kind of funny but cmon

**raccoon:** does anyone have any hobbies that i should try?

**wroammin:** preferably legal hobbies

**angstangstangst:** oh, then i’ve got nothing for you

**wroammin:** _virgil_

**angstangstangst:** what?

**angstangstangst:** you really shouldn’t expect more from me

**angstangstangst:** you’ll only be disappointed

**pop star:** oh my fucking god i swear i’m going to lose it

**pop star:** you are a GEM and i love you

**angstangstangst:** seems fake but okay

**pop star:** >:(

* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**raccoon:** literally all i remember from mighty med is that the first episode had a guy who was stabbed with a stop sign and bled bright blue goo and there was a straight up hole all the way through his chest, and that one kid who looked like josh peck and loved sweater vests

**pocket protector:** why?

**raccoon:** well i haven’t watched it in years, so

**pocket protector:** no, i mean why are you saying this?

**raccoon:** i just can’t stop thinking about it

**angstangstangst:** dude just go to sleep

**raccoon:** it’s only midnight, i’m fine

**angstangstangst:** what time do you usually go to bed?

**raccoon:** idk, like two in the morning?

**snakey mcsnakerson:** dude that’s not healthy

**raccoon:** well, yeah, but i need to watch criminal minds and gilmore girls

**pocket protector:** that’s the strangest combination in the world

**raccoon:** yeah, my netflix recommended is fucked up

**raccoon:** but you should see my youtube recommended

**snakey mcsnakerson:** i literally cannot explain how little i want to see it

**raccoon:** your loss ig

**raccoon:** it’s all either minecraft gameplay or makeup tutorials

  
 **pocket protector:** i changed my mind, that’s the strangest combination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good news- i slept for eleven hours last night  
> bad news- this chapter is rushed bc of it


	36. dehydrated and sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm straight up having a good time here
> 
> also i went back to the old names because i CAN'T
> 
> virgy virge- virgil   
> patpat- patton   
> lo- logan   
> raccoon- remus   
> sure jan- janus   
> roro- roman

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** welcome back to logan is a fucking dumbass

**patpat:** out of everyone here, you’re probably the least likely to be a dumbass

**lo:** nah, i just fucked up real bad

**patpat:** what did you do?

**lo:** so i didn’t realize that i had run out of my medication and i have to call my doctor a couple of days before i run out, and now, i’m going to go through withdraw and i hate everything

**virgy virge:** god what a mood

**lo:** i’m going to be very upset the next couple of days, so be warned

**raccoon:** to be fair, roman’s always emotionally unstable

**roro:** jesus guys

**roro:** like, i know, but jeez

**sure jan:** we’re all emotionally unstable bitches

**virgy virge:** hell yeah we are

**lo:** what a wonderful group we have here

**patpat:** i think everyone in the world is just a little bit messed up in the head

**patpat:** some more so than others

**roro:** he’s talking about you, remus

**raccoon:** BITCH

**lo:** gen z is nothing but stressed, depressed, and never ready to impress

**roro:** i’m always ready to impress

**roro:** i dress to depress

**virgy virge:** ????

**roro:** i want to look so good that it makes others want to kill themselves

**raccoon:** lmao you wish

**roro:** BITCH

**raccoon:** why does every conversation end like this?

**lo:** like what?

**raccoon:** roman and i always end up playfully fighting and it ends with either “who knows, dude” or “that’s fair” or logan has some one-liner to wrap everything up in an awkward way

**roro:** like everything else, tis only a mystery

**lo:** why are we getting so deep and upsetting today?

**raccoon:** that’s just my personality

**roro:** you haven’t had any major rampages or incidences lately, though

**roro:** wait, no

**raccoon:** hmmm

**raccoon:** guess i’ll have to fix that

**roro:** please don’t

**raccoon:** don’t worry, you won’t know until it happens

**roro:** that’s somehow worse

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** i lost my hydroflask and now i’m dehydrated and sad

**roro:** the one with all the stickers?

**virgy virge:** yes.

**roro:** aw man

**roro:** sorry dude

**virgy virge:** it’s fine

**virgy virge:** i’m just pissed off bc i have to spend fifty dollars for the straw lid and the bottle

**virgy virge:** plus, the color was discontinued and i can’t get it anymore

**virgy virge:** i don’t want a bright fucking blue color, i want navy 

**virgy virge:** and i have to buy new stickers and i hate everything

**raccoon:** logan really hates everything right now

**virgy virge:** you have no idea

**virgy virge:** i’m  _ this  _ close to snapping

**raccoon:** do it, i want to see you destroy the world

**roro:** don’t?????? encourage him????

**raccoon:** why????? not??????

**roro:** _because he’ll actually do it!_

**virgy virge:** hell yeah i will

**virgy virge:** listen, man, i haven’t slept in a while and i’m in a goddamn mood

**virgy virge:** like i’m so fucking close to failing pre-cal rn

**roro:** why?

**virgy virge:** cause i fucking refuse to do homework

**roro:**

**roro:** virgil that’s like forty percent of the overall grade

**virgy virge:** i’m aware

**virgy virge:** but as soon as i get home, i take a nap and refuse to do any school work

o **lo:** if you need help with anything, i can be of assistance to you

**virgy virge:** no, i know the stuff, i just don’t want to do it

**virgy virge:** plus, every time i sit down and try to do it, remy comes in my room and rants to me about this bitch in his criminology class

**raccoon:** just????? tell him to shut the fuck up????

**virgy virge:** nah, he’ll just run and tell my mom and dad

**roro:** that fuckin snitch

**raccoon:** you say that like you didn’t tattle on me when we were kids

**roro:** okay, but you deserved it most of the time

**raccoon:** well, yeah, but it’s the concept of it

**virgy virge:** honestly, i think all younger siblings should just lose all rights

**roro:** fucking retweet

**raccoon:** >:(

**patpat:** :(

**virgy virge:** nah, pat, you’re fine, you’ve done nothing wrong

**sure jan:** THAT’S A FUCKING LIE

**sure jan:** YOU’RE A MENACE TO ME

**patpat:** whoops

**lo:** again, i must state, i’m really glad i don’t have siblings

**virgy virge:** you should be, they suck

**lo:** yes, so i’ve heard

**lo:** it’s very interesting; you talk to me about your sibling issues and remy talks to me about his sibling issues

**lo:** i get to hear both sides of the story and it’s kind of hilarious

**virgy virge:** sorry about that

**lo:** no, it’s like my own personal soap opera

**virgy virge:** ah that’s rad

**roro:** _rad_

**virgy virge:** dude shut up i stg

  
**roro:** oopsie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm running out of ideas lol


	37. >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's police sirens that keep passing by and it's very distracting 
> 
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> sure jan- janus   
> raccoon- remus

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** i’ve started a quotes page exclusively for remus and holy shit, there’s already like ten

**raccoon:** wait, really?

**roro:** yeah, it’s pretty weird

**raccoon:** do they have context????

**roro:** no lol

**raccoon:** oh god

**raccoon:** i’ve said some pretty stupid shit

**patpat:** wait, what are some of them?

**roro:** “roman is a trainwreck in birkenstocks”

**virgy virge:** oh my GOD

**raccoon:** tell me i’m wrong

**roro:** “george bush intercontinental university”

**lo:** i cannot describe how much i hate that

**roro:** “virgil’s voice is like asmr but it gives you anxiety”

**sure jan:** holy FUCK I LOVE THAT AND I’M STEALING IT

**virgy virge:** i mean he’s not wrong

**roro:** “hey, roman, how’s that big time rush reader-insert fanfiction going?”

**raccoon:** to be fair, you never answered my question

**roro:** and, the last one i can share without shading people, “shove a car battery up your ass”

**virgy virge:** i literally cannot find anything on shoving a car battery up your ass on google

**virgy virge:** like, obviously it wouldn’t fit, but i don’t think it would actually do anything

**virgy virge:** it’s encased in plastic, i think

**virgy virge:** lo, you’re like our own research department, what have you to say?

**roro:** jesus christ, “what have you to say”, what is this, the fucking seventeen hundreds?

**virgy virge:** dude i wish, that way i could lynch your ass

**roro:** rude

**lo:** any contact with skin can cause redness, pain, blisters, and serious burns, so maybe don’t shove a car battery up your ass????

**raccoon:** aw man

**lo:** also, virgil was right, there’s no way that would fit

**raccoon:** you wanna bet?

**lo:** that’s going to be a hard pass from me

**lo:** again, that would cause bodily harm to you

**raccoon:** :(

**roro:** finally, someone who can talk sense into him

**raccoon:** logan is the common sense that stops me from dying

**lo:** it’s a very stressful job

**roro:** honestly, just being in remus’ life is a stressful thing

**virgy virge:** i’m just stressed all the time, so i haven’t noticed

**raccoon:** that just means i’m going to target you

**virgy virge:** wait, no, please don’t

**raccoon:** too late, bitch

**sure jan:** rip virgil, gone but never forgotten

**virgy virge:** shut up, loser

**sure jan:** dude

**virgy virge:** sorry, it’s just been a long day

**sure jan:** it’s fine, i’ve just had it up to here with stupid people today

**virgy virge:** dude, same

**virgy virge:** what happened?

**sure jan:** there was a new kid in ap chemistry and she was apparently offended by the mere appearance of my face

**sure jan:** she was like “your face shouldn’t look like that” and it’s like, i know, i didn’t get trapped in my house when it was on fire on purpose, you fucking dumbass

**sure jan:** but, of course, she decided it would be a good idea to tell me that i should just cover it up as to not disturb her

**sure jan:** and i kindly told her to fuck off

**patpat:** >:(

**sure jan:** nah, don’t worry, it’s fine

**patpat:** how the hell is that fine?????

**sure jan:** i have to deal with this at the beginning of every year/semester; i’m kind of immune to it by now

**patpat:** >:((((((

**patpat:** i’m very upset

**sure jan:** at least i’m not remus with his fucked up thumbs

**raccoon:** don’t diss my thumbs, asshole

**sure jan:** sorry, they’re just strange to look at

**raccoon:** thank you!!!!

**raccoon:** that’s my desired aesthetic!!!!!!!

**sure jan:** um

**sure jan:** can’t say you’ve reached that

**raccoon:** sorry, w h a t

**sure jan:** yeah, it’s more just like if a raccoon was turned into an angsty teenager

**raccoon:** okay, that’s good

**roro:** i’ve tried to get him to change styles for at least a year now

**raccoon:** i like my clothes, why would i change them???

**roro:** _because you look like a trash man_

**raccoon:** gasp!

**raccoon:** thank you!

**roro:** ugh i hate you

**raccoon:** oh, you love me

  
**roro:** unfortunately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally have established a healthy sleep schedule
> 
> are you proud of me yet?


	38. the cheapest cvs has to offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SÖCK
> 
> patpat- patton  
> lo- logan  
> raccoon- remus  
> sure jan- janus  
> roro- roman  
> virgy virge- virgil

**sure jan** to **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**sure jan:** virge, you left your jacket in my room

**virgy virge:** damn it

**virgy virge:** i was looking for that

**sure jan:** yeah, i don’t know how you forgot that one, it’s literally pouring outside

**lo:** i would say figuratively, but go on

**sure jan:** logan i stg

**raccoon:** ooooooooohh

**raccoon:** what were you two doing in there??

**sure jan:** um

**sure jan:** probably not what you were thinking????

**raccoon:** darn

**virgy virge:** why are you invested?

**raccoon:** i dunno

**raccoon:** i’m kinda bored

**raccoon:** roman’s boring and i already did my homework

**virgy virge:** how is roman boring????

**virgy virge:** he has a never ending assembly line of issues

**raccoon:** yeah, but he’s hanging out with patton

**raccoon:** apparently they’re dying their hair

**sure jan:** oh, i want to see how that’s going

**raccoon:** yeah, i told him not to

**virgy virge:** man i miss my purple hair

**raccoon:** what if we all just dyed our hair lol

**sure jan:** wig?

**raccoon:** i mean we could?????

**lo:** y’all are not good at this whole “being normal people” thing

**virgy virge:** your point?

**lo:**

**lo:** you may proceed

**sure jan:** wait, ree, you already have your hair color altered

**raccoon:** it’s just a stripe

**raccoon:** i kinda just want to dye the streak

**sure jan:** might fuck around and dye my hair yellow

**virgy virge:** okay, now that’s chaotic

**sure jan:** let me live my life

**virgy virge:** can we all dye our hair together?

**raccoon:** again, roman’s out of the house, so we can do it here

**virgy virge:** hell yeah

**sure jan:** i’m up for it

**raccoon:** heyyyyyy logan

**lo:** what?

**raccoon:** you know, we’re going to need supervision from someone responsible

**raccoon:** plus, we could watch that nerdy show of yours

**lo:**

**lo:** which one?

**raccoon:** the mandalorian

**lo:** fine.

**virgy virge:** we could even dye your hair if you want???

**lo:** if you find a good dark blue, then sure

**sure jan:** i’ll bring over tex mex bc i have a craving rn

**virgy virge:** why are you such a genius??????

**sure jan:** my knowledge is both a gift and a curse

**virgy virge:** hm

**lo:** what brand of dye are we using?

**sure jan:** oh, the cheapest cvs offers

**raccoon:** that’s what they call me on the streets

**sure jan:** the cheapest cvs has to offer?

**raccoon:** ;)

**lo:** isn’t buying that kind of risky?

**sure jan:** nah, it’s part of the authentic at-home experience

**sure jan:** it’s more fun this way

**lo:** huh

**raccoon:** virgypoo, you’re doing the same basic purple, right?

**virgy virge:** oh my god, i hate that name

**raccoon:** oopsie

**virgy virge:** but yes, the more warm-toned one

**raccoon:** lmao nerd

**virgy virge:** shut up, you’re probably just going to do sewage green

**raccoon:** ooh, good idea!

**sure jan:** why would you give him that idea?????

**virgy virge:** you think i know why i do anything??????

**virgy virge:** i’m just some dumbass who somehow stumbled his way through life without somehow ending up dead in a dumpster

**sure jan:** you’ve got a point

**raccoon:** god, what a mood

**lo:** so, who’s buying all of the hair dye?

**raccoon:** it was my idea and i’ve got money to burn through, so i’ll do it

**sure jan:** god bless

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Olivia Rose Bishop, what on earth is going on with your hair?” 

Logan sighed as he climbed the stairs. “Hi, Mom.”

“No, come downstairs right now, young lady, I think we need to have a talk,” His mom glared at him.

“And talk about what, exactly?” He spun around. “What are you going to do, shave my head? Make me dye it back? Newsflash, Mom, blue is one of the hardest colors to get out of your hair.”

“Don’t you _dare_ use that tone against me again,” She hissed. “It’s bad enough that you cut your hair like _that_ without our permission, but now you just look ridiculous!”

He rolled his eyes. “Thanks for that.”

“Henry, tell her!” His mom turned to his dad.

He glanced up briefly from his iPad before looking back down. “I think it looks nice."

She gasped. “Henry!” His dad remained unmoving, but Logan could see a smirk starting to spread.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** virge, what color was your old hydro flask?

**virgy virge:** blueish green

**patpat:** did you have an untitled goose game sticker on it?

**virgy virge:** yeah

**patpat:** i think i found it

**virgy virge:** wait really????

**patpat:** yeah, it was in the uniform room

**virgy virge:** why was it in there?

**patpat:** i dunno, i just found it

**virgy virge:** i bet it was remus

**raccoon:** i was summoned

**virgy virge:** did you move my hydro flask into the uniform room?

**raccoon:** that does sound like something i would do

**raccoon:** but i don’t think so

**virgy virge:** then it was probably roman

**roro:** nah, i know better than to steal virgil’s stuff

**patpat:** wait, it was logan

**virgy virge:** yeah, right

**virgy virge:** logan doesn’t steal my stuff

**lo:** no, i did

**virgy virge:** why?????

**lo:** i needed it for a presentation on planet conservation

**lo:** i literally asked you and you said sure

**virgy virge:** oh yeah

**virgy virge:** how did i forget that??????

**lo:** when was the last time you slept?

**virgy virge:** i slept last night

**lo:** for how long?

**virgy virge:** like two hours or so

**lo:** of course

**lo:** everyone here has a bad grasp on how to properly sleep

**virgy virge:** oh, says you

**virgy virge:** besides, patton actually gets the proper amount of sleep

**patpat:** i practice self-care more than anyone here

**lo:** i will give you that

**virgy virge:** who would be the worst?

**lo:** i’d give that title to roman

**roro:** ?????

**lo:** you literally work yourself to the point of exhaustion and as a result, you break down in my room while watching arrested development

**roro:** to be fair, that was only three times and they were all during finals week

**virgy virge:** you know he’s got a point

**lo:** just please,,, take care of yourself for once

**roro:** nah, i’m good

**lo:** god, you’re so frustrating

  
 **roro:** yeah i know lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please send in suggestions bc i'm running out of ideas


	39. it's logan, by the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man it's pouring outside rn
> 
> patpat- patton  
> roro- roman  
> sure jan- janus  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> lo- logan

**Private Message**

**lo** to  **sure jan**

**lo:** janus, i have a question for you

**sure jan:** uh

**sure jan:** okay?

**lo:** how did you come out to your parents?

**sure jan:** um

**sure jan:** why are you asking me?

**lo:** remus hasn’t come out, virgil and roman had accidentally come out, and patton would try and talk me out of what i’m about to do

**sure jan:** what are you about to do??????

**lo:** just answer the question

**lo:** please

**sure jan:** okay

**sure jan:** i basically sat my parents down and told my moms, like, hey, i’m gay

**sure jan:** keep in mind, it was super safe for me cause my moms are lesbians

**sure jan:** if you do plan on coming out to your parents (which is what i think you’re going to do), i can be on stand-by to pick you up if it gets sticky

**lo:** if it’s not a problem, then yes, i would like that

**lo:** can you do me a favor and not tell the others?

**sure jan:** wait, why?

**lo:** i don’t want them to try and stop me

**sure jan:** why are you doing it rn?

**lo:** i’m going to have to do it eventually, and, honestly, i can’t take the constant misgendering

**sure jan:** are you absolutely certain that you want to do it right now?

**lo:** yes.

**sure jan:** when are you doing this?

**lo:** um

**lo:** in about twenty minutes??

**sure jan:** oh god

**sure jan:** i’m gonna park a block away and you can tell me if you need me

**lo:** got it

**sure jan:** alright, i’m gonna go ahead and drive over

**lo:** hey, janus?

**sure jan:** yo

**lo:** thank you

**sure jan:** oh, dude, it’s no problem

* * *

Logan bit his lip before sighing. “Mom, Dad? I need to tell you something.” 

His mom gave him a sympathetic look. “Oh, honey, did Roman break up with you?”

“Wait, what?” He reeled back. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, last time you needed to tell us something, it was about your relationship,” She shrugged.

“Well, no, it’s not about that,” He took a deep breath. “I’m not a girl.”

“What?” His mom frowned and his dad raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I’m transgender. I’m a boy.”

His mom was silent for a moment before she grabbed her purse and got up, slamming the front door on the way out. 

“So,” His dad cleared his throat awkwardly. “You’re a guy, huh?”

“Yep,” Logan nodded.

“So, uh, what’s your name?”

Logan’s head shot up. “You’re fine with this?”

He snorted. “Believe it or not, I’m not like your mother. I’m not a complete asshole.”

Logan hummed in agreement. “It’s Logan, by the way.”

“You know, it’s kind of funny in a way,” His dad laughed. “When your mom was pregnant, I was convinced that we were having a boy.”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, we didn’t do the ultrasound to see your gender because I was so sure.”

“Well, I guess you were right.” There was a pause before Logan spoke again. “Thank you for being so accepting about this.”

“Oh, it’s no problem,” He gave him a small smile. “Your mom might need a little more time.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Logan sighed.

“So, can I start doing stereotypical dad things now?”

He frowned. “What?”

“You know, like playing catch, taking you to the barber’s shop, all of that,” His dad laughed at the face Logan pulled.

“I think I’m good.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** jay, you can go back home, i’m good

**sure jan:** uh,,,,, buddy,,, this isn’t a private message

**lo:** oh fuck

**roro:** what’s going on?

**lo:** nothing

**sure jan:** nothing

**roro:** ??????

**patpat:** yeah, janus took the car and wouldn’t tell us where he was going

**patpat:** what were you two doing????

**sure jan:** uh

**sure jan:** logan, i think you’re going to have to answer this one

**lo:** ugh, fine

**lo:** i just came out to my parents

**virgy virge:** um???????

**roro:** why would you do that???????

**lo:** because i needed to do it eventually

**lo:** so i did it today

**roro:** are you okay?

**lo:** yeah, i think so

**patpat:** how did they take it?

**lo:** my mom just kinda stormed out

**lo:** my dad’s fine with it, though

**virgy virge:** oh thank god

**lo:** it’s been like half an hour and she’s still not back

**raccoon:** what if she died?

**roro:** _dude_

**virgy virge:** why would you say that??????

**lo:** no, it’s fine

**lo:** my dad and i had a bonding moment over my mom being an asshole

**patpat:** but they’re married????

**lo:** honestly, their marriage has been falling apart for years now

**lo:** this honestly might be the breaking point between them

**roro:** oh damn

**lo:** they’ve been talking about divorce for a while, but they didn’t want to hurt me or something like that

**roro:** dude, i’m sorry

**lo:** no, it’s okay

**lo:** again, she’s an asshole, don’t apologize

**roro:** okie

**roro:** do you want to come over?

**lo:** can we watch doctor who?

  
**roro:** oh hell yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear y'all's comments add ten years onto my lifespan


	40. eat your mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a spider crawling down my shirt while writing this and i freaked out
> 
> patpat- patton  
> lo- logan  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> raccoon- remus  
> roro- roman  
> sure jan- janus

**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** jay, i’ve got some bad news

**sure jan:** oh god

**patpat:** louise ate through your virgil shirt

**sure jan:** WHAT

**sure jan:** that’s it, we’re getting rid of the ferret

**patpat:** NO D:

**virgy virge:** the virgil shirt????

**sure jan:** uh

**patpat:** a while back, you left your shirt over here and sometimes, janus will wear it when he’s upset or his scars hurt

**patpat:** he likes it cause you’re much taller than him and the shirt swallows him whole

**sure jan:** WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT

**patpat:** I DON’T KNOW??????

**virgy virge:** oh

**sure jan:** oh god oh god oh god

**virgy virge:** wait no i’m not mad

**sure jan:** you don’t think it’s creepy?

**virgy virge:** no, uh, it’s actually kind of

**virgy virge:** i don’t want to be stereotypical, but it’s kinda sweet

**sure jan:** oh

**virgy virge:** i can give you another one if you want

**sure jan:** i think i’d like that, actually

**virgy virge:** cool

**sure jan:** pat, you did good

**patpat:** :D

**raccoon:** wow, nerds

**patpat:** i’m just worried about louise, she keeps biting things

**lo:** what age is your ferret?

**patpat:** a couple of months old

**lo:** is she nipping or biting?

**patpat:** nipping?

**lo:** most likely, she’s just trying to get your attention because she wants to play

**lo:** if she’s biting, then she might be feeling bad and you should probably get her checked out

**patpat:** thanks lo!!!!

**lo:** no problem

**raccoon:** can i come play with her uwu

**patpat:** yes!!!!!!!

**raccoon:** !!!!!!!

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**virgy virge:** dude, cat logic is so simple but effective

**virgy virge:** it’s just don’t like it?

**virgy virge:** smack it away as far as possible from you

**virgy virge:** fucking flawless

**raccoon:** i wish that was socially acceptable for humans cause i just want to smack roman

**sure jan:** god, what a mood

**raccoon:** i feel like everyone wants to smack their sibling in some way

**lo:** ?????

**raccoon:** next time i see roman, i’m just going to hit him

**lo:** _????????_

**raccoon:** you wouldn’t understand, you’re an only child

**sure jan:** wait, lo, don’t you have an older sister?

**lo:** yes, but she’s twenty-six and is a meth addict

**lo:** we don’t talk about her often

**raccoon:** wait really?

**lo:** yeah, needless to say, she’s been shunned from the family

**sure jan:** oh damn

**raccoon:** yo she sounds pretty cool

**lo:** no, she was also an asshole the last time i saw her

**virgy virge:** wait, how is there such an age gap?

**lo:** she wasn’t meant to happen

**lo:** my parents had her when they were in their late twenties and regretted it immensely

**sure jan:** bro just eat your parents

**lo:**

**lo:** that’s going to be a hard pass from me

**virgy virge:** how did she end up like that?

**lo:** every child of a strict parent either ends up hating their parents, having extreme self-esteem issues, or some combination of both

**raccoon:** god, what a fucking mood

**sure jan:** again, i must reiterate,  _ eat your parents _

**lo:** my dad’s fine, it’s just my mom

**sure jan:** eat your mom

**raccoon:** eat your mom

**virgy virge:** eat your mom

**lo:** uh

  
**lo:** okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't left my house for a while and i'm loving it


	41. gasp!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, it's been a hot minute since i've posted. i was working on a chapter then i reread it and it fucking sucked so i deleted it. this is the product of me avoiding my school shit.
> 
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** i am s t r e s s e d

**patpat:** awwww, what’s wrong?

**lo:** my mom started talking to me again

**lo:** she’s being even more strict with my grades as revenge tactic or something and it pisses me off

**lo:** might fuck around and take remus’s advice

**raccoon:** oh god,  _ never  _ take my advice

**raccoon:** well, actually, it depends on what i said

**roro:** no, just don’t follow his advice

**roro:** it got me into some sticky shit as a kid

**raccoon:** bitch you can’t blame that on me

**roro:** oh i absolutely can

**roro:** you drove my bike into the creek by our house 

**roro:** i’m still pissed off at you for that

**raccoon:** k but in my defense,,,

**raccoon:** i thought it was patton’s bike

**patpat:** HEY

**raccoon:** oopsie

**roro:** how on earth would that make it better?????

**raccoon:** i dunno, just wanted to add extra drama

**virgy virge:** and that was how you chose to approach it????

**raccoon:** bro, i literally have no common sense, you know this

**raccoon:** i’m legally dumbass

**virgy virge:** unfortunately i do

**roro:** “legally dumbass” that’s like knock-off legally blonde

**sure jan:** are we just going to ignore how logan’s dying????

**lo:** apparently

**virgy virge:** it’s so strange, his grades are so fucking high, it’s like remus on the weekends

**raccoon:** hell yeah

**patpat:** don’t do drugs, kids

**patpat:** actually, i can’t tell you what to do, so do what you want ig

**lo:** i’m just so sick of my mom

**roro:** just eat her

**raccoon:** that’s what i said!

**roro:** ugh nevermind

**raccoon:** :(

**roro:** shut up, loser

**raccoon:** >:(

**roro:** dramatic bitch

**raccoon:** oh, that’s rich coming from you

**roro:** gasp!

**roro:** how dare

**raccoon:** oh, i dare

**roro:** >:(

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **was nick gay for gatsby**

**raccoon:** hmmmmmmm borbs

**lo:** ????

**virgy virge:** i think the rat means birds

**lo:** ah

**raccoon:** i did

**raccoon:** i just love birds

**lo:** any particular kinds?

**raccoon:** terns, seagulls, any kind of birds i can chase on the beach

**lo:** huh

**raccoon:** i just think that birds are funky little creatures

**sure jan:** man, pat and i were in a walmart parking lot and there was a bird with a broken leg and we both sat in my car crying bc a woman talked about running it over to put it out of its misery and holy shit, i was a wreck

**virgy virge:** dude, don’t do this to me today, i don’t want to cry

**lo:** i just think that we don’t deserve animals

**lo:** we’re all just assholes and they deserve the world

**virgy virge:** fucking preach

**raccoon:** idk why animal abuse is a thing

**raccoon:** like i’m messed up but even i’m not going to do that cause it’s fucked up

**sure jan:** honestly, pat’s only had his ferret for a few days but i would die for her

**raccoon:** louise is a QUEEN and i love her

**lo:** virge, you have a dog, right?

**raccoon:** virgil has a dog????

**raccoon:** not a cat???

**virgy virge:** yeah lol

**virgy virge:** it’s not like i had a choice when we got him, i was eight

**virgy virge:** plus he doesn’t get along with cats and i don’t want him to feel uncomfortable cause i love him

**sure jan:** softie

**virgy virge:** says the guy who was crying over a bird

**sure jan:** bro, you would’ve too if you were there

**virgy virge:** oh, i have no doubts

**virgy virge:** it’s so easy to make me cry

**raccoon:** yeah, i know lol

**virgy virge:** yeah, being your friend is not fun sometimes

**raccoon:** i’ve been told this many times

**lo:** most of those times have been from me

**raccoon:** it’s a combo of you and virgypoo

**virgy virge:** i refuse to be called that

**raccoon:** okay, virgypoo!!!!

**virgy virge:** blocked

**raccoon:** wait unblock me, i need to tell you something

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** unblocked

**raccoon:** bitch

**virgy virge:** god i fucking hate you

**raccoon:** get fucked loser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please send in suggestions (not virge angst, i've been working on it i promise)
> 
> i've rewatched all of the fnaf game theory episodes so many times so also suggest thing to watch pls


	42. worst siblings on earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is kind of short. also, this kind of goes nowhere and it sucks, so sorry lmao
> 
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> sure jan- janus   
> raccoon- remus

**Private Message**

**lo** to  **virgy virge**

**lo:** would you be okay with me coming to stay with you for a couple of days?

**virgy virge:** oh, of course, dude

**virgy virge:** why?

**lo:** parents are fighting again, and i’m not in the mood for it rn

**virgy virge:** why wouldn’t you ask roman?

**lo:** no offense to remus, but i’d rather die than share a living space with him

**virgy virge:** honestly a valid point

**virgy virge:** hey, logan?

**lo:** yeah?

**virgy virge:** are you okay?

**lo:** what do you mean?

**virgy virge:** you’ve just been having a really bad time lately and i’m worried about you

**lo:** really?

**virgy virge:** of course, dude, you’re my best friend, i’m concerned af

**virgy virge:** plus, you’re kinda freaking everyone else out

**lo:** how????

**virgy virge:** you’re doing the whole “i don’t have feelings” thing that you did when you were first in our friend group

**lo:** i’m not doing that????

**virgy virge:** yes????? you are??????

**lo:** oh

**lo:** well, i apologize for any concern i brought to you

**virgy virge:** it’s fine, i just need you to talk to me

**lo:** sorry, virgil

**virgy virge:** anyways

**virgy virge:** sorry for the sappy moment

**lo:** you’re all good, don’t worry about it

**virgy virge:** you do know remy’s going to ask questions, right?

**lo:** i’m aware, i just want to get out of my house

**lo:** are you sure that this is okay?

**virgy virge:** oh my god, lo, you’re completely fine

**virgy virge:** you and i both know i am very capable to saying no to people

**virgy virge:** are you going to drive over or do you want me to pick you up?

**lo:** i’ll need to drive to school, so i’ll come over

**virgy virge:** got it

**lo:** can you not tell the others about this?

**virgy virge:** sure dude, whatever you want

**lo:** thanks, virge

**lo:** i just don’t want them to worry

**virgy virge:** honestly, pat’s going to worry about you anyways

**lo:** that boy needs to worry about himself more

**virgy virge:** honestly

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown gang**

**roro:** i’m very bored

**roro:** someone entertain me

**sure jan:** no.

**virgy virge:** absolutely not

**roro:** you two are the worst, i swear

**virgy virge:** hell yeah i am

**sure jan:** honestly, that’s a goddamn compliment

**raccoon:** i thought,,,, i was the worst,,,

**sure jan:** you’ve been replaced, bitch

**raccoon:** :(

**roro:** it’s okay, you’ll always be the worst in my heart

**patpat:** i would say that’s sweet but honestly, idk if it is

**raccoon:** don’t worry, it’s sweet in our own demented way

**roro:** anything with you is demented

**raccoon:** awwww

**raccoon:** thanks, bro

**roro:** np rat bastard

**virgy virge:** your sibling dynamic is so strange

**raccoon:** don’t act like you and your brother don’t act weird

**virgy virge:** well, yeah, but not that weird

**roro:** how are we weird?

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** are you seriously asking me that????

**roro:** lmao jkjk

**roro:** i know we’re easily the worst siblings on earth

  
**raccoon:** and i wear that as a badge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's kinda weird to me that i've made 42 of these ngl
> 
> suggestions are extremely welcome in this household


	43. the gay equivalent of homework

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmmm,,,,, harry styles,,,,,
> 
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus

**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** someone motivate me to do my homework

**raccoon:** do it or you’re straight

**virgy virge:** oh god, that’s a threat

**virgy virge:** i was talking more positivity, not scaring me

**raccoon:** then i’ve got nothing for you, man

**virgy virge:** wow, thanks so much

**raccoon:** np!

**virgy virge:** ugh

**patpat:** what class is it for?

**virgy virge:** english

**patpat:** oh, i don’t have the same teacher, i can’t help you there

**sure jan:** dude, we have a group chat dedicated to our english class, ask us there

**roro:** you guys have your own group chat??????

**raccoon:** yeah lol

**roro:** man, that actually sounds pretty fun

**virgy virge:** yeah, we rant to each other about our problems in it

**roro:** can i join uwu

**sure jan:** no

**virgy virge:** absolutely not

**raccoon:** we’re not spilling our secrets

**roro:** what if i promise not to tell anyone?

**lo:** no.

**roro:** :(

**virgy virge:** think of it like a finsta, we bitch about things to each other, sometimes about you

**roro:** okay, well now i have to know

**lo:** no.

**raccoon:** i think the only person we don’t talk about in there is janus bc we both fear and respect him

**roro:** y’all talk shit about each other to their faces?

**virgy virge:** yeah, it’s great

**lo:** it’s personally great for me because i never get any complaints

**sure jan:** mmm, yes, so humble

**lo:** thank you

**raccoon:** honestly, these two are such gossipy bitches

**sure jan:** oh i love that

**virgy virge:** honestly, get these two in a room with remy and holy shit, they could bring the entire school faculty down

**virgy virge:** even when just logan comes over, remy and him are lowkey terrifying

**lo:** thanks ig

**virgy virge:** np

**lo:** btw i might be a bit late

**virgy virge:** cool

**patpat:** ?????

**lo:** he and i are hanging out at his house tonight

**roro:** didn’t you hang out last night?

**virgy virge:** are we not allowed to hang out????

**raccoon:** well, yeah, but y’all have hung out every day for the past week

**virgy virge:** this is the opposite of why i started this conversation

**roro:** wait why did we start talking

**virgy virge:** i wanted motivation to finish my homowork but instead you distracted me

**roro:** “homowork”

**patpat:** mmm, yes, the gay equivalent of homework

**virgy virge:** don’t patronize me

**patpat:** bet

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** i feel like i’m losing my mind

**raccoon:** no, that’s just your personality trait

**roro:** sorry, what?

**raccoon:** you’re just constantly on the verge of a breakdown

**roro:** i mean i guess

**virgy virge:** you’re stealing my aesthetic

**raccoon:** no, you’re constantly having a breakdown, there’s a difference

**virgy virge:** oh shit, you right

**sure jan:** everyone here is either in the process of a breakdown or extremely close

**patpat:** what about me?

**sure jan:** oh my god,  _ especially  _ you

**patpat:** i mean i guess

**roro:** yeah, you have similar problems to logan where you refuse to acknowledge your feelings

**roro:** however, unlike logan who likes to pretend he has zero feelings, you just pretend that you aren’t sad

**lo:** i didn’t ask for this

**roro:** tell me i’m wrong

**lo:**

**lo:** okay, but everyone in here represses their feelings

**sure jan:** uh, i absolutely have  _ no  _ idea what you’re talking about

**lo:** you’ve literally told me before

**sure jan:** those conversations  _ never  _ happened

**virgy virge:** apparently the moore family is repressed to the max

**virgy virge:** at least i’m open about my sadness

**raccoon:** yeah, virgil’s got his shit together

  
**virgy virge:** i wouldn’t go that far, but yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have auditions to record and i'm avoiding it


	44. get educated, nerd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmm,,,,,, cheezits
> 
> i've been living off of cheezits and the water in my hydroflask lol
> 
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** god i fucking hate freshmen

**roro:** like it’s so gross

**sure jan:** not that i’m disagreeing with you

**sure jan:** like at all

**sure jan:** cause we all hate freshmen

**virgy virge:** even freshmen hate freshmen

**sure jan:** but why?

**lo:** roman and i were just walking to band and in the stairwell, there were two fourteen-year-olds shoving their tongues down each other’s throats and it’s disgusting

**raccoon:** oh you’re one to talk

**roro:** ?????

**raccoon:** pda is very much you guys’ forte

**lo:** how????

**roro:** yeah, we don’t do that shit at school

**raccoon:** mhm, and virgil and jan don’t hide in the faculty restroom on friday and make out

**virgy virge:** i wasn’t even involved in this conversation????

**sure jan:** yeah, why were we dragged in?????

**raccoon:** i’m using you as an example of a lie

**virgy virge:** just for the record, we don’t make out, my mom brings me little caesar’s pizza and i don’t want to share with y’all

**roro:** okay, all jokes aside,  _ what the fuck _

**patpat:** i want pizza :(

**virgy virge:** jay, we have to find a new hiding spot

**sure jan:** ugh, fine

**raccoon:** you know, now that i know, i’m totally going to find you

**sure jan:** lmao no you’re not

**raccoon:** how are you so sure?

**sure jan:** i’m not, but if you come and find us and eat our pizza, i’ll drop kick you

**raccoon:** that’s a fair point

**raccoon:** however, counterpoint- i’ve taken self-defense classes 

**virgy virge:** honestly, the fact that remus knows how to throw down is more terrifying than anything

**raccoon:** the instructor was incredibly impressed

**sure jan:** any tips lol

**raccoon:** if you get grabbed off of the street or something, use anything you can to get free. gouge out their eyes, rip their ears, do whatever you can. 

**patpat:** oh god, i don’t want to do that

**raccoon:** why not?

**patpat:** idk, i just don’t want to hurt them that bad

**raccoon:** if they’re not going to give you a chance, then why should you?

**virgy virge:** uh holy shit, this conversation took a turn

**raccoon:** oop

**roro:** can we please choose a lighter topic????

**raccoon:** sure lol

**raccoon:** does anyone need any bread

**roro:** um

**roro:** what did you do????

**raccoon:** what makes you think i did anything????

**roro:** because????? i know you????

**raccoon:** okay, so maybe i did do something

**roro:** oh god

**raccoon:** HOWEVER

**raccoon:** it wasn’t illegal

**patpat:** thank god

**sure jan:** honestly, that’s a little disappointing

**roro:** don’t encourage him???????

**raccoon:** well now i want to do something illegal

**sure jan:** oh?

**roro:** look what you’ve done?????????????

**sure jan:** lmao i’m not sorry

**lo:** i’m still confused about the bread thing

**raccoon:** oh yeah i forgot

**raccoon:** so i have the entire bread section from the kroger by my house

**lo:**

**lo:** sorry, what?

**raccoon:** yeah lol

**lo:** may i ask why?

**raccoon:** i dunno, i just saw bread,,,,,, and i have a debit card,,,,,

**raccoon:** boom, entire bread aisle is gone

**patpat:** i can ask my moms if we need any

**raccoon:** cool, i have plenty of it

**virgy virge:** can i have some uwu

**raccoon:** sure uwu

**roro:** i mean this in the best way possible,,,, but you’re the dumbest person i’ve ever met

**raccoon:** honestly, i’m okay with that

  
  


Break

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** so,,,, fun fact

**virgy virge:** uh oh

**lo:** i found out that remy has all of the secrets that he knows written down

**roro:** wait really????

**raccoon:** wait how did you find that out????

**patpat:** yeah, were you snooping through his stuff?

**lo:** no, i was looking for my phone charger

**sure jan:** k but i know for a fact that you never carry around your phone charger with you

**virgy virge:** lo, you might have to tell them

**lo:** sigh

**lo:** i’ve been staying at virgil’s for the past week to avoid my parents because they’re always fighting

**patpat:** awww i’m sorry

**lo:** it’s fine, i just had to get out of there

**sure jan:** why didn’t you tell us?????

**lo:** i didn’t want y’all to worry

**raccoon:** honestly, patton’s going to worry about you no matter what

**virgy virge:** THAT’S WHAT I SAID

**patpat:** i???? didn’t ask for this??????

**raccoon:** too bad, bitch

**raccoon:** jkjk i love you

**patpat:** love you too!!!!

**roro:** okay, y’all are fucking with me, right?????

**patpat:** ?????

**raccoon:** what are you talking about lol

**roro:** y’all are dating, right?

**roro:** like, you have to be at this point

**virgy virge:** oh i want to see this conversation

**roro:** ?????

**raccoon:** we’re qpps, you nerd

**roro:** oh

**roro:** ngl, i have absolutely no idea what that means

**patpat:** it’s like a romantic relationship without the romance

**raccoon:** like i love him but not in that way

**patpat:** it’s like dating but with friends!

**raccoon:** instead of kissing, we just vibe

**roro:** huh

**raccoon:** you good, bro?

**roro:** yeah lol

**roro:** just wasn’t expecting it

**roro:** i’m learning a lot today

**raccoon:** get educated, nerd

**lo:** i feel like that’s an oxymoron

**raccoon:** probably lol

**sure jan:** are we going to ignore that logan saw some of remy’s material????

**lo:** apparently

**lo:** also, i see why remy was scarred

**virgy virge:** oop

**raccoon:** what else did you see?

**lo:** i’m not allowed to say

**raccoon:** ?????

**lo:** he’s got too much on me

**virgy virge:** well now i’m curious

**lo:** you’re not going to find out

**raccoon:** you wanna bet?

**lo:** you want to find out what’ll happen if you do?

**virgy virge:** that’s lowkey terrifying

**lo:** good.

  
**virgy virge:** it’s now evolved into highkey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man i'm getting a million emails about comments and i'm living for it. they give me a lot of motivation for this ngl


	45. tea spill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was requested more remy and virgil's dog, so here you go uwu
> 
> patpat- patton   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus   
> sure jan- janus

**gossip girl** to  **tea spill**

**gossip girl:** jay, what’s that girl’s name in your chem class who made fun of you?

**sure jan:** uhh,,,,, christine rugila i think

**gossip girl:** hmm, just like i thought

**sure jan:** why?

**gossip girl:** john northern, aka literally the nicest kid in school (next to patton ofc), is planning on asking her out and she doesn’t deserve him tbh

**gossip girl:** she’s kinda a notorious bitch and he has no idea what he’s getting himself into

**lo:** fuck her up

**sure jan:** are you gonna go straight up to him and tell him?

**gossip girl:** um, you know my trademark

**sure jan:** i still think leaving notes in peoples lockers is pretty weird

**lo:** yes, however, it keeps a facade of anonymously to it

**gossip girl:** i still think it’s kinda hilarious that no one knows that it’s me

**gossip girl:** it’s like the shitty version of the already shitty movie radio rebel

**lo:** does anyone else know outside of our group?

**gossip girl:** nah, but i might tell thomas soon

**sure jan:** oh yeah, don’t you have a giant crush on him?

**gossip girl:** it’s not a crush, it’s just healthy interest

**sure jan:** mhm, sure

**sure jan:** totally not obsessed or anything

**gossip girl:** i stg shut up

**sure jan:** nah, i don’t think i will lol

**gossip girl:** ugh

**lo:** why am i friends with you two?

**gossip girl:** cause you looooooooove usssssss

**lo:** extremely debatable

**sure jan:** logan’s secretly a big ole softy

**lo:** um, i call bullshit

**gossip girl:** mhm, sure

**lo:** dude, don’t do this to me

**gossip girl:** logan, buddy

**gossip girl:** all i’m able to do is give people shit

**lo:** fair enough ig

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sad clown hours**

**sure jan:** so,,,,, virgil’s dog doesn’t like louise

**virgy virge:** ??????

**patpat:** i’m very upset >:(

**virgy virge:** i left town for two days and you’ve already made my dog mad????

**patpat:** no no no, we didn’t do anything, your dog is at fault here

**virgy virge:** i seriously doubt that arthur did anything

**patpat:** mhm, sure

**virgy virge:** what even happened?

**patpat:** he traumatized my ferret, that’s what happened

**sure jan:** it was actually kinda funny

**sure jan:** just imagine a golden retriever chasing a ferret around while patton runs after the both of them

**patpat:** and of course jay was no help

**sure jan:** yeah, i was dying laughing on the floor lol

**virgy virge:** i stg, if you hurt my dog, i’m going to be extremely mad

**sure jan:** nah, arthur’s fine, he’s just scared of pat now

**patpat:** honestly, that’s the worst thing out of all of this

**patpat:** the thought of a dog hating me make me so upset

**virgy virge:** he probably doesn’t hate you, he just gets spooked easily

**roro:** oh, is your dog you?

**virgy virge:** fuck off, dork

**roro:** um, that’s kinda rude

**raccoon:** plus, if anyone’s a dork here, it’s logan

**lo:** i wasn’t even a part of this conversation?????

**raccoon:** too bad, bitch

**virgy virge:** lo is never a part of these conversations

**virgy virge:** he just gets dragged into these conversations unwillingly

**lo:** it’s not like i don’t read all of these, i just don’t say anything cause i don’t know what to say

**roro:** god, what a mood

**virgy virge:** bitch, what do you mean, you literally talk all the time in here

**roro:** um, rude???

**patpat:** man, virgil’s out for vengeance today

**virgy virge:** listen, i’m in oklahoma and i’m sick of my family

**raccoon:** sucks to suck, man

  
**virgy virge:** ugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmmmm i'm dog-sitting my grandma's dog while she's in the hospital and he's so fucking adorable


	46. borthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!!!! happy birthday to infawrit10!!!!! i was already in the process of writing this, but it ended up at a perfect time!
> 
> lmao my upload schedule is so inconsistent, i either post every day or i wait two days and upload like three times that day
> 
> patpat: patton  
> lo: logan  
> raccoon: remus  
> roro: roman  
> virgy virge: virgil  
> sure jan: janus  
> gossip girl (i need a more creative name for him lol): remy

**patpat** has created a new chat!

**patpat** has named the chat  **lolo’s birthday!!!!!**

**patpat** has added  **roro** ,  **virgy virge** ,  **raccoon** ,  **sure jan** ,  **gossip girl**

**patpat:** so, i bet you’re all wondering why i brought you here today

**virgy virge:** i mean, not really, i see the title

**patpat:** oh yeah lol

**gossip girl:** why am i here?

**patpat:** cause you and virgil are his best friends and know him best

**virgy virge:** oh god, don’t put all of the pressure on me

**patpat:** don’t worry!!! 

**patpat:** this is a group effort!!!!

**raccoon:** i hope you know that i’m going to have a very small role in all of this

**patpat:** no, you and jay are going to help decorate!

**raccoon:** wait why janus?

**sure jan:** uh, yeah, why me?

**patpat:** ree, as much as i love you, you’re going to go too gruesome with it and janus can actually control you

**raccoon:** WOW, okay, jeez

**raccoon:** i mean, you’re right, but yikes

**patpat:** sorry

**roro:** wait, what are everyone’s roles?

**patpat:** ro, you can keep him distracted while we get everything ready; virge and remy can help me plan out everything; jay and remus decorate

**roro:** dude, you know he’s going to know that something’s up, right?

**roro:** he’s super smart and observant

**patpat:** listen, i’ve thought this through

**patpat:** remember when we did the whole thing at halloween with remus?

**raccoon:** oh yeah lol

**virgy virge:** you mean the one where he kept saying he was un-scareable so we set up a fake haunted house inside of a real haunted house

**raccoon:** yeah, it was amazing

**roro:** i still have no idea what we’re doing lol

**patpat:** just pretend like there’s like another surprise

**roro:** you realize this makes no sense, right?

**patpat:** just do your best to throw him off the scent

**roro:** coolio

**raccoon:** god, what are you from, the early 2000’s?

**raccoon:** coolio? really??????

**roro:** fuck off, rat

**raccoon:** loser

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown gang**

**lo:** you guys are planning something and i’m nervous

**patpat:** ?????

**lo:** virgil’s very bad at lying, i can tell something’s up

**virgy virge:** how am i lying????

**lo:** janus taught me about nervous ticks and let me know everyone’s 

**lo:** yours just happens to be clicking your nails on any surface

**virgy virge:** dude that’s just a habit

**lo:** mhm

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**virgy virge** to  **sure jan**

**virgy virge:** why would you teach him that?????

**sure jan:** dude, it was literally a year ago, i didn’t think he’d remember it???

**virgy virge:** peak dumbass

**sure jan:** i mean you’re not wrong

**sure jan:** but hold on, i think i can fix this

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sad clown hours**

**sure jan:** to be fair, his tick changed a couple of months ago

**lo:** convenient

**sure jan:** he started chewing his nails in october, logan

**sure jan:** i’ve taught you better than this

**lo:** wow, okay

**sure jan:** oof, sorry, that was mean

**lo:** it’s okay, i’m used to it

**patpat:** hmmmmmm

**lo:** oh god

**patpat:** *aggressively loves you platonically*

**lo:** i think i’m good

**patpat:** i will find a way to give you validation

**roro:** it’s what he deserves

**lo:** sounds fake

**patpat:** >:(

**sure jan:** dude, patton literally got up and grabbed his car keys, watch out, lo

**lo:** oh god, no

**virgy virge:** you about to be deaded

**roro:** that’s kinda stale, vee

**virgy virge:** first of all, rude

**virgy virge:** second, only logan can call me that

**roro:** wait, why???

**virgy virge:** i call him L and he calls me vee

**lo:** it’s true, i s slkfjsldkgjhlighweo[r

**roro:** oh god, pat got to him

  
**virgy virge:** rip logan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate texas weather, it was super sunny five minutes ago and now it's pouring outside


	47. janjan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to be in oklahoma for the next couple days so i probably won't be able to write
> 
> just a heads up
> 
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus   
> raccoon- remus   
> patpat- patton   
> roro- roman

**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **patpat**

**raccoon:** hey hey hey hey

**patpat:** what what what what

**raccoon:** we should hang out tomorrow

**patpat:** awwwww, i can’t :(

**raccoon:** :((((

**raccoon:** why not?

**patpat:** i have to babysit (dog-sit?) virgil’s dog

**raccoon:** why can’t jan jan do it?

**patpat:** he would kill you for calling him that

**raccoon:** yeah ik lol

**patpat:** he’s out with logan for something 

**raccoon:** i’ve got a crazy thought

**patpat:** oh????

**raccoon:** what if i

**patpat:** go on

**raccoon:** came to you

**patpat:** _go on_

**raccoon:** and we could play with his dog

**patpat:** _worm??????_

**patpat:** we’ve got a fucking genius over here

**raccoon:** i’m just a vessel for god

**patpat:** oh my lord

**raccoon:** but seriously tho, are you good with me coming over?

**patpat:** of course!!!!!

**patpat:** my moms are gonna be out for the day too so we can really do whatever we want

**raccoon:** i literally can’t wait

**raccoon:** virgy never lets me come anywhere near his home

**raccoon:** i’ve been wanting to meet arthur for a very long time

**patpat:** why doesn’t he let you go to his house

**raccoon:** because i’m “a menace to society” and “a walking biohazard” and a “slap in the face to personal hygiene”

**raccoon:** i mean he’s right, but dang

**raccoon:** i didn’t even want to mess with him, i just wanted to pet a fluffy golden retriever

**patpat:** he’s really sweet, i think you’ll like him

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE MY DOG?????

**patpat:** in remus’ defense, i was the one who couldn’t get the leash on

**virgy virge:** how is that relevant??????

**patpat:** idk, i just thought that maybe it’d help

**raccoon:** he’s trying his best

**virgy virge:** oh my god oh my god oh my god

**virgy virge:** my parents are going to kill me

**raccoon:** why?

**virgy virge:** cause i told them that my friends were trustworthy???????

**virgy virge:** because i forgot that apparently my friends all hate me and want to destroy my happiness

**raccoon:** don’t lie to yourself, you were never happy to begin with

**virgy virge:** fair, but that’s not the point

**virgy virge:** i’m literally about to drive back right now

**lo:** wait, i found him

**virgy virge:** ?????

**lo:** yeah, he was just wandering around the neighborhood and ran up to me

**virgy virge:** when your dog doesn’t know his way back home but he remembers your best friend

**patpat:** lo, where are you?

**lo:** i’m on my way to your house

**virgy virge:** honestly, pat, if you lose arthur again, we can’t be friends again

**patpat:** wow, no pressure or anything

**virgy virge:** jkjk, i know it was an accident, it’s fine

**virgy virge:** however, my parents are boarding him next time

**patpat:** honestly that’s fair

**sure jan:** :(

**virgy virge:** tough nuts jan

**sure jan:** oh my god, don’t call me that

**raccoon:** what if

**raccoon** has changed  **sure jan** ’s name to  **janjan**

**janjan:** god i fucking hate you

**raccoon:** love you too!!!!

**janjan:** ugh

  
**roro:** ngl i have no idea what’s going on, but i’m kinda glad i missed it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been going through all of the chapters for plot point and wowie, there's a ton of typos lol
> 
> also i love your comments so much, they motivate me like nothing else


	48. nitromethane and alchohol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been watching criminal minds and holy shit,,,,, i'm lowkey scared rn
> 
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> jan jan- janus   
> lo- logan

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** okay, so at least i know why you don’t do it

**lo:** that should’ve been clear from the start?????

**roro:** oh god, what did he do????

**raccoon:** don’t worry, i just singed my eyebrows

**jan jan:** bitch,  _ singed _ ?????

**jan jan:** you straight up burned them off

**raccoon:** to be fair, i’ve done worse

**jan jan:** how does that make it better?????

**roro:** wait wait wait

**raccoon:** yo

**roro:** you burned off your eyebrows?

**raccoon:** yeah lol

**roro:** how????

**roro:** why????

**raccoon:** i set something on fire lol

**lo:** that’s an understatement

**roro:** what exactly did he set on fire????

**lo:** nitromethane

**roro:** okay

**lo:** you have no idea what that is, do you

**roro:** you know me so well

**lo:** unfortunately

**roro:** :(

**lo:** it’s typically used for fuel in dragster and funny cars

**lo:** you may also know it for it’s white flame that it produces

**roro:** oh god, did he hold a lighter to it????

**raccoon:** i tried to lol

**lo:** i then told him that you had to add alcohol to it to make it burn so he went into the bathroom and went into the first-aid kit, grabbed the rubbing alcohol and poured half the bottle in and set it on fire

**lo:** and apparently he never payed attention to any of the lab safety modules in school because his face was directly above the mixture that he’d just set on fire

**roro:** k, but is he okay????

**raccoon:** if you want to kill me, god, you’re going to have to try a little bit harder

**virgy virge:** apparently almost setting you on fire was not enough????

**raccoon:** like i said, she’s going to have to try a little harder

**roro:** saying god has she/her pronouns is galaxy tier brain

**patpat:** remus has been spouting some wisdom lately lol

**raccoon:** again, i must reiterate- i am but a vessel for god

**roro:** i lowkey feel bad for her

**raccoon:** well, you’re lowkey being rude

**jan jan:** are we just going to ignore how remus now has no eyebrows????

**raccoon:** apparently lol

**roro:** don’t worry, i can teach you how to draw them on properly

**raccoon:** okay, but consider this:

**raccoon:** i wear stick-on mustaches and peel them off to fuck with people

**virgy virge:** i mean, obviously don’t do it but that would be so fucking hilarious

**roro:** um???

**roro:** maybe don’t????? encourage him??????

**virgy virge:** don’t????? tell me what to do?????

**roro:** rude

**virgy virge:** thanks lol

**patpat:** the fact that you two still hate each other yet are still very good friends is completely baffling

**roro:** i don’t hate him

**virgy virge:** yeah, he’s a fucking nightmare

**roro:** wait hold up

**virgy virge:** oh whoops

**lo:** i do not like the vibes that we’ve created in this room

**virgy virge:** honestly, me neither

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** what if,,,,,

**lo:** off to a very bad start

**patpat:** don’t worry, it’s not remus level

**raccoon:** fucking rude

**patpat:** sorry

**patpat:** anyways

**patpat:** what if i just got another ferret

**jan jan:** oh my god

**jan jan:** mom’s going to murder you if you bring another animal in this house

**patpat:** we’ve only got a ferret????

**jan jan:** she said that remus and virgil are in the category

**virgy virge:** HEY

**raccoon:** god, i love your moms

**roro:** we stan badass lesbians who call my brother a rabid animal

**lo:** honestly

**virgy virge:** i’m extremely offended

**virgy virge:** i refuse to be compared to remus

**raccoon:** honestly fair

**jan jan:** idk what to tell you

**jan jan:** you can be a dog if you want lol

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** fine

**patpat:** no one can resist dogs

**virgy virge:** listen, as much as i love the whole cat aesthetic, dogs are so fucking good and i love them

**roro:** i wish we could have a dog

**roro:** however, i don’t trust remus with live animals

**patpat:** just live animals?

**roro:** logan usually supervises him whenever they dissect things, so it’s fine

**virgy virge:** chaotic scientist friends

**lo:** it’s nice to have someone who will completely disregard all scientific ettiquite without questions

**raccoon:** roman, i love your boyfriend

**roro:** god, me too

**raccoon:** roman just gave a love-sick sigh from across the room lol

**roro:** bitch don’t expose me like this

**virgy virge:** it’s fine, logan made the windows error sound

**lo:** um i didn’t ask for this

  
**virgy virge:** too bad bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing on my phone is so frustrating, so please forgive any typos or mistakes lol


	49. garden salad and murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pov: you're me at three in the morning watching dci bootlegs and reading y'all's comments while crying
> 
> also roceit friendship bc i can't stop thinking about that last episode and i have a lot of feelings
> 
> patpat- patton   
> roro- roman   
> jan jan- janus   
> lo- logan   
> raccoon- remus   
> virgy virge- virgil

**Private Message**

**roro** to  **jan jan**

**roro:** i’m gay and i need help

**jan jan:** um

**jan jan:** you know i’m terrible with advice, right?

**roro:** i know, but i’m s t r u g g l i n g

**jan jan:** fine

**jan jan:** what’s up?

**roro:** so you remember how lo and i met, right?

**jan jan:** yeah i had just entered the friend group when it happened

**roro:** so it’s been about four years since that happened and one since we started dating and honestly idk what to do for it

**jan jan:** again, i must ask, why am i doing this??

**jan jan:** i’m emotionally incompetent?????

**roro:** remus and patton don’t know shit and virgil has honestly never helped me once in my life

**jan jan:** neither have i?????

**roro:** yeah but you gave me the heimlich so 

**jan jan:** i hardly think that counts

**roro:** whatever

**jan jan:** how do you know that lo’s going to remember?

**roro:** dude, logan remembers literally everything

**jan jan:** that’s fair lol

**jan jan:** honestly, you should just keep it simple

**jan jan:** if you make a big deal out of it and he doesn’t remember, he’ll feel super shitty and it’ll all be a bad ride

**jan jan:** also he’ll feel extremely overwhelmed and uncomfortable if you pull a “roman”

**roro:** okay, i see your point and i understand it

**roro:** counterpoint

**jan jan:** oh no

**roro:** i’m going to absolutely pull a roman

**jan jan:** we both know that he hates big spectacles

**roro:** i know i know but i just don’t really want to let him down

**roro:** he’s had a hard time and the last thing i want is to disappoint him

**jan jan:** ro, i hate to break it to you, buddy

**jan jan:** i don’t think logan could ever be disappointed in you

**roro:** you’d be surprised lol

**jan jan:** he’s always fake disappointed in you, it’s never genuine

**jan jan:** you two like each other an incredible amount and it’s disgusting

**roro:** thanks i think

**jan jan:** just keep it simple and sweet and it’ll end up alright

**roro:** okay

**roro:** do you have any idea on what i should do?

**jan jan:** uhhhhhhhhh

**jan jan:** there’s that new movie that’s out that logan’s been ranting about for a while now

**jan jan:** i think it’s like a movie adaptation of that one podcast he likes

**roro:** oh, i’ve heard about that

**jan jan:** yeah

**jan jan:** just go with something simple like that and then maybe go out for dinner lol

**roro:** okay

**roro:** thanks, jan, i really appreciate it

**jan jan:** no problem dude

**jan jan:** just never call me that

**roro:** kay jan

**jan jan:** we’re no longer friends

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** FUCKING HOW

**patpat:** ??????

**raccoon:** LOGAN IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING

**patpat:** that literally doesn’t give me any context or answer

**lo:** we were playing kahoot in english and i won

**raccoon:** UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE GODDAMN CENTURY

**virgy virge:** his score was miles ahead of everyone else

**virgy virge:** his reflexes are freaky fast

**jan jan:** plot twist, logan’s spider-man

**roro:** does that mean that i get to make out with him upside down in the rain?

**lo:** wouldn’t that make it slippery?

**lo:** also i’m offended that i’m not mj

**raccoon:** ew why would you want to be her?????

**lo:** she’s an investigative reporter who has a superhero as a boyfriend 

**lo:** who wouldn’t want to be her

**raccoon:** wait, lo, if you’re spider-man, does that mean i can be doc oc????

**lo:** why him?

**raccoon:** listen,,,,, those tentacles man,,,,,,

**roro:** _dude_

**roro:** shut up

**virgy virge:** why is remus so horny all the time???

**raccoon:** it’s the combination of teenage hormones and my personality

**roro:** he’s the epitome of florida man

**lo:** i know remus means he’s interested in tentacles in a more sexual manner, but i went to the open tank portion of the aquarium where you could pet the stingrays and octopi and it was so cool

**raccoon:** you went without me?????

**raccoon:** i thought we were science buddies ;(

**lo:** i feel like that emoticon isn’t relevant

**lo:** also, it was a date and i wasn’t going to bring you along

**raccoon:** YOU TOOK ROMAN INSTEAD???????

**raccoon:** we’re no longer friends

**raccoon:** our friendship is an idea that no one fucking believes in

**lo:** remus, i wasn’t going to drag you along

**raccoon:** what’s your full name and address, i’m going to postmates a hitman to you

**raccoon:** you’re going to get a garden salad and murder

**lo:**

**lo:** i genuinely have no idea what to say in response to that

  
**raccoon:** what can i say, maybe i’m just genuinely baffling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i love going through the comments and seeing y'all ngl
> 
> also blue raspberry poptarts exist and i don't hate them


	50. trina vega's chicago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday roman!!!!!!!
> 
> roro- roman  
> lo- logan  
> sure jan- janus  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> patpat- patton  
> raccoon- remus

**patpat** to **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** not to brag or anything

**patpat:** but i just made the best financial decision of my life

**virgy virge:** i dunno man, that kinda feels like a brag

**patpat:** because it absolutely was

**lo:** i can already tell that this isn’t going to be a good purchase

**patpat:** jokes on you, i already used it and it was amazing

**virgy virge:** yeah it was pretty fun actually

**lo:** what did you do?

**patpat:** i got a harness to walk my ferrets and virgil came along and it was so much fun

**virgy virge:** i wasn’t allowed to bring arthur and i’m lowkey mad about it

**patpat:** um he literally chased louise around last time they interacted

**virgy virge:** i’m still adamant that it wasn’t his fault

**patpat:** mhm

**roro:** wait we never heard anything about your other ferret

**patpat:** oh yeah lol

**patpat:** her name is bonnie and i love her

**lo:**

**lo:** did you name your ferret after one of the most famous criminals from the 1920’s????

**raccoon:** i may have had something to do with it

**patpat:** plus, i just liked the name

**sure jan:** i hope you know that you’re legally obligated to get another ferret and name it clyde

**patpat:** nah, i don’t want them to make ferret babies

**patpat:** like, as much as i would love that, i think my mom would kill me

**sure jan:** as much as i would love to see that, i’ve gotta agree with you on that one

**sure jan:** that’s too many ferrets

**raccoon:** hm

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to **sad clown hours**

**roro:** just a psa

**roro:** no one can be mean to me this week

**virgy virge:** i’m upset now

**virgy virge:** why not?

**roro:** it’s my birthweek

**sure jan:** roman,,,, buddy,,,,,

**sure jan:** it’s a birthday, not a birthweek

**raccoon:** no, he knows what he’s talking about

**roro:** a day is not enough to celebrate me

**virgy virge:** oh my god

**virgy virge:** *retches*

**roro:** see, this is what i mean when i say don’t be mean to me

**virgy virge:** sorry i guess

**sure jan:** i just think i forgot how unbelievably extra you are

**roro:** idk how you forgot

**roro:** i’m like trina from victorious but i can actually sing

**patpat:** are you saying that our QUEEN trina vega is bad????

**roro:** no, she actually carried that entire show

**raccoon:** fucking facts

**raccoon:** i want chicago played at my wedding and/or funeral

**patpat:** retweet

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**lo:** so i may have fucked up

**virgy virge:** uh oh

**sure jan:** what’d you do?????

**lo:** i forgot about roman’s “birthweek” and i didn’t get him anything

**virgy virge:** oh shit

**lo:** yeah

**sure jan:** do you have an idea of what to get him?

**lo:** no and i’m freaking out

**lo:** remus, what does he want for his birthday?

**raccoon:** look at his pinterest lol

**virgy virge:** dude who still has a pintrest

**sure jan:**

**sure jan:** definitely not me

**virgy virge:** ??????

**sure jan:** sometimes i just don’t know what to wear with my copious amount of jackets

**virgy virge:** lmao loser

**sure jan:** >:(

**lo:** yeah, i’m just struggling over here, don’t mind me

**lo:** it’s not like i’m asking for help or anything

**virgy virge:** sorry lol

**lo:** mhm

**raccoon:** so he’s been looking for a red bomber jacket for ages and hasn’t found one that he likes yet

**raccoon:** you’re a research freak so you could probably find one

**lo:** that’s actually a decent idea

**raccoon:** !!!!!

**raccoon:** validation!!!!!!

**virgy virge:** if all else fails, just buy a jean jacket and remus or i can paint on the back of it

**lo:** janus, i might need your help with picking one out

**sure jan:** why lol

**lo:** cause you’re his best friend

**sure jan:** oh yeah lol

**raccoon:** lmao dumbass

**sure jan:** i’ll stomp your kneecaps backwards

**raccoon:** they’ll bust your kneecaps, oooh whoop de do whoop de do

**sure jan:** ?????

**raccoon:** nevermind lol

  
 **sure jan:** ugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bad news!! i sliced through my fingertip on accident
> 
> however!!!!!!!!!
> 
> good news!!!!! i've got a solo in this year's marching show!!!!!!!!!!!


	51. princess diana- conspiracy or truth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this kinda stemmed from me having a criminal minds au that i may or may not be writing lol
> 
> logan is doctor reid, change my mind
> 
> there's practically no one in this chapter so
> 
> lo- logan  
> raccoon- remus

**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **lo**

**raccoon:** heyyyyyyyyyy

**lo:** should i be afraid to ask?

**raccoon:** probably lol

**raccoon:** anywho

**raccoon:** can you go all garcia and look something up for me?

**lo:** who’s garcia?

**raccoon:** ah, nothing

**lo:** you know i hate not knowing things, remus

**raccoon:** i really mean it, it's not very important

**raccoon:** anyways, can you?

**lo:** depends

**lo:** how illegal is it?

**raccoon:** what?

**lo:** don’t play dumb with me

**lo:** you don’t talk to me unless you need me to do something illegal

**raccoon:** well now i feel shitty

**lo:** no, it’s fine, i just need to know the degree or illegal

**raccoon:** oh, don’t worry, it’s not even that bad

**raccoon:** do you have access to the cia database?

**lo:**

**lo:** are you serious????

**raccoon:** nah, i’m just fucking with you

**raccoon:** so i’ve been thinking

**lo:** uh oh

**raccoon:** don’t sass me, bishop

**raccoon:** do you think that princess diana actually died in an accident?

**lo:** jesus, i’m going back to bed

**raccoon:** wait wait wait

**raccoon:** it’s a genuine curiosity

**lo:** from what i understand, it was purely an accident that people took out of proportion

**lo:** the government in great britain actually launched an investigation into these conspiracies and all of them pretty much turned out to be nonsense made up by lunatics who probably also think that the earth is flat or the moon landing was fake

**raccoon:** k but have you seen the moon landing footage

**lo:** i swear to fucking god

**raccoon:** jkjk

**raccoon:** thanks for shutting my brain up lol

**lo:** no problem

**lo:** i enjoy telling people about stuff

**raccoon:** you should be a teacher

**lo:** no offense, but i’d rather die than work with children

**raccoon:** then what’s your dream job?

**lo:** fbi’s behavioral analysis unit

**raccoon:** that’s oddly specific????

**lo:** i’ve had my life mapped out for a very long time and i don’t plan on straying from it

**lo:** besides a boyfriend, a group of friends, joining band, and having a gender identity crisis, i’ve stuck to it pretty well

**raccoon:** seriously????

**raccoon:** can’t that be exhausting???

**lo:** at some points, yes, but i want to be successful in life and this is the way to do it

**raccoon:** huh

**raccoon:** i don’t even know what i’m going to do tomorrow

**lo:** and that’s completely okay

**lo:** i sometimes wish i didn’t have a schedule, but at the same time, i need routine in my life

**raccoon:** huh

**raccoon:** yeah, i think i’d go nuts

**lo:** i think we’re really all nuts at some point

**raccoon:** hehe

**raccoon:** nuts

**lo:** god, i’m going to bed

**raccoon:** night night lolo!!!!

**lo:** go to sleep, remus

  
**raccoon:** okay dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been staying up super late at night watching criminal minds,,,,,, i may have a problem,,,,,


	52. *retches*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally was able to get a switch and have been playing mario kart nonstop lol
> 
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> sure jan- janus   
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus

**Private Message**

**roro** to  **sure jan**

**roro:** hnnnggggggggg

**sure jan:** why do you always come to me for help?????

**roro:** bc you’re my best friend

**roro:** but that’s irrelevant

**sure jan:** that seems pretty relevant to me????????

**sure jan:** i have a best friend???????

**roro:** well, yeah

**sure jan:** huh

**sure jan:** anyways, what’s up?

**roro:** oh i just need to rant about logan

**sure jan:** jesus christ

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sad clown gang**

**sure jan:** someone tell roman to stop ranting to me about how pretty his significant other is

**roro:** no

**virgy virge:** just suffer lol

**sure jan:** you’re the worst and i hate you

**sure jan:** i’m going to drag you through hell

**virgy virge:** does that mean we can hold hands?

**sure jan:** you sound like patton (no offense pat)

**virgy virge:** lmao thanks babe

**sure jan:** ew

**sure jan:** no problem honey

**virgy virge:** yeah nevermind

**patpat:** yknow, half the time i have no idea what’s going on with the two of you

**virgy virge:** the gist is that we hate pet names and say them ironically to each other

**sure jan:** literally makes me gag every time

**roro:** heyyyy logan

**lo:** don’t even think about it

**roro:** :(

**raccoon:** lmao loser

**raccoon:** btw our egg and sperm donors are coming home tonight

**virgy virge:** *retches*

**virgy virge:** why would you refer to them as that????

**raccoon:** cause they’re barely our parents, might as well not call them that

**roro:** wait why are they coming home

**raccoon:** idk

**raccoon:** all i know is that amanda called me

**virgy virge:** who’s amanda lol

**raccoon:** our parents’ personal assistant

**raccoon:** she’s like the only one that’s ever been nice to us

**virgy virge:** huh

**roro:** shit

**roro:** we’ve got to clean

**virgy virge:** y’all could just stay with me or something if you don’t want to see them

**raccoon:** if they’re staying overnight, then yeah

**raccoon:** but if we’re not there when we come, they’ll report us as missing or something

**roro:** i mean they’d probably be glad that i left lol

**roro:** you are the new family favorite after all

**raccoon:** jesus christ ro, don’t do this to yourself

**raccoon:** we all know the only reason they like me now is because they’re homophobic assholes

**raccoon:** if it hadn’t happened, i would be the ignored one

**roro:** yeah but i’m still the fuck up

**raccoon:** no, i definitely am

**roro:** no, i am

**virgy virge:** please don’t fight over who’s the worse child

**virgy virge:** i legit don’t have time for it

**virgy virge:** can you ask the personal assistant how long they’re staying

**virgy virge:** cause my parents would like to know if it’s a definite yes or no

**raccoon:** she said they’re here for a convention and are going to be here for three days

**raccoon:** i doubt your parents would be cool with us staying over for multiple days

**patpat:** just stay with jay and me for the last two days

**patpat:** our moms don’t care

**raccoon:** ah that’s chill

**raccoon:** i can just tell our parents that we have a group project due or something

**patpat:** okie

**patpat:** virge, lo, do you want to come over too?

**virgy virge:** sure

**lo:** i’ve got nothing going on, why not

**roro:** i really don’t want them to come home

**raccoon:** i know

**raccoon:** but we really can’t do anything about it

**roro:** ikik but still

**roro:** that doesn’t exactly make it much better

**raccoon:** we just have to wait them out until we get actual jobs

**roro:** eugh

**patpat:** i’m sorry :((

**raccoon:** it’s all good sweetheart, you don’t need to worry about me

**patpat:** sweetheart?

**raccoon:** is it okay if i call you that?

**patpat:** you can call me anything you like!!!!

**raccoon:** okay optimus prime-

  
**patpat:** I Retract My Statement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i've done the past week is write and watch criminal minds
> 
> also i have a criminal minds au that i'm dying to share cause i'm almost finished with the beginning


	53. hot dog slicer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long lol. i've been a little busy with my sister's birthday and mine like a week from now
> 
> i've noticed that i just rant in the notes lmao
> 
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> raccoon- remus   
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus

**raccoon** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**raccoon:** wait, logan, i never got a straight answer from you

**lo:** why do you always ask me shit at two in the morning?

**lo:** but anyways

**lo:** what’s your question?

**raccoon:** do you have access to the cia database?

**sure jan:** wait what’s going on???

**virgy virge:** logan is rumored to have access to the cia database

**lo:** uh

**lo:** *sweats*

**raccoon:** HOLY FUCK

**lo:** JKJK

**lo:** that would be nice, though

**lo:** however, i would most likely be hunted down by our government so i don’t really want that

**raccoon:** that’s a good point

**raccoon:** however

**raccoon:** counterpoint

**raccoon:** i want prince harry’s phone number

**virgy virge:** stop being so horny

**raccoon:** that’s like my entire brand??????

**sure jan:** accurate

**raccoon:** i’m always horny on main

**sure jan:** god, aren’t we all

**lo:** honestly

**virgy virge:** y’all are weird

**raccoon:** mmmmm, my desired aesthetic

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown gang**

**roro:** can someone take me to the mall uwu

**virgy virge:** oh god

**roro:** ????

**virgy virge:** do you not remember the last time we all went to the mall together????

**roro:** oh yeah lol

**roro:** if we don’t take janus and remus, i think i’ll be fine

**sure jan:** what have i done??

**roro:** you two enable each other

**roro:** if i were to put you two in a room together for an hour, i have no doubts that the building would be burned down when i got back

**sure jan:** rude

**raccoon:** yeah, but he’s kinda true

**raccoon:** we did break a sink

**lo:** don’t forget the urinal, too

**sure jan:** k but it was also virgil’s fault

**virgy virge:** i’m always dragged in here with your little gang of miscreants and i’m not up for it today

**patpat:** wait, what’s wrong?

**virgy virge:** just a shitty day

**virgy virge:** i’m tired of everyone

**patpat:** even me?

**virgy virge:** nah, you’re fine

**virgy virge:** most of the people in the chat are fine

**roro:** most?

**virgy virge:** i said what i said

**raccoon:** who are you mad at????

**virgy virge:** nunya

**raccoon:** can you tell me uwu

**virgy virge:** [https://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00zaHRgBiPFout/Manual-Hot-Dog-Cutter-Dog-Dicer-Sausage-Slicer.jpg](https://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00zaHRgBiPFout/Manual-Hot-Dog-Cutter-Dog-Dicer-Sausage-Slicer.jpg)

**raccoon:** bro you could’ve just said no

**raccoon:** please don’t dice my dick

**lo:** do it

**roro:** woah

**roro:** what’s happening????

**lo:** we’re both mad at him

**roro:** what did the rat do??

**virgy virge:** lo and i were hanging out in the art room while i was making a ceramic snake and he came up behind us and made me shatter it

**lo:** it cut up my leg

**virgy virge:** and now i’m going to get a zero on the project

**roro:** just set his curtains on fire

**raccoon:** i really am sorry

**raccoon:** i didn’t know you were doing anything important 

**virgy virge:** it’s fine

**raccoon:** still, i am sorry

**raccoon:** also, lo, i’m sorry about your leg

**lo:** it’s all good, i disinfected it and bandaged it so it doesn’t get out of hand

**lo:** i’m really not in the mood for an infection

**patpat:** when has anyone ever been in the mood for an infection

**sure jan:** my freshman and sophomore yearl, i used to purposefully make my finger infected so i could squeeze it and pus would shoot out of it

**roro:** uh

**roro:** okay

**roro:** that’s kind of fucked up

**roro:** but you do you man

**virgy virge:** oh yeah, i forgot about that phase lol

**sure jan:** i was a strange teenager

**lo:** aren’t you still a teenager???

**sure jan:** yeah, but still

**sure jan:** it’s the concept

**lo:** huh

**roro:** i think logan’s confused

**lo:** you bet your ass i am

**roro:** i would NEVER bet my ass on anything

**roro:** it’s the only thing i’ve got going for me

**patpat:** hngggggg

**patpat:** please be nice to yourself, i love you so much

  
**roro:** i think we both know that’s too much to ask from me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm starting on a new medication and man i feel funky


	54. simp nation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying to lose weight through jazzercise and it's lowkey going pretty great lol
> 
> also i REFUSE to believe that cannon virgil and logan aren't best friends and i will die on that hill
> 
> lo- logan   
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> roro- roman   
> raccoon- remus   
> sure jan- janus

**Private Message**

**lo** to  **virgy virge**

**lo:** question

**virgy virge:** wHiCh BeAr Is BeSt??

**lo:** ?????

**virgy virge:** jesus, dude, do you just never watch tv???

**lo:** no.

**virgy virge:** oh yeah lol

**virgy virge:** i forgot you kinda had the worst childhood

**lo:** not really

**lo:** not as bad as roman and remus’s

**virgy virge:** okay but don’t downplay your own trauma bc that’s super unhealthy

**lo:** ugh

**lo:** logic-ing away problems is supposed to be my job

**virgy virge:** what can i say, the student becomes the teacher

**lo:** anyways

**lo:** i have a question

**virgy virge:** shoot

**lo:** why would i shoot you?

**virgy virge:** jesus, how sleep-deprived are you???

**lo:** what do you mean?

**virgy virge:** you always get more literal whenever you’re sleep-deprived

**lo:** you know, you’re more observant than we give you credit for

**virgy virge:** hell yeah i am

**virgy virge:** i’m so overrated that i’m underrated

**lo:** i’m not sure that makes sense

**virgy virge:** it’s fine lol

**virgy virge:** anyways, what’s your question?

**lo:** oh yeah

**lo:** it wasn’t even that important

**lo:** remy got a new phone, right?

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** why do you want to know?

**lo:** i have information for him that he might need

**virgy virge:** ooh, can i know?

**lo:** virgil, i mean this in the best way possible, but you’re the worst at keeping secrets

**virgy virge:** how?????

**lo:** you know exactly why

**virgy virge:** oh yeah lol

**virgy virge:** i’ll go and ask him

**lo:** do you not have his number?

**virgy virge:** nah, we use instagram dms like normal human beings

**lo:** well my bad for not having instagram

**virgy virge:** god, don’t tell remy that or he’ll immediately set up an account for you

**lo:** yeah, i don’t really care for social media all that much

**lo:** there’s just too much drama and i’m not here for it

**lo:** quite literally

**virgy virge:** lmao nice

**virgy virge:** also

**virgy virge:** go to bed

**lo:** hmmmm how bout no

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** hngggggggggg

**sure jan:** oh god

**sure jan:** he’s simping again

**roro:** ??????

**raccoon:** every time you say hnggggggg you’re about to simp after someone

**roro:** rude

**raccoon:** am i wrong?

**roro:** i am a simp, but not right now

**raccoon:** damn

**raccoon:** anyways, what’s up?

**roro:** oh i’m just extremely bored and nothing is stimulating enough to make it go away

**roro:** i thought y’all’s never-ending problems could keep me entertained but i guess not

**virgy virge:** honestly, for the first time in a while, i don’t think i have any problems to deal with

**virgy virge:** like, the one time i need them and they ain’t here

**lo:** these contractions are killing me

**raccoon:** woah, you’re pregnant????

**lo:** what the fuck???

**lo:** god no

**lo:** i was talking about the grammar contractions

**raccoon:** yknow that makes a lot more sense

**lo:** i have a strong hatred with whoever came up with y’all and ain’t

**raccoon:** what about y’ain’t?

**lo:** go fucking die

**virgy virge:** wait, lo, you say those sometimes

**lo:** _i know_

**lo:** they’re so much easier to say but still

**lo:** it’s an insult to the english language

**sure jan:** to be fair, the english language is an insult to the english language

**lo:** fucking facts

**lo:** whoever invented english needs to fucking die

**lo:** and i’m not just saying that because english is my lowest grade right now, i swear

**virgy virge:** well now that you say it-

**lo:** see, this is why i don’t have friends

**raccoon:** be honest lolo, you couldn’t live without us

**lo:** actually, i could

**lo:** according to my plan, i absolutely could

**raccoon:** ugh i forgot about that freaky plan of yours

**roro:** i’m honestly surprised that you’ve strayed from it this much, honestly

**lo:** things change but the end goal has always stayed the same

**patpat:** that’s so foreboding

**raccoon:** where???? have you been?????

**patpat:** ghosting?????

**patpat:** i had no valuable input so i just didn’t say anything lol

**virgy virge:** honestly same

**roro:** to be fair, i never have any valuable input but i still talk

**lo:** not to pull a patton, but i swear to fucking god

**lo:** you literally started this conversation, of course you had a say in this

**roro:** huh

**raccoon:** it’s called validation, bitch, learn it

**roro:** how bout no

**raccoon:** i’ll literally tackle you

**roro:** lmao no you won’t

**roro:** wait why do i hear footsteps

**roro:** WHAT THE FUCK

**virgy virge:** those two are so confusing

**roro:** THE BITCH LITERALLY LUNGED AT ME

**raccoon:** bro i literally warned you

**roro:** I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T HOME??????

**raccoon:** wow, you were  _ way _ off

**roro:** i thought you were with virge and jan and i though i was safe

**sure jan:** ew why would i hang out with him???

**raccoon:** honestly fair

**sure jan:** wait nonono i was joking

**patpat:** wow, it’s just shit on the twins day, huh?

  
**lo:** apparently lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen,,,, this is kinda rushed and as a result it's weird and doesn't flow well,,, sorry


	55. nyquil is for quitters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo
> 
> sorry for taking so long lol, my sisters, myself, and my parents all have our birthdays within two weeks and it's been an adventure. i also have to self-quarantine cause i've come in close contact with someone who has attended the backstreet boys' reunion tour. houston's about to become a huge hotspot and greg abbot is playing red light green light rn
> 
> anyways
> 
> virgy virge: virgil  
> sure jan: janus  
> lo: logan  
> nyquil is for losers: remy

**virgy virge** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**virgy virge:** looooogan logan logan

**lo:** what?

**sure jan:** we have a question for you

**lo:** uh oh

**sure jan:** don’t worry, it’s not that bad

**lo:** what is it?

**virgy virge:** can you ask remy for dirt on someone?

**lo:** why can’t you ask him yourself?????

**lo:** you literally live in the same house

**virgy virge:** he’s mad at me rn

**lo:** why can’t janus do it?

**sure jan:** by extension, he’s mad at me too bc i associate with virgil

**virgy virge:** plus, for some reason he’s friends with you

**lo:** are you saying i can’t have friends?

**virgy virge:** wait nonono i meant that i can’t see why you two would interact with each other bc y’all are so different

**virgy virge:** plus, don’t tell patton but you’re my best friend

**lo:** oh

**lo:** oops

**lo:** what’d you do to make him mad?

**sure jan:** he and that kid he likes almost kissed but virgil barged in his room last minute

**virgy virge:** he’s extremely pissed at me

**lo:** so what are you trying to do to fix it?

**virgy virge:** what???

**lo:** you kind of messed up something that was important to remy so you should probably try and fix it

**virgy virge:** you’re probably right, but i don’t really want to mess it up any more

**sure jan:** i think it’s literally impossible to mess it up at this point

**virgy virge:** what great words of encouragement

**lo:** just try and set him up with the kid because it relates to the situation

**virgy virge:** hngggggg i don’t want to mess it up

**lo:** you’re overthinking it, virge

**virgy virge:** lo, i literally overthink everything, that’s my schtick

**lo:** that’s fair, actually

**lo:** just show him that you’re making an effort to make it up to him and it’ll be fine

**virgy virge:** huh

**virgy virge:** okay

**virgy virge:** i’ll try that

  
  


* * *

  
  


Virgil stood by the entrance of the cafeteria, nervously fiddling with his hoodie strings.  _ It’s fine, just fix this so he won’t be mad at you. It’s easy, just go up to him and just ask to talk to him, it’s not that hard- _

“What are you doing?”

Virgil jumped before turning and glaring at Janus. “Don’t sneak up on me, dude.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” He leaned up against the wall. “Plus, you look kind of creepy just looking out over a sea of children.”

“Why would you word it like that?” Virgil wrinkled his nose.

He shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess Remus is rubbing off on me. Besides, you didn’t tell me what you’re doing.”

“Well, the plan is to go tell that kid that Remy likes him because he’s mad at me right now and I hate it when he’s mad at me because he’s my brother and I love him but-”

“Virgil, darling, I’m going to need to take a deep breath in for me,” Janus gently cut off his rambling by putting a hand on his shoulder.

Virgil took a shuddering breath in. “Sorry.”

“You’re all good, it’s okay,” He rubbed circles softly on his arm. “Just tell me what you’re about to do and I can help you out with it.”

“Okay, so, I was going to go up to him and tell him that Remy has a crush on him and he’ll stop being mad at me.”

Janus shrugged. “Okay.”

He pushed himself off the wall and started towards the cafeteria. “Wait, Jay, what are you doing?”

“Just hold on, Virge,” Janus waved him off. “I got this.”

“God, he’s going to get in trouble, I just know it,” Virgil groaned, running after him.

Janus strode up to one of the AP’s. “Hi, Miss, can you make an announcement really quick? I need to see a kid from drama club but I don’t know where he sits.” He flashed a charming smile.

“Oh, of course, sweetie!” She smiled brightly. “Who do you need?”

“Thomas Sanders, right, Virge?” He turned to Virgil who just nodded.

“Got it!” She turned around, grabbing a microphone, and switching it on. “Attention B Lunch,” She announced. “Thomas Sanders, can you please come up to the front?”

There was a chorus of “ooh”s sounded throughout the cafeteria and Janus rolled his eyes. A kid quickly came up to them, face bright red.

“Hey, kid, come with us, we need to talk with you,” Janus started walking away, gesturing for Virgil and Thomas to follow him. “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble or anything.”

“Well, actually, it depends on your response,” Virgil butted in.

“What is this about?” Thomas asked nervously.

“Remy,” Virgil stated bluntly. “My brother, he likes you.”

“Oh.” He blinked.

“Yeah, so,” Virgil shifted uncomfortably. “I’m just going to leave you with that, please do something about it, even if you don’t like him, don’t lead him on or anything. Just don’t tell Remy about this, he’d kill me if he found out that I even looked your way.” Janus snickered at that and Virgil elbowed him harshly in the side.

“Okay,” Thomas said slowly, clearly trying to process what Virgil had said.

“Cool, so, do with that what you will or whatever the fuck they say.”

Janus snorted. “Very eloquent, V

“Don’t patronize me,” He narrowed his eyes.

“Can I go now?” Thomas pointed back to the cafeteria.

“Oh yeah, sorry dude,” Janus grinned. “Have a good day, dude.”

As soon as Thomas was out of earshot, Virgil turned to Janus. “I’m serious, though, if Remy found out that I’d talked to Thomas, I think I’d die.”

“Oh, one hundred percent.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**nyquil is for losers** to  **virgy virge**

**nyquil is for losers:** CURRENTLY SCREAMING

**virgy virge:** yeah, hi remy, nice to see you too

**nyquil is for losers:** yeah hi whatever

**nyquil is for losers:** BUT OH MY GOD

**virgy virge:** what happened lol

**nyquil is for losers:** YOU KNOW THAT KID I LIKE

**virgy virge:** thomas, right?

**nyquil is for losers:** HE JUST ASKED ME OUT SKKKKSKSKSK

**virgy virge:** !!!!!!

**virgy virge:** nice, dude!!!!!!

**nyquil is for losers:** i know!!!!!!!!

**nyquil is for losers:** i’m freaking out rn

**virgy virge:** why lol

**nyquil is for losers:** bc he said that someone told him that i like him

**virgy virge:** oh

**nyquil is for losers:** i need to find the leak

**virgy virge:** okay, i know you need to find out, but how about we focus on your date right now

**nyquil is for losers:** yeah, you’re probably right

**virgy virge:** um, excuse me, i’m always right

**nyquil is for losers:**

**nyquil is for losers:** sure

**virgy virge:** don’t patronize me 

  
**nyquil is for losers:** how about you don’t tell me what to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnggggg i've officially run out of ideas
> 
> also, i'm pretty sure that no one new is ever going to read this cause the chapter count is very high lol


	56. hot hooligans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second verse of checkmate by conan gray has such logince vibes ngl
> 
> patpat- patton   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> booboo the fool- remus (hehe)  
> roro- roman

**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** okay so i clearly missed something

**patpat:** why is janus suspended????

**lo:** he got in a fight

**patpat:** can you elaborate please?

**sure jan:** someone didn’t know how to shut the fuck up so i showed them how

**sure jan:** some would find it violent but i say it was a helpful gesture

**sure jan:** i was just showing them some friendly tips and tricks on how to break someone’s nose

**sure jan:** wasn’t my fault that i needed a life-size model

**booboo the fool:** bro that was chaotic even for me

**sure jan:** thanks uwu

**patpat:** why did you break his nose?????????

**sure jan:** he came after virgil and i was not here for it

**sure jan:** for some reason, we have a bunch of bigoted idiots stalking the hallways and it’s bullshit

**patpat:** is virge alright?

**virgy virge:** yeah lol

**virgy virge:** not gonna lie, jay, it was kinda hot

**roro:** EW

**roro:** *retches*

**sure jan:** thanks uwu

**sure jan:** i try to make up for my looks by acting like a hot hooligan

**booboo the fool:** god what a fucking mood

**roro:** um, remus, by extension, you’re calling me ugly

**booboo the fool:** i said what i said

**roro:** BITCH

**booboo the fool:** get fucked loser

**roro:** ugh

**roro:** you’re certified the worst

**booboo the fool:** lmao i know

  
  


* * *

  
  


**nyquil is for losers** to  **tea spill**

**nyquil is for losers:** uh

**nyquil is for losers:** so, since y’all are closest to virge, i should probably tell y’all that he’s not doing great rn

**sure jan:** what??

**nyquil is for losers:** despite what he’s saying, he’s pretty shaken up from school today

**nyquil is for losers:** like, i don’t know exactly what went on, but he’s not fine

**sure jan:** oh

**sure jan:** why would he lie?

**nyquil is for losers:** he’s very bad at realizing it

**nyquil is for losers:** he’s kind of emotionally constipated like  _ someone  _ here

**lo:** i?????? didn’t ask for this??????

**nyquil is for losers:** anyways

**nyquil is for losers:** he just seems super just,,,, blank,,,,,

**sure jan:** oh

**sure jan:** yeah, that’s not good

**sure jan:** what’s he doing right now?

**nyquil is for losers:** he’s got his lana del rey vinyls on and is just laying in bed

**nyquil is for losers:** arthur’s just giving him kisses bc he’s just a big sweetheart but that’s about it

**sure jan:** btw, where’s lo?

**lo:** i’m here, i’m just trying to figure out what to do in this situation

**lo:** does he want to be around anyone rn?

**nyquil is for losers:** uhhhhh hold on lemme ask him

**nyquil is for losers:** he said, and i quote, “fuck all if i care, who the fuck is gonna want to talk to me, no one fucking likes me so what’s the point”

**sure jan:** yikes

**lo:** yeah, that’s not good

**sure jan:** am i even allowed to come over anymore?

**nyquil is for losers:** honestly, idk but you can try

**lo:** why wouldn’t you be allowed?????

**sure jan:** long story

**nyquil is for losers:** needless to say, he didn’t make the best first impressions

**lo:** yikes

**nyquil is for losers:** anyways, please come over, he’s running out of lana del rey songs to cry to

**sure jan:** um, you can cry to any lana del rey song if you try hard enough

**nyquil is for losers:** lmao you’ve got a point

**nyquil is for losers:** however, that’s not the point

**nyquil is for losers:** i can’t handle sad virgil at his lowest and i’m not having fun here

**sure jan:** bro i’m like almost there dw

**lo:** i can try and make it, my mom’s being a bitch rn though

**lo:** she’s glaring at me while signing the divorce papers and it’s freaking me out a little

**sure jan:** that’s a certified yikes my guy

**lo:** k, yeah, i snuck out

**nyquil is for losers:** nice

**sure jan:** lo, please come, he’s not doing very good

**lo:** *very well

**sure jan:** eat shit and die

**lo:** um

**lo:** okay

**lo:** i’m almost there

**nyquil is for losers:** chill chill chill

**sure jan:** man, it’s truly sad virgil hours

**nyquil is for losers:** dude, comfort my brother, i brought you here for a reason

**sure jan:** oh, yeah, sorry lol

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** i stg i’m so upset

**booboo the fool:** who do i have to hurt?

**patpat:** nonononono

**patpat:** i’m just sick and tired of people treating me like a child

**patpat:** having a cute personality does not mean innocence

**patpat:** just because i’m nice doesn’t mean i don’t know what swear words are or what sex is

**patpat:** i’m not some dumb thot

**booboo the fool:** you okay, bud?

**patpat:** no >:(

**patpat:** logan, you should know too

**lo:** no, i understand

**lo:** apparently i’m too robotic and stiff to know anything slightly nsfw

**lo:** it’s exhausting

**booboo the fool:** little do they know, it’s completely the opposite

**sure jan:** hehe nice

**lo:** god, i need new friends

**virgy virge:** you would never because you loooooooove ussss

**lo:** honestly, i’m reconsidering that point

**virgy virge:** :(

**lo:** jkjk you’re my best friend

**lo:** plus, i have a boyfriend in this friend group, it’d be dumb if i left

**roro:** oh thank god

**lo:** yeah, don’t worry, i love you

**Delete Message?**

**{** **Yes** **}** **{No}**

**lo:** don’t worry, i’m not getting rid of you

  
**roro:** thanks uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnggggg your comments are the best


	57. haha jk,,,, unless?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just watched tati's video,,,, and holy shit??? shane dawson???? wtf????
> 
> however, more importantly, they put might med on netflix 
> 
> booboo the fool- remus  
> sure jan- janus   
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman

**virgy virge** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**virgy virge:** do you ever feel like your music is so loud it’s suffocating?

**virgy virge:** wait hold on i was having a panic attack

**sure jan:** uh

**sure jan:** you okay??

**virgy virge:** probably not lol

**virgy virge:** i’m very sleep-deprived

**virgy virge:** remy had a date last night and i helped him get ready and he made me stay up and wait for him

**booboo the fool:** oooh!!!!!!!

**booboo the fool:** how’d it go????

**virgy virge:** he said it was fun but didn’t really say much after it

**virgy virge:** he just immediately went up to his bed and screamed into a pillow

**lo:** ah, young love

**lo:** also, you should probably go to sleep

**sure jan:** i second that notion

**booboo the fool:** get the fuck outta here with that fancy talk

**booboo the fool:** but also yeah, you were no fun to make fun of today

**virgy virge:** wow, that’s the only reason you want me to get sleep???

**booboo the fool:** nah, it’s also because you’re my good friend and i care very deeply about you

**virgy virge:** oh

**virgy virge:** stop being sappy, i can’t handle it rn

**booboo the fool:** lmao whoops

**booboo the fool:** anyways

**booboo the fool:** i’m still bored

**sure jan:** yknow, my roots are showing

**booboo the fool:** oh????

**sure jan:** we could maybe,,, dye our hair again,,,,,,

**sure jan:** jkjk

**sure jan:** unless?

**lo:** i mean i guess

**lo:** however, i’m only doing it if everyone does it

**booboo the fool:** veevee, you up to leave your house?

**virgy virge:** ugh

**virgy virge:** i look like trash, but yeah

**sure jan:** we’ll all look like trash together

**booboo the fool:** speak for yourself, bitch, i always look amazing

**sure jan:**

**sure jan:** yeah, sure you are

**booboo the fool:** BITCH

**sure jan:** listen, roman isn’t in here to bully you so i’ve decided to pick up the slack

**booboo the fool:** or Or OR

**booboo the fool:** you could just be nice to me?????

**sure jan:** but then you would have to return the favor

**booboo the fool:** yeah, no, nevermind

**booboo the fool:** i like to make you miserable janjan

**sure jan:** this is why i regret being friends with y’all

**virgy virge:** hehe

**virgy virge:** no you don’t

**virgy virge:** i have evidence to back it up

**virgy virge:** when high, you said that you love us more than anything

**sure jan:** damn it

**sure jan:** listen, if you keep this up, i’m going to have to drop you guys as friends

**booboo the fool:** kay

**lo:** alright

**virgy virge:** i guess we’ll have to try harder

**sure jan:** that was not,,,,, the response i was expecting,,,,,,

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** someone entertain me

**patpat:** i was left home alone and i’ve exhausted all forms of entertainment

**booboo the fool:** have you tried disney plus?

**patpat:** bold of you to assume i haven’t seen everything on that streaming platform

**booboo the fool:** that’s fair lol

**roro:** i went back and watched hannah montana and holy shit, it was not as good as i remembered

**patpat:** really????

**roro:** yeah, it was just kind of cringe

**booboo the fool:** they just put mighty med on disney plus and i binged it all

**roro:** okay, now that’s actual trash

**booboo the fool:** don’t criticize my fucking lifestyle

**roro:** um, that’s the whole reason i exist

**booboo the fool:** to criticize me?

**roro:** yeah lol

  
**booboo the fool:** oh damn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> paranormal by HumorUs has such logince in the second verse
> 
> also it's just a great song


	58. question time ruined my life!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long to write this. i finally got animal crossing and i may be a little addicted. i just don't really know what to write and i'm just kind of,,,, bleh
> 
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> patpat- patton   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** question time!!!!! yay!!!!!

**virgy virge:** oh god, i hate question time

**roro:** speak for yourself, last time we had question time, i got a boyfriend

**sure jan:** ewwwww, gross

**roro:** don’t be mad cause your boyfriend isn’t as great as mine

**virgy virge:** dude, don’t make my insecurities any worse

**roro:** don’t tell me what to do

**virgy virge:** god, i’m leaving

**raccoon:** wait wait wait, serious question for research purposes

**raccoon:** what or who was your gay awakening?

**roro:** john boyega and oscar isaac

**virgy virge:** honestly, that’s valid

**roro:** yeah, remus made me watch that movie with him and holy shit,,,,,,,,

**raccoon:** hehe you’re welcome

**roro:** thanks uwu

**sure jan:** god, i hate you two

**raccoon:** don’t worry, you’ve made that very clear

**sure jan:**

**sure jan:** well now i feel guilty about it

**raccoon:** jkjk i don’t care lol

**raccoon:** anyways

**raccoon:** janjan, what was yours?

**sure jan:** first of all, don’t call me that or i will hit you

**raccoon:** ooohhh, kinky

**sure jan:** shut it

**sure jan:** but probably logan henderson

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** from big time rush??????

**sure jan:** don’t fucking judge me

**sure jan:** plus it was from the third and fourth season, so fuck off

**virgy virge:** hmmmmm, how bout no

**sure jan:** fine, then what’s yours if you’re so judgy about mine?

**virgy virge:** i don’t really think i ever had one

**virgy virge:** i think i just had a crush on a guy and was like ‘oh shit, i guess i’m gay’

**roro:** wait, who was the guy?

**virgy virge:** uh

**virgy virge:** definitely not when i first saw jay at logan’s debate competition

**roro:** PFT-

**virgy virge:** listen, i see a guy is a heated debate and my brain machine go broke

**roro:** honestly, same

**raccoon:** y’all are so fucking gay

**raccoon:** wait, so janus was your first and only gay crush?

**virgy virge:** i probably had some before, but he was when it really clicked

**virgy virge:** plus, it was still a couple of years before we got together so i had one or two in the middle, but jay was kind of the consistency

**roro:** bro,,,,, that’s actually,,,, kinda sweet

**virgy virge:** yeah, whatever

**lo:** he’s blushing so hard rn

**virgy virge:** DUDE SHUT UP

**roro:** wait, where’s jay?

**patpat:** oh, he’s in the shower, i doubt he’s read any of this yet

**virgy virge:** oh thank god

**virgy virge:** can someone delete all of these?

**raccoon:** wait, you can delete messages????????

**virgy virge:** yeah

**virgy virge:** logan did it the other day

**roro:** what’d you delete lol

**lo:** thank you so much for pointing that out, virgil, i really appreciate it

**lo:** i’m so glad we’re friends

**virgy virge:** oopsie

**roro:** okay, but now i’m curious, what’d you delete?

**lo:** nothing important, just a typo

**virgy virge:** PFT-

**virgy virge:** yeah, okay

**roro:** well now i have to know

**lo:** it’s honestly nothing, virgil just thinks it’s funny that i make mistakes

**virgy virge:** listen, your problems are my form of entertainment

**lo:** i’m glad to know that i’m only used for this

**patpat:** yeah, it’s not like we love you or anything

**patpat:** it’s not at all that we want to keep you around because we’re friends

**lo:** good, then i’m glad that we’re in agreement with that

**patpat:** don’t turn my words against me >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've seen the big time rush movie so many times
> 
> that's it. that's the tweet


	59. salmonella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, these guys are so ooc lol. also, wrote most of this after a panic attack so it may be completely incoherent 
> 
> coffee- remy  
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus   
> virgy virge- virgil

**Private Message**

**coffee** to  **lo**

**coffee:** hey, logan?

**lo:** yes?

**coffee:** what do you do if you went out with a guy that you really like, but literally  _ everything _ went wrong?

**lo:** is this rhetorical or????

**coffee:** you can help if you want, i just hate everything right now

**lo:** remy, if it makes you feel any better, a shitty first date doesn’t mean the whole relationship is ruined

**coffee:** i know, i know, i’m just frustrated

**lo:** ah

**lo:** you know about roman and me, right?

**coffee:** yeah, y’all are disgustingly cute

**lo:** overstated, but sure

**lo:** you know, our first date was the worst

**coffee:** wait, really???

**lo:** yeah, it was awful and roman was convinced i hated him and would never go out with him again

**coffee:** what happened????

**lo:** the movie we saw was the shittiest movie in the history of history, we both got food poisoning from dinner and mine turned out to be salmonella poisoning that put me in the hospital for a few days

**coffee:** PFT-

**lo:** yeah, remus would not stop making fun of roman

**coffee:** to be fair, that’s so????? fucking funny????

**lo:** yeah, it’s almost comical

**lo:** we probably had the worst first date in the history of ever and we’ve been together for a little more than a year

**lo:** additionally, one night doesn’t define who you are

**lo:** if he really likes you back, then he’ll understand

**lo:** i promise you, you’ll both look back on this one day and laugh at this

**coffee:** that’s what virge said, but he also has a great relationship so i don’t really trust him

**lo:** i mean, roman almost screwed it up, but yes

**coffee:** ?????

**lo:** honestly, that’s a story for another time

**coffee:** hmmm, i’ll just ask virge about it later

**coffee:** oh, and logan?

**lo:** yeah?

**coffee:** thanks, dude

**coffee:** this is why everyone calls you their dad

**lo:** what?

**coffee:** ah, nothing

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**sure jan** to  **virgy virge**

**sure jan:** heyyyyyyyyy virgil

**virgy virge:** heyyyyyyyyy janus

**sure jan:** can you bring patton over?

**virgy virge:** why lol

**sure jan:** i may or may not have accidentally locked myself in my bedroom and can’t get out

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** k we’re just going to ignore that

**virgy virge:** i should probably tell you that pat’s not with me

**virgy virge:** however, i have the next best thing

**sure jan:** logan?

**virgy virge:** nah, he’s touring colleges rn

**sure jan:** ugh, don’t remind me

**virgy virge:** anyway, i was talking about remy

**sure jan:** not to be rude, but why him????

**virgy virge:** he can pick locks really well and does it with no questions asked

**virgy virge:** plus my parents are gone and he’ll just follow me if i try to leave him by himself

**sure jan:** yeah, i’ve been there before

**virgy virge:** man, i love him, but holy shit, he has a lot of problems he has to deal with

**sure jan:**

**sure jan:** dude, you realize he’s you, just smaller?????

**virgy virge:** who is that more of a statement on

**sure jan:** you decide

**virgy virge:** hmmmmm,,,,,,, i’m just going to pretend that you never said anything about that and we can move on

**sure jan:** cool

**sure jan:** dude, i really have to pee, please let me out

  
**virgy virge:** oh yeah lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the neighborhood stray cat scratched the shit out of the side of my face and now i look wierd lol


	60. their definition of sappy shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woodlands, have fun with the democratic convention, houston doesn't want them anymore 
> 
> i realized that i love anxceit and the idea of lo and jay in debate club together. i then proceeded to do an entire chapter bc i make the laws of this land
> 
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus   
> virgy virge- virgil

**Private Message**

**sure jan** to  **lo**

**sure jan:** dude, you’re late for debate

**sure jan:** you’ve literally never been late and now i have to lead and i hate it

**sure jan:** lo

**sure jan:** logan

**sure jan:** logan bishop

**sure jan:** hello???????

**lo:** sorry, i’m running late

**sure jan:** yeah, i can tell

**sure jan:** are you good?????

**lo:** i was hanging out with virgil and i just lost track of time

**sure jan:** wow, so irresponsible

**lo:** dude, you’re late to school almost every morning

**sure jan:** and????

**lo:** hm

**sure jan:** oh my god, people are asking me things, please hurry up

**lo:** got it

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**sure jan** to  **virgy virge**

**sure jan:** heyyyyyyy

**virgy virge:** oh god, what do you want?

**sure jan:** what makes you think that i want something????

**virgy virge:** _dude_

**sure jan:** k, for once, i don’t want anything

**sure jan:** well, kind of

**virgy virge:** i fucking knew it

**sure jan:** nononono, not like that

**sure jan:** i’m bored, you wanna go out?

**virgy virge:** sure lol

**virgy virge:** where we going?

**sure jan:** idk, i just want to get out for a while

**virgy virge:** janus, what happened?

**sure jan:** what do you mean?

**virgy virge:** you just seem off

**sure jan:** everything’s just pissing me off rn

**virgy virge:** what’s going on?

**sure jan:** i’m just sick of everyone calling me a fucking idiot

**sure jan:** just because my grades are shitty doesn’t mean i’m dumb

**sure jan:** i’m not lazy or unorganized, i really am trying

**virgy virge:** of course you’re not dumb

**virgy virge:** jay, you’re probably one of the most cunning, smartest people i’ve ever met

**virgy virge:** don’t even try to fucking argue with me, you know i’m right

**virgy virge:** plus, you’ve told me before that grades don’t mean shit in terms of smarts

**sure jan:** i know, but look at logan, he’s got perfect grades and he’s ridiculously smart

**virgy virge:** we both know that he’s absolute shit when it comes to street smarts and lord knows you’re great at that

**virgy virge:** wait, who called you dumb and lazy????

**sure jan:** just teachers and family members

**virgy virge:** what family members?????

**sure jan:** no one, virge

**virgy virge:** was it patton?

**sure jan:** seriously, virgil

**virgy virge:** that son of a bitch

**sure jan:** he didn’t mean it, we were both mad at each other and yelling things

**virgy virge:** still, that doesn’t make it better

**sure jan:** no, but we both said some things that we didn’t mean

**sure jan:** we just need some cooling off time

**virgy virge:** can i still get mad at him?

**sure jan:** i’d prefer if you didn’t, but we both know that no one can control you

**virgy virge:** cool cool cool

**virgy virge:** also, thanks

**sure jan:** np

**virgy virge:** alright, enough with that sappy shit

**sure jan:** dude, there were about two words of sappy shit in there

**virgy virge:** yeah, and that’s too much for us

  
**sure jan:** honestly fair lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry patton, it had to be done
> 
> and please give me suggestions,,,, i'm dying


	61. honey butter chicken biscuit enthusiast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long, i was out of town lol
> 
> also, i've just been listening to super upbeat 80's music on repeat and it does wonders for my mental health
> 
> sure jan- janus   
> raccoon- remus   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> lo- logan

**raccoon** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**raccoon:** yo, you wanna start a cult with me?

**lo:** uh

**raccoon:** i take that’s a no?

**lo:** you’re probably right

**sure jan:** yeah, i’m not in the mood for anything illegal rn

**virgy virge:** same, honestly

**virgy virge:** we already got kicked out of arby’s yesterday

**sure jan:** we’re no longer allowed in the arby’s on clearwood

**raccoon:** damn it

**sure jan:** yeah, we need a new studying spot

**lo:** we could go the basic high school bitch route and go to waffle house

**raccoon:** nah, i’m not allowed there anymore

**virgy virge** : please don’t ask, i don’t wanna know

**lo:** i second that

**lo:** whataburger, maybe?

**raccoon:** yo, did you know that they sell cowboy boots now?

**virgy virge:** why the fuck

**raccoon:** they have a shop online that sells random whataburger shit

**sure jan:** god, texas is chaotic

**virgy virge:** hell yeah

**sure jan:** also, i’m down for whataburger

**virgy virge:** plus, if we stay past eleven, we can have their breakfast

**raccoon:** honey butter chicken biscuit fuck me UP

**lo:** oh my god, chill out

**sure jan:** k, but have you ever had a honey butter chicken biscuit?????

**lo:** yeah, but it was years ago

**virgy virge:** DUDE

**virgy virge:** this shit changes your life

**sure jan:** well, i don’t know about that, but they’re pretty fucking good

**lo:** sure

**raccoon:** this is unacceptable, we need to go have one

**lo:** you realize it’s two in the afternoon, right?

**raccoon:** you’re right, we have to wait until tonight

**raccoon:** unless you can time travel?

**virgy virge:** plot twist- this is like avengers endgame where time travel exists for some reason

**lo:** FUCKING FACTS

**virgy virge:** wait, no, i’ve heard the rant, i don’t think you need to say it

**lo:** ugh, fine

**lo:** i still hate that fucking movie

**raccoon:** yeah, it was fucking awful

**raccoon:** all my favorite characters, their legacies ruined

**lo:** also, just from a practical standpoint, it doesn’t make any fucking sense

**lo:** sorry, never mind

**lo:** it was just a perfectly good (but problematic) franchise that they decided to fuck up for some reason

**raccoon:** the russo brothers can eat my ass and NOT in a sexy way

**virgy virge:** ew

**sure jan:** yeah, that’s kinda gross

**raccoon:** eh whatever

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**lo:** does anyone have the notes for today?

**raccoon:** ngl, i fell asleep

**virgy virge:** yeah, me too

**sure jan:** dw lo, i’ve got you

**raccoon:** why were you gone?

**lo:** doctor’s appointment

**raccoon:** wait, didn’t you have one last week?

**lo:** this one was the optometrist

**raccoon:** why didn’t you just say that lol

**lo:** because who would care that i’m getting new glasses????

**lo:** it’s really not that interesting

**virgy virge:** why don’t you just get contacts?

**lo:** because it doesn’t fit my aesthetic

**raccoon:** ah, your aesthetic of hot nerd

**lo:** um

**lo:** no?

**virgy virge:** careful, remus is in horny rat bastard mode

**sure jan:** uh oh

**lo:** yeah, that’s not good

**lo:** also, i don’t think i’d ever get contacts

**sure jan:** why?

**lo:** i don’t know, i just don’t really want to stick something in my eye every day to actually be able to see things

**sure jan:** honestly, fair

**sure jan:** it’s not fun

**raccoon:** lol you wear contacts?

**raccoon:** fucking loser

**sure jan:** rude

**sure jan:** pat and i both have super shitty vision

**sure jan:** i just didn’t want to wear glasses anymore cause they made me look dumb

**lo:** wow, thanks

**sure jan:** wait, no, that’s not what i meant

**lo:** mhm

**sure jan:** like, i’m not looking for that nerd look

**lo:** dude

**sure jan:** like, they look good on you, i just would never use them

**lo:** hey, janus?

**sure jan:** i’m digging myself into a hole, aren’t i?

**virgy virge:** yup

**lo:** oh, definitely

**raccoon:** son, you done fucked up

**sure jan:** so we’re all in agreement here?

  
**raccoon:** hehe yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title was going to be skate fast, eat ass, but i decided not to do it


	62. question time pt. 2 of who knows at this point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i own an office shirt and i've never seen the show   
> idk why nor do i have any desire to watch it so please don't tell me to, i'm sick of hearing it
> 
> everything is pissing me off today
> 
> lo- logan   
> raccoon- remus   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** i’m in the mood for chaos, so it’s question time again!!!!

**virgy virge:** didn’t we have a question time like a week ago?

**raccoon:** yeah, but like i said, i’m in the mood for chaos

**virgy virge:** ah, chill chill chill

**raccoon:** k, so i’m ready to ruin relationships

**roro:** oh god

**raccoon:** other than your significant other, who do you think you would date?

**roro:** uhhhhh,,,,, probably janus

**lo:** virgil, just because he’s my best friend

**sure jan:** i don’t really think anyone else is really hot in this group, so i’m just gonna say myself bc i love myself

**roro:** bullshit, but okay

**sure jan:** shut up, i stg

**virgy virge:** i guess logan

**raccoon:** i’d probably do janny boy

**roro:** *cues best friend’s brother from victorious*

**raccoon:** uM,,,,,, i tHiNK We ALl cAN sInG????

**roro:** god, fucking victoria justice

**patpat:** honestly, i watched that show for everyone EXCEPT victoria justice 

**sure jan:** not to be controversial or anything, but virgy is a mix of beck and jade

**virgy virge:** i mean i guess

**sure jan:** dude, you know i’m always right

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** sure

**sure jan:** wow, rude

**roro:** it’s still so weird to me that y’all are dating

**sure jan:** how lol

**roro:** cause y’all used to hate each other so much

**raccoon:** it’s called hate-fucking

**roro:** EW EW EW EW

**sure jan:** plus, it’s actually  _ you _ who made us hate each other

**roro:** ?????? how??????

**lo:** roman, i love you, but you almost tore them apart completely

**roro:** wait wait wait

**roro:** hold up

**roro:** you love me?

**lo:** um

**lo** has left the chat!

**raccoon:** oh shit

**virgy virge:** oh fuck oh fuck

**patpat:** what?

**virgy virge:** this is not good

**virgy virge:** he’s like,,,,, not good at emotions and avoids talking about them at all costs

**virgy virge:** like, when he first figured out that he liked roman, holy fuck, i thought he was going to die

**virgy virge:** he literally had a full-on nervous breakdown

**virgy virge:** this definitely seems like an extreme feelings moment

**roro:** sorry virgil

**virgy virge:** whatever

  
**virgy virge:** i’ve gotta go and consolidate an emotionally constipated idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe sorry, i just didn't want to wait to post until i did the last part of this chapter thingy


	63. fuckfuckfuckfUCKFUCKFUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a GRATUITOUS amount of the word fuck. like, holy shit, it's used a lot
> 
> virgy virge- virgil  
> lo- logan  
> roro- roman

**Private Message**

**lo** to  **virgy virge**

**lo:** virgil, what do i do, what do i do, what do i do, what do i do

**virgy virge:** k, l, i’m gonna need you to calm down, buddy

**lo:** i know, i know, i’m just freaking the fuck out

**virgy virge:** why?

**lo:** you fucking know why

**virgy virge:** that’s fair

**virgy virge:** but seriously, why are you scared?

**lo:** i don’t know, i just am

**lo:** i didn’t mean to say  _ it _ **_,_ ** but now it’s out in the open and i can’t take it back

**virgy virge:** do you not mean it?

**lo:** i don’t know.

**lo:** it’s just saying it feels too permanent

**virgy virge:** i feel that

**lo:** i just can’t get it out of my head that high school relationships don’t last, so i don’t want to mess it up for the time being, you know?

**lo:** my feelings are frustrating and i hate it

**virgy virge:** dang, i always forget that we’re all going to go our separate ways once we go to college

**lo:** god, don’t remind me

**lo:** i just want to make the most of it while i’m actually in a relationship and don’t want to mess it up

**lo:** but i guess it’s too late now

**virgy virge:** k, lo, i know you don’t feel this way, but i don’t think you messed up at all

**lo:** virgil

**lo:** he’s probably going to break up with me now

**virgy virge:** bitch  _ what _ ????

**virgy virge:** roman is the most romantic motherfucker there’s ever been on this fucking planet

**virgy virge:** i guarantee you that he was fucking ecstatic when you said that

**virgy virge:** plus, janus texted me that ro’s worried out of his mind about you

**lo:** really?

**virgy virge:** yeah dude, he cares about you  _ so _ much

**lo:** oh

**virgy virge:** listen, you don’t have to tell him anything rn, but i don’t think you can ignore him forever

**lo:** i know, just maybe not right now

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**roro** to  **lo**

**roro:** i know you’re probably not going to read this since it’s like, two in the morning

**roro:** but i just want you to know that i’m not mad at you or anything for saying that

**roro:** oh my god, it’s literally the opposite of that

**roro:** i just want you to know i

**roro:** gah, this is so hard to say

**roro:** you know what i’m going to say, right?

**roro:** like, i don’t have to say this, do i?

**roro:** i probably have to though

**roro:** fuck it

**roro:** i think i love you too

**roro:** yikes, i don’t like that

**roro:** um, so, yeah

**roro:** again, i know it’s been a day or two and i know you’re not technically ignoring me?

**roro:** but i’m super worried about you

**roro:** i talked to virgil, but he wouldn’t say anything about it, just that you were fine and that you needed some time

**roro:** k, so,,

**roro:** i should probably get some sleep

**roro:** goodnight, lo

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**lo** to  **virgy virge**

**lo:** [screenshot.jpg]

**lo:** fuckfuckfuckfUCKFUCKFUCK

**virgy virge:** jesus, l, it’s like three in the morning

**lo:** FUCK

**virgy virge:** dude, it’s a very simple solution

**lo:** nope

**virgy virge:** lo

**lo:** no

**virgy virge:** logan, seriously, it’s not a huge issue

**virgy virge:** and that’s coming from  _ me _

**lo:** i just don’t want to mess it up and ruin everything

**lo:** like, he had to go and be the perfect fucking human being and now everything is SUCK

**virgy virge:** everything is suck?????

**lo:** YES

**virgy virge:** logan, i mean this in the best way possible, but i think you’re losing your mind

**lo:** oh i’m definitely losing my mind

**virgy virge:** maybe you should actually talk to him????

**lo:** yeah, i probably should???

**lo:** or????

**lo:** i could just ignore him forever?????

**virgy virge:** logan

**lo:** okay fine

**lo:** i hate that you’re right

**virgy virge:** hehe

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**lo** to  **roro**

  
**lo:** roman, i love you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oopsie


	64. rip to them but i'm different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just watched hush and holy shit,,,,,, it's so good
> 
> lo- logan  
> patpat- patton  
> raccoon- remus  
> roro- roman  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> sure jan- janus  
> nyquil- remy

**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** there’s too much love in the air and it makes me feel icky

**raccoon:** like, really though

**sure jan:** what’s going on?

**raccoon:** romance is dumb 

**patpat:** love is, and i hate to say it, bullshit

**virgy virge:** what happened to y’all lol

**raccoon:** it’s just when people try and make a relationship all about kissing and all of that

**patpat:** like, is it so crazy that we don’t want that?????

**patpat:** i just,,,,, don’t feel like that in a romantic way????????

**patpat:** (no offense remus)

**raccoon:** nah, you’re all good

**raccoon:** i really don’t feel that way either

**raccoon:** you’re like, my best friend that i love so much,,, but like,,, platonically

**patpat:** awww!!!!

**patpat:** same!!!!!

**virgy virge:** damn

**sure jan:** it really do be like that

**sure jan:** are you okay though?

**patpat:** yeah, people are just mean

**virgy virge:** i’m about to stab a bitch

**raccoon:** bet

**patpat:** nononono

**patpat:** it’s really fine, i already bought an entire half-gallon of cookie two-step

**raccoon:** okay, i’m totally coming over now

**patpat:** heck yeah

**virgy virge:** bluebell ice cream is everyone’s weakness

**sure jan:** fucking retweet

**roro:** didn’t they cause a listeria outbreak a couple of years back?

**virgy virge:** well yeah, but it’s fine

**virgy virge:** rip to them, but i’m different

**lo:** first of all, it’s not something they could help

**virgy virge:** you’re just saying that because you had a food-related disease

**lo:** fuck off

**roro:** yeah, sorry about that

**lo:** we’ve been over this a thousand times, it wasn’t your fault

**roro:** yeah, sure, whatever

**lo:** oh my god

**raccoon:** alright, that’s enough of that, fuckfaces

**roro:** ????? rude?????

**raccoon:** y’all have been way too prominent in this, chill out

**raccoon:** plus, different diseases are supposed to be  _ my _ thing

**roro:** how?????

**raccoon:** idk, i just like gross stuff

**roro:** of course you do

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**nyquil** to  **lo**

**nyquil:** heyyyyyy

**lo:** oh god

**nyquil:** okay, rude

**lo:** whatever

**lo:** what do you want?

**nyquil:** your black jean jacket

**lo:** wow, straight and to the point, huh?

**nyquil:** honey, there’s straight about it

**lo:** fair

**lo:** however, no, because virgil still has it

**nyquil:** oh that bitch

**lo:** sorry

**nyquil:** nah, it’s all good, i’ll just steal it from his closet

**lo:** won’t he be mad?

**nyquil:** yeah, but it’s my birthright as the younger sibling

**lo:** i will never understand you and virgil’s sibling dynamic

  
**nyquil:** honestly, me neither

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh
> 
> i'm very tired
> 
> please give me suggestions


	65. pee pee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo,,,,, might fuck around and come out rn,,,,
> 
> also, can y'all give me ideas on what to draw, i'm kind of goin through a block rn.  
> or don't, i really don't care
> 
> raccoon- remus   
> lo- logan   
> sure jan- janus   
> virgy virge- virgil

**raccoon** to  **was nick gay for gatsby**

**raccoon:** hehe,,,,, pee pee

**sure jan:** oh my fucking god

**sure jan:** you wake me up at 8 AM on a saturday to say pee pee??????

**virgy virge:** do you really expect any more from him?

**virgy virge:** he has the sense of humor of a child

**raccoon:** ouch

**lo:** you’ve got to admit, though, he’s kind of right

**raccoon:** he’s right, doesn’t mean he should say it

**virgy virge:** we both know i can’t control what i do

**virgy virge:** even  _ i _ don’t know what i’m going to do

**sure jan:** well that’s a disaster waiting to happen

**virgy virge:** wow

**sure jan:** lmao sorry

**virgy virge:** it’s all good, it’s all good

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**virgy virge** to  **sure jan**

**virgy virge:** hey hey hey

**sure jan:** what do you want

**virgy virge:** okay, why do you think i want something?

**sure jan:** darling, i love you, but you’re extremely consistent

**virgy virge:** that’s fair, actually

**virgy virge:** anyways

**virgy virge:** yeah, i actually do want something from you

**sure jan:** i fuckin knew it

**virgy virge:** but not like that

**virgy virge:** my parents are going to be out of town for the weekend, and i was wondering if you wanted to come over?

**sure jan:** sure lol

**sure jan:** do you want me to ask the rest of the guys?

**virgy virge:** uh, actually, could it just be us?

**sure jan:** oh

**virgy virge:** i mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s really fine

**virgy virge:** i was just asking because they’re taking remy with them and i just wanted to spend time with you

**virgy virge:** you know what, just forget it, it’s fine

**sure jan:** no no no, it’s fine, i really want to, you just caught me off guard

**sure jan:** i just thought that you’d want everyone over

**virgy virge:** why would i want that?

**sure jan:** because i’m really not that interesting

**virgy virge:** um, to pull a logan, fucking falsehood

**virgy virge:** there’s a reason you’re my favorite person and spoiler alert- it’s because you’re fucking amazing

**sure jan:** seems fake, but okay

**virgy virge:** i won’t hesitate to screenshot this and send it to patton

**sure jan:** oh god, please don’t

**sure jan:** i don’t need aggressive sibling love

**sure jan:** all i need is you loving me

**virgy virge:** EW

**sure jan:** lmaooooo sorry

**sure jan:** i promise i was being cringy on purpose

**virgy virge:** mhm, tell that to my gag reflex

**sure jan:** ehhe

**sure jan:** oh i meant to say hehe

**sure jan:** don’t know what happened there

**virgy virge:** anyways, do you want to come over?

**sure jan:** yeah, but why only me?

**virgy virge:** i don’t know, i just want to spend time with you, you know, alone

**virgy virge:** i feel like we never get to hang out by ourselves

**virgy virge:** other than the times when we’re mad at everyone

**virgy virge:** and most of the time logan was there

**sure jan:** yeah, that checks out

**sure jan:** but yeah, i wanna spend time with you, i’ve kind of missed you

**virgy virge:** god, you’re so sappy

**virgy virge:** fr though, i’ve missed you too

**sure jan** : aww, you’re so cute

**virgy virge:** i retract my previous statement

  
**sure jan:** rude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnggggg i love anxceit


	66. horny bastard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been playing love story by taylor swift on repeat bc i'm white trash
> 
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus   
> lo- logan   
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton

**virgy virge** to  **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**virgy virge:** okay, who the FUCK keeps airdropping me memes during class

**raccoon:** man, i should really have my airdrop on for times like these

**virgy virge:** honestly, i’m surprised it wasn’t you

**raccoon:** i wish bro

**sure jan:** hehe

**virgy virge:** you fucker

**virgy virge:** i literally couldn’t focus and now i’m going to fail that test

**sure jan:** yo, chill, just come over and i can help you study

**virgy virge:** wait really?

**sure jan:** well, yeah

**raccoon:** jesus, can y’all stop being so fucking gay for one second

**sure jan:** bitch, you know the answer to that already

**raccoon:** ugh

**raccoon:** lo, back me up on this

**lo:** i want no part in this

**virgy virge:** hehe, suck it

**raccoon:** cowards, the lot of you

**sure jan:** honestly, i’ll take that title instead of being a self-sacrificing idiot

**sure jan:** maybe i’m calling someone out, maybe i’m not

**virgy virge:** i swear, i’m gonna punch you in the dick

**sure jan:** ouch

**raccoon:** pp hurted

**sure jan:** actual child

**virgy virge:** i’m bored

**virgy virge:** i need something to entertain me

**raccoon:** you wanna binge criminal minds with me?

**virgy virge:** is that even a question?????

**sure jan:** can i come uwu

**raccoon:** hell yeah, dude

**raccoon:** lo, you wanna come?

**lo:** i’ve never seen it, but sure

**raccoon:** oh, you’re gonna love it

**raccoon:** we’ll start at the beginning

**virgy virge:** i can’t wait to see gideon again

**virgy virge:** not excited to see elle again, though

**virgy virge:** i fucking hate her

**raccoon:** HONESTLY

**raccoon:** anyways, y’all can come over at any time

**virgy virge:** hell yeah

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** where’s roman?

**raccoon:** why would you want to see that loser lol

**patpat:** idk, i just don’t know where he is

**sure jan:** while you’re at it, find logan

**sure jan:** he’s late for debate again and i’m going to lose it

**raccoon:** ooohh, what do you think they’re doing together?

**lo:** i’m helping him with his chemistry, that’s what we’re doing

**raccoon:** oh, so that’s what we’re calling it nowadays

**roro:** horny bastard

**roro:** also, i’m failing, you know this

**lo:** i keep trying to teach him, but he keeps getting distracted and it’s infuriating

**roro:** it’s because i keep getting lost in your eyes

**sure jan:** EW

**virgy virge:** GROSS

**roro:** don’t be mad bc i’m romantic and y’all arent

**virgy virge:** um i can be romantic

**roro:** mhm

**sure jan:** honestly, who needs to be romantic when you can just have a stable relationship where you don’t have to do crazy acts of love to prove your worth

**roro:** oh shit

**raccoon:** DAMN

**roro:** to be fair, we have a stable relationship, i’m just a dramatic bitch

**sure jan:** honestly, yeah

**lo:** it’s sweet, but it’s exhausting at some points

**roro:** :(

**lo:** oh, shut up, you know i love you

**roro:** :)

**virgy virge:** affection? gross, disgusting, i hate it

**sure jan:** honestly, y’all are gross

**lo:** wow, thanks

**sure jan:** yeah, no problem lol

**lo:** guess who’s gonna drop out of debate now

**sure jan:** WAIT NO

**sure jan:** BAD IDEA

**sure jan:** i would rather die than be in charge, you know this

**sure jan:** i just want to argue with people in a professional setting

**lo:** don’t worry, i genuinely enjoy it, i’m not quitting

**lo:** besides, i already talked to mrs. tyler, she’s okay with me being a couple of minutes late because of tutoring

**raccoon:** yay, now you two have more time to make out!

**roro:** you’re such a horny bitch

**raccoon:** and what about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (they were totally making out)
> 
> y'all's comments are literally the best btw, keep it up


	67. eat azz daily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this fic was originally going to be intrulogical, roceit, and moxiety but i switched it last minute to logince, anxceit, and intruality lol
> 
> lo- logan  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> raccoon- remus  
> roro- roman  
> patpat- patton  
> sure jan- janus

**virgy virge** to **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** finally got animal crossing

**patpat:** !!!!!!

**patpat:** what’d you name your island?

**sure jan:** hehe

**virgy virge:** pen island

**raccoon:** HAHAH

**roro:** ????

**roro:** is that some kind of inside joke???

**lo:** ro

**lo:** you’re joking, right

**roro:** no??? i’m not???

**raccoon:** NOBODY TELL HIM

**roro:** pat, are you getting this??

**patpat:** yes?????

**patpat:** how do you not????

**roro:** can someone please tell me what the fuck it means?????

**lo:** put the two words together

**roro:** penisland

**roro:** oh

**roro:** OH

**raccoon:** how have you lived with me for seventeen years without knowing what that means????

**lo:** i just know it from the pennsylvania class of ‘15 shirts

**virgy virge:** man, i wish i was in college for that

**raccoon:** can you imagine having a PEN15 shirt???

**raccoon:** i think i would lose my shit

**roro:** wait, pat, how do you know what it is?

**patpat:** first of all, we already know how i feel about people thinking i’m a dumbass

**roro:** wait, no, that’s not what i meant

**patpat:** nah, it’s fine

**patpat:** but i’ve been best friends with ree for years, how could i not know it????

**roro:** damn, i guess i really am the dumbest bitch alive

**virgy virge:** yeah, we been knew

**roro:** jesus, okay dude

**roro:** you don’t gotta be a bitch about it

**virgy virge:** you know i do

~~  
  
~~

* * *

~~  
  
~~

**raccoon** to **was nick gay for gatsby?**

**raccoon:** when she says go deeper, and it’s like, bitch you know i done run out of dick

**sure jan:** what the fuck prompted this

**sure jan:** please tell me so i can make sure to never say it ever again

**raccoon:** oh, i just thought it was funny so i wrote it down

**sure jan:** just use the notes app??????

**raccoon:** um??? don’t tell me what to do????

**raccoon:** unrelated, but how do you think celebrities who have androids apologize on twitter and instagram?

**raccoon:** cause they all use the notes app on iphones

**virgy virge:** wait that’s actually a good question

**virgy virge:** lo?

**lo:** i don’t fucking know

**lo:** why would i????? do i look like fucking wikipedia?????

**lo:** i would rather die than have an android

**virgy virge:** honestly

**virgy virge:** people with androids are fucking losers

**virgy virge:** absolute cowards

**virgy virge:** (jkjk y’all are fine)

**sure jan:** idk, sometimes face id doesn’t like me

**raccoon:** well yeah, but special circumstances

**sure jan:** yo, just say i look like a freak, i get it

**raccoon:** BITCH

**raccoon:** shut up or i’ll eat your ass

**sure jan:** isn’t that like, normal for you, though?

**raccoon:** eat azz daily

**raccoon:** actually

**raccoon** has changed the chat’s name to **eat azz daily**!

**virgy virge:** oh my god

**virgy virge:** this is gonna take some getting used to

**sure jan:** i mean, it’s technically family friendly????

**raccoon:** it’s teetering on the line

**sure jan:** everything you say is teetering on the line

**sure jan:** actually, most of the time, you’re way beyond that line

**raccoon:** it’s my reputation

**lo:** i still don’t understand how you’re so confident in yourself

**raccoon;** tis all a facade

**raccoon:** honestly, the more confident i act, the more confident i actually am

**raccoon:** you just gotta pretend to not give a fuck and one day, you’ll just naturally not give a fuck

**virgy virge:** man, where was that advice three years ago????

**virgy virge:** i was the most insecure bitch in the world

**raccoon:** okay, clearly you’ve never met roman

**virgy virge:** actually, yeah, you’re right

**sure jan:** i remember becoming his friend and thinking, holy shit, what a personality this dude has

**raccoon:** big yike my guy

**raccoon:** also, i’m totally telling roman that

**sure jan:** sure, i don’t give a fuck

**sure jan:** i’ve said worse things about him to his face

**virgy virge:** lmao remember when you had a crush on him

**raccoon:** wait WHAT

**sure jan:** DUDE SHUT UP

**virgy virge:** hehe

**raccoon:** you had a crush on roman?????

**sure jan:** yeah, it was a very dark period in my life

**sure jan:** then logan got introduced to him and it was _very_ clear that he only had eyes for lo

**sure jan:** then i turned my attention to my one true love

**virgy virge:** aslkdjlf

**virgy virge:** fucking cheesy bitch

 ~~  
~~ **sure jan:** hehe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to come up with this, i literally went back through my old group chat messages and based this chapter off of them


	68. yank that nose ring OUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: don't rip out people's nose rings, it hurts like hell
> 
> controversial opinion- the best episode of big time rush is big time live. other option is big time love song
> 
> lo- logan   
> patpat- patton   
> roro- roman   
> raccoon- remus   
> virgy virge- virgil  
> sure jan- janus   
> nyquil- remy

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** FUCK

**raccoon:** OW OW OW

**patpat:** you okay????

**roro:** lmao he accidentally yanked on his nose ring

**virgy virge:** oooohhhhh,,, yikes

**raccoon:** FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD

**roro:** sucks to suck, loser

**raccoon:** i’ll yank yours out, don’t test me bitch

**roro:** i retract my previous statements

**roro:** please don’t touch my nose ring

**roro:** scratch that, don’t come anywhere near my face

**roro:** just don’t come anywhere near me

**raccoon:** :(

**roro:** jk bro, you’re awesome 

**raccoon:** you too, bro

**virgy virge:** man, imagine having a stable relationship with your sibling

**raccoon:** ????? you and remy?????

**virgy virge:** yeah, he hates me half of the time, so i wouldn’t go far as to say that we get along

**raccoon:** damn, it really do be like

**virgy virge:** indeed it do

**lo:** i wouldn’t say that he hates you, he just gets annoyed with, and i quote “his constant worrying about my feelings or whatever bullshit”

**virgy virge:** ???? 

**virgy virge:** what a bitch

**virgy virge:** honestly, i try to look after him because i wish i had someone when i was his age to tell me not to do stupid shit

**raccoon:** yeah, lord knows you needed it

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**nyquil** to  **virgy virge**

**nyquil:** k, just for the record, lo’s right, i don’t hate you

**virgy virge:** ????

**nyquil:** he told me what you said

**nyquil:** like, that’s cool and all, but i don’t need your constant doting or whatever

**nyquil:** sometimes, i just need to figure things out for myself

**virgy virge:** okay.

**virgy virge:** sorry for caring.

**nyquil:** jesus, you always make it about yourself, don’t you

**virgy virge:** yeah, sorry for trying to be the person i needed when i was your age

**nyquil:** you do realize we’re not the same person, right?

**virgy virge:** i just don’t want you to crash and burn like i did

**virgy virge:** you know that my freshman year sucked, i just don’t want you to become borderline depressed

**nyquil:** aren’t you full-time depressed?

**virgy virge:** well, yeah, but that’s not the point

**virgy virge:** plus, you don’t need depression, you’re already extremely sleep-deprived

**virgy virge:** those two do  _ not _ pair well

**nyquil:** oh damn

**nyquil:** virge, i’m not saying that i don’t appreciate it, i really do, it’s just that sometimes, i need space

**nyquil:** and, i will say that your advice has saved me at some points

**virgy virge:** maybe i’m just a god

**nyquil:** mmm, no, you’re really not

**virgy virge:** rude

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **eat azz daily**

**virgy virge:** lo, you almost ruined our relationship entirely

**lo:** oh

**lo:** whoops

**sure jan:** wait, what’s wrong with our relationship???

**virgy virge:** no no no, we’re fine, i was talking about remy and me

**raccoon:** wouldn’t it be remy and i?

**lo:** no, because you wouldn’t say “i was talking about i”

**lo:** if you’re ever curious about your phrasing, just take out the other person and see if it sounds right

**lo:** also, the whole “your you’re” thing

**lo:** “your” is usually the possessive case while “you’re” describes something about you

**lo:** like “oh, is this pizza yours?” and “you’re (you are) beautiful”

**raccoon:** man

**lo:** sorry, quick little grammar lesson there

**lo:** it annoys the fuck out of me when people have shitty grammar

**virgy virge:** bitch,  _ same _

**virgy virge:** remember when we had to proofread other people’s essays in english?

**virgy virge:** i almost lost it

**lo:** i almost threw hands with my partner

**raccoon:** lmao why

**raccoon:** not that i’m complaining at all, i would love to see that

**lo:** he expected me to do all the work

**lo:** he wanted me to read and correct both of ours

**lo:** _that’s not even the point of the exercise_

**lo:** the point is to get a different perspective on your ideas for the essay

**lo:** so, naturally, i gave him all of the wrong advice because at that moment, i hoped he would die

**sure jan:** um, holy shit

**sure jan:** petty petty petty petty

**lo:** yeah, i also told our teacher that he refused to participate so he got a zero

**virgy virge:** logan really is the pettiest bitch

  
**lo:** i wear that badge with pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i aspire to be as petty as logan


	69. logan finally snaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been uploading a lot lately, i'm proud of myself
> 
> lo- logan   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton   
> sure jan- janus

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** can someone PLEASE tell me not to slap a bitch

**raccoon:** DO IT

**raccoon:** SOMEONE FILM IT, I WANNA SEE IT

**patpat:** hey?????? maybe don’t????

**sure jan:** it may,,,,, be a little too late for that

**virgy virge:** holy FUCK that was wild

**roro:** ????? what happened?????

**virgy virge:** logan may or may not have gotten in a fight

**sure jan:** no, he definitely did

**patpat:** is he okay?

**virgy virge:** oh, he is, but that guy isn’t

**sure jan:** who knew nerds were that strong

**sure jan:** it was especially hilarious how remus came bolting down the hallway to start recording

**raccoon:** listen, i love it when people fight

**raccoon:** plus, i’ve been waiting for logan to finally snap

**raccoon:** i just wasn’t expecting for him to snap that hard

**virgy virge:** yeah, when he said slap a bitch, he lied

**virgy virge:** he backhanded that dude so hard

**patpat:** is lo hurt at all?

**virgy virge:** his nose is bleeding, but i think that’s all

**roro:** fuck,,,,,

**patpat:** ????

**roro:** he looks,,,, really hot rn,,,,,

**roro:** i saw him while an ap escorted him down to the front office and man,,,,

**raccoon:** look out, roman’s simping again

**roro:** bro, i straight up don’t need this from you right now

**raccoon:** oops

**patpat:** do you think lo’s gonna get in trouble?

**virgy virge:** i mean, most definitely, but it was really warranted

**roro:** what happened????? 

**virgy virge:** i think we’re all aware by now that there are assholes that go to our school, so i don’t think i need to clarify on that point

**lo:** see what happened was that he was being an arrogant dick who was too much of a coward to say something to my face and instead talked about me behind my back

**lo:** maybe, next time, he’ll learn to do it out of earshot

**raccoon:** oh damn

**lo:** but yeah, i’m suspended because i argued my case

**virgy virge:** they punished you for defending yourself???

**lo:** no, i got my sentence lessened because i argued my case

**lo:** plus, it was literally the only offense i’ve had in the three years we’ve gone to school here

**lo:** i haven’t even had a tardy

**raccoon:** fucking loser

**raccoon:** you narc

**lo:** i???? didn’t ask for this????

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** oh my GOD i’m so bored

**lo:** i really shouldn’t have gotten suspended, i’m so bored

**roro:** do you want me to skip?

**lo:** probably not, you shouldn’t deliberately skip school

**roro:** k, but do you want me to?

**lo:**

**lo:** kind of

**virgy virge:** can i come uwu

**lo:** virgil, you’re borderline failing most of your classes

**virgy virge:** yeah, you’ve got a point, nevermind

**sure jan:** lmao loser

**virgy virge:** BITCH

**raccoon:** so, roman, logan, y’all gonna fuck or nah?

**roro:** ???? no????

**roro:** plus, even if we were, i don’t think i’d tell you

**raccoon:** THEY’RE GONNA FUCK CONFIRMED

**roro:** WAIT THAT WASN’T WHAT WAS INTENDED

**sure jan:** lmao good job roman

**roro:** shut up

**roro:** i’m trying my best here

**lo:** are you???

**roro:** okay RUDE

**lo:** jkjk, you always give too much

  
**roro:** i’m a people pleaser, what can i say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've played all of my lana del rey vinyls so may times lol


	70. meet me in the car park, mickey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cannot BELIEVE i wasted chapter 69 on that mess of a chapter and i'm so mad
> 
> lo- logan  
> patpat- patton  
> roro- roman  
> sure jan- janus  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> raccoon- remus

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** i know i’m like, a month or so late to this, but holy shit

**raccoon:** percy jackson and disney????

**raccoon:** fuck me UP fam

**raccoon:** i swear, if disney fucks this up, i’ll beat them into the ground

**raccoon:** come meet me by the monorails mickey, i’m about to fuck you up

**sure jan:** i hate to be that person, but couldn’t this wait til morning???

**sure jan:** yknow, when normal people are awake???

**raccoon:** bc i was going to forget it in the morning???

**raccoon:** smh, unrealistic standards set

**roro:** honestly, i agree with janus on this one

**roro:** i’m extremely tired of hearing you cackle to yourself at two in the morning

**raccoon:** hmm, no, it’s like a fun wakeup call for you

**roro:** why the fuck would i need an alarm clock set that early???

**raccoon:** idk, just to keep things interesting

**roro;** ugh

**raccoon:** y’all hear something??

**raccoon:** cause it kind of sounds like there’s a baby bitch complaining

**roro:** YOU IS THE BITCH

**raccoon:** NO YOU

**virgy virge:** go tO BED YOU FUCKING INCELS

**raccoon:** yeah, like roman’s an incel

**roro:** what are you calling me??? what the fuck are you insinuating?????

**raccoon:** bro, just that you’re not a virgin, chill out my guy

**roro:** ah, chill, i was about to throw hands

**raccoon:** dude, i’m not that much of an asshole

**roro:** thanks uwu

**sure jan:** wait roman what did you think he was going to say???

**raccoon:** dw about it

**lo:** GO TO BED

**raccoon:** jeez, who pissed in your cereal

**lo:** i will not hesitate to report you to animal control and get your raccoon taken away

**raccoon:** NOT BEANS

**roro:** get fucked loser

**lo:** don’t think that i won’t break up with you

**roro:** wait nonono

**lo:** mhm

**lo:** i’m just gonna let you sit with that one for a while

**patpat:** i’m with logan on this one, please shut the fuck up

**roro:** every time you swear, it gives me whiplash

**patpat:** good

**patpat:** that’s the goal

**patpat:** we’re going for shock value but not problematic

**raccoon:** lmao imagine hiding your racist past by saying it was edgy and shock value humor

**roro:** god, it’s too late for this argument, can we not do this right now???

**raccoon:** yeah, sorry lol

**lo:** please,,, just go to bed,,

**roro:** lmao okay dad

**raccoon;** more like daddy

**lo:** and with that, let’s end that here

  
**raccoon:** you just hate me cause you ain’t me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnggg i have nothing to put here


	71. possible brain damage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep thinking, "oh, i thought that part was funny, i'm kind of sad that no one commented on that part" and thrn realize that i haven't uploaded that chapter yet
> 
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton   
> raccoon- remus   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** remus be like “i know a place” and then knocks you out and you wake up in a ditch and have to wander back home at two in the morning

**roro:** bonus points if he takes your phone

**raccoon:** hehe

**sure jan:** why?????

**raccoon:** idk man

**raccoon:** i got bored

**roro:** so you decided to give me possible brain damage????

**raccoon:** yeah lol

**patpat:** that’s probably not good

**lo:** yeah, you should probably go get checked out by a medical professional

**lo:** you might have a concussion

**roro:** nah, i’ll be fine

**virgy virge:** honestly, if he grows up to become a serial killer, i’m going to be very upset

**virgy virge:** listen, if your kid gets hit in the head, send em back

**sure jan:** hell yeah, karen and georgia

**raccoon:** ????

**sure jan:** you’ve never heard of mfm?????

**raccoon:** ??? no???

**virgy virge:** dude, it’s right up your alley

**raccoon:** what is it lol

**sure jan:** it’s a true crime comedy podcast

**patpat:** oh jeez

**sure jan:** that makes it sound completely horrifying, but it’s fine

**sure jan:** they’re two ladies, karen and georgia, and they talk about true crime, mostly murder

**virgy virge:** they talk about their childhoods and other shit and it’s a nice distraction from the world rn

**raccoon:** wait, what’s it called?

**virgy virge:** my favorite murder

**raccoon:** hm

**raccoon:** i’ll have to check it out

**virgy virge:** just be warned, episode 25 has loud noises towards the end

**raccoon:** ????

**virgy virge:** you’ll see, don’t worry

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** honestly, i feel like adding uwu to the end of your sentence makes it seem harmless and cute

**sure jan:** i’ll murder you all in your sleep uwu

**virgy virge:** please don’t uwu

**raccoon:** let’s push that event to now uwu

**roro:** nvm uwu is now banned

**lo:** why would ever bring it up, you know how this chat is

**roro:** idk man, i just thought it was a good observation

  
  


* * *

  
  


**patpat** to  **sad clown hours**

**patpat:** it truly is sad clown hours :(

**raccoon:** oh my god, who am i gonna beat up, i’m fucking ready bitch

**raccoon:** post up, depression, imma beat your ass

**lo:** what’s wrong, pat??

**patpat:** you know those days where you just want to quit?

**patpat:** when you’re just so tired that you feel like you can’t do anything?

**patpat:** i feel like those days are more often than not rn

**patpat:** i’m just tired

**raccoon:** :(

**raccoon:** i;m really sorry, patty

**lo:** i know you’re probably sick of hearing me say this, but i do think you need to talk to someone about this

**lo:** if this is a genuine problem that affects your everyday life, you need to address it

**lo:** if you don’t want to talk to a therapist, you can always talk to us, lord knows we’re awake until the early hours of the morning

**lo:** we’re here whenever you need us

**raccoon:** hell yeah, you know i’d never leave you hangin

**patpat:** thanks guys

**patpat:** sorry for bothering you about this

**virgy virge:** dude???? you’re fine???

**virgy virge:** plus, roman bitches all the time about his problems in here, so it’s only fair to let everyone do it

**roro:** okay, ouch

**roro:** like, it’s true, but dang

**lo:** virgil, be nice to him

**virgy virge:** traitor >:(

**roro:** suck it, loser

**lo:** both of you be nice to each other

  
**virgy virge:** lmao okay dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i, too, would let remus beat up my depression


	72. mutual horniness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had a couple of people ask me this, but if you remember, they're all in band and logan plays oboe, roman's a trumpet, janus is bassoon, pat and remus are saxophones and virgil is a french horn. also, remy's a clarinet
> 
> lo- logan  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> sure jan- janus  
> patpat- patton  
> roro- roman  
> raccoon- remus

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** i know this is like a topic of last week, but what camp half-blood cabin do you think y’all would be in

**raccoon:** bc i have opinions on the matter

**lo:** just tell us, don’t disguise it

**raccoon:** thanks uwu

**raccoon:** janus would definitely be a hermes kid just because

**sure jan:** listen, just because i enjoy pickpocketing random rich people at the galleria doesn’t mean that i’m a thief or anything

**lo:** actually

**lo:** you know what, nevermind

**raccoon:** pat would definitely be demeter

**patpat:** !!!! plants!!!!

**raccoon:** honestly, lo’s most likely athena but i could also see apollo

**lo:** ????

**raccoon:** idk, you just seem like you have musical talent, good aim, all of that shit

**lo:** isn’t apollo kind of a dumbass??

**raccoon:** well, yeah, but all gods kind of are

**raccoon:** at least in greek mythology, that’s no comment on pagan religions, please don’t attack me

**raccoon:** however, i know for sure ro and i would be apollo bc we’re dumbasses full time

**roro:** hell yeah

**virgy virge:** let me guess, i’m hades or some bullshit, whatever

**raccoon:** nah, cause you and remy are wayyyy to similar and there’s no way that he would be a hades kid

**raccoon:** and idk bout you, but remy’s definitely aphrodite bc holy shit, he fits it to a t

**virgy virge:** wait, hold on,

**raccoon:** idk jan, do you think virge’s incredibly attractive and flirty?

**sure jan:** oh, absolutely

**virgy virge:** ????? horny????

**sure jan:** ???? yes????

**virgy virge:** well, i’m glad we’re on the same page

**raccoon:** honestly, y’all are horny for each other

**sure jan:** i think that’s just called a romantic relationship

**virgy virge:** yeah, it’s just permanent horniness

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** lowkey freaking out rn

**roro:** you okay?????

**lo:** honestly, not really

**lo:** my tire just got shredded on the highway and now i’m stuck and i’m very emotional and everything fucking sucks

**lo:** my dad’s out of town so he can’t pick me up

**lo:** i can’t really get out of my car cause i don’t want to get hit and i may or may not be crying rn

**lo:** i’m straight up not having a good time

**sure jan:** is there anyone else who can pick you up?

**lo:** my mom.

**sure jan:** oh

**lo:** i think i just have to deal with it and call her

**lo:** i’ve already called a towing company, but i still need a ride

**sure jan:** oh, i’ve got you

**sure jan:** drop a pin, i’ll come and get you

**lo:** you really don’t have to, i can just call an uber

**sure jan:** honestly, lo, i don’t want someone to accidentally hit you

**sure jan:** i’d rather help you out than you being stuck on the highway until an uber eventually comes or you get hit

**lo:** fine

**sure jan:** okay, i’ll be there soon

**raccoon:** man, that’s a good friendship right there

  
**virgy virge:** i live for my two boys getting along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the logan thing may or may not be inspired by what i had to go through yesterday. it fucking sucked. also, i've been in an anxceit mood and i'm APPALED that most of it is u!janus and i just want fluff. i understand the hype, but at the same time, somft boyos


	73. fake news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got an anon on tumblr complementing me and!!! validation!!!!!
> 
> also, the gays are horny again
> 
> lo- logan   
> roro- roman   
> raccoon- remus   
> virgy virge- virgil   
> sure jan- janus

**Private Message**

**roro** to  **lo**

**roro:** heyyyy lolo

**lo:** oh god

**lo:** what have you done this time????

**roro:** first of all, i didn’t do anything this time

**roro:** i do appreciate it though, you have saved my ass several times

**lo:** yeah, you’ve done the same to me many times

**roro:** but, you wanna hang out tonight? remus is gonna be out with pat and i’ll be  _ all alone _ in such a  _ big ole house _

**lo:** are you trying to guilt-trip me?

**roro:** depends

**roro:** is it working?

**lo:** maybe

**lo:** what would we be doing?

**roro:** whatever you’d like ;)

**lo:** god

**roro:** jkjk

**roro:** fr though, i don’t really care what we do, i just want to hang out with you

**roro:** i’m still mad at you for leaving for a week

**lo:** yeah, like i had a choice 

**roro:** anyways

**lo:** yeah, i’ll be over soon, dw

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** EW EW EW EW

**virgy virge:** ??????

**raccoon:** I REALLY WISH I COULD JUST WALK INTO MY OWN HOUSE WITHOUT SEEING TWO JERKS MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH

**lo:** oh my god

**raccoon:** DON’T ACT LIKE I’M OVERREACTING, I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE HIM PINNING YOU DOWN

**lo:** SHHHHHHHUT UP

**roro:** yeah, i’m gonna need you to stop talking

**raccoon:** i can stop once i get that stupid image out of my head

**sure jan:** hey, remus???

**sure jan:** maybe next time,,,, don’t tell us????

**virgy virge:** yeah, idk if i really needed to know this

**raccoon:** listen, if i have to suffer, you have to suffer with me

**virgy virge:** but??? i don’t want to suffer????

**virgy virge:** like, i know it’s what i’m best at, but jeez

**sure jan:** ????? you’re valid???? so shut up????

**virgy virge:** call me trump, cause that’s fake news

**sure jan:** dude, you’re ageing this

**sure jan:** also, don’t invoke his name

**virgy virge:** lmao sorry

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sad clown hours**

**sure jan:** can someone PLEASE tell roman to shut up and stop crying

**roro:** dude, trust me, i’ve tried

**virgy virge:** ?????

**sure jan:** he’s crying so much rn and it’s annoying

**virgy virge:** is he okay????

**sure jan:** yeah, he’s just being a baby bitch

**sure jan:** he was making me watch doctor who with him bc he was convinced that he needed to watch it to impress someone and he’s just sobbing at doomsday

**roro:** ????? don’t??? expose me like this????

**sure jan:** don’t??? tell me what to do????

**roro:** can someone please back me up here????

**lo:** yeah, to be fair, that episode is just crushing

**lo:** also, who were you trying to impress?

**sure jan:** dude

**sure jan:** you’re fucking kidding, right??

**lo:** no?

**virgy virge:** like i said, book smart but not street smart

**lo:** i’m trying my best

**virgy virge:** oh, i know

**virgy virge:** dw, it’s not that important, janjan is just making a bigger deal out of it

  
**lo:** oh, okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i'm crashing and burning on this bc i just don't know what to write. like, i went back to find something and realized that my earlier chapters were horrendous and :/. idk man. i'm just tired


	74. ???? acab????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's super hot outside rn and i feel disgusting and sticky. i also got pizza last night and found hair was baked into it. it has not been a fun couple of days.
> 
> honestly, if you don't know the names yet, that's on you. i'm not really in the mood to put them rn

**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** THE GAYS ARE PANICKING AGAIN

**sure jan:** INDEED

**roro:** what did y’all do?????

**virgy virge:** _SOMEONE_ DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO VIOLATE _SEVERAL_ TRAFFIC LAWS AND NOW IT’S NOT FUN

**virgy virge:** I DON’T THINK THAT I LIKE BEING A PASSENGER IN A MOTOR VEHICLE ANYMORE

**patpat:** ???? are you okay????

**sure jan:** we went on an adventure with remus and lo and it’s not a fun time rn

**roro:** is lo okay????

**sure jan:** i think so

**sure jan:** nope, he just threw up out of the window

**roro:** yeah, he gets super carsick, i’ve unfortunately learned this many times

**lo:** I’LL STOP THROWING UP AS SOON AS THIS DUMBASS BITCH STOPS DOING DONUTS IN THE FUCKING PARKING LOT

**lo:** HE’S ALREADY HIT THREE CARS

**lo:** YOUR INSURANCE RATES ARE GOING TO SKYROCKET

**roro:** yeah, idk how remus got his license

**raccoon:** it’s called bribery bitch

**roro:** ???? illegal????

**raccoon:** ???? so?????

**roro:** ???? the law???

**raccoon:** ???? acab????

**roro:** ???? fair???

**lo:** oh my god, please stop typing like that, i have a headache

**lo:** remus’ driving is literally making me sick

**lo:** i can feel a migraine coming on and i need my medication

**remus:** oh, i’ll take you home then

**lo:** NO

**lo:** please don’t drive me anywhere anymore

**lo:** i’d honestly rather walk

**raccoon:** we’re like twenty minutes away from your house????

**lo:** i said what i said

**sure jan:** i’ll take over the wheel, i got u

**virgy virge:** remus can ride in the trunk

**raccoon:** !!!!!!

**raccoon:** gimme!!!

**lo:** thank god

**virgy virge:** once again, jay saves the day with his driving

**sure jan:** hell yeah, it’s what i’m best at

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** does anyone have the answers to the physics worksheet?

**virgy virge:** is that aCaDeMiC dIShoneSTY?????

**roro:** um??? yeah????

**roro:** do you have them or not?

**sure jan:** i got you

**roro:** i don’t know if i trust that you know the material

**roro:** you listen to podcasts and sleep during class

**sure jan:** yeah, but logan tutors me 

**roro:** oh, then yeah, sure

**sure jan:** look how quickly he says yes

**roro:** well, yeah, lo’s like, the smartest person i know, i trust him

**virgy virge:** honestly fair

**lo:** i’m really not that smart

**raccoon:** you know you are, shut up

**virgy virge:** it’s like when he says that he’s not that good at mario kart and then proceeds to kick our asses

**lo:** well, yeah, but i feel like a shitty person if i say that

**virgy virge:** you’re not a shitty guy for being proud of being good at something

**lo:** well, yeah, but still

**sure jan:** you’re fucking valid and you know it

**patpat:** freaking retweet

**patpat:** i’ll fucking tackle you

**lo:** wait, please don’t i’m gross rn

  
**roro:** lmao mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired. i feel like i'm crashing and burning. i don't know what to write. next up on my list was virgil angst but i just don't think i'm in the right headspace rn to write it. sorry.


	75. the worse version of heelys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that title made little to no sense in reference to this chapter, but relevant to my life.
> 
> also, sorry for being so sad lately, it's sad bitch hours. but, however, i think i'm doing better.
> 
> again, if you don't know the names, then that's on you

**virgy virge** to  **eat azz daily**

**virgy virge:** bigfoot shaven?

**raccoon:** bro, that’s just mr. clean

**sure jan:** god, i hate you two

**raccoon:** dw, we hate ourselves too

**virgy virge:** hell yeah we do

**sure jan:** logan, please make them shut up

**lo:** just block them lol

**sure jan:** oh yeah

**virgy virge:** wait no

**sure jan:** i won’t hesitate

**sure jan:** you’re a bitch

**virgy virge:** um, rude

**virgy virge:** like, i know, but damn

**sure jan:** jkjk love you

**lo:** ugh

**lo:** fucking mushy shit

**raccoon:** i’m with you on that one, logan

**raccoon:** disgusting fucking heathens

**virgy virge:** ouch

**raccoon:** whatever

**raccoon:** you deserve it

**sure jan:** yikes

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** question

**roro:** how do you make heels more comfortable?

**lo:** first of all, tape your third and fourth toes together, it’ll take the pressure off the balls of your feet

**lo:** second, gel inserts are your best friends. general blister prevention products can save you from a whole world of pain

**lo:** third,  you have to be incredibly aware of your posture and stand as straight as you can. you also  [ need to engage your core ](https://www.today.com/style/how-walk-heels-12-tips-tricks-experts-t85731) and make sure you’re not leaning forward or backward

**lo:** if at all possible, BRING BACKUP SHOES

**lo:** your feet get exhausted after a while and it isn’t fun

**roro:** got it

**virgy virge:** you’re really going through with this dare?

**roro:** listen, if someone dares me to wear a dress to school, i’m going to wear a dress to school

**lo:** god, this is a bad idea

**roro:** nah, it’ll be fine

**lo:** what if you get dress-coded?

**roro:** i’ll just take the back hallways and avoid administration

**roro:** plus, i fuckin do what i want

**lo:** ??????

**roro:** let me live my life, lo

**lo:** fine

**lo:** just don’t ask to lean on me while walking to class

**roro:** bet

**roro:** i’ll just lean on virgy boy

**virgy virge:** first of all, never call me that again

**roro:** noted

**virgy virge:** also, if there’s anyone who needs to lean on me for anything, it’s sure as hell not ever gonna be you

**roro:** jesus, okay

**roro:** just out of curiosity, who would it be?

**virgy virge:** jay, lo, and pat

**lo:** so, basically everyone but roman and remus?

**virgy virge:** i said what i said

**virgy virge:** i don’t trust roman and i Don’t Like how remus smells

**raccoon:** honestly, me too

**raccoon:** like, i smell fine normally but then i go into my car and it Immediately Goes Back

**raccoon:** i am angy

**sure jan:** just a side note, but for some reason roman doesn’t try to correct itself, but remus keeps trying to auto-capitalize itself and it pisses me off

**virgy virge:** bruh

**virgy virge:** just turn auto-correct off

**sure jan:** oh yeah

**raccoon:** man, you do not know how to use your phone, do you?

**sure jan:** dude, you have no idea

**raccoon:** yeah, neither do you

**sure jan:** i’m just a slow thinker, that’s all

**patpat:** i feel like everyone in here has nothing up in their head tbh

**raccoon:** i mean, that’s fair for roman, but jeez

**roro:** HEY

**roro:** in my defense, your honor, i really am the dumbest bitch alive

**virgy virge:** okay, fucking atticus finch over here

**lo:** can we  _ please _ not quote classical literature rn???

**lo:** it’s too fucking early for this

**patpat:** it’s like, two in the afternoon????

**sure jan:** it’s always too early for classical literature references

  
**patpat:** honestly, retweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had an end note but idk if it's appropriate or not. it's kinda inappropriate, but i think it's funny i dunno


	76. nosebleeds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting a lot lately!!!!!! also, sorry for making y'all worry lol, i'm fine, i promise
> 
> patpat- patton  
> raccoon- remus  
> lo- logan  
> jay- janus  
> virgy virge- virgil  
> roro- roman

**Private Message**

**patpat** to  **raccoon**

**patpat:** i miss you :(

**raccoon:** i miss you too :(

**raccoon:** when are you supposed to get back?

**patpat:** next week :(

**raccoon:** FUCK

**patpat:** it doesn’t help that i barely have any service

**raccoon:** how’s jay holding up?

**patpat:** not well lol

**patpat:** he’s kind of in the same situation with virgil

**raccoon:** lmao look at those gays

**patpat:** we’re not much better

**raccoon:** honestly fair

**patpat:** btw, do you want any souvenirs?

**raccoon:** if there’s anything inappropriate, then yeah

**raccoon:** stuffed animals are also acceptable

**raccoon:** i’ll pay you back

**patpat:** nah, i got this

**raccoon:** patty, let me pay you back, it’s the least i could do

**patpat:** nope.

**patpat:** it’s my gift to you, i’m not gonna let you pay for it, it’d be a dick move

**raccoon:** ugh, fine

**raccoon:** just know that i’m going all out for your birthday in return

**patpat:** that’s a fair trade

  
  


* * *

  
  


**jay** to  **sad clown hours**

**jay:** fuck, i’m so fucKING B _ ORED _

**lo:** yeah, please come back soon, virgil’s being a sad bitch

**virgy virge:** i’m always a sad bitch

**roro:** honestly

**roro:** for once, i’m not the one who’s being dragged

**virgy virge:** yeah, you’re too depressed to pick on rn

**roro:** okay, well that’s picking on me

**virgy virge:** yeah, but it’s in a loving way

**virgy virge:** you know you’re amazing, chill out

**roro:** haha

**roro:** yes

**roro:** i totally think that

**jay:** dude, get some help

**roro:** hmmmmm how bout no

**jay:** _please_ get help

**roro:** nah, i’m good

**patpat:** i’ll drive back there from colorado rn

**patpat:** i won’t fucking hesitate

**raccoon:** i’ll take your place

**roro:** wait nonono

**roro:** i don’t want to be tackled

**roro:** i  _ finally _ got my hair the way i wanted

**raccoon:** OW

**roro:** hehe i locked my door

**raccoon:** MY NOSE IS FUCKING BLEEDING NOW

**raccoon:** OW OW OW

**roro:** oops

**roro:** you’ve had worse, dw

**raccoon:** i mean, yeah, but ouchie

**raccoon:** i’m allowed to complain, lord knows that virgil does that all the time

**virgy virge:** normally, i’d be mad, but i admire your honesty

  
**raccoon:** hehe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just found out that i was following a terf on tumblr and my day is ruined. if you're a terf, do me a favor and don't fucking touch this fic. don't even talk to me or anything


	77. fuck terfs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been getting back into cross stitching bc i'm seventy years old 
> 
> lo- logan   
> jay- janus  
> virgy virge- virgil   
> raccoon- remus   
> roro- roman   
> patpat- patton

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** can someone beat someone up for me?

**raccoon:** depends

**raccoon:** who is it and what have they done?

**lo:** a fucking terf

**jay:** wait what’s a terf

**roro:** someone who thinks that trans girls aren’t actual girls

**roro:** people who think that people are defined by what’s in their pants and it’s complete bullshit

**lo:** honestly

**lo:** and then this bitch said that i’m only trans because i was escaping the oppression of being a girl or some bullshit like that

**lo:** like, yeah, women have to go through that and it sucks, but that’s absolutely not why i’m trans

**raccoon:** yeah, that’s enough to convince me

**raccoon:** i’ll make it indirect bc beating up a girl makes me look like an asshole

**raccoon:** that’s nothing against them, it’s just i have an image to keep up

**roro:** wait what does indirectly mean

**raccoon:** i’ll just ruin her life from the side-lines

**raccoon:** i like to whisper into people’s ears about certain people

**lo:** good

**lo:** i hate terfs

**raccoon:** i think i can convince remy to help me

**virgy virge:** lmao good luck with that one

**raccoon:** yeah, i’m gonna need it

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **bean juice**

**raccoon:** heyyyyyyy

**bean juice:** nope.

**raccoon:** i didn’t even say anything????

**bean juice:** you didn’t need to, i don’t like interacting with you anymore

**raccoon:** rude

**raccoon:** i know that you don’t like me for the whole chicken feathers thing, but i need a favor

**bean juice:** no

**raccoon:** dude, just humor me, please

**bean juice:** fine

**bean juice:** spill

**raccoon:** so there’s this girl who’s a terf

**bean juice:** did logan meet her?

**raccoon:** yeah???

**bean juice:** say no more, i got this

**raccoon:** ?????

**bean juice:** she probably said some bullshit to him and the fact that she’s a terf makes me upset

**bean juice:** what’s her info?

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** it’s been taken care of

**virgy virge:** how the fuck did you get him to talk to you?????

**raccoon:** i just told him it was for logan and he immediately complied

**virgy virge:** but what about the chicken feathers???

**raccoon:** he refused to acknowledge it for obvious reasons

**patpat:** honestly, i agree with him, it wasn’t a good thing

**patpat:** sorry ree, it wasn’t a great thing to do to him

**raccoon:** yeah, ik, it was shitty of me

**lo:** wait, how are y’all taking care of it

**raccoon:** you’ll see soon enough

**lo:** foreboding and intriguing 

**lo:** i’m also kind of scared, but i guess i’ll see

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **eat azz daily**

**lo:** bored bored bored

**raccoon:** dude, i almost straight up shit my pants a couple of minutes ago

**lo:** ?????

**raccoon:** yeah, chick-fil-a mac n cheese always makes me shit my pants

**lo:** then why do you keep eating it????

**raccoon:** some things are worth the sacrifice

**raccoon:** plus, it tastes amazing

**virgy virge:** honestly, i feel that

**virgy virge:** buca de bepo’s fettuccine gives me the worst stomach cramps

**jay:** well yeah but you’re lactose intolerant

**virgy virge:** but dairy is so fucking good

**virgy virge:** also, non-dairy ice cream doesn’t taste the same

**virgy virge:** i just really like ice cream

**jay:** yeah, no shit

**jay:** literally, i feel like if you ever got married, you would have ice cream instead of cake

**virgy virge:** honestly, probably

**virgy virge:** cake is just too dry

**raccoon:** ice cream makes my teeth hurt

**virgy virge:** well tough nuts man

**virgy virge:** it’s _ my _ special day so fuck off

**raccoon:** well then i guess i’m not coming

**virgy virge:** well fine

**raccoon:** fine

**lo:** you two do realize that we’re talking about a fictional wedding that isn’t gonna happen for years now, right?

**raccoon:** oh yeah lol

  
**jay:** dumbasses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> banana stand


	78. shitty british accents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, i took a small break, i had to work on my sister's graduation present. also, i just needed to lol, i was burning out.
> 
> lo- logan  
> jay- janus  
> raccoon- remus  
> patpat- patton  
> roro- roman  
> virgy virge- virgil

**jay** to  **eat azz daily**

**jay:** i hate the flu

**raccoon:** ah, you’ve got the sniffles?

**jay:** yeah, and i feel fucking awful

**lo:** is that why patton wasn’t here today?

**jay:** yeah, that bitch spread it to me and i’m pissed

**lo:** actually, it’s more likely that someone else from school gave it to you, considering that after you used the handrails on the stairs, remus dared you to lick your hand and you decided that it was a good idea

**jay:** well, yeah, but i wanna blame it on someone

**virgy virge:** then just blame remus for daring you to lick your hand

**jay:** honestly fair

**jay:** remus i fuckin hate you rn

**raccoon:** yeah, i don’t blame you

**jay:** good bc i do

**raccoon:** rude

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **patpat**

**raccoon:** you have the flu, right?

**patpat:** yeah :(

**raccoon:** can i come over and take care of you?

**patpat:** nah, i don’t want you to get sick

**raccoon:** dw i had the flu a while ago

**patpat:** still, i look absolutely disgusting

**raccoon:** lmao so do i

**raccoon:** at least you have an excuse, you’re sick

**patpat:** you don’t look disgusting >:(

**raccoon:** dude, don’t lie, you know it’s true

**patpat:** oh my god, i’m gonna lose it

**patpat:** why is everyone in our friend group so insecure?????

**raccoon:** idk???

**raccoon:** probably cause we’re all wimps

**patpat:** oh at first i thought that said simp

**patpat:** like, yeah, i know, but what does that have to do with that?

**raccoon:** honestly, i’m sick of people calling me a simp for respecting women and it’s like????? hello???? do you not do the same?????

**patpat:** fr tho

**patpat:** is it so crazy to not hate girls?????

**raccoon:** apparently lol

**raccoon:** anyways, i’m like, two minutes away from your house

**patpat:** oh god 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** can someone bring me whataburger?

**raccoon:** dude, you have a car

**lo:** yeah but i’m not moving from my bed

**raccoon:** why not lol

**lo:** pain

**roro:** ah

**roro:** yeah, i got you

**roro:** number five?

**lo:** yeah

**roro:** do you want dairy queen too?

**lo:** is that even a fucking question???

**roro:** lmao fair

**lo:** you’re literally the best

**roro:** i know <3

**raccoon:** honestly, idk what’s going on

**lo:** in what sense?

**raccoon:** in the sense of why the fuck are you in pain?????

**lo:** um

**lo:** i’m bleeding profusely

**raccoon:** ????? are you okay?????

**roro:** _oh my god you’re so dense_

**lo:** i’m afab, dumbass

**raccoon:** oooohhh

**virgy virge:** lmao that was rough

**raccoon:** yeah, i’m a bit of a dumbass

**roro:** i hate that you’re typing that in a terrible british accent

**raccoon:** you know me so well lol

**jay:** ???

**roro:** lately, he’s only been communicating with me in a shitty british accent

**virgy virge:** why????

**raccoon:** idk, i’m just bored of talking with ro so i’m spicing things up a bit

**roro:** i’m not boring to talk to?????

**jay:** keep telling yourself that, dude

  
**roro:** ouchie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my sister keeps talking to me in a british accent and it pisses me off. on the plus side, my fake british accent has gotten really good. 
> 
> i've been going through the anxceit tag and again, i'm pissed off that most of it is u!janus bc i want soft boios.
> 
> also, i wrote most of this while high, so please excuse most of the mistakes


	79. barbie: life in the dreamhouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had stacy's mom on repeat for like, a day. it's becoming a problem 
> 
> also, sorry to louisiana 
> 
> jay- janus  
> virgy virge- virgil   
> roro- roman   
> lo- logan   
> patpat- patton   
> raccoon- remus

**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** holy FUCK

**roro:** ????

**virgy virge:** he’s baked af rn

**jay:** dude, so are you

**virgy virge:** well yeah but i only had one gummy, remus has like, three

**roro:** oh god

**lo:** one thing i’ve found out by being friends with them is that it’s not very fun to be the only sober person in the room

**patpat:** damn, i felt that

**raccoon:** you just hate me cause you ain’t me

**lo:** nah, not really

**lo:** honestly, i’d rather die than be you

**raccoon:** honestly yeah

**raccoon:** i don’t really blame you lol

**virgy virge:** remus is out cold, just an fyi

**roro:** oh god, do i need to drag him home?

**virgy virge:** nah, he can stay here until he wakes up, i don’t really care lol

**roro:** thank god

**roro:** i really don’t want to get up rn

**lo:** barbie life in the dreamhouse?

**roro:** barbie life in the dreamhouse

**raccoon:** ????? do they have their own fucking language?????

**roro:** nah, i’m just watching barbie life in the dreamhouse rn

**virgy virge:** not that i’m judging

**virgy virge:** like, at all

**virgy virge:** but why???????

**roro:** i dunno, i just like it

**roro:** i’m just vibing up in here lol

**lo:** it’s his sad hours show 

**patpat:** ???????? why are you sad???????

**roro:** that’s just my personality

**lo:** no it’s not, it’s the fact that we’re gonna graduate in a couple of months and this friend group will most likely disband

**patpat:** dude, it’s simple, we’ll just all go to the same college

**jay:** yeah, what about the rest of us dumb bitches?

**virgy virge:** honestly though

**virgy virge:** unrealistic standards

**jay:** dw virge, texas state will accept us no matter what

**virgy virge:** hell yeah dude

**patpat:** no matter how lonely i feel, loyola will always be in my inbox

**raccoon:** honestly

**raccoon:** loyola really thinks that we can afford that????

**raccoon:** plus, i’d rather die than go to school in louisiana

**lo:** ?????

**lo:** you realize that louisiana state university has a great art program, right???

**lo:** plus, the seafood is fucking fantastic

**raccoon:** yeah, but i’m allergic to most seafood

**raccoon:** however, you drive a good point

**lo:** of course i do

**lo:** i’m always right

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** sure

**lo:** rude

**virgy virge:** i’m what keeps you humble

**lo:** nah, i’m pretty sure it’s my crippling self-doubt and need to get everything perfect

**roro:** well goddamn

**roro:** you and me both, buddy

**virgy virge:** can y’all???? stop being so depressing rn????

**raccoon:** yikes, and that’s coming from virgil

**virgy virge:** dude, like, actually fuck off

**raccoon:** hmmm, how bout no

**virgy virge:** eugh

**jay:** oh god, that’s cursed, don’t say that

**virgy virge:** ????

**jay:** “eugh”

**jay:** just say ugh like a normal person

**virgy virge:** fuck you

  
**virgy virge:** eugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hot take- misogyny isn't cool and i'm NOT a simp for saying that, i'm just a decent fucking human being


	80. a bag of cats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title of this was originally a trainwreck in birkenstocks but i couldn't remember if i'd done it already
> 
> also, the titles for these are progressively getting more and more chaotic 
> 
> you know the nicknames by now

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** REMUS YOUR ROOM SMELLS SO FUCKING BAD

**raccoon:** ???? and you know this how?????

**roro:** you borrowed my laptop charger last night and didn’t give it back so i went to find it and oh my god

**roro:** it hit me like a bag of cats

**raccoon:** that’s???? such a good metaphor???

**roro:** yeah, the director said that after he heard the oboes play when it was cold out

**lo:** oh fuck off

**lo:** i really am trying my best

**roro:** i know, it was just funny and that’s my favorite saying literally  _ ever _

**raccoon:** and now it’s  _ my _ favorite saying ever

**virgy virge:** i feel like remus’s room is prime stinky territory

**raccoon:** oh, it definitely is

**roro:** it smells like weed and b.o. it’s disgusting

**raccoon:** yeah, cause i never clean my room, and all i do is smoke and sweat in there

**lo:** fair point

**roro:** all i’m saying is that i’d totally be willing to help you clean, you just have to ask

**roro:** i will literally pay you to let me

**raccoon:** wait, bet

**lo:** disaster human beings over here

**lo:** don’t pay him, roman

**lo:** remus, clean your fucking room

**raccoon:** jeez, okay dad

**virgy virge:** i love how we all call logan dad

**roro:** does that make pat our mom?

**patpat:** !!! i’d be honored!!!

**raccoon:** what does that make the rest of us?

**roro:** janus is  _ definitely _ a wine aunt

**jay:** hell yeah

**roro:** virge’s more of a vodka aunt bc he’s depressed

**virgy virge:** aw, fuck yeah, i drink to hide my feelings

**patpat:** god, what a mood 

**roro:** kay, so we’re moving on from  _ that _ shit show

**virgy virge:** roman and remus are the annoying little cousins that you’re forced to play video games with

**raccoon:** bro,,,, that’s too real,,

**roro:** yeah, but he’s accurate

**raccoon:** doesn’t mean he should say it

**virgy virge:** who the fuck is gonna stop me? jesus? 

**virgy virge:** i’d like to see him try

**patpat:** uhhhhhh,,,, i don’t believe in god, but you’re about to get hit by a bus or smthn

**virgy virge:** i’m hoping and praying, man

**lo:** v, you never leave your house, how are you gonna get hit by a bus?

**virgy virge:** jesus, okay L, don’t drag me like this, my name isn’t roman

**roro:** ??????? what did i do????

**virgy virge:** nothing, we just hate on you most of the time

**jay:** they hated jesus because he spoke the truth

**roro:** !!! validation!!!

**patpat:** there’s a touch-starved thing but with emotions and that’s what roman is

**roro:** i crave validation in life

**raccoon:** lord knows that

**virgy virge:** man, now you’re making me feel bad for shitting on you

**roro:** good, bitch

**roro:** my self-esteem’s in the gutter already

**roro:** my self-esteem’s in a submarine and decided to open a window

**patpat:** same lol

**patpat:** you wanna hang out and cry?

**roro:** you know me so well

**lo:** can i join the validation party?

**patpat:** !!! of course!!!

**roro:** yeah, lord knows you’re repressed in your everyday life

**lo:** yikes

**lo:** i mean you’re right, but damn

**roro:** love, i’m always right

**raccoon:** PFT-

**raccoon:** i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, roman is a trainwreck in birkenstocks

  
**roro:** hell yeah i am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started another fic lol. probably shouldn't have done it, but fuck it. i saw the prompt and immediately said gimme


	81. we can't all be rich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking such a long break, my heart's acting up again and my health is kind of taking a sharp decline. also, sorry to f.r.e.i.n.d.s., i just fucking hate that show and have a lot of feelings on the matter
> 
> slightly nsfw for talking about a 3-foot dildo???? so i guess be warned
> 
> if you don't know the names, then you're kind of a dumbass (jkjk i love you)

**lo** to  **sad clown hours**

**lo:** why am i getting so many hbo max ads all of a sudden???

**lo:** i don’t understand???? i do not want????

**lo:** also, they took doctor who off of amazon prime so now i have to illegally download it and i’m pissed off

**roro:** just???? pay for hbo max???

**lo:** _we can’t all be rich, roman_

**roro:** then i’ll just pay for you?????

**lo:**

**lo:** what????

**roro:** yeah, we just got our monthly allowance from our parents and it’s burning a hole in my pocket

**virgy virge:** lo, do you have a sugar daddy????

**jay:** yeah, i guess he does

**lo:** god, i don’t have a sugar daddy

**raccoon:** actually, you kinda do

**roro:** yeah, i guess so

**virgy virge:** man, i wish i had a sugar daddy, but like, it was a friendly thing

**virgy virge:** like, hey, how are you today, here’s a thousand dollars

**jay:** _dude_

**jay:** highkey, that’d be so fucking cool

**raccoon:** off topic, but y'all ever hear of the moby huge?

**roro:** this is a trick question, don’t look it up

**virgy virge:** bet

**virgy virge:** wait, what the fuck is this

**virgy virge:** um???? holy shit???????

**jay:** THE F.A.Q. I’M SCREAAAAMINGGGGG

**jay:** “will it fit in my ass?” “it fits in mine”

**lo:** god, can you imagine if someone could actually fit a three-foot-tall dildo in their ass??

**virgy virge:** the amount of power that person would hold

**jay:** make them president, they’d probably be better than orange mcbutthole lips

**raccoon:** his lips are very much like a butthole

**patpat:** butthole is such a funny word

**patpat:** like, it’s just superior in the way it’s said

**roro:** you and remus have been hanging out way too much lol

**raccoon:** and what about it?

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** people who think f.r.i.e.n.d.s. is funny cannot be my friend anymore

**roro:** like, the audience laugh-track goes apeshit over nothing

**roro:** monica and ross might be the worst characters ever made

**roro:** i can’t remember jeniffer aniston’s character, but she was annoying

**roro:** it’s like seinfeld if you took out all of the clever jokes and replaced them with surface level observation humor

**roro:** also, i hate the characters

**raccoon:** ???? what prompted this?????

**roro:** i had to work on a project with this kid and he put on friends and i hate it so much

**virgy virge:** you’re so passionate about the weirdest things

**lo:** it’s true, he gave me a power-point presentation about the picture of dorian grey

**jay:** fun fact, my moms were thinking about naming me dorian

**jay:** there were a lot of names starting with d, but then they threw them all out and decided to name me after the god of being a shady bitch

**virgy virge:** to be fair, it’s kinda accurate

**virgy virge:** mine’s after some crusty ass poet who died of a fucking fever like a coward

**raccoon:** at least you aren’t some fool who got killed by their brother

**roro:** you’re about to be :)

**raccoon:** ???? what did i do????

**roro:** oh, nothing, i’m just saying it in advance

**raccoon:** honestly, i’ll probably do something soon to warrant it

**roro:** i’m counting on it, dumbass

**raccoon:** well now there’s too much pressure to do dumb shit

**virgy virge:** you and me both, buddy

**jay:** performance anxiety at it’s finest, ladies and gentlemen

**jay:** the two most anxious people in the world are uniting as one

**patpat:** you have anxiety, ree?

**raccoon:** yeah, it’s my main cause of intrusive thoughts

**patpat:** damn

**patpat:** i never knew that about you

**raccoon:** and i never knew you had depression until we became besties, so i guess now we’re even

**patpat:** finally, i’ve felt super guilty about that

**raccoon:** you have???? such a guilty conscience???

**patpat:** sorry

**raccoon:** >:(

**raccoon:** you don’t have to apologize, you’re amazing and i love you

**raccoon:** i will find a way to aggressively love you

**patpat:** everything you do is aggressive and i love you for it <3

**raccoon:** !!!

  
**raccoon:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been scouring the internet for prompts and shit, but ended up talking about my own problems through this lol. i hate hbo max ads during my podcasts, i don't wanna hear about all the amazing deals i can get while in the shower.
> 
> sorry for ranting, i just have a lot of complaints about a lot of things


	82. bisexuality? never heard of her, i only know god 😎😎😎

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for legal reasons, that title is a joke. also, it's not super relevant to this, but it is in my heart

**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** holy FUCK i’m tired

**patpat:** yeah, that’s what usually happens when you stay up until  _ three in the fucking morning _

**virgy virge:** lmao dumbass

**roro:** shut??? the fuck up???

**roro:** literally no one asked you

**virgy virge:** well, yeah, but that’s when i always show up

**lo:** don’t say that to virgil, he’s already got bad self-esteem 

**virgy virge:** yeah, don’t fucking talk to me bitch

**patpat:** lots of hostility here today

**roro:** i have a short temper whenever i’m tired

**virgy virge:** wait, why did you stay up until three???

**roro:** uh

**roro:** no reason

**virgy virge:** chief, that’s kinda susp

**lo:** don’t worry about it, it’s just something i asked him to work on

**virgy virge:** why didn’t you just do it?

**lo:** bitches be tired

**virgy virge:** mmm indeed

**virgy virge:** why was he trying to hide it from me though?

**lo:** cause it’s,,,, slightly illegal

**virgy virge:** nope, i know nothing, i don’t want to be implicated in a crime

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**roro** to  **lo**

**roro:** thanks for covering for me, love

**lo:** no problem

**lo:** what were you working on?

**roro:** so you know how virgil’s terrible at keeping secrets, right?

**lo:** of course

**roro:** janus’s birthday is coming up and i’ve been working on ideas on what to get him so i face-timed pat last night and we were trying to work on that together and i’m freaking out because he’s my best friend and i genuinely don’t know shit

**lo:** okay, i can tell you’re about to start hyperventilating, so let’s take a deep breath

**roro:** okay, chill chill chill, cool cool cool

**lo:** you’re not calming down, but sure

**lo:** how about i come over and help you find out a solution, instead of you freaking out by yourself in your room?

**roro:** that would be wonderful, darling

**lo:** also, stop with the pet names, they make me blush like crazy and i do not like

**roro:** of course, dear

**lo:** oh my god

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** do you ever think how weird it is that we’re all gay?

**virgy virge:** like, how did that happen

**lo:** um, hi, this is blatant bisexual erasure

**roro:** fucking retweet

**jay:** also, pat was convinced for a while that he was straight

**patpat:** BITCH SO WERE YOU

**jay:** shhhhh, that’s not relevant

**virgy virge:** damn

**roro:** really?????

**patpat:** yeah, we’re truly dumbasses

**jay:** it’s our family brand

**virgy virge:** it’s like how remus’s brand is his fucked up toe

**raccoon:** can we go five fucking minutes without talking about my toe????

**virgy virge:** hmmmm, how bout no

**jay:** wait, what’s wrong with his toe????

**raccoon:** it periodically leaks pus and blood and hurts all the time

**lo:** ?????

**lo:** i’m pretty sure that’s an ingrown toenail

**raccoon:** yeah, it is, but i don’t really wanna get it checked out bc ouchie

**raccoon:** i got my other toe fixed years ago but it hurt like hell when they gave me the shot in my foe

**lo:** but isn’t it better to get it over with than just living with the pain???

**raccoon:** nah, i’m goodie

**roro:** and he was in fact, not goodie

**raccoon:** honestly, fuck off

**roro:** lmao no

**roro:** don’t tell me what to do, rat

**raccoon:** aren’t you doing the exact same?????

**roro:** no, and don’t ever poke holes in my logic ever again

**lo:** i don’t have the time or energy for this shit, go to bed

**raccoon:** it’s like, four in the afternoon???

**lo:** yeah, and you didn’t sleep last night

**lo:** you’re living off of monster, so you heard me

**lo:** _go to bed_

**raccoon:** like roman said, don’t tell me what to do, nerd

**lo:** you want to say that to me again, remus?

**raccoon:** wait i changed my mind, i’m good, i’ll go to bed

**lo:** good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoyoyo, it's ya boi skinny penis, ready to fuck some hot thotties in the back of my toyota corolla
> 
> side note- all you cool kids need to go to sleep, it's fun in the moment, but it bites you in the ass later on in life. words of wisdom from me today.


	83. hickeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long lol, i've had band and it sucks. like, idk why they're having in-person shit, like, texas is kinda fucked rn
> 
> also, i've had to delete a lot of comments and asks in my inbox on tumblr because i've had someone complain about my choice of ships in this fic. don't argue this shit with me, i'm not in the fucking mood for it. if you're really looking for a fight, at least have the balls to come off of anon and don't be a fucking coward.
> 
> also, i really can't any virgil angst, don't ask me. i'm really not in the right mindset to do any of that stuff rn.

**virgy virge** to  **eat azz daily**

**virgy virge:** i’m super tired and upset

**lo:** are you okay???

**virgy virge:** no, i’m pissed off

**jay:** yeah, he’s pretty mad

**lo:** does anyone want to tell me why????

**virgy virge:** nah, not particularly

**jay:** _dude_

**virgy virge:** fine

**virgy virge:** when people discount your feelings, it fucking sucks

**virgy virge:** like, fucking roman doesn’t understand that he’s not the only person with fucking emotional fucking problems with his stupid fucking face and i hate him

**lo:** uh

**lo:** okay

**lo:** can i help you, or did you just need to rant?

**virgy virge:** i mean, unless you can punch roman, no, not really

**raccoon:** i gotchu

**virgy virge:** wait, i was kidding

**lo:** uh oh

**virgy virge:** remus, please don’t, i stg

**raccoon:** uh

**raccoon:** it may be a little too late for that

**jay:** oh god

**virgy virge:** ???? why would you do that???

**jay:** oh god oh god oh god

**raccoon:** i dunno, you said it’d make you feel better

**lo:** how is that going to solve anything???

**lo:** also, janus, stop freaking out

**jay:** fuck you

**lo:** lots of hostility today, i see

**raccoon:** to your first question, lo, i just thought that virgil wasn’t happy so i did something nice for him

**virgy virge:** that’s,,,, admittedly sweet, but you punched your brother, man

**raccoon:** like i haven’t done worse

**raccoon:** i literally set his room on fire, i think he’ll forgive me

**virgy virge:** yeah, but still

**virgy virge:** it’s the morality of it or whatever

**raccoon:** if it makes you feel any better, i probably was gonna do it anyways, you just gave me motive 

**lo:** honestly, he deserves it sometimes

**lo:** he really knows how to stick his foot in his mouth in serious situations

**raccoon:** lord knows that

**lo:** throwback to when he almost accidentally outed me to my parents

**virgy virge:** oh god

**jay:** yeah, he’s kind of an idiot

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** FUCK I’M SO FUCKING DUMB

**virgy virge:** ???? and????

**jay:** yeah, we been knew

**raccoon:** ouch

**raccoon:** that kinda stung, ngl

**jay:** sowwy

**lo:** so, what’d you do?

**roro:** so, i got those cupping things off of amazon bc my muscles do be kinda sore

**roro:** so this dumbass decided to attach it to his cheek

**raccoon:** and now i have a bigass hickey on my cheek

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** sometimes i wonder how you’re still alive, based on evidence of you being a dumbass

**raccoon:** honestly same

**raccoon:** i’m genuinely shocked that i haven’t ended up dead in a dumpster by now

**lo:** all of us probably shouldn’t be alive rn

**lo:** we’re all kind of dumb

**patpat:** yeah, lord knows that

**virgy virge:** no thoughts, brain empty

**roro:** brain machine broke

**raccoon:** dude, i’ve got nothing, i’m just dumb as hell

  
**patpat:** bitch, me too, the fuck??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my brain machine broke, i got nothin for y'all


	84. roman's a fucking dumbass, as per usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo
> 
> i got tested for covid today and holy FUCK it sucked ass

**lo** to  **eat azz daily**

**lo:** bitches be tired

**lo:** bitches is me, i’m bitches

**virgy virge:** you okay, bud?

**lo:** you know, you can always tell when someone is about to break up with you

**jay:** wait, what?????

**virgy virge:** hold on, wtf

**lo:** yeah, he’s kind of ignoring me and we just don’t hang out anymore

**lo:** any day now he’s gonna ask me if we can just talk

**lo:** and i, for one, am not excited for it

**jay:** but y’all are so good together????

**lo:** apparently not.

**jay:** hold on, i’m hanging out with ro rn, i’ll ask him

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **lolo protection squad**

**raccoon:** yo, if roro ends up breaking up with logan, i call dibs

**virgy virge:** NO, I CALL HIM FIRST

**jay:** ???? do i mean nothing to you?????

**virgy virge:** backup plan in case you get tired of me

**jay:** yeah, i am pretty impulsive

**jay:** also, i could never get tired of you, you’re so fucking sick, dude

**virgy virge:** lmao nice, dude

**roro:** y’all are so fucking weird

**roro:** also, i’m???? not breaking up with logan???????

**virgy virge:** wait, really???

**roro:** yeah, who the fuck told you that?

**virgy virge:** dude, you’re literally ignoring him

**roro:** yeah, well, janus was the one who said i was smothering him and said i should back off

**jay:** ???? i didn’t mean ignore him?????

**roro:** oh

**roro:** whoops

**virgy virge:** DUMBASS

**patpat:** ro, you’re a hopeless romantic, how the fuck did you think that would be a good idea????

**roro:** i don’t know, i just thought that maybe he was right

**roro:** logan’s not exactly a touchy feely guy or anything, so maybe i was being annoying to him or something

**roro:** what if i  _ was _ smothering him and he was getting sick of me

**jay:** dude

**jay:** you’re not serious, are you?????

**jay:** jesus, i’ll be right back

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**jay** to  **lo**

**jay:** your boyfriend is a fucking dumbass

**lo:** oh god, what’d he do?

**jay:** well, i was a fucking dumbass who decided to give him a piece of advice but he took it further than i thought he’d go

**lo:** uh oh

**jay:** he’s been ignoring you because he thinks that maybe he was smothering you or that you might get sick of him

**jay:** please fix him before i smack him

**lo:** bet

  
  


* * *

  
  


Roman heard three sharp knocks at his door and sighed. He only knew one person who wouldn’t text him to let him know that they were there, much less knock. 

He opened the door tentatively and was immediately yanked into a hug.

“You’re such a fucking idiot.” Logan mumbled.

Roman laughed. “I know.”

“By the way, you totally owe me a date.”

“You definitely deserve it.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **sad clown hours**

**raccoon:** man, guess the logan and remus thing isn’t gonna happen

**lo:** ???? i don’t think that was ever on the table????

**raccoon:** well idk, just move from one twin to the next

**roro:** wait please don’t do that

**virgy virge:** dude, shut the fuck up

**jay:** y’all are the worst

**roro:** yeah ik

**raccoon:** duh

**lo:** wait am i included in that?

**virgy virge:** nah, you’re chill

**patpat:** yeah, i was about to say, logan’s literally done nothing wrong, other than being an accessory to a crime

**lo:** oh yeah

**raccoon:** ????? you did illegal shit without me??

**lo:** yeah

**raccoon:** :(

**raccoon:** it’s truly sad clown hours

**roro:** wait, what’d you do???

**jay:** none yo business bitch

**patpat:** you two worry me

**virgy virge:** yeah, but it was super fun

**raccoon:** ALL OF Y’ALL ARE FUCKING TRAITORS

**raccoon:** i want crime >:(

**virgy virge:** sigh

**virgy virge:** do you want to go do something illegal?

**raccoon:**

**raccoon:** yeah

**lo:** i’m gonna sit this one out

**jay:** aw :(

**raccoon:** why?

**lo:** ???? i have a life away from you guys????

**raccoon:** ???? we’re the most interesting thing in your life????

**lo:** ??? no??? you’re not????

**virgy virge:** guys, this hurts to read, please don’t type like this

  
**raccoon:** lmao sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't be like roman, kids. talk through your problems instead of being a fucking idiot


	85. a bootycall of loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, idk what was going through my head while writing this. no thoughts, brain empty
> 
> also, someone wanted anxceit fluff in real text, and i am happy to deliver. i love those funky gays. (also,,,, if anyone was to request intruality,,,,, i wouldn't mind,,,,)

**Private Message**

**sure jan** to  **virgy virge**

**sure jan:** can you come over?

**virgy virge:** you okay?

**sure jan:** yeah, just lonely

**sure jan:** pat and my moms are out at the mall and i’m at home alone

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** is this a booty call or just a cry of loneliness?

**sure jan:** whatever you’d like ;)

**sure jan:** jkjk i just want attention

**virgy virge:** oh thank god

**virgy virge:** i’m on my way over btw

**sure jan:** don’t crash

**virgy virge:** bet

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Is this really necessary?” 

“Oh, absolutely,” Virgil draped himself across Janus’s chest. “You asked for attention, this is what you get.”

“Oh no, what a punishment,” He drawled and Virgil laughed.

There was a long pause of silence between the two, with only the sound of the television in the background before Virgil broke it.

“Do you think we’ll still be together after high school?” He asked softly.

“What?”

“Logan was talking about it the other day. We’re all going to go our separate ways after school and we’ll probably never see each other again.”

Janus sighed and sat up. “Look at me, darling.” Virgil tentatively met his eyes. “I don’t care if we’re going to college or working at Walmart or becoming doctors or some shit, I don’t want to break up with you. I know we don’t really like sappy shit, but you’re like, the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“God, you’re such a sap,” Virgil laughed and pushed him away.

“I’m serious, dude! You’re like, the best person, Virge.” There was a sniffle and Virgil buried his head in Janus’s chest. “Are you crying?”

“I’m an emotional bitch, Jay, shut up,” He gave a watery laugh. “Jesus, we’re turning into Logan and Roman.”

Janus winced. “We’re not that sappy, are we?”

“I think we might be.” Virgil snickered as Janus groaned. 

“I’d like to think that we have more common sense, but I know we really don’t.”

“Yeah, we’re kinda dumb as shit.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sad clown hours**

**sure jan:** yo logince, virgil just called you stupid by extention

**raccoon:** what the fuck is a logince

**sure jan:** yknow we used to call roman princey or prince and logan, combine, boom

**sure jan:** nevermind, i’m dumb

**roro:** nah, ship names are just stupid

**roro:** what else would logan and i be?

**patpat:** rolo!

**lo:** i don’t like chocolate, so no

**patpat:** ???? blasphemy????

**roro:** yeah, that name’s also trash, just like your taste, lo

**lo:** rude

**roro:** sorry

**roro:** but ship names would absolutely not work in this friend group

**virgy virge:** honestly though

**lo:** most of us have strange names so it wouldn’t work out

**lo:** and when i mean most of us i’m excluding me bc i chose the most basic and boring nam _ e ever _

**raccoon:** yeah, but it suits you, nerd

**lo:** thanks?? i think???

**raccoon:** you’re welcome, nerd

**lo:** ?????

**virgy virge:** i just think that ship names are inherently flawed

**virgy virge:** like, why the fuck do they exist???

**virgy virge:** i get it, you don’t want to type out their names, but holy shit, some of them are literally terrible

**roro:** i love how you’re just casually implying that you probably read fanfiction

**virgy virge:** and you don’t?

**roro:** honestly fair

**raccoon:** to be fair, we all probably read fanfiction

**lo:** nah, i don’t care for that kind of stuff

**sure jan:** then you’re just lame

**lo:** yeah, i know, it’s a problem

**patpat:** i stg, janus, be fucking nice

**sure jan:** ????? ouch?????

**patpat:** my brand is be nice or else

**patpat:** i’m like ellen but not a big ole meanie

**roro:** you have such a jarring switch from saying fuck to calling someone a meanie

**patpat:** it’s the shock value that hits you in the face

**raccoon:** we go for very different kinds of shock value

**patpat:** yeah, and i love us for it <3

  
**raccoon:** me too <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, writing real text for me is wacky, ngl
> 
> also, i start school on tuesday and i think the only classes i'm looking forward to are band and art. i have three music classes in a row, though, so idk how that's gonna go


	86. gymnastics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this like, right after i wrote the last chapter so intruality is next, baby
> 
> people were asking if remy's boyfriend was character thomas and yeah, it's true, they're gay
> 
> nyquil- remy

**Private Message**

**nyquil** to  **virgy virge**

**nyquil:** hey dumbass

**virgy virge:** ?????

**virgy virge:** what’d i do????

**nyquil:** i need advice

**virgy virge:** uh

**virgy virge:** don’t put out on the first date?

**nyquil:** ew, nonononono

**nyquil:** not that kind of advice

**virgy virge:** oh thank god

**nyquil:** plus, if i was going to ask for that stuff, i would probably ask logan or janus

**virgy virge:** dude, you’re fifteen, chill out

**nyquil:** lmao my bad

**virgy virge:** fr though, what’d you need?

**nyquil:** k, you gotta promise me that you’re not gonna freak out

**virgy virge:**

**virgy virge:** do you know who i am????

**nyquil:** i’m serious, virgil

**virgy virge:** right, sorry

**nyquil:** so hypothetically, if someone was bullying someone, how would that person tell that someone to fuck off?

**virgy virge:** k, who the fuck is it, i just want to talk

**nyquil:** _dude_

**virgy virge:** sorry, my older brother instincts are kicking in

**nyquil:** i don’t need you doing anything about it

**virgy virge:** if you’re worried about them finding out, i’ll just tell remus to do it, he’d be happy to beat up a freshman, he hates freshmen

**nyquil:** no, i’m worried that you think i can’t do anything for myself

**virgy virge:** sorry, i didn’t mean to be an asshole

**virgy virge:** i just worry about you

**nyquil:** virge, i’ll be fine, i promise

**nyquil:** i just need to know what to do

**virgy virge:** k, this is gonna sound cheesy, but you need to talk to someone about it

**virgy virge:** it doesn’t have to be the counselors or me or anything, it could be one of your friends or even your boyfriend, what’s his name

**nyquil:** virge, you’ve met thomas  _ several times _

**virgy virge:** ???? i’m a dumbass????

**nyquil:** apparently lol

**nyquil:** btw i’m totally telling him that you said that

**virgy virge:** wait, no, i have an image to uphold

**nyquil:** bitch, who the fuck do you think you’re fooling????

**virgy virge:** i???? didn’t ask for this????

**nyquil:** too bad, bitch

**nyquil:** you’re my sibling, you signed up for this

**virgy virge:** k, but that’s such fucking cap, i didn’t sign up for anything

**virgy virge:** it’s not my fault we have the same parents

**nyquil:** yeah, but you still love me

**virgy virge:** dude, of course i love you, you’re my baby brother

**nyquil:**

**nyquil:** v, you’re totally ruining my vibe, but i love you too

**virgy virge:** lmao softie

**nyquil:** virge, i’ve got your deepest darkest secrets, you sure you wanna say that to me?

**virgy virge:** you’d never expose me, you’re too soft

**nyquil:** bet

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sad clown hours**

**roro:** sorry, virgil, you used to be in gymnastics????

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**virgy virge** to  **nyquil**

**virgy virge:** you BITCH

**nyquil:** what’d you expect????

**nyquil:** me not to accept the challenge???

**nyquil:** we both know that no one in this family can back down from a challenge

**virgy virge:** well, yeah, but it wasn’t a proper challenge and you know that

**nyquil:** do you want to challenge me?

**virgy virge:** honestly, not really

**nyquil:** yeah, that’s fair, i’ve got too much shit on you

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **sad clown hours**

**virgy virge:** yeah, then i got taller so i had to quit

**roro:** but you’re so unathletic?????

**virgy virge:** hey????? you’re an asshole????

**roro:** sorry, you just don’t seem like the sports type, you know?

**roro:** and also not flexible

**virgy virge:** ouch

**lo:** roman, you’re digging yourself into a hole

**roro:** yeah, i know, it’s a problem

**virgy virge:** it’s okay, dude

**lo:** you’re a disaster and i love you for it

**sure jan:** k, but can we all agree that roman’s a himbo?

**roro:** ????

**patpat:** i thought that was just an unspoken agreement?????

**roro:** _?????_

**roro:** y’all calling me a dumbass????

**raccoon:** yeah lol

**sure jan:** at least we’re calling you an attractive dumbass

**roro:** that doesn’t make me feel much better

**roro:** like, yeah, i already knew both of those things, but damn

**virgy virge:** not to be rude, but that’s a little vain???

**lo:** no, he feels so shitty about himself all the time, so i have to remind him a lot that he’s a good person and i think it’s starting to kick in

**lo:** he needs constant validation and i’m happy to give it to him

**roro:** we both give each other validation and it’s great

**sure jan:** man, ideal relationship

**lo:** don’t idealize relationships, we do have our flaws

**roro:** yeah, we’re dumbasses most of the time lol

  
**raccoon:** yeah, but aren’t we all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna try and write as much as i can before school starts so i can keep y'all entertained, especially since i write when i'm nervous, which i'm about to a lot of
> 
> no promises on a consistent schedule, but i'll promise i'll try


	87. petty ass bitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo
> 
> i fucking LOVE intruality and it's a crime that there's not enough material for them. people who headcannon it as a toxic relationship are COWARDS and i'm going to deck them

**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **patpat**

**raccoon:** heyyyyyyyyyy

**patpat:** heyyyyyyy

**raccoon:** i’m bored :((((

**patpat:** why?

**raccoon:** idk, nothing is stimulating enough for my dumb brain and it’s dumb owner

**patpat:** do you wanna come over?

**raccoon:** am i allowed?

**patpat:** uh, duh

**patpat:** you’re my best friend, of course you’re allowed over

**raccoon:** cool cool cool

**patpat:** we can play mario kart and watch some movies and stuff

**raccoon:** !!!!! i love watching stuff!!!!

**raccoon:** are your moms home?

**patpat:** nah, it’s only me and janus, but janus is about to go out with roman and virgil

**raccoon:** lmao nerds

**patpat:** oh, be nice, ree

**raccoon:** hmmmm,,,, how about no

**patpat:** :(

**raccoon:** fine

**patpat:** :)

**raccoon:** ugh, stop being such a good influence on me

**patpat:** no <3

**raccoon:** you’re awful and i hate you >:(

**patpat:** lmao no you don’t

**raccoon:** you’re right, i could never hate you 

**raccoon:** you, the raccoon behind my house, me, the other raccoon behind my house that “hug” every night at three

**patpat:** aw <3333333

**raccoon:** i’m so glad you’re in tune with my weird shit otherwise this relationship would absolutely not work

**patpat:** you’re insane and i love you for it

**raccoon:** couple goals: i’m a gross idiot and you still find me amazing

**patpat:** it’s because you  _ are _ amazing!!!!!!

**raccoon:** you are too!!!!!

**patpat:** !!!!

**raccoon:** !!!!!

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sad clown hours**

**sure jan:** intruality.jpg

**sure jan:** k, these fuckers are adorable, y’all

**roro:** man, that’s some gay ass shit

**raccoon:** uh, yeah, i sure hope so

**patpat:** lmao stalker

**sure jan:**

**sure jan;** pat, we live in the same house, how could i be a stalker???

**patpat:** just bc we live in the same house doesn’t mean that you have to take pics of me when i’m cuddling with ree 

**sure jan:** you were in the living room?????

**patpat:** ???? still a stalker????

**sure jan:** ??????????

**sure jan:** i literally did nothing wrong

**sure jan:** plus, virgil was the one who told me to take the picture

**virgy virge:** YOU FUCKIN NARC

**sure jan:** :)

**roro:** i can’t tell if you hate each other or love each other and it’s concerning

**virgy virge:** it’s a mixture of both

**sure jan:** yeah, it’s called hate fucking

**virgy virge:** enemies to lovers, 2k word count, ongoing chapter fic

**lo:** apparently i can’t go to therapy without my phone blowing up with messages

**lo:** i’m literally about to mute this chat

**raccoon:** bet

**lo:** okay, sure

**raccoon:** wait, no, i was just kidding

**raccoon:** logan

**raccoon:** hey logan

**raccoon:** loooooooogannnnnnn

**raccoon:** lolo?

**raccoon:** lololicious???

**raccoon:** did he actually mute us????

**virgy virge:** i think so lol

**raccoon:** time to be petty

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** has created a group chat!

**raccoon** has added **virgy virge** ,  **roro** ,  **sure jan** ,  **patpat** , and  **lo**

**raccoon** has named the chat  **petty ass bitches**

**raccoon:** logan fucking bishop, don’t fucking ignore me

**lo:** ???????

**patpat:** you muted us?

**lo:** yeah

**patpat:** oh :(

**roro:** god, i can feel the sad puppy dog eyes through the screen

**lo:** patton has power over us and he knows it

**patpat:** i do :)

**raccoon:** this mans has too much power over us

**virgy virge:** honestly, i willingly put my life in his hands

**sure jan:** dude, i live with patton, and let’s just say that’s not a good idea

**virgy virge:** ????? why????

**sure jan:** just trust me, man

**sure jan:** master fucking manipulator

**sure jan:** he could easily kick me off of debate team

**roro:** aren’t you the president????

**sure jan:** like i said, he could easily do it

**sure jan:** people don’t tend to like poc in charge

**raccoon:** dude, point me in their direction, baby likes to beat racist idiots

  
**virgy virge:** the true american hero we need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can just imagine pat and remus just dancing in the kitchen at three in the morning to diana by one direction whilst baking cookies. like, i need it to be a thing


	88. advil pm, zquil, nyquil, and heavy sleep medication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i see one more comment about how anxceit is only good for unsympathetic janus, i'm going to eat your ass, and NOT in the sexy way
> 
> also, this is kinda shitty, so sorry. i'm stressing out about school and my creative efforts have only made me draw big bird in lingerie

**patpat** to  **petty ass bitches**

**patpat:** so i may have adopted another freshman

**virgy virge:** oh my god

**virgy virge:** pat, you can’t keep doing this

**patpat:** i know, i know, but he just was so sweet and nice!!

**raccoon:** didn’t you already adopt one?

**patpat:** well yeah, but i’m allowed to have friends!

**patpat:** plus, he was so nice!

**patpat:** i had no choice!!

**sure jan:** you absolutely had a choice????

**roro:** wait, who is it?

**patpat:** this kid, emile

**patpat:** i saw his steven universe shirt i  _ had _ to say hi and  _ ohmygodhewassonice _

**lo:** and here we go again

**patpat:** don’t be rude, let me vibe

**virgy virge:** wait, that kid is like, remy’s best friend

**lo:** oh, that kid

**lo:** he’s a therapist in the making

**lo:** i’m his partner for best buddies and he immediately tried to psychoanalyze me

**patpat:** wait, he’s autistic?

**lo:** yeah, he has asbergers 

**virgy virge:** you’re a part of the best buddies program?

**virgy virge:** oh yeah, i forgot, you’re literally involved in every extracurricular activity in the history of the world

**lo:** not really, just the ones that sound impressive on transcripts

**lo:** if i don’t get into my top three colleges i’m gonna be pissed that i’ve wasted four years of sitting during latin club, acadec, philosophy club, and fucking  _ newspaper _

**lo:** i don’t think i’ve ever hated something more than newspaper

**raccoon:** dude, clubs are just so shitty

**raccoon:** i went to anime club but everyone there was fucking weebs and losers

**roro:** ????? you don’t watch anime????

**raccoon:** yeah, i just wanted to make fun of people but it was too easy and i got bored really fast

**raccoon:** so then i went to creative writing but ended up falling into something beautiful

**roro:** yeah, i had to attend a meeting with him and i’ve never seen him focus on something so much

**raccoon:** i get to use my pink wrinkle and not get judged by anyone

**raccoon:** plus, ms. costanza says i have potential as a writer and i don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before

**raccoon:** someone says they believe in me and i go feral

**patpat:** ???? do you need a hug???

**raccoon:** patty, i always need a hug

**sure jan:** man, i really wish philosophy club was more fun, it had so much potential

**roro:** what do y’all even do in there?

**sure jan:** get high and watch phineas and ferb

**raccoon:** DUDE, I AM SO THERE NEXT WEEK

**virgy virge:** might fuck around and join philosophy club

**sure jan:** oh my god, please do that, logan just does his homework and is kinda boring in general

**lo:** okay, ouch

**roro:** yeah, that’s a little mean

**sure jan:** sorry, i’m just sleepy rn

**sure jan:** my sleep medication ran out and i can’t sleep anymore

**virgy virge:** dude, i remember one time, i couldn’t sleep bc i had a bad headache, so i took advil pm, zquil, nyquil and my sleep medication and i passed the fuck out

**virgy virge:** like, i don’t think i’ve ever koncked out that hard

**raccoon:** hmmmmm

**lo:** that,,,,, doesn’t sound healthy

**virgy virge:** if i was going for healthy, i wouldn’t be who i am today

**raccoon:** what, a loser with anxiety?

**virgy virge:** yeah, probably

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **petty ass bitches**

**roro:** i ca;nt bleiev clowns r real.;;;;; wha tthe fuck,,,,

**raccoon:** DID YOU JUST DISCOVER MIRRORS?

**roro:** SHUT UP!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**virgy virge:** can y’all like, actually shut the fuck up

**raccoon:** no <3

**virgy virge:** >:(

**lo:** do i need to mute this chat too?

**raccoon:** wait,,, please don’t

**lo:** don’t test me, i’m bitter rn

**roro:** are you okay?

**lo:** i don’t really want to talk about it through here

**roro:** do you want me to come over?

**lo:** can i come to you?

**roro:** yeah, of course

**raccoon:** y’all are so gay

**roro:** ???? why are you like this????

**raccoon:** maybe it’s just genetics cause you’re a dumbass too

**roro:** bro, fuck off

**sure jan:** i mean, is he wrong???

**roro:** betrayed???? by my own best friend????

  
**sure jan:** eat shit, loser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole advil pm and other sleep shit was actually something i did. i went to bed at 9:30 and woke up at noon. it's great, but i don't recommend it lol. 
> 
> also, i may or may not elaborate on logan's cranky mood, idk yet


	89. let's focus on the negative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this during fourth period, so enjoy
> 
> also, this chapter is, uh, interesting, to say the least. like, it's pretty strange

**raccoon** to  **petty ass bitches**

**raccoon:** what do you think roman and logan are talking about?

**virgy virge:** idk man

**virgy virge:** i don’t think they’re gonna break up or anything

**sure jan:** yeah, i’d go ahead and throw that theory out the window, they’re too mushy to do that

**patpat:** maybe???? just maybe he’s just had a bad day???????

**sure jan:** nah, that’d just be boring

**virgy virge:** yeah, logan never just has bad days, there’s always something wrong

**patpat:** controversial opinion: maybe it’s none of our business????

**virgy virge:** oh

**raccoon:** damnit, i hate when you’re right

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**roro** to  **lo**

**roro:** i thought you said you’d come over?

**lo:** yeah, i don’t want anyone to overhear us or anything because it would be awful

**roro:** are you okay????

**roro:** well, obviously not, but are you????

**lo:** so

**lo:** we may have a problem

**roro:** ????

**lo:** so, i was supposed to get my period about a month ago

**roro:** _??????_

**lo:** and now i don’t know what to do

**roro:** aren’t you on birth control???

**lo:** yeah, but i guess i was in the small percentage

**roro:** but we used condoms?????

**lo:** maybe one of them tore, i don’t know

**lo:** all i know is that my hormones are all over the place, i’m not a virgin, i haven’t gotten my period, and  _ i don’t know what to do _

**roro:** it’s okay, we’re gonna figure this out

**roro:** have you taken a test?

**lo:** no, because i don’t want to go out in public and buy it, nor do i want to ask my dad or anything

**roro:** wait, i think i have an idea

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**roro** to  **raccoon**

**roro:** i need a favor

**raccoon:** yo

**roro:** you have to promise not to tell anyone or ask any questions, okay?

**raccoon:** oooooh, fun!

**roro:** remus, i’m serious

**raccoon:** sorry, okay

**roro:** i need you to buy a pregnancy test

**raccoon:** i’m sorry,  _ what???? _

**roro:** no questions, remember?

**raccoon:** okay, but you can’t just drop that without expecting questions

**raccoon:** what if i pinky promise not to tell anyone?

**raccoon:** cause the amount of secrets that you have that i haven’t told anyone is insane

**roro:** i don’t know if that’s a good idea

**raccoon:** please????

**raccoon:** for me??

**roro:** fine

**roro:** there’s a small possibility that logan and i made a mistake

**raccoon:** oh fuck

**raccoon:** so, do you want high end or dollar store?

**roro:** ????

**raccoon:** like, what’s your price range?

**roro:** preferably a more high-end one bc more reliable maybe???

**raccoon:** got it, got it

**roro:** i’ll pay you back btw

**raccoon:** yeah, no you’re not

**roro:** ????

**raccoon:** if it ends up wonky, i gotta be a responsible uncle

**roro:** don’t go all mushy on me, i need someone reliable

**raccoon:** right, right, sorry

**raccoon:** so, y’all fucked, right?

**roro:** oh my god, i’m never asking you for help ever again

**raccoon:** too bad, i just left kroger

**raccoon:** it’s now or never, baby

**roro:** thanks, baby bro

**raccoon:** no problem, big bro

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**roro** to  **lo**

**roro:** it’s been taken care of

**lo:** ????? what’d you do????

**roro:** okay, you’re gonna be mad at me

**lo:** oh god

**roro:** but remus and i have a pact that we never share the extreme secrets we have

**lo:** _you told remus????_

**roro:** see, i knew you’d be mad, but i promise you he’s not going to tell anyone

**roro:** we’ve had a pact since i told him i was bi and he told me that he’s gay

**lo:** just don’t tell anyone else, okay?

**roro:** of course, i don’t really trust any of the other guys

**roro:** plus, remus just solved the test problem

**lo:** ????

**roro:** yeah, he said he wants to be a responsible uncle or whatever

**lo:** god that’s so weird to hear

**lo:** plus, i don’t think i’d keep it

**roro:** oh thank god

**lo:** yeah, i think we both knew that wasn’t going to happen

**roro:** yeah, that’d fucking suck, ngl

**roro:** we’re not emotionally stable enough for a kid

**lo:** not to mention how we’re seventeen

**lo:** we’re so dumb and we have no life experience

**roro:** _honestly_

**roro:** like, maybe one day, but not right now

**lo:** what do you mean, one day?

**roro:** uh

**roro:** like, once we’re out of school and we, yknow, get married maybe?

**lo:** oh

**roro:** you know, nevermind, forget it, it was dumb

**lo:** no, no, that sounds really great, actually

**roro:** huh

**lo:** god, we’re so fucking gross

**roro:** yeah, but it’s what we’re good at

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **petty ass bitches**

**virgy virge:** okay, but i’m actually curious, though

**virgy virge:** what do you think they’re doing???

**raccoon:** k, but you should probably leave it alone

**virgy virge:** _they told you?????_

**sure jan:** BETRAYAL

**virgy virge:** tell us tell us

**raccoon:** hmmmmm,,,,,, no.

**sure jan:** why not????

**raccoon:** i was sworn to secrecy

**raccoon:** plus, it’s more of a personal thing

**virgy virge:** oh whoops

**sure jan:** yeah, that’s my bad, sorry

**patpat:** i fucking told you so

**virgy virge:** yeah, i guess you did

**patpat:** yeah, fucking cry for me

**sure jan:** ????? you okay???

**patpat:** probably

**patpat:** probably not, actually

**virgy virge:** mood

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**nyquil** to  **virgy virge**

**nyquil:** i forgot to ask you yesterday, but i saw remus at kroger yesterday buying a pregnancy test????

**virgy virge:** wait what the fuck

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **petty ass bitches**

**virgy virge:** remus, why the fuck did remy see you buying a pregnancy test yesterday????

**raccoon:** i wanted to know whether certain random liquids showed up as pregnant or not

**raccoon:** so far, pickle juice is the only one that’s showed up as pregnant

**virgy virge:** of fucking course you’re doing that

**virgy virge:** can i ask why???

**raccoon:** bitch, you think i know why the fuck my brain thinks the things it does???

**virgy virge:** idk, just thought i’d ask just in case

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**lo** to  **roro**

**lo:** false alarm

**roro:** really??

**lo:** yeah, i just got my period

**roro:** oh thank fucking god

**roro:** no offense, but i don’t think i could handle that

**lo:** me neither, honestly

**lo:** okay, i’m coming over now

**roro:** _please_

**roro:** remus is pestering me with questions and it’s so annoying

**lo:** i’ll be there in five

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **petty ass bitches**

**roro:** why are y’all so nosey????

**virgy virge:** why you so secretive????

**lo:** because it’s relationship shit???

**virgy virge:** and i’m your best friend?????

**lo:** fine

**lo:** roman and i almost made a mistake

**virgy virge:** ?????

**roro:** remus, you wanna say it?

**raccoon:** _I WAS ALMOST AN UNCLE!_

**virgy virge:** waiT WHAT _ T HE FUCK??? _

**sure jan:** Y’ALL ARE SO FUCKING HORNY WTF

**patpat:** oh my god

**patpat:** i thought i was supposed to be the dad of the group but i guess y’all were trying to beat me to it

**roro:** sdkfjlsdj PATTON

**patpat:** hehe >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact- my sister just had something like this happen to her and i immediately said gimme


	90. emo but hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school fucking sucks and i'm dropping out of art.

**nyquil** to  **tea spill**

**nyquil:** someone stop me, please

**sure jan:** ????

**lo:** oh god, what’d you do???

**nyquil:** i’m about to ask virgil for fashion advice

**sure jan:** _oh no_

**sure jan:** he wears the same thing every day, why the fuck would that be a good idea?????

**nyquil:** cause i’m a little desperate

**sure jan:** fine, it’s your death warrant

**nyquil:** yeah, this isn’t a good idea

**lo:** sorry, i’ve had enough problems for the week, i can’t help you with this one

**nyquil:** wait, what happened??

**sure jan:** him and roman almost potentially made a kid

**nyquil:**

**nyquil:** k, we’re just gonna ignore that for now and focus on my issues

**lo:** oh thank god

  
  


Break

  
  


**Private Message**

**nyquil** to  **virgy virge**

**nyquil:** okay, i’m about to do something that i may regret

**virgy virge:** you okay???

**nyquil:** i need some fashion advice

  
  


* * *

  
  


Remy tensed as he heard footsteps racing down the hall. His door slammed open and was immediately tackled in a hug. They both fell onto his bed and Remy let out a small scream.

“Get off of me, freak!” He pushed Virgil off of him.

“I’ve been waiting for this for years!” Virgil laughed, practically dragging Remy to his room. 

“Boys, no fighting!” Their mom yelled from the downstairs.

“Sorry, mom,” Virgil shouted. There was a moment of silence before they both burst out laughing. “C’mon, nerd, let’s fix you up.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**nyquil** to  **the whole gang**

**nyquil:** lowkey, virgil knows how to dress nice

**sure jan:** ????

**virgy virge:** ???? did you doubt me???

**sure jan:** v, you literally wear the same jacket every day

**sure jan:** don’t even try me with that “they’re slightly different” bullshit, they’re the fucking same

**virgy virge:** ouchie

**nyquil:** yeah, but he made me look emo but hot

**lo:** is there really such a thing??

**raccoon:** duh, it’s how i look

**patpat:** no, it’s more like sexy rat

**virgy virge:** i hate that it was patton that said that

**patpat:** honestly, someone stop me

**raccoon:** nah, i like feral you

**patpat:** awwww, i love feral you too!!!!!!

**lo:** god, someone stop  _ both _ of them

**raccoon:** not even god can stop me

**roro:** yeah, but moths can

**raccoon:** listen, mothman is daddy, but regular moths are fucking terrifying

**patpat:** you have the weirdest fears, ree

**roro:** aren’t you like, terrified of spiders??

**patpat:** yeah, but it’s rational

**patpat:** spiders are the worst and they can kill you

**lo:** actually most spiders can’t

**patpat:** shhhh, you’re wrong, just admit it

**lo:** ????

**raccoon:** he’s not rational when it comes to spiders

**lo:** i can see that

**nyquil:** now i see why we never use this chat

**roro:** ????

**nyquil:** y’all won’t fucking shut up

**virgy virge:** lmao sorry

**nyquil:** no you’re not

**virgy virge:** you’re absolutely right, i’m not

**nyquil:** fucking rude

**virgy virge:** oh, look who’s talking

**raccoon:** wow, now who won’t shut up?

**nyquil:** fuck off, loser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unpopular opinion- all those jokes about virgil wanting to kill himself are WAY overdone now and are repeating themselves. also, the infinitesimal thing stopped being funny after the first time it was mentioned.
> 
> this is all i've been seeing on my feed lately and oh my god, it's so fucking annoying


	91. build a bear and ferb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to go to build a bear so bad

**raccoon** to  **eat azz daily**

**raccoon:** loooooogan logan logan

**lo:** can i help you with something?

**virgy virge:** you wanna go to build a bear with us?

**lo:** i’ve never been there before, so sure

**raccoon:** W HAT

**raccoon:** k, i’m gonna buy your build a bear for you

**sure jan:** lo, it’s a magical experience

**sure jan:** make sure to have a wish ready

**lo:** i’m so fucking confused

**lo:** why the fuck do i need a wish?

**sure jan:** they add a little heart inside your bear and you make a wish on it and it’s supposed to come true

**virgy virge:** i think i just love build a bear

**virgy virge:** they have an online exclusive lucky hug bear and i want it so bad

**virgy virge:** i just love build a bear so much

**lo:** dude, it’s a place for children

**virgy virge:** fuck off, let me live my life

**sure jan:** be nice, darling

**virgy virge:** no

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**raccoon** to  **patpat**

**raccoon:** i just got you a build a bear!!!!

**patpat:** !!!!!!!!!

**patpat:** CURRENTLY SCREAMING

**raccoon:** his name is ferb and he’s our son now

**patpat:** god, i’m like, legit so excited

**patpat:** also, phineas and ferb, nice

**raccoon:** yeah, we should go out later and get a phineas

**patpat:** askdflkfldk i want that so bad

**patpat:** i love our version of dates

**raccoon:** far superior

**patpat:** do you want to come over in the mean time and watch phineas and ferb?

**raccoon:** uh, duh

**raccoon:** i’d be an idiot not to do that

**patpat:** see you soon <3

**raccoon:** <3

  
  


* * *

  
  


**lo** to  **petty ass bitches**

**lo:** okay, who the fuck logged into my disney + account and watched most of phineas and ferb???

**raccoon:** uh

**patpat:** *sweats*

**lo:** you’ve skewed  _ all _ of my recommended page and i hate it

**lo:** also, remus watched mighty med and that alone warrants anger

**raccoon:** listen, it’s a good show

**sure jan:** ????? no???? it’s not????

**raccoon:** yeah, you’re right, but i like it, so it’s valid

**roro:** yeah, i guess, but jesus, dude, it’s so bad

**raccoon:** i know lol

**patpat:** sorry, logan

**lo:** it’s fine, just ask next time

**raccoon:** yeah, i should just get my own account lol

**raccoon:** i’ve been using your account for months now

**lo:** you BITCH

**patpat:** idk why but logan screaming “you bitch” and launching himself at remus is so fucking funny to me

**virgy virge:** honestly, logan’s so close to snapping and i, for one, can’t wait to see it

**lo:** i’m a hair away from pulling the trigger, i swear

**lo:** if one more person uses a subscription that i own, i’m going to fucking lose it

**lo:** except for roman, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants

**roro:** <3

**raccoon:** bias????

**lo:** yeah, that’s exactly what’s going on

**virgy virge:** it’s like when the judge is sleeping with the defendant

**roro:** what can i say, i can easily sway the votes ;)

**virgy virge:** okay, yeah, don’t talk like that in the chat ever again, roman

**roro:** no, dumbass

**virgy virge:** shit ass

**roro:** lookin ass

**virgy virge:** headass

**sure jan:** shut the fuck up, both of you

**patpat:** honestly

**lo:** it’s so weird that they’re friends when they hate each other

**raccoon:** yeah, it doesn’t really make sense

**virgy virge:** is that not what friendly banter is????

**raccoon:** ????? no?????

**roro:** whoops

**lo:** y’all are dumbasses

**roro:** how did you not know this????

**lo:** no, i’m well aware, i just thought maybe you had more common sense than you actually do

  
**roro:** love you too, darling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so many hot takes that i need to rant about but i know the note section isn't the place for it


	92. noses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who officially dropped out of ap art 4!!!! the main reason i did it was bc it was a very competitive environment and i really like to do it more for fun; everyone was super good and i'm average; the girl across from me liked to make transphobic comments to me and laughed at my art (which i know is bad, but jesus, dude) and i hated my teacher. if you become a teacher, be prepared to respect someone's fucking pronouns. don't be a dick

**roro** to  **petty ass bitches**

**roro:** someone PLEASE stop remus

**lo:** what’s he doing?

**raccoon:** yeah, try to fucking stop me

**patpat:** i’m so worried about you :(

**raccoon:** nvm, there’s one person who can stop me

**patpat:** :D

**lo:** i’m really glad that patton grew out of his phase of using noses in his hand typed emojis

**raccoon:** people who used noses deserve to die

**raccoon:** patton, you’re fine bc you’ve redeemed yourself

**patpat:** thank god

**patpat:** i think i’m the only one here that doesn’t want to die

**lo:** dude, i know for a fact that that’s a lie

**patpat:** shhhhh don’t expose me like this

**raccoon:** yeah, patton’s secretly the most depressed out of all of us

**patpat:** why am i being dragged for my mental health??

**roro:** because we’re not making fun of me

**roro:** wait, that’s weird, where’s virgil and janus???

**raccoon:** they’re probably fucking

**patpat:** please don’t talk about my brother having hypothetical sex in front of me, i don’t really want to think about that

**raccoon:** oops, sorry

**lo:** yeah, plus, it’s a jump to a conclusion

**lo:** they could just be hanging out or something

**raccoon:** logan, for most people, 90% of them hanging out means they’re boneing

**lo:** oh

**lo:** i still agree with patton, i don’t want to think about my best friend doing that

**roro:** i forgot that not everyone is desensitized to remus lol

**raccoon:** they’re just cowards

**lo:** ???? rude?????

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **petty ass bitches**

**raccoon:** I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM

**lo:** fuck fuCK FUCK

**lo:** SOMEONE COME HELP ME

**virgy virge:** ?????

**lo:** I’M TRYING TO FUCKING HOLD REMUS BACK FROM KILLING ROMAN AND HOLY FUCK, HE’S TRYING TO BREAK THE DOOR DOWN

**sure jan:** omw

**virgy virge:** ??? what the fuck is happening????

**patpat:** roman threw beans out of the house

**roro:** HE FCUKING ATTACKED ME

**raccoon:** IT’S NOT HIS FAULT, SHUT THE FUCK UP

**patpat:** k, so, roman was getting ready in the morning, he went downstairs and beans jumped off the balcony and onto his head and scratched up his face so he threw him out of the house

**roro:** THAT STUPID FUCKING RAT RUINED MY FACE AND COULD’VE GAVE ME RABIES

**raccoon:** HE’S A RACCOON YOU FUCKING LOSER

**virgy virge:** okay, both of you, shut the fuck up for a minute

**virgy virge:** roman- you have a reason to be upset, but beans is remus’s pet, he loves the stupid raccoon

**virgy virge:** remus- roman was physically harmed by your pet, he was understandably upset, but acted irrationally. roman didn’t do it to intentionally hurt your feelings, he was just acting on impulse (like everything else he does). also, raccoons shouldn’t be domesticated, this was bound to happen eventually

**lo:** dude, when did you turn into a therapist???

**virgy virge:** i don’t fucking know, dude

**virgy virge:** i was getting overwhelmed, so i wanted to fix it

**raccoon:** sorry virge

**roro:** yeah, remus, it wasn’t really directed at you or anything, it was the frustration from everything that’s been going on rn

**lo:** good, he finally calmed down

**raccoon:** yeah, sorry for giving you a black eye, logan

**lo:** it’s fine, you were just acting irrationally, i know you have trouble controlling yourself during your episodes

**raccoon:** well i still feel bad

**lo:** remus, it’s completely fine, i’m just glad i wore my contacts that day

**raccoon:** if you say so

**lo:** okay, so i open the door to leave, and sitting there was the saddest raccoon i’ve ever seen

**raccoon:** !!!! he came back!!!!!

**raccoon:** my baby!!!!

**roro:** oh thank god, if he didn’t come back, remus would kill me

**raccoon:** oh, no doubt about it

**lo:** you two worry me

**patpat:** we can worry about them together, don’t worry

**sure jan:** i think we’re all concerned about them

**virgy virge:** retweet

**roro:** i mean i guess it’s nice to have someone care about me

**lo:** of course we care about you

  
**roro:** fake news smh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've watched the entirety of phineas and ferb so many times but i can't stop watching it
> 
> i'm writing this from home bc i'm taking a mental health day (partly bc i was about to have a panic attack) but i feel so much better
> 
> also, just found out that you can do co-creators on fics and????? i don't understand???? like, fundamentally, i get it, but i don't think i could ever have someone else working on this, it feels too weird


	93. mental stability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey
> 
> i fell down in the heb parking lot and my face looks fucked up lol

**lo** to  **petty ass bitches**

**lo:** it’s truly petty ass bitches hours

**patpat:** uh oh

**lo:** there’s this kid in my calc class who likes to be a dick to the teacher and he asked me for answers on the homework and i gave him the dumbest answers to show the teacher that he’s just a dumbass bc she doesn’t deserve the shit she gets from the kids

**raccoon:** what a king

**virgy virge:** logan’s so fucking petty all the time

**lo:** it’s my defining trait

**roro:** yeah, other than being freakishly smart

**lo:** okay, i’m not freakishly smart

**virgy virge:** dude, i’ve been through your mail, colleges are banging down your door, trying to get you to go there

**lo:** you went through my mail???

**roro:** don’t forget the fact that you’re literally valedictorian of our class and got a nearly perfect score on the sat

**lo:** still, it’s not freakish or anything

**virgy virge:** i-

**lo:** my general vibe isn’t freakish

**lo:** at least i hope not

**sure jan:** nah, you put out that hot nerd aesthetic

**lo:** well thank god i’ve got something going for me

**roro:** i mean, it got me, so i think you’re fine

**lo:** i’d like to think that you also like my personality???

**roro:** ofc, dw

**raccoon:** nah, it’s all sex appeal for you two

**roro:** yeah, and that’s why we’ve had a successful relationship for almost two years

**raccoon:** k, so maybe i was a little off

**lo:** we also very much love each other

**raccoon:** so i was a lot off, sue me

**virgy virge:** bet

**sure jan:** yeah, careful, i’ll take all of your money in court

**raccoon:** yeah, but think about all of the lawyers and the cost

**sure jan:** oh, and don’t forget about the cost of the suits that we’d have to buy bc it’d probably spread out over a couple of days

**raccoon:** yeah, it’d be too much hassle, just rob me

**sure jan:** would you rather me do it at a random time, or just now?

**raccoon:** surprise me ;)

**virgy virge:** hey man, back off

**lo:** we’re all jealous bitches, aren’t we

**virgy virge:** oh, ofc

**lo:** i remember when we first started dating, i had to work with this guy on a group project and roman was so jealous and it was hilarious

**lo:** he wasn’t pushy or anything about it, but you could just see it on his face

**sure jan:** dude, even before you guys went out, when logan had that one boyfriend, roman hated him so fucking much

**lo:** really??

**roro:** yeah lol

**roro:** i thought i didn’t have a chance and got upset

**virgy virge:** and he failed to realize that the guy he was dating was super similar to roman but wasn’t as hot and was somehow more annoying

**roro:** there was a compliment but then an insult so idk what to feel rn

**virgy virge:** you’re random dude 2.0, dw

**roro:** oh thank god

**lo:** it’s true, you’re one hundred percent better

**roro:** !!!!!! validation!!!!!

**lo:** i need to compliment you more, your self-esteem is ridiculously low

**lo:** also, please talk to a therapist, this group chat isn’t a substitute

**roro:** hmmmmmm,,,,,, no

**lo:** oh my god

**sure jan:** everyone here needs to get help for their psychological trauma

**lo:** jokes on you, i’m already seeing a psychiatrist

**sure jan:** fine, excluding me and logan

**roro:** honestly, i talk about my feelings all the time to anyone who will listen

**roro:** there are a lot of people who know a lot about me

**lo:** uh oh

**raccoon:** it’s funny that you think i’d ever talk to someone about my feelings

**patpat:** honestly me too

**sure jan:** i hope you know that this is going to backfire on you one day and i’ll be there to say i told you so

**virgy virge:** why do you always sound slightly menacing and/or threatening

**sure jan:** hm

**raccoon:** uh oh

**sure jan:** no it’s fine, i’ve just got something to take care of

**virgy virge:** see, like i said, vaguely menacing and threatening

**virgy virge:** anyways, i gotta run

**virgy virge:** i have a feeling that i’m about to be in trouble

**sure jan:** you may be, you may not be

**raccoon:** run, my dude

**virgy virge:** nah, i aint no scared bitch

**virgy virge:** wait wtf i am, why did i say that

**virgy virge:** OH FUCK

  
**raccoon:** i think he just died

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished all my music theory homework for the week and i'm having a great time, honestly 
> 
> also, i literally thrive off of your comments, thanks y'all


	94. ducks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man i'm tired

**virgy virge** to  **petty ass bitches**

**virgy virge:** I’M BEING FUCKING BULLIED

**raccoon:** IT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE

**virgy virge:** LIKE I SAID, BULLIED

**lo:** to be fair, that was so fucking funny

**virgy virge:** fucking traitor

**patpat:** wow, it’s eight in the morning and we’ve already started swearing

**raccoon:** you’re saying that like you haven’t sworn today at all

**patpat:** shhhhhh secrets

**roro:** it ain’t a secret, my dude, i’m in the same first period as you

**raccoon:** dude, the entire saxophone section thinks it’s so fucking funny when he swears

**lo:** i keep forgetting that y’all are in the same sections

**virgy virge:** wow, imagine being a woodwind,,,, could  _ never _ be me

**roro:** this post was made by the brass gang

**lo:** honestly, imagine being a single reed instrument

**sure jan:** fucking retweet my guy

**lo:** ngl, double reeds are just a superior race

**virgy virge:** i’m telling remy you said that

**sure jan:** we also sound more fun

**raccoon:** y’all sound like fucking ducks, what do you mean???

**lo:** yeah, this duck made all-state his freshman year, so suck it

**raccoon:** ouch

**roro:** yeah, one thing i’ve learned is to never question logan’s abilities or smarts

**roro:** he gets super defensive

**raccoon:** yeah, i can see that now

**lo:** i just don’t like people insulting what i do

**raccoon:** bro, it was a joke, chill out

**sure jan:** wow, imagine getting dragged for being a saxophone lol

**roro:** why are we still talking about band???

**lo:** honestly idk

**sure jan:** so then what are we gonna talk about?

**virgy virge:** wait, we’re in school, i forgot

**sure jan:** logan, are you on your phone during school???

**raccoon:** gasp!

**raccoon:** blasphemy!!

**lo:** i have independent studies this period, let me live my life

**roro:** wait, y’all are doing the same thing

**raccoon:** yeah, but janus and i have lating this period and we both refuse to learn any latin

**virgy virge:** chill out

**raccoon:** i think patton is the only one not on his phone

**roro:** him and logan are the only ones who care about school

**lo:** it’s because i have a gpa to keep up

**raccoon:** wait, what’s your gpa? ~~~~

**lo:** 4.9

**raccoon:** WTF

**virgy virge:** dude, the second in our class has a 4.5, i think you’re gonna be fine, lo

**lo:** i don’t want it to drop, we’re only a few months into our senior year

**sure jan:** yeah, but i think you’re going to be fine

**roro:** shhh, let him do what he wants to do

**roro:** if he wants this, he should absolutely do it

**lo:** thank you for being apparently the only one who’s supportive of me

**sure jan:** okay, hold on a minute

**lo:** jkjk, i’m just trying to survive and stay relevant in this chat

**sure jan:** dude, dw, 90% of the time this chat is about you

**lo:** oh

~~  
  
~~

* * *

~~  
  
~~

**sure jan** to  **eat azz daily**

**sure jan:** y’all, i just found the coolest fucking hat in the world

**sure jan:** bowlerhat.jpg

**raccoon:** dude that’s so chaotic

**raccoon:** wait where the fuck would you wear that???

**sure jan:** _places_

**sure jan:** i’ll figure it out

**virgy virge:** i love going to estate sales with you cause you always get the most evil villainous clothes and i love it and you so much

**raccoon:** lmao gay

**virgy virge:** and what about it?

**sure jan:** your point?

**raccoon:** okay, lots of backlash on that one, i get it

**sure jan:** it’s what you deserve

**raccoon:** yeah lol

**lo:** don’t be rude, remus has bad enough self esteem without you here

**raccoon:** thanks lo :)

**lo:** np

**virgy virge:** honestly, poor remus

**virgy virge:** he’s always the comic relief in everything

**raccoon:** my true personality is suppressed

**lo:** yeah, you’re wildly different in real life

**raccoon:** my personality continues to baffle the innocent and i live for it

~~  
**virgy virge:** god, what a vibe ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, next chapter and probably the rest of this is going to have family friendly language bc my mac broke and school laptops suck
> 
> also, brain machine broke, i got nothing to write now and sad


	95. birchtrees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said, this is gonna have a more pg rating bc school laptops are the worst
> 
> also, all you clowns in the comments thinking that choir or orchestra is better than band are just wrong

**lo** to **petty azz birchtrees**

**lo:** i hate my hair

**patpat:** ????

**lo:** i just hate my natural hair color

**raccoon:** but you’re blonde and pretty???

**lo:** yeah, but i look stupid????

**raccoon:** then what do you want to do about it????

**lo:** can we do another round of color?

**raccoon:** sure lol

**sure jan:** patton and i are gonna sit this one out

**raccoon:** lame

**raccoon:** why?

**patpat:** cousin’s wedding

**sure jan:** our moms want us to have natural looking hair

**virgy virge:** big oof my guy

**raccoon:** y’all can still come over if you want

**sure jan:** yeah, i’m bored

**patpat:** same

**virgy virge:** wait wait wait hold on

**virgy virge:** you have blonde hair?? you dye it brown????

**lo:** i thought you knew this???

**virgy virge:** why would i???

**virgy virge:** wait, can you _please_ let it grow out, i want to see it _so bad_

**lo:** no.

**virgy virge:** please?

**lo:** no

**virgy virge:** please?

**lo:** no

**virgy virge:** please?

**lo:** how many times do i have to say no???

**virgy virge:** how many times do i have to ask??

**lo:** ugh

**lo:** fine.

**virgy virge:** YEET

**raccoon:** k, but i still want to hang out and dye my hair with y’all

**virgy virge:** dude, i’m still down

**patpat:** yeah, i want to hang out

**lo:** we can still hang out, but i just won’t dye it

**sure jan:** cool

**lo:** wait, where’s roman?

**raccoon:** he’s at tutoring

**lo:** ???? betrayal????

**raccoon:** that’s literally what i said!!!!

**raccoon:** he said he doesn’t want to bug you and i called him an idiot

**lo:** oh my god

**patpat:** himbo energy

**virgy virge:** roman is peak himbo energy lol

**raccoon:** honestly accurate

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to **petty azz birchtrees**

**roro:** i’m not even here and y’all are dragging me????

**raccoon:** oops

**lo:** i don’t think himbo is an insult????

**virgy virge:** yeah, it means you’re attractive but dumb

**roro:** _oh, well in that case_

**virgy virge:** listen, that’s the best you’re gonna get from me

**roro:** can i do hair dye too uwu

**raccoon:** i don’t really care

**raccoon:** i mean, you do live here, so it’d be weird if you didn’t

**roro:** fair point

**virgy virge:** we’re gonna watch phineas and ferb

**lo:** wait, when did we agree on that?

**virgy virge:** oh, i made the choice for you, don’t worry

**virgy virge:** it was a unanimous decision

**sure jan:** uhhhhh i don’t remember voting

**virgy virge:** babe, i voted for everyone

**roro:** *gags*

**roro:** “babe” is so gross

**virgy virge:** oh shut up

**virgy virge:** says the one who calls logan “starlight”

**roro:** listen, i stand by that nickname

**lo:** it’s a lot better than babe

**raccoon:** i know no one asked me, but i like to call pat sweetheart sometimes

**patpat:** and i, tragically, do not have a pet name for you

**raccoon:** yeah, we gotta get on that soon

**patpat:** how about 4:30 today?

**raccoon:** i’m down if you are?

**patpat:** of course!!!

**roro:** why y’all have to be so cute???

**raccoon:** don’t be salty bc we’re cuter than your crummy relationship

**lo:** ?????

**roro:** yeah, what the heck dude???

**raccoon:** lmao sorry

**roro:** you say that, but i know when you’re lying

**virgy virge:** tWiN TeLEpaTHY cHALlengE

**roro:** k, i know logan’s gonna say that it isn’t real, but sometimes, we can tell exactly what songs we have stuck in our heads

**virgy virge:** what does remus have stuck in his head?

**roro:** probably diana by one direction

**raccoon:** !!!!!! one and done!!!!!

**roro:** !!!!!

**sure jan:** wait, what does roman have??

**raccoon:** where do broken hearts go by one direction

**roro:** !!!!!!!

**raccoon:** !!!!!!

**virgy virge:** okay, other than the fact that i’m hard-core judging you on your music choices, i’m actually kinda impressed

**roro:** what’s that supposed to mean?

**virgy virge:** it means that one direction is cringey

**raccoon:** I’M ABOUT TO BREAK THE FAMILY FRIENDLY RATING, I STG

**roro:** dude, i’ll admit, take me home and up all night are a little cringey, but if you listen to midnight memories, four, and made in the a.m., holy crap, they sound like a different band

**roro:** i also just love harry styles, so go away

**virgy virge:** lmao sure

**raccoon:** k, i’m coming to pick you up, we’re going to drive around for a while and listen to one direction

**virgy virge:** wait, hold on, no no no

**raccoon:** it’s too late, dude, i’m almost to your house

**virgy virge:** it’s so funny that you think that remy’s gonna let you anywhere near our house

**raccoon:** it’s funny that you think i didn’t bring roman to get past the frontlines

**virgy virge:** wait please i have homework

**raccoon:** you weren’t gonna do it anyway, so try again

**virgy virge:** oof

**virgy virge:** i hate that you’re right

**raccoon:** oh my dear virgil, when will you learn that i’m always right?

**virgy virge:** ugh

  
  


* * *

  
  


_I’ve been searchin’ every lonely place_

_Every corner, callin’ out your name_

_Trying to find you but I just don’t know_

_Where do broken hearts go?_

_Tell me ‘cause I’m ten feet down_

_C’mon baby, come and get me out_

“You know, this isn’t that bad,” Virgil hummed.

A grin split across Remus’s face. “What’d I say?”

He groaned. “That you’re always right or whatever.”

“Can y’all be more interesting?” Roman complained from the backseat.

Remus turned around and glared. “Shut up, loser.”

“Remus, watch the fucking road!” Virgil shouted and Remus swerved out of the way of an oncoming car. “Was that interesting enough for you, Roman?”

He just rolled his eyes.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to **petty azz birchtrees**

**virgy virge:** who let the rat get a drivers liscense????

**raccoon:** dude, i’m wondering the same thing

**raccoon:** i literally drove on the wrong side of the road during my test

**lo:** now i don’t feel too good about passing mine

**roro:** yeah, but you’re an actual safe driver

**lo:** i do try

**sure jan:** i’m glad i don’t ride anywhere with remus bc i think i’d die

**patpat:** whenever i go anywhere with him, i make sure to drive

**raccoon:** i’m confident in my terrible driving skills

**roro:** well thank god somebody is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just love one direction so much,,,, four is such a good album
> 
> also, i'm a part of the blonde logan agenda. he dyes it bc he thinks that it makes him look unprofessional and he doesn't like the ditzy blonde stereotype.


	96. blind trust with your friend remus!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title sounds more menacing than it actually is, i promise you it's not bad in any way
> 
> hey, btw, y'all have been RIDICULOUSLY kind to me and i'd just like to say thank you for all the comments and kudos, it really means a lot to me. it's really weird to think that quarantine was how this started. like, i had the first chapter buried in my docs for months and randomly decided to upload it and it's quickly become my favorite thing to write. y'all are so neat and i love you guys

**sure jan** to  **eat azz daily**

**sure jan:** k, can we do something?

**virgy virge:** ????????

**lo:** what’s up?

**sure jan:** i’m just in the mood to do something

**raccoon:** wait i have an idea

**sure jan:** oh???

**raccoon:** are you okay with trusting me blindly?

**virgy virge:** uhhhhh

**lo:** ????

**sure jan:** sure, why not

**raccoon:** pack a bag, we’re going on a road trip

**lo:** may i ask where?

**raccoon:** what part of blind trust do you not understand??

**lo:** oh yeah

**raccoon:** yeah, so pack a bag, we’re going places

**virgy virge:** any specific things we need to bring

**raccoon:** just clothes and probably a swimsuit bc pools

**virgy virge:** got it

**lo:** wait, we’re just going with this??

**sure jan:** yeah

**virgy virge:** sure

**raccoon:** why not?

**lo:** oh, okay i guess

**lo:** how long are we going to be gone?

**raccoon:** idk, maybe like, a week

**lo:** i’ll have to ask my dad, idk if he’ll be fine with it

**virgy virge:** my parents don’t really care so i’m good

**sure jan:** my moms are cool with it

**lo:** k, my dad’s only fine with it if i drive

**lo:** which means we’ll take my car and i’ll tell him that i’m driving and we switch off about a mile off

**raccoon:** devious mind, i love it

**sure jan:** so just in a general direction, where are we going?

**raccoon:** uhhhh west

**virgy virge:** you do realize how much space that gives us in texas, right???

**raccoon:** i kept it vague for lore purposes

**sure jan:** ?????

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **petty azz birchtrees**

**roro:** did half of our friend group just disappear????

**patpat:** i guess

**patpat:** none of them were at school today

**roro:** dang

**virgy virge:** we gone

**sure jan:** we dipped

**lo:** i’ve been stuck in the car with these idiots for three hours and my legs are cramping up

**sure jan:** you wanna switch places?

**lo:** no, you have sunflower seed shells all over the seat

**lo:** btw, we’re stopping soon, i’m out of beef jerky

**virgy virge:** man, you’re running through that

**lo:** i just love beef jerky

**sure jan:** yeah, i’m almost out of ranch sunflower seeds

**roro:** *retches*

**roro:** that’s so nasty

**sure jan:** says the one who likes organic white cheddar doritos

**roro:** dude, go away, i no longer want to see you

**virgy virge:** that’s literally what we’re doing rn

**roro:** oh yeah lol

**raccoon:** dummy

**roro:** aren’t you driving???

**raccoon:** oh yeah

**patpat:** _?????_

**lo:** oh wait, forgot to tell y’all, but for some reason we’re following him blindly

**patpat:** **_?????????????????_ **

**roro:** oh god

**roro:** why did you think that was a good idea????

**sure jan:** we were bored

**roro:** oh my god

**patpat:** do you know where you’re going???

**virgy virge:** he just said west

**roro:** oh, wait, i know where you’re going

**virgy virge:** ???

**roro:** yeah, he’s been planning this for a while

**raccoon:** janus just happened to ask at the exact right moment

**sure jan:** oh rad

**lo:** where are we going?

**raccoon:** roman don’t you dare

**roro:** yeah, i’d rather live, so no

**lo:** ugh

**lo:** i hate you

**roro:** yeah ik

**sure jan:** and meanwhile, remus is still texting and driving

**raccoon:** nah, this is virgil

**raccoon:** i’m typing for him

**raccoon:** i refuse to let him crash

**lo:** how did you not notice, janus??

**sure jan:** bc i’m just vibing in the backseat with my sunflower seeds

**roro:** you know what, i’m sick of this chat name

**roro** has named the chat to  **sunflower seeds** !

**sure jan:** okay i love this name

**lo:** i hate this place, this is so stupid

  
  


**Break**

  
  


Logan went to take a drink from his hydroflask only to find it empty. He sighed. “We need to stop at the next gas station.”

Janus frowned at him. “We just went to the bathroom like, ten minutes ago.”

“Yeah, but I’m out of water and I need to take my birth control soon.”

“Can’t you just take it tomorrow or something?” Remus asked.

Virgil stared at him incredulously. “Do you even know how birth control works?”

“No?”

“If you don’t want me to bleed all over the car, pull over at the next gas station.” Logan snickered at Remus’s sour expression.

“Jesus, fine,” He gagged. “Just don’t get blood anywhere near my gummy worms.”

“Wait, just drink my water,” Virgil held his water bottle out, but Logan wrinkled his nose.

“I don’t know how many diseases you have, so no.”

“Dude, I think I’d know if I had any diseases.”

“Actually, some diseases have longer incubation periods than others and most people don’t realize that they have a disease until symptoms appear. Like the flu has an incubation period of only 1-2 days but other diseases like tuberculosis have incubation periods of 6-24 months and I, for one, don’t want any diseases.” Logan stated matter-of-factly. 

Virgil stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. “Of course you know this information off the top of your head.”

Janus snorted. “Why are you surprised? He does this all the time.”

“What can I say, I like to stay informed.” Logan shrugged and grinned, clearly satisfied with himself.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“If I’m stuck in this car for one more second, I’m going to lose it.” Virgil gritted his teeth, staring out the window.

“Don’t sweat it, loser, we’re almost there,” Remus grinned over at him.

“Fine.” He sighed. “Janus, can you at least stop kicking my seat?” There was a harsh kick and Virgil growled and turned around. “Why am I dating you?”

“Because you love me,” Janus smirked at his boyfriend. 

He scoffed. “Debatable.”

Remus took a sharp turn and Logan nearly fell out of his seat. “Remus, are you wearing a blindfold?”

He giggled. “Nah, just not wearing my contacts.”

Janus and Logan shared a look and Virgil groaned. “Like I said, this sucks.”

“Don’t be a wimp, Virgypoo,” Remus rolled his eyes. “We’re like, a mile away.”

“Why are we in a neighborhood?” Logan frowned.

He huffed. “Because we’re staying at an Airbnb, idiot.”

“Oh,” Logan blinked. “So why was there so much secrecy?”

Remus shrugged. “I don’t know, I was bored.”

“God, I hate this place,” Virgil grumbled and looked to the backseat. “Logan, where are we?”

“He has his airpods in,” Janus reached over and poked Logan’s face. “Hey dumbnut, where are we?”

Logan glared at him. “Austin, asshole.”

Remus snorted. “Of course Logan’s gonna be the one to break the rating, he’s truly the pettiest of us all.” 

“You’re acting like this is news,” Virgil huffed as Janus poked his neck. “I swear to god I’m going break up with you, jerk.”

“No, because you love me,” He sang, grinning.

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “You really wanna test me on that?”

Janus shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

Virgil stared for a second before shaking his head. “You called my bluff, Jay.”

“Like I said, you love me,” He smirked.

Logan groaned. “Can you two shut up before I crash this car?”

“Dude, you’re not even driving.”

“Hey, Remus, crash the car.”

“Bet!” He yanked the steering wheel, making the car swerve and Virgil let out a small scream.

“Are you nuts?” Virgil yelled.

Remus let out a deranged giggle. “Probably. But alas, it’s too late to crash.” He pulled into a driveway. “We’re here, fucktards.”

“Oh thank god,” Logan stumbled out of the car. “I’m never gonna go on a roadtrip with y’all ever again. Well, at least not with Remus driving.”

“Retweet,” Remus slammed the door closed. “So I got this place just for the pool because it’s huge. Also, there’s three beds in case Virgin and Anus wanna get it on.”

Logan cringed. “Please don’t make me listen to that.”

“Don’t worry,” Virgil called out as he got their bags out of the trunk. “Janus’s on probation for bad behavior.”

Janus scoffed. “You kick someone’s seat for a couple of hours and suddenly you’re not getting laid.”

“You also poked the back of my neck several times and gave me a wet willie, so you don’t deserve sympathy.” Virgil slammed the trunk, looking smug. “Plus, you played One Direction and Big Time Rush the entire way up here.”

“You know, he’s got a point,” Logan pointed out.

“I hate all of you.” Janus groaned. “This is why I don’t hang out with people.”

“But you love us,” Remus mocked, giggling. “Plus, you’d lead a very boring life without us.”

Janus opened his mouth to protest before sighing. “I hate it when you’re right.”

Remus cackled. “C’mon, virgins, let’s go vibe!”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**roro** to  **sunflower seeds**

**roro:** man, so i guess they really left us

**patpat:** dang :/

**sure jan:** dude, we’re just having trulys by the pool, chill out

**patpat:** ????? underaged drinking???

**raccoon:** what are you, a cop?

**patpat:** nah, i’m not racist

**roro:** wow, we’re getting topical today

**patpat:** am i wrong???

**raccoon:** no, and it’s a problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> acab, baby
> 
> btw, don't be afraid to talk to me on tumblr, i've had a pretty rough week and i'd love some asks or something


	97. sunburn babey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vacation pt. 2
> 
> if y'all want to see the boys do stupid shit, lemme know

Virgil shot awake, almost falling off of the pool floatie and into the water. He groaned, reaching over for his phone to check the time. There was a temperature warning on the screen and he’d apparently been sleeping for an hour.

He looked around, only to see that the poolside was empty and his mind fled in a brief panic before he could hear the quiet sound of the television on inside the house. Virgil pushed his floatie to the side and carefully got up, slipping on his hawaiian shirt before making his way inside.

Virgil opened the sliding door and sighed in relief at the air conditioning. He smiled at the sound of Gravity Falls on the T.V. in the living room and made his way towards them.

“What are y’all doing?” He asked.

“Watching Gravity Falls,” Remus answered but his eyes stayed glued to the T.V.

Janus glanced at him and stifled a laugh. “Oh my god, Virge.”

Virgil frowned. “What?”

Remus turned around and burst out laughing, almost to the point of cackling and Logan just sighed and stood up. “C’mon, Virgil, I have aloe vera in my room.”

He looked down at his chest and groaned at the sunburnt skin. “Why didn’t you guys wake me up?”

“Because we hate you,” Remus grinned up at him. “Plus, you never sleep, so you needed the nap.”

“Yeah, but not an hour nap in the direct Texas sun!” Virgil argued.

“Okay, I have a giant bottle,” Logan walked back in and handed the bottle to Janus. “I refuse to rub this onto his chest, so here you go. Create as much sexual tension as you want, but I will not be a part of it.”

Remus giggled. “C’mon, Lolo, let’s go get high while they do the hotdog tango!”

Janus gagged. “That’s disgusting, just say having sex.”

“Nah, it’s more fun this way.”

“Not for the rest of us.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **sunflower seeds**

**sure jan:** lobster.jpg

**sure jan:** look who decided to sleep out in the sun

**roro:** HAHAH HOLY F U C K

**roro:** I’M DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE SUNBURN I JUST CARE ABOUT THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT

**virgy virge:** dude, don’t judge the vacation attire

**lo:** remus bought us hawaiian shirts and we all look ridiculous but sexy

**roro:** i mean,,,, we can’t tell until you send pics

**virgy virge:** why are you so horny?????

**roro:** nah, i just want to see lo in a hawaiian shirt for blackmail

**lo:** ????? ouch????

**roro:** plus, you said you look sexy and i need to see that

**lo:** *retches*

**lo:** that’s like, the least attractive thing i’ve ever heard you say

**roro:** nah, you’ve heard me say worse

**lo:** yeah, you’re right

**lo:** when we facetimed when the  _ thing _ happened, you said that i had a stomach full of butterflies and baby and i was upset

**lo:** honestly, i’m still upset with you

**roro:** yeah, i thought it was funny at the time but ik it was actually a super traumatizing thing for you

**lo:** yeah, i’ve never felt such horror enter my body

**raccoon:** anyways, i wanna talk about how long it took me to find a hawaiian shirt to suit all of y’all because i don’t think you’re appreciating it enough

**raccoon:** i got my batman one from khols and the rest of y’alls from like, amazon

**lo:** yeah, it’s nice leisure wear

**lo:** i don’t like how you and virgil wear it open with no shirt underneath, though

**raccoon:** tiddies out, babey

**lo:** oh my god, i hate you

**raccoon:** me too, bucko

**patpat:** i’m gonna pull out find my iphone and find where you are i stg

**raccoon:** dude, i don’t have a hawaiian shirt for you, you can’t come here

**patpat:** it’s so funny that you think that i don’t have a hawaiian shirt

**raccoon:** yeah, but it’s also a boys weekend, no parents allowed

**roro:** wait, why am i not allowed??

**raccoon:** bc it’s cool kids only and you’re not a cool kid

**roro:** :(

**raccoon:** it’s also bc i share a wall with logan and y’all are noisy as heck

**lo:** i’m sunburnt and sweaty, that’s not optimal for anything like that

**raccoon:** just more skin ;)

**roro:** EW EW EW

**sure jan:** *retches* 

**virgy virge:** this is reverting me back to my phan days

**patpat:** i hate that i know what you’re talking about, virgil

**virgy virge:** i hate that i thought of it in the first place

**sure jan:** man, take a look at these weebs

**raccoon:** losers

**lo:** i think virgil’s a loser but not patton

**virgy virge:** just because you’re right doesn’t mean you have to say it

**patpat:** HFSDJFDL SOMEONE IN MY MUSIC THEORY CLASS SAID I SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE OTAMOTONE THINGS AND I HATE IT

**roro:** OH MY GOD

**raccoon:** lmao rip

  
  


* * *

  
  


All Logan wanted was a peaceful nap by the pool, but since his friends were the absolute worst, he couldn’t even get five minutes in without someone (Janus) poking his face or taking a drink from his hydroflask (Virgil) or pouring a bucket of water on him (Remus).

“Remus, I swear to god, if you pour that water on me, I’m stealing your doritos.”

“Actually, it’s not water.”

“What?” Logan opened his eyes.

“Yeah, it’s White Claw,” He dumped the can on Logan’s head.

He gasped at the cold drink and fixed a glare at Remus. “What. Did. You. Just. Do?”

Remus just snickered. “Don’t worry, I’ll clean you up!” He scooped Logan out of his chair and skipped over to the pool.

“No no no,” Logan shook his head frantically but Remus just giggled.

“Here you go, Lolo!” He launched him into the pool, but Logan kept a hold on Remus’s shirt and dragged him into the water with him.

Logan spit the water out of his mouth and Remus came back up, cackling.

“Can y’all shut up?” Virgil groaned. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“So was I, but apparently the rat doesn’t want me to relax.” Logan glared at Remus.

He rolled his eyes. “It’s not my fault that y’all are boring.”

“Wait,” Virgil looked around. “Where’s Janus?”

“Oh, he’s out buying groceries.” Remus waved him off.

“Thank god,” Virgil groaned. “I need zebra cakes if I’m gonna survive this week.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**sure jan** to  **eat azz daily**

**sure jan:** y’all want anything?

**lo:** advil and advil pm

**virgy virge:** zebra cakes and oatmeal cream pies

**raccoon:** choccy milk and cheezits

**sure jan:** logan????? what??? 

**lo:** it helps with sunburns and virgil’s gonna need it

**sure jan:** yeah, but what about snacks for you?

**lo:** uhhhhhh slim jims and popcorn

**lo:** i love slim jims

**virgy virge:** aren’t they like, super bad for you?

**lo:** yeah, i’m in the mood though

**sure jan:** we’re trash people

**raccoon:** yeah, but like, actually

**virgy virge:** true raccoon energy

**raccoon:** it’s what i’m best at

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trash children


	98. traitors, the lot of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REGISTER TO VOTE IF YOU'RE OVER EIGHTEEN. DON'T THINK THAT YOUR VOTE WON'T COUNT.

**roro** to  **sunflower seeds**

**roro:** dude, i hate kids

**raccoon:** i mean, me too, but why?

**lo:** you do realize we’re kids, right?

**roro:** yeah, but we don’t wear diapers and we know how to read

**roro:** well, some of us at least

**raccoon:** dude, i’m not illiterate

**virgy virge:** but you do wear diapers?

**raccoon:** depends ;)

**raccoon:** depends if i’m planning to get really drunk or crossed

**patpat:** not to sound like a loser, but what is getting crossed?

**raccoon:** getting drunk and high at the same time and i can’t function

**patpat:** then why do you do it????

**raccoon:** to feel something lol

**sure jan:** you can’t just say lol at the end of your sentences and pretend that you’re fine

**raccoon:** yeah i can lol

**lo:** oh my god

**sure jan:** y’all are really putting my psychology courses through the ringer, huh

**virgy virge:** don’t act like you don’t like it

**sure jan:** yeah, i like helping y’all bc you need all the help you can get

**lo:** retweet

**sure jan:** i’m glad you go to a psychiatrist bc i don’t think i could solve your problems

**lo:** i make my therapist work for it

**lo:** it’s what makes us such good friends

**virgy virge:** so i’m seeing this therapist and she lets me bring arthur bc he “helps with my anxiety”

**roro:** oh i forgot about your golden retriever

**virgy virge:** i love him so much

**lo:** yeah, we know

**sure jan:** you talk about him all time

**virgy virge:** then how did roman not know?

**roro:** dude, i don’t pay attention to what you say most of the time

**virgy virge:** ouch

**lo:** wait, v, you should’ve brought arthur with us

**raccoon:** god, that would’ve been so fun

**virgy virge:** he’s getting old and we can’t really take him in the car anymore unless it’s for vet stuff

**virgy virge:** like, when we go traveling again, we’re probably gonna leave him with logan

**virgy virge:** and he is  _ not to be let anywhere near remus _

**raccoon:** ???? what’d i do???

**virgy virge:** you and patton lost him and he found logan all by himself, so honestly, i think he likes logan better

**lo:** and he’s my favorite dog too

**patpat:** aw :(

**virgy virge:** that’s not gonna work

**patpat:** :(

**virgy virge:** dude, you lost my dog

**patpat:** fair enough

**patpat:** that one’s on me

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Janus, you know this is a vacation, right?”

“Virgil, you realize that we’re missing school for this, right?” He didn’t glance up from his textbook.

His boyfriend scoffed. “Jay, even Logan’s taking a break.”

“Yeah, but I need to pass my psychology course if I’m gonna raise my GPA and get into college.”

Logan sighed and sat down next to him. “I know I’m going to sound hypocritical, but GPA really doesn’t mean everything. It’s one detail in a sleuth of information that you have to submit.”

“But it’s more than that-” Janus tried but Logan cut him off.

“The only reason that I’m so worried about my GPA is that I’m a little crazy about school-”

Remus snorted. “A little crazy?”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Dude, shut up. Besides, it’s not like I’m completely insane about it.”

“L, I love you, but oh my god, you’re obsessed with school.” Virgil snickered at Logan’s scoff.

“I don’t need this from you.” He glared. “But, again, GPA isn’t everything. Your extracurricular list is full, you have lots of volunteer hours, and I can help you with your essay to make sure it’s good.”

“Thanks, but I really do have to work on this,” Janus turned back to his textbook but Remus snatched it off of the table. “Remus, give that back.” He growled, but Remus held the book above his head. Janus stamped on his foot, but Remus just cackled.

“Harder, daddy,” He purred. 

He gagged. “Okay, fine, I’ll take a break, just don’t ever say that to me ever again.” 

Remus giggled. “Go get your swimsuit on, bitch boy.”

Janus groaned. “I hate this friend group.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**virgy virge** to  **sunflower seeds**

**virgy virge:** okay, i’m never going on a road trip with janus  _ ever again _

**sure jan:** it’s what you deserve lol

**raccoon:** honestly, i’m having fun back here with him

**raccoon:** i’m kinda glad that logan’s driving so i can bug virgil

**virgy virge:** somebody kill me now,  _ please _

**roro:** you’re on your own for that one lol

**virgy virge:** ugh

  
**virgy virge:** traitors, the lot of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, i have the ending written and holy shit man,,,,, i made myself a little emotional oops
> 
> also sorry that this was a little shorter, this was a little hard to write. if you couldn't tell, i've gotten super used to writing on screen stuff and it's hard for me to write real life stuff


	99. prostitution?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second to last chapter, boys ✌️😔
> 
> fear not, i'm planning to still write in this au. i'll probably do individual shenanigans and make a collection, but i think this one is pretty much almost done

**lo** to  **sunflower seeds**

**lo:** where are you guys applying for college?

**roro:** sam houston and baylor

**raccoon:** idk man, some art school

**patpat:** ut!

**sure jan:**

**virgy virge:** dude, i really don’t know, man

**virgy virge:** i don’t even have a clear goal in mind for careers and shit

**lo:** what are you interested in doing?

**virgy virge:** idk dude

**virgy virge:** i mean i guess i could go into music or some shit

**virgy virge:** logan, what do you think i should do?

**lo:** ???? why would i know???

**virgy virge:** idk, you have good judgment i think

**lo:** you think?????

**virgy virge:** whatever

**lo:** i really can’t make that decision for you

**virgy virge:** ugh

**lo:** i can say that you just have to find something that you love and go off of that

**virgy virge:** you’re no help

**sure jan:** be nice

**lo:** yeah, i’m trying to help you, dumbass

**virgy virge:** ouch

**sure jan:** okay, just hear me out-

**sure jan:** english teacher

**virgy virge:** huh

**virgy virge:** actually, that sounds kinda rad

**virgy virge:** wait, can i be the cool english teacher?

**virgy virge:** it’s very imperative towards my future

**roro:** heck yeah, you’d be cool

**virgy virge:** then yeah, i’ll do it

**lo:** did you just

**lo:** did you just make a decision through that???

**virgy virge:** what else do you expect from me lol

**virgy virge:** wait, where are you going, lo?

**lo:** i’m not sure

**lo:** i’ve been told that i should go to stanford for a good portion of my life, but i don’t know

**lo:** i don’t want to move all the way to california

**lo:** i’m thinking about baylor or stanford

**sure jan:** aren’t they like, super expensive schools?

**lo:** i’ve been looking at different scholarships and so far, i have the qualifications for almost all of them

**lo:** i’ve been in national honors society, hosa, and a lot of other academic organizations that sound impressive that are gonna be great for this

**lo:** i’ve been preparing for this for years

**virgy virge:** dang

**roro:** wait, why baylor?

**lo:** it has a good medical program and i don’t know, it just sounds interesting

**raccoon:** are you sure that it isn’t because roman’s planning on going there?

**lo:** ???? no????

**patpat:** wow, he said what we were all thinking

**virgy virge:** oof

**lo:** i’m sorry that i want to go to a good college for my major

**virgy virge:** sorry, off topic, but i just answered a question right in my science class and the amount of euphoria that brought me was astronomical

**virgy virge:** i  _ thrive _ off of validation

**patpat:** god, don’t we all

  
  


* * *

  
  


**raccoon** to  **eat azz daily**

**raccoon:** man, we’re graduating in a few months

**sure jan:** god, i hate that so much

**virgy virge:** ugh

**lo:** not that excited

**virgy virge:** ????

**lo:** just because i’m prepared doesn’t mean i want to leave everything behind

**sure jan:** yeah, this sucks

**lo:** i’ve spent so much time invested in high school and now we’re just moving on and it’s so weird

**raccoon:** dude, i’ve spent no time on high school and yet i’m still sad

**virgy virge:** like, i guess we’ll just all lose contact or something i guess

**raccoon:** no, i refuse to let that happen

**raccoon:** even if we have to do the stereotypical “meeting every so and so year at blah blah bal”

**lo:** if we’re going to do that, we should do behind that old seven-eleven where we first met remus

**virgy virge:** oh, definitely

**sure jan:** we can do that, but can we keep the group chats? i gotta say stupid stuff sometimes

**raccoon:** oh, absolutely

**raccoon:** like i said, i don’t wanna lose you guys

**sure jan:** me neither, i’ll already miss you guys enough

**virgy virge:** god, y’all are making me emotional

**lo:** honestly

**raccoon:** sorry, i don’t have any stupid stories to break the sadness

**lo:** it’s fine, we all knew this was going to happen eventually

**sure jan:** yeah, but it doesn’t make it any better

**lo:** i know, i’m just trying to justify my own sadness

**raccoon:** dude, it’s okay to be sad

**virgy virge:** lord knows i’m sad all the time

**lo:** i’m just upset that i have to leave everyone behind

**lo:** either i go to california and get the best education money can buy or stay here and still be able to visit with y’all

**lo:** also, baylor’s offering a lot because they’re dying for representation of any kind

**raccoon:** what do you mean???

**lo:** they’re a private christian college and i’m a trans bisexual valedictorian, i’m every college’s dream

**raccoon:** dude, colleges are so greedy and it’s so funny

**virgy virge:** honestly, the key to a good college essay is to exploit all things that are different about you

**sure jan:** HONESTLY

**raccoon:** it’s called exploitation babey

**virgy virge:** i think that technically makes us prostitutes????

**raccoon:** you call it prostitution, i call it taking advantage of the system

**lo:** i hate this place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this next chapter is gonna be a bitch to write, so be patient, guys


	100. the end of nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear, i tried to make this shorter, but they just wouldn’t shut up, they just kept talking

**Private Message**

**lo** to  **virgy virge**

**lo:** i’m lowkey freaking out rn

**virgy virge:** ???? you good????

**lo:** _no_

**virgy virge:** sorry, that one’s on me

**virgy virge:** fr though, what’s up?

**lo:** both colleges accepted me

**virgy virge:** well duh

**lo:** but i just don’t know what to choose

**virgy virge:** k, i know you’re gonna be mad at me for saying this, but you applied to baylor because roman’s going there, right

**lo:** i just don’t want to be alone

**lo:** lord knows i won’t be able to find a boyfriend even half as good as roman

**lo:** plus, california’s thousands of miles away

**lo:** i’ll have no friends there and it bugs me

**virgy virge:** aren’t you the one who’s always saying to branch out and try new things, no matter how scary it is???

**lo:** but i don’t want to take my advice

**lo:** i’m also scared that roman’s going to be mad at me

**virgy virge:** ?????

**lo:** what if he thinks i’m following him and that he doesn’t want me at the same school as him??

**lo:** what if he hates me for this?

**lo:** what if he actually wanted to break up before we left and that i’m forcing him

**virgy virge:** dude, you’re acting like me

**lo:** i know, i know, but i just don’t want him to be mad at me

**virgy virge:** just talk to him, dummy

**lo:** ugh

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Logan slid two letters across to him, both of them already opened. “Ro, I don’t know what to do.” He whispered brokenly.

Roman slipped the letters out of the envelopes and his eyes widened. One, an acceptance letter from Baylor, another from Stanford. “Did you… did you apply to Baylor because of me?”

“You know, they have a great medical program,” He tried, but Roman shook his head.

“You shouldn’t hold yourself back just for me.”

“But that’s not it,” Logan protested. “Baylor is a good school and it’s close to home so I wouldn’t have to drive that far to home. Plus,” He hesitated before sighing. “Stanford is so far away, Ro. It’s in California, and I don’t want to be that far away.” He laughed bitterly. “I sound like I’m twelve, talking about me being homesick.”

Roman’s expression softened. “Logan, that’s not a bad thing. You’d be moving thousands of miles away from everyone. It’s okay to be scared.”

“I know, I’m just frustrated.” Logan huffed. “I have two really good colleges that I’ve been accepted to but I can’t choose between them. If I choose Baylor, I’d be with you and the others, but if I choose Stanford, I get one of the best medical educations you can get, but I would be almost 2,000 miles away from here.”

He sighed. “Honestly, I don’t think I can help you. It’s you and your decision alone.”

“But-”

“ _ Please _ don’t make me choose for you,” Roman’s voice broke. “I can’t send you thousands of miles away or force you to stay here. Please don’t ask me to send you away.”

Logan opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it. “I… Okay.”

“Just remember, starlight,” Roman pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You can’t make a wrong decision here.”

“Then why does every decision feel wrong?” He whispered to himself as Roman walked away.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Dad?”

His dad shot up in bed, frantically turning on the light and sighing when he saw Logan standing there. “Logan, you scared the shit out of me,” He sighed and sat up. “Come here.” He patted the space on the bed next to him. “What’s up, kid?”

Logan gnawed at his lip before speaking. “Do you ever have to make a decision where you know that one of the options is what you need to do, but the other is something you want so bad?”

“Well, you have to think about what’ll give you the most benefits, but also,” HIs dad looked at him pointedly. “You have to think about what’ll make  _ you _ happy, not just me or your mom. This is about you and you alone.”

“But I just don’t know what to do, Dad,” Logan leaned on his dad’s shoulder, starting to tear up. “It’s so hard.”

“Kid, you’re ridiculously smart, you’ll figure it out,” He shot Logan a smile.

Logan gave him a watery smile. “Thanks, Dad.” He got up to go, but his dad stopped him.

“Next time, can we maybe save the conversation till after one in the morning?”

“Sure thing, Dad.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**lo** to  **virgy virge**

**lo:** i know where i’m going

**virgy virge:** worm????

  
  


* * *

  
  


Logan dropped the packet on the table and Roman’s eyebrows shot up.

_ Welcome to Baylor University! _

“You chose Baylor?” Roman stared at him incredulously.

Logan shrugged. “I think I’ll be happy there.”

“Okay, I know this probably isn’t why you did it, but I just have to know,” Roman hesitated. “Did you do it because of me?”

He sighed. “Roman, this is ultimately a high-school relationship which statistically will end before college. I chose it because it’s a good school, I don’t want to leave my dad all alone and,” He paused before sighing. “If I went all the way to California, I would be all alone and I don’t want that. It would be nice to at least have someone there I could talk to.”

Roman paused before grinning. “You got your gender legally changed on everything, right?”

“Yes?”

“Why not just share a dorm room?” He offered.

Logan blinked. “Oh.”

“I mean, we don’t have to, I just thought-” Roman quickly backtracked but Logan stopped him.

“No, that actually sounds kind of cool.” He gave him a soft smile. “I’d like that.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


“I can’t believe that we’re graduating in a couple of months.” Virgil fell against his bed.

“You’re on my foot, Virge,” Janus winced. “Besides, we’ve known this for a while.”

“Yeah, but we’ve still gotta apply to colleges and stuff.” He groaned and turned towards Janus. “You want to look through my mail?”

“I’ll go through yours and you look at mine,” Janus held out his phone, grinning.

Virgil snatched his phone away. “Texas Tech?”

He wrinkled his nose. “Too republican. For you, Stephen F. Austin?”

“Maybe. A&M?”   
  


“Maybe-”

“Oh, so Tech was too republican for you, but A&M isn’t?”

Janus rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Southwestern Assemblies of God University?”

Virgil snorted. “Definitely not, too religious. University of Houston?”

“Yeah, I’ll apply, doubt I’ll get in, though. Houston Baptist University?”

“Actually, you have one from there, too.”

They both glanced up at each other and Virgil shook his head. “As much as I hate to say it, I think we would murder each other if we had to go to the same college and potentially live together.”

“Aren’t Logan and Roman doing that?” Janus asked.

“Yeah, but they’re nerds, so whatever.” Virgil snickered

“We’d probably get so sick of each other so fast. Anyways, Sam Houston?”

“Put that down for apply.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


“We’re going to be so far away from each other,” Patton sniffled against Remus’s chest. “It’s a whole  _ three hours  _ away from you.”

“I know, I’m gonna miss you too,” Remus pulled him into a hug, tears running down his face. 

Roman scoffed. “Guys, you’re just accepting offers, you’re not leaving today.”

“Yeah, y’all are being so dramatic, and that’s coming from me.” Janus pointed out.

“Wait, hold up, where are you guys going?” Patton looked at Virgil and Janus.

“University of Houston.” Janus answered easily.

“Oh thank god,” Virgil sighed. “Houston Baptist.”

“Did you,” Logan stared incredulously at them. “Did you seriously pick colleges that are like, twenty minutes away from each other?”

“Dang it,” Virgil groaned. “Jay, we’re so bad at this.”

He snickered. “You gotta admit, it’s kind of funny.”

“We specifically didn’t pick the same college because we thought we’d get sick of each other but look what happened,” Virgil explained to the confused looks that their friends had.

Remus shook his head, laughing. “Y’all are so bad at life.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


“So this is it,” Logan spoke, breaking the silence. “We’re all leaving?”

“I guess so,” Patton whispered. 

“No,” Remus sat up. “We’re not going to lose contact, this,” His voice broke. “This can’t be the end. I don’t want to leave you guys.”

“I’m gonna miss you guys so much,” Virgil admitted, tears streaming down his face. “I know we’re going to still talk, but we’re not gonna see each other every day and it’s gonna be weird.”

“Virge, it’s okay,” Janus pressed a kiss on his forehead. “It’s only for a while, we’re gonna see each other again, I promise, darling.”

“Remus, we’re going to keep in touch, right?” Roman asked quietly. “I know that sometimes, siblings lose contact after high school, but-”

Remus yanked him into a hug, cutting him off.. “If you think that we’re going to stop talking to each other after all we’ve been through together, you’re so dumb, Ro.” He pulled away and pointed to everyone. “And you guys, we’re keeping the group chats running, we’re going to keep talking, even if we don’t have anything to talk about.”

“I’ll keep you up to date on all of my boring school work.” Logan gave a shaky smile. “And, of course, Roman’s stupid moments.”

Roman scoffed. “I’m not that dumb.” Logan just gave him a look and he sighed. “Okay, fine.”

“Jay, if we don’t get Arby’s together at least once a week, I’m gonna break up with you,” They both broke into giggles at that one.

Patton’s lip quivered and he broke into sobs, launching himself at Remus. “Ree, I don’t wanna leave you.”

Remus hugged him back. “Patty, it’s okay, we’ll facetime, we’ll call each other, I don’t care, we’re not leaving each other.” Patton just cried harder.

“I’m gonna miss my bear hugs,” Patton sniffled. “I’m gonna miss our movie marathons and watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians on Sundays.”

“Okay, how about this,” Remus pulled back and smiled at him. “Once a month, I’ll come up to you, we can hang out and switch custody of our son. Is that fine?”

“I’d love that,” Patton smiled up at him. “But I’m keeping Ferb for a while.”

“I think that’s a callback to something we weren’t here for,” Virgil whispered over to Janus who snickered.

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” Logan smiled at them, despite the tears running down his face. “We’re all coming home for the holidays, right?”

“Duh,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “We gotta hang out somehow.”

“I love you guys so much,” Patton grinned. “We’ve got this.”

Before anyone else could say something, there was a knock on the door. “Mijo, we have to get going!”

Patton jumped off his bed. “I guess that’s my cue,” He smiled sadly and Virgil pulled him into a hug. 

“Bye, dad,” He choked out. “Can’t belive you’re the first one to go.”

“Bye, Virgil,” He tried to pull back, but Virgil kept a vice grip on his shirt. “You have to let go, Virge.”

“No,” He stated firmly. 

“Alright, c’mon darling, let go,” When Virgil shook his head, Janus sighed and pulled him off of Patton.

“Thanks, Jay,” Patton grinned. “You keep me up to date on how our mom’s are doing.”

Janus smiled sadly at him. “Will do, Pat.”

He took a deep breath. “Bye guys.”

“Facetime me when you get your dorm all set up?” Remus asked.

“Of course.” Patton gave him a soft smile. “I’m putting so many pictures of us up on my wall.” He turned to the rest of them. “Bye guys.”

Remus gave him a grin and a wave. “Bye, Patty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s it! the end of an era
> 
> i’d like to personally thank grammarly for trying to make my life miserable while writing this and my hydroflask for keeping me hydrated during the late nights trying to come up with ideas.
> 
> thank you guys so much for coming along on this journey with me! i’ve had so much fun writing this and you guys have been so nice to me. i got really emotional while writing this last chapter, so i hope you enjoyed it. i’ve really appreciated all of your comments and kudos you’ve given me and all the anons in my tumblr inbox. i’m gonna miss writing this, but ultimately, i think this specific storyline has run its course.
> 
> however, that doesn’t mean that this is done. i know i’ve had comments asking about certain plot points and as you can see, i’ve made a series folder and added this fic to it. i’m going to do some one-shots about things like how roman and logan met, how roman almost made virgil and janus break up, homecoming, job hunting, how remy got his groove back, and how logan fell off of the drum major podium. also, if y’all would be interested, i’d really like to write some college shenanigans, so let me know if y’all would be interested in seeing some of that!
> 
> i have a lot of ideas for upcoming projects that i’m almost done with (aka my cm au that i started months ago and still haven’t finished lol) and i’m excited to share them.
> 
> again, i’d just like to say that i really do love you guys and i’m gonna miss getting all the emails of comments that you’ve made. you guys’ support has really kept this machine running and you’re great.
> 
> bye guys, i really appreciate all of your support :)

**Author's Note:**

> dude i'm so bored during this whole quarantine thing so i made something up that's honestly dumb but here we are
> 
> follow me on tumblr @moonjuicewiththepresident to see me post dumb shit

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [we can always find the trouble (we don't need no help)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27841867) by [creamiiteaa_xx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/creamiiteaa_xx/pseuds/creamiiteaa_xx)




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